jayscott

For those who have been following my recent posts, my AW is currently at rehab trying to become a RAW after having been served divorce papers from refusing to get treatment. In the first week, she was very enthusiastic and talked about extending her stay. In the second week, she felt like the standard 30 day program would be fine. Last night, she asked if insurance was still going to pay if she came home early because there was "a lot of drama going on".

I say: QUACK. Here's a new thread for everyone to share your own quack-of-the-day.

nodaybut2day

wow jayscott...I'm sorry to hear things have shifted so quickly for you. Do you have a contigency plan if she decides to ditch rehab early?

jayscott

Well, conveniently my mom flew out this weekend for an open-ended visit. So there's the short-term contingency plan. I don't know what was really going on last night, we had just had a family visit earlier that afternoon and she seemed to be doing OK (all things considered). I need to reiterate that I can't tolerate the drinking behavior that existed a few weeks ago. I think part of it is that there's a "changing of the guard" as far as who the housemates are at the facility, and she doesn't like the new people as well as she liked the old ones.

brokenheartfool

It must be tough trying to get well when surrounded by others who are sick. At the same time, it's probably the perfect sentencing. It would test tolerance and patience, which on the outside the majority of the time would lead to reaching for the bottle again.

It also seems to me that in the case of ultimatums, the usual rules of not controlling don't apply. If the original agreement was 30 days at a facility, then it must stick.

jrlcpl

My STBXAW has been inpatient for 45 days. She is leaving on Wed. Everyone has recommended she goes straight to a sober living house from inpatient. They have given her at least 3 options of very nice places (gated apartment, etc). She plans on finding someone to stay with (not welcome in my home) so she can "investigate" the options herself to make sure she will "fit in". QUACKITY QUACK QUACK!

jayscott

AW stepped back from the ledge a bit. It's like she's experiencing emotions for the first time and is relearning how to respond to them. Makes me understand more and more why so many people have said to her that 30 days is often times just not enough time.

zrx1200R

Mine lasted a day in rehab. Stick to your guns, but know full well the odds of her coming back into your life soon and forever sober are very low. No doubt rehab is not fun. Neither is living with a drinker. As we all know.

Be strong, and do what you know you have to do. Use caution and keep on the lookout for the manipulations. They are surely right around the corner. Be skeptical, as we know they lie. They lie big and often. And they are crafty. Mine learned new sneaky skills at AA. I bet after a month in rehab she will have learned some sneaky skills as well. They learn from listening to the others share what they've done.

blwninthewind

oh oh me me!
Daily Quack.
Told me he was going to his normal Mon night mtg. This is at 5:15pm when he told me. I did offer to stay home (planned to go to Alnon tonight) w/ our sick kid. .... but I didn't exactly mean ...gee go do your 2 hr mtg that ALWAYS turns into getting home after midnight...ON VALENTINES DAY!
We are having a fight via text.
"this is important to me. I'm sorry you don't feel the same way"
my translation
I"m a master manipulator. I heard you say you wanted me to stay home but I'm doing what I want because I'm a selfish SOB who is in recovery but refuses to change any of my behaviors. Oh and I want to make you feel guilty for asking me to.

Man do I have his number....
have I mentioned I'm not liking him much these days.

keepinon

My daughter once said that all the drama at her rehab "wasn't condusive to her sobriety" or some such bs..ummm its rehab..pretty sure it IS condusive to your recovery..it's not like a week or 4 sober transforms them into an "amazing person guaranteed" It's only the beginning and sometimes they are just sober a holes..biggest lesson I have learned..sobriety doesn't fix everything (I really thought it was gonna!)

Thumper

Wishing you and AW only the best. Stay strong in your recovery, for sure keep your boundaries, and keep your focus on you and the kiddo's and it will all work out for the best one way or another.

I've decided rehab/recovery is kind of like the stocks in my retirement. They told me not to look to often or it would freak me out. Well I think we can't hang on the whims of a person in early recovery because they swing wildly back and forth. Sometimes the quacking is deafening. Reacting to the daily/weekly shifts is a draining proposition without much predictive power. We need the long term to see the results.

keepinon - ' rehab is not conducive to her recovery' That is a funny one right there.

jayscott

Funny you should say it...she said she thought she could focus more on her recovery at home. Than at a full time residential rehab center. Mmm, yeah. I know part of this is she's been sober for a few weeks now and is facing emotions that she doesn't know how to handle. But it feels like the main thing she's learned is that she has a disease, which makes her a victim, and makes anything I said or did in response to her active drinking somehow abusive or unjust. Reconciliation feels far, far away if that's our starting point.

tjp613

The thing is that added stress in rehab (whatever the cause) is actually a GOOD thing and she definitely needs to stay there. The stress shows counselors and themselves how they react to it and help them to tolerate it, correct their thinking, manage their emotions without alcohol, etc. Stress = Good. This is not a spa. This is rehab. She absolutely will not manage her 'recovery' better at home. She has MUCH to learn.

PHIZ007

My quack of the day is....

AH laying in bed this morning, no helping atall with getting three children out of the door in time for school drop...and says to me "I am staying in bed today because of your(mine!) behaviour yesterday"......just to let you all know because he completed opted out of family life again yesterday I dared say that I found it unacceptable....this results in him today laying in bed, non communicative and generally depressed and awful to be in same house as!

Quack Quack Quack!.......I actually had a good morning, I dropped the two at school and Miss 4 and I had coffee with My dad and did a bit of shopping....lovely to be out in the fresh air even if it is raining!

Thanks for the thread jayscott!

Ladybug0130

Well, my husband went to rehab in November after showing up drunk at a client (he owns his own business). His clients have been amazing, everyone has been incredible to him and now that he has had a couple of months to rest, clients are calling again, he stands to make a ton of money in a tough recession and now all he can do is whine about how much work he has and how hard it is. He literally whines and moans ALL DAY. I wish the weather weren't so bad because I am stuck in the house with him. He is not taking care of himself at all and I think he is about to go down in flames again. And this time, the clients are not going to understand. It is very hard to watch. He quacks all day about how he would like to go to AA meetings but has too much work, and then spends half the day when he could be working napping and smoking.

Before the last time he screwed up, I kept trying for weeks to help him get healthy, to remind him to eat, to sleep, etc and obviously it did no good. It kills me that he is doing this now, our kids have a nice life and he is successful and I don't think he will stop his destructive behavior until he destroys his business and our marriage. And then it will be years of "Poor me! I had it all and it's gone!" At least I won't be around to listen to it next time.

Buffalo66

Ladybug, mine moans and whines and plays immobile victim, too...

As for the quacks;
when drinking my A used to give what I came to call a luge track of reasoning for his choices. I can't even count the number of times he had a "friend" who needed relationship advice, or who needed help moving, or who needed him to help them somehow. The emphasis was always on someone needing him. It seemed, in his mind that that was a free ticket. I would always find out the task he had to do took minutes, or did not exist at all, and he had just used it to stay out, drink more, keep his freedom. One time, I learned he was "helping a friend" who had a young giirlfriend who was pregnant get to a dr.s appnt. Turns out, the girlfriend did not even exist... He and friend went on a 3 day bender in friends apartment.

Now that he is sober, the reasoning is more transparent. He has to meet a friend to discuss school options for our son... I busted that one by showing up and asking friend abt his kid, who is only 1 year old. Friend had no idea.

Yeah, mine will always tell himself and me that he is "helping" someone while his own child sits here asking why daddy isn't coming home for dinner. Quack.

Now that he is sober

Cyranoak

She told me that in their meetings when they talk about all the things they did to hide their drinking she just picked up the new techniques organically, rather than having them "taught" to her.

I thought I was pretty smart about what she was doing, but in her now 8 months of sobriety, she has begun telling me all the ways I didn't even know she was drinking.

It was impressive. If alcoholics put the same amount of energy into world peace as they do finding a way to get drunk, we'd all be holding hands and singing Kumbayah. There'd be no point in SR. It wouldn't have a reason to exist.

Good God, I truly am powerless over alcohol.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

keepinon

jayscott..when my daughter went to rehab she was 99 lbs..she called and told us the food was so bad she wasn't eating anything and had lost weight..she told me to put ther dad on the phone and begged him to come get her.
4 months later she says " I told you I was starving cuz I knew you'd be worried and might let me come home..I asked for you to put dad on the phone cuz I had a better chance with him (I go to ALOT of alanon meetings..he's a dabbler)"
Turns out she WAS eating ..she gained 10 lbs in 28 days..it was a whol' lotta desperate quackin goin on..but I was really proud that she knew enough to not even ask ME if she could come home..by this point I had proved that I follow thru on what I say
I agree with what Thumper is saying..basically..step off the recovery roller coaster just like you did with the active using..it was actually alot harder for me to know what to do when she got into recovery..I thought"oh good..now I can jump back in" WRONGO! I had to be just as hands off as I was before..I went real limited contact for a while due to the volatility..one reason alot/most rehabs really limit the calls/visiting..they are sooo not ready..

jayscott

Amen.

At first, she loved her program because it "felt like a frat house." Younger people, similar personalities, people having fun together. Then someone checked out, then another moved to sober living, then an older guy checked in...and it started to feel less like fun.

Found a half-full extra large bottle of vodka the other day. Been trying to decide what to do with that knowledge.

Thumper

What knowledge? That your wife is an alcoholic?

You might take that sentence as a little sign that you are to focused on alcohol.

Throw it away and keep on truck'n.

Today, refuse to focus on alcohol. Go find anything in your life that you want more of, and focus on that.

jayscott

Duh. Think I'm missing the obvious on this one! Thank you.