gabagool

Well, its been 5 days since I came clean with my wife about drinking everyday for years and my attempt at not drinking. Two weeks down with that aspect. She still is steaming and not talking to me and if she has to it is curt and cold. She is simply pissed that I lied about my drinking all that time. And I understand. But truthfully, Im hurt she isn't supporting me. Another poster, Mark was right in this aspect. I can't be around her. I can't afford her negativity and hostility right now. It doesn't drive me to drink, but its no help. I get depressed and hurt, so............I work till she goes to bed. She gets up before me, I used to get up and make her lunch, warm up the car....but now, I simply remaind "sleeping".

I need all the help I can get right now, not a guilt trip, deserved or not....not right now. I need to concentrate and work at THIS right now.

Thanks for listening.

Dee74

I think you might have to take your lumps with this one gabbagool...maybe that negativity and hostility is justified in her mind?

Trust can take a while to rebuild and anger can take a while to dissipate...one of my old friends here always used to say 'we don't get to tell other people how to feel'...I think that's an important thing to remember.

Try and stay focused on your recovery.....I hope your wife will work through her anger, but remember there's always support here...and lot of other avenues for face to face support too

D

reggiewayne

My favorite saying applies here "More will be revealed". Your wife just found out some bothersome news to her. I assume she's not an alcoholic. She might view you lying differently than say, I would. I get it. I am an alcoholic. I would guess you didn't tell her in an effort to not upset her. I did the same thing with my wife. When I came clean with her, she responded much like your wife.

My only advice would be to not take a polorizing stance. Let her blow off her steam. I would do everything you can to help yourself, but if you were to just write her off right now, that will just build more resentment and create a higher likelyhood of relapse. Remember, people's opinion of you is none of your business. All you can do is try and do the next right thing in life. It appears you're doing that.

We won't regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. This promise just takes time...

Best of luck. You're doing a great job!

Mark75

Why not get up and make her lunch and get her car warmed up?

My own experience with my non alcoholic wife whom I hid and lied to about a lot of stuff... well, it was all about the action that I took. All the words I could come up with felt empty and meaningless... For example.... The first week or two after I came home from treatment and before I went back to work, I'd make her supper and take it to her at work... partly for me and to give me something to do... but mostly a symbolic gesture, I guess... made me feel a little better... I can not say I've done everything I can or should do... but it always feels right if I try to do something.

Look, it's awkward as sh1t at first... but trust me, it gets better... different in some ways... but right now, concentrate on getting recovered, and do whatever you can to show her... make her lunch and warm up her car...

Her reaction was not what you expected... and I'm sure you have some hurt feelings and stuff... try to make sense of how you feel about that and move on... because that's all you can do... give her the space to work through this herself, she will...

reggiewayne

What Mark said!

suki44883

We tell people all the time on the Friends and Family forum that words an alcoholic says don't mean anything, but to watch their actions. So, show her by your actions. If she feels you've been lying to her for all this time, what makes you think she's going to believe your words now? Actions.

gabagool

Nah, I know me. If I do that, and get no thanks or a forced thanks, I'll be ticked off. That is all there is to it. ANd I DON'T want to be ticked off, for her sake as well as mine. And frankly, I do that because I feel CLOSE to my wife and WANT to help her....right now, she doesn't feel close to me, and I don't feel close to her.

I actually didn't want to tell her, because I was AFRAID she would do this. Like I said, anyone who abuses anything is lacking is self control and guts....according to her. ANd I LIKE that fact she is so self disciplined, makes for a great wife in a lot of ways....THIS ain't one of em.

Again, I UNDERSTAND her point, I simply don't LIKE it and I don't want to be a part of it. Its funny, cause when I told her, because my counselor told me I should be honest with her, her reaction was MUCH more comforting. She TOLD ME she was shocked. That she had to digest it and that she was angry that I lied to her....but SHE SAID IT IN A WAY THAT COMMUNICATED SOME SORT OF EMPATHY, there was not anger in her voice, no condescending tone...she got her point across AND made me feel comfortable.....but that disappreared the next day.

Mark was right. If she isn't helping me, I need to take care of my self. I think she doesn't mind me being around right now (if ever again) anyways.

thanks guys (and gals.)

gabagool

Thanks suki, I understand. But I would understand MORE if I had told her "Im never gonna drink again". But I didn't say that. I told her...."I think I may have a problem, its CAUSING problems, and Im tired of making excuses for them. I'm gonna TRY to quit, I can't promise it, but Ill try like hell. Im sorry for everything"......or almost like that. I thought that telling her I would never drink again would sound fake..........

She's a tough cookie. Shes NEVER admitted to ANY blame for ANYTHING.......she has a tough time with "sorry" ...so I don't know is saying sorry is a sign of weakness to her or not....Just hard to figure her out.

But, yeah, what you said is true....about the "actions".....and that will take time.
Thank you.

coffeenut

I don't think you really do understand her point. I don't think you can. I don't mean that in a judgemental way.

Early sobriety is so rough. Take care of YOU, first. You can't take care of a relationship without taking care of yourself.

Keep writing it out....it helps!

Mark75

Well, I get that and it's good to be honest with yourself.

Perhaps looking at that, considering what it means, to be ticked off if you don't get the reaction you want... is a good place to start. Part of my journey in recovery has been to reconcile what I expect to be the reaction of actions I take and the reaction I actually get... because God knows they don't always jive... especially my early attempts at reconnecting with my wife... So much was counterintuitive...

I found out pretty early, and rather forcibly, that if I was too self centered and self seeking, and there were, and still are, many examples... that if I was thinking of myself.... it was noticed and definitely NOT appreciated.

joedris

Lessee. You lied to your wife for years and now she's a tad upset. Can't say as I blame her. And now you're upset 'cause she's upset? Did I miss something here? Did she lie to you?

First off, I'd suggest that you forget talking about what you might "try" and do. Do it. Start going to AA or something. Talk is cheap. And in going to AA you'd be taking some positive steps for yourself instead of the pity party you're throwing. At this point you really need to look after yourself first, because if you don't you'll never be able to look after anyone else. You need to show her rather than tell her.

And don't expect your wife to understand what you're going through. That's something she's gonna have to learn to deal with. She has her own set of problems if she can't accept any responsibility for her own actions. Nothin' you can do there. I'd go with what Mark suggested. Get you side of the street back to normal. Make lunch, warm up the car, all that stuff. Don't expect gratitude, do it because it's the right thing to do.

Supercrew

I don't want to hard line you on this Gaba, but I think you sort of knew what was going to happen when you first posted asking if you should tell her the truth.

Me and my wife are in a good place right now, and she is happy that I have admitted to my drinking problem and that I no longer drink. But even with that info out in the open and her willingness to support me with my problem, I think if she ever really knew the extent of my drinking when I was going hard, or the amount of times I got behind the wheel, some of those with our son on board, I would assume if those truths ever became known, even with all the good I have been doing, we wouldn't be talking for a long time, or if we were it might be in a court room.

But I don't blame her, she doesn't understand what really haapens when you are an alcoholic, nor do I understand why I would have acted so recklessly. I understand getting the cold shoulder for a week or two might be hard to take, but think what the alternative could be, and be happy you are on the right path.

gravity

"Years" of drinking & lying vs. Two weeks of sobriety & five days of honesty? Yeah...I'd be p***ed. She is probably still in shock. "Who IS this guy?"

It's going to take a while for her to process this.

I agree with concentrating on your sobriety (ACTION, not just swearing off for the hundredth time) and doing good things for her (it will make both of you feel better).

One day at a time.

Best of luck.

stephnc

You are doing exactly the right thing to vent here...your feelings are certainly understandable and anybody in your shoes would want support and sort of upfront behavior from their loved ones. But your wife is human, just like you. Realize this and try not to overthink what you would like in a ~perfect~ world from her (or anybody else) because our world, our spouses, ourselves...none of us are perfect. This rough patch with your wife will subside...give it time. Keep posting but hopefully over time you'll be able to take your wife's behavior with more of a grain of salt. Take care, Stephanie

Kmber2010

I focused soley on me at first when I started. I had to since nothing else in my life - marriage, work, school, etc. would come together if I didn't get myself right.

Give it time since not only do we go through so much change but so do our loved ones.

Keep it going

Aurora80

Thanks for posting. I can really relate. My significant other has not been at all supportive of my attempt at sobriety, but instead very cynical. When I slip up, I get bashed and that's that... no support here. The behaviour may or may not be justified, but who needs to be kicked when they're down? Just have to try our best not to let it get to us and focus on our recovery rather than their negativity... which it sounds like you're doing anyway. It IS hard sometimes though. I'm sure with continuous sobriety both our partners will come around though.

gabagool

Thanks for all who posted suggestions, the time you took to think and write is time you gave to me and I appreciate it.

And please, I consider ALL posts, whether or not I agree with them. It just seems that when people write "oh, you lied about drinking for years" that THAT ASPECT IS WHAT DEFINES ALL OF ME. ANd its not. ANd I don't want it to. WHile I drank, I worked, FOR YEARS 100 hours a week so she could stay home and raise the kids, and it WAS NEVER ENOUGH. She left me TWICE only to ask if we can start over again....and was accepted open arms, no anger BOTH times. Now, FINALLY after 25 years of struggling, she is free to spend WHAT she wants, to do , WHAT she wants....THIS defines me also.

Part of her anger is that SHE HAD LITTLE IDEA that I was drinking as much as I was. (ONe poster mentioned that his wife STILL doesn't know, I say keep it that way), so, even under the influence, I wasn't a stumbling, puking, passing out drunk. If all I did in my life was drink, no job, no accomplishments, than, ok, she can judge me by my drinking only.......but there IS much more. And THATS why I feel the way I do...AGAIN, understanding that she is pissed b ecause of the lying.

So, again, thanks for the advice...the only think that really bugs me is this "self pity" stuff. My stance of RIGHT AND WRONG behavior is NOT th same as self pity. I was practicing self pity, when I ran and popped open a bottle of Grey Goose.....THAT was me saying "poor old me" When I stopped, and I know it may start again, I wasa saying to my self " Time to stop with the poor me and start trying to be better.

So, thats it. Whether or not I think my wife is doing the right or wrong thing is simply THAT. No pity for myself, more criticism to her. And she can criticize me, lord knows theres plenty criticize.

Its funny, she told me over and over that HONESTY is also the best. That being honest is the way to go. ANd I used to tell her, "Yeah sure, and the one time Im honest, youll put me in the doghouse" ANd she would say "NO, if your honest with me, I will respect it"

Yeah, sure. Like all you said, ACTIONS.

gabagool

Thanks, Aurora. YOu understand. Our significant others are acting on past and present angers INSTEAD of helping. Anger understood, but still ain't right. I guess you can isolate yourself from all that, like me....its tough, but I really can't deal with hositility RIGHT NOW.

Mark75

Neither was I.

Please realize.... WE FREAKIN' GET IT BROTHER!! ... and, we are most definitely on the same side...



Have you considered a program of recovery at this point?

Mark

joedris

"Yeah, sure. Like all you said, ACTIONS."

Is this being said with sarcasm or frustration? Either way, I'm not sure you get what everyone's trying to tell you here. YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM! What are you going to do about it? Remain sleeping? Continue to rant here. Boy, that'll solve everything. You asked for help and we're trying our best, but you just don't seem to want to hear what we're saying.

One more time for possible comprehension. Stop with the "poor me" stuff about how your wife actions make you feel bad. There's no right or wrong here. Get over it. There's nothing you can do to change the way she feels. She apparently has her own set of issues, Mark has said it several times, as have I and just about everyone else, DO SOMETHING!

You have not said a word about what you're going to do to solve your, and I mean your, problem. Stop living in that problem and start living in the solution. Go to AA or get involved with some other recovery program. Like we said, ACTIONS!