Amazing how they move on.....
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Amazing how they move on.....
I wrote recently about how I couldn't get my XAH out of my house........then he finally left.
So he is still gone (yay) and my life isn't perfect, but it is better. Most of my struggles now lie with the issues of single parenthood. For example; this morning we were supposed to go to school early for "Muffins with Mom". I forgot. I guess my daughter forgot too, since she didn't mention it, but I feel really bad about that. It should have been our special morning. I am finding that even when he was around, I did do most of the stuff for the kids, but I guess he did do some things around the house, because even in the calm there is now a different kind of chaos. Not a bad chaos, just a fly by the seat of our pants kind of chaos. Anyway, I am getting way off topic here.
My XAH came to see the girls briefly this weekend, the first time in over 2 weeks. He was preoccupied the entire time with searching through the garage for a cord for his playstation.(ALL HIS CRAP IS STILL IN MY GARAGE
) Come to find out he moved in with a woman (ALREADY!!!!) and they are in love and blah, blah, blah and he wanted to play video games with her young son that afternoon! So, he comes under the pretense of missing his kids and wanting to spend some time with them, and then just looks for the stupid cord after spending maybe 20 minutes with them.
I really couldn't care less if I ever see him again. He was obviously still drinking (not that I really wondered) and just having him there for that short time nearly made me crazy. The problem is......here he is, with these 2 wonderful, sweet, amazing daughters who want to play with him and he is more concerned about getting back to his new house to play with this kid he barely knows. He stated at one point that I needed to make an effort to bring the girls (its about half an hour away) over there to see the place and meet this chick. Okay, I would want to do that if there was ever a possiblility of them spending any time there......but really? Here he is, moved in and in love, and telling me what I better do.
Does anyone have any thoughts on how this "meet and greet" should be handled? I don't know if she is an alcoholic too or not. She has a couple of kids and she has custoday, so maybe not.
Thank you for any input. You are all wonderful and strong and I really value your opinions!
M
So he is still gone (yay) and my life isn't perfect, but it is better. Most of my struggles now lie with the issues of single parenthood. For example; this morning we were supposed to go to school early for "Muffins with Mom". I forgot. I guess my daughter forgot too, since she didn't mention it, but I feel really bad about that. It should have been our special morning. I am finding that even when he was around, I did do most of the stuff for the kids, but I guess he did do some things around the house, because even in the calm there is now a different kind of chaos. Not a bad chaos, just a fly by the seat of our pants kind of chaos. Anyway, I am getting way off topic here.
My XAH came to see the girls briefly this weekend, the first time in over 2 weeks. He was preoccupied the entire time with searching through the garage for a cord for his playstation.(ALL HIS CRAP IS STILL IN MY GARAGE
) Come to find out he moved in with a woman (ALREADY!!!!) and they are in love and blah, blah, blah and he wanted to play video games with her young son that afternoon! So, he comes under the pretense of missing his kids and wanting to spend some time with them, and then just looks for the stupid cord after spending maybe 20 minutes with them. I really couldn't care less if I ever see him again. He was obviously still drinking (not that I really wondered) and just having him there for that short time nearly made me crazy. The problem is......here he is, with these 2 wonderful, sweet, amazing daughters who want to play with him and he is more concerned about getting back to his new house to play with this kid he barely knows. He stated at one point that I needed to make an effort to bring the girls (its about half an hour away) over there to see the place and meet this chick. Okay, I would want to do that if there was ever a possiblility of them spending any time there......but really? Here he is, moved in and in love, and telling me what I better do.
Does anyone have any thoughts on how this "meet and greet" should be handled? I don't know if she is an alcoholic too or not. She has a couple of kids and she has custoday, so maybe not.
Thank you for any input. You are all wonderful and strong and I really value your opinions!
M
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
honestly, I wouldn't take the girls to that house. Chances are that with a start this rapid, they won't be together long. Keep the girls with you, and as long as you aren't violating court orders or changing your plans, he can see them when he comes over. No way would I play his little "I'm in love" games and show the girls that crazy dysfunction.
It will just upset them to see him doting on some other woman's kid. If it lasts 6 months or so, then I might consider it. But not now.
It will just upset them to see him doting on some other woman's kid. If it lasts 6 months or so, then I might consider it. But not now.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
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Maybe you could borrow some of the neighbour's kids the next time he comes over and say you are just babysitting for your new boyfriend, no, girlfriend! That would bug the snot out of him! Also you could tell him that you won a playstation and gave it to your new darling stepson! Also, you could say you met his new girlfriend already at the obstetrician!!!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Hey MyBetterWorld! I love that you mention this because your ex husband sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. We do not have any children but our stories are similar. We did share a little black cockapoo dog that I am keeping. On the day we broke up, he already had a date planned with some woman that he claimed he had SO much in common with. I talked to him a week later to see how he was doing and he told me how much they liked each other and he was going to meet her family. I was like WTH!!!!! He also went out of his way to send me a picture message of her white poodle dog that he now liked more than our dog. Very mature.
I think it has something to do with not liking themselves enough to be alone with themselves. Us non-alcoholics are strong and we can be alone until we meet someone who we are a good match with. Alcoholics aren't picky. All they care about is if they have a warm body next to them that gives them THINGS, other than that, they could care less about personality, morals, values, religion etc. Its hard to accept but I just dont think they care that much about who they date, just so long as someone enables them. All they DO care about is the booze. It will only last as long as she enables him, then when that ends, he will move on.
I think it has something to do with not liking themselves enough to be alone with themselves. Us non-alcoholics are strong and we can be alone until we meet someone who we are a good match with. Alcoholics aren't picky. All they care about is if they have a warm body next to them that gives them THINGS, other than that, they could care less about personality, morals, values, religion etc. Its hard to accept but I just dont think they care that much about who they date, just so long as someone enables them. All they DO care about is the booze. It will only last as long as she enables him, then when that ends, he will move on.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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LOL, Hollyanne!! Too funny!
It is pretty sickening how quickly they move on and all that it represents.
I wouldn't be jumping to take the kids over there at this point either.
It isn't about what he wants...it is about the kids. And what works for you.
He is lucky you let him in to see the kids!!!!
It is pretty sickening how quickly they move on and all that it represents.
I wouldn't be jumping to take the kids over there at this point either.
It isn't about what he wants...it is about the kids. And what works for you.
He is lucky you let him in to see the kids!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Of course he's "moved on" (or should I say "LATCHED ON") to someone else. He is in desperate need of a new enabler that will allow him to continue to feel ok about his addiction and avoid at all costs examining himself. No surprise there.
I surmise that Ms. Flavour of the Week will be gone soon, so I wouldn't make any kind of effort to communicate with her or introduce your daughters to her. Should she become a more permanent fixture, you can start to establish a polite rapport.
I surmise that Ms. Flavour of the Week will be gone soon, so I wouldn't make any kind of effort to communicate with her or introduce your daughters to her. Should she become a more permanent fixture, you can start to establish a polite rapport.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Dousman WI
Posts: 51
I agree with noday.....this is just a pit stop - his way of avoiding his bottom. I concur that I wouldn't pull my children into that situation. If the new "GF" tires of his drinking, I imagine he won't last long there.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Ditto to sailorjohn and stella27. Your kids don't deserve to see this. You don't owe him anything just because he's the father, either. You owe it to your kids to protect them from trauma, and this would be an emotionally traumatic situation for them.
Yikes - where do they find these women and what are these women thinking?
Yikes - where do they find these women and what are these women thinking?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
My ex moved on within days. He had a few new women on his plate days after I left.
The desperation these addicts feel is huge.
My ex would have lunch, hang out and have sex with any woman who looked his way.
He gave up the drink and became addicted to attention.
Anything to avoid how much he hates himself.
Like NODAY says, they LATCH on to anything/anyone. They don't move on, they latch on. Love that!
I can truly say, after 5 yrs with the ex, I have NO DOUBT he didn't cry once after I left.
When I spoke to him 2 months into leaving and said "The break up is so hard, how are you feeling with it"
His reply "I've been so busy and not really had time to think about it"
hahaha...imagine saying that to someone after being together 5 yrs.
Robots!!!!!
The desperation these addicts feel is huge.
My ex would have lunch, hang out and have sex with any woman who looked his way.
He gave up the drink and became addicted to attention.
Anything to avoid how much he hates himself.
Like NODAY says, they LATCH on to anything/anyone. They don't move on, they latch on. Love that!
I can truly say, after 5 yrs with the ex, I have NO DOUBT he didn't cry once after I left.
When I spoke to him 2 months into leaving and said "The break up is so hard, how are you feeling with it"
His reply "I've been so busy and not really had time to think about it"
hahaha...imagine saying that to someone after being together 5 yrs.
Robots!!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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'They' move on to find a 'drinking partner', to find someone that won't criticize their drinking as they drink also. "They" move on to find another enabler, so that they can continue the life of numbness that they want.
But it never works for long.
I say this from my own personal alcoholic experience.
Therefore, please do not allow your children to go over their for visits. For now it may be better to 'suffer' his presence periodically when he visits the children at your house.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
But it never works for long.
I say this from my own personal alcoholic experience.
Therefore, please do not allow your children to go over their for visits. For now it may be better to 'suffer' his presence periodically when he visits the children at your house.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Same with my ex-would love attention from anyone...it could have been a monkey with a skirt on, he didnt care. I dont think they ever develop real adult attachments like we do, so that's how its easy for them to forget about previous relationships so quickly and it takes us WAY longer.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
HAHAHAAH duqld... I am laughing out loud at work!! :rotfxko
Moving on means going through the mourning process and its stages.
I don't believe anyone active in addiction or in codependency is emotionally healthy to go through those stages and learn from the experience.
I know going from guy to guy I never learned a thing and ended up with more pain and increasingly frustrated with myself.
I find it sad, what he is doing and hope life kicks his a$$ in some way so he realizes what he is missing before its too late.
Also addiction strives in enablers so its Modus Operandi to get someone-anyone- to enable them. I understood this reading this article (I keep on posting it!)
http://www.scribd.com/doc/325677/Dep...y-Relationship
It has nothing to do with you and certainly nothing to do with love... I feel for the woman and the kid trusting this guy, perhaps she will be posting here in SR later on about the "great guy who played with her kid" and all the turmoil that ensued.
It was cruel to say these things to you. But what can be expected? selfishness...
I listened in the radio they said in general "for women, if the relation with her partner is not really good, it is bad. for men, if the relation is not really bad, then it's good"
In any case he is someone else's problem and I am so glad you get your peace and your time with your kids, why don't you plan your own fun muffin morning at home??
Moving on means going through the mourning process and its stages.
I don't believe anyone active in addiction or in codependency is emotionally healthy to go through those stages and learn from the experience.
I know going from guy to guy I never learned a thing and ended up with more pain and increasingly frustrated with myself.
I find it sad, what he is doing and hope life kicks his a$$ in some way so he realizes what he is missing before its too late.
Also addiction strives in enablers so its Modus Operandi to get someone-anyone- to enable them. I understood this reading this article (I keep on posting it!)
http://www.scribd.com/doc/325677/Dep...y-Relationship
It has nothing to do with you and certainly nothing to do with love... I feel for the woman and the kid trusting this guy, perhaps she will be posting here in SR later on about the "great guy who played with her kid" and all the turmoil that ensued.
It was cruel to say these things to you. But what can be expected? selfishness...
I listened in the radio they said in general "for women, if the relation with her partner is not really good, it is bad. for men, if the relation is not really bad, then it's good"
In any case he is someone else's problem and I am so glad you get your peace and your time with your kids, why don't you plan your own fun muffin morning at home??
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
From Dependency - Relationship
We must remember that this is a selfish act, and a selfish person needs someone to be selfish with in order to create friction, which then causes energy outbursts. This is what they feed on. If they have a mate who condones or feeds their source, they do not have to touch, communicate, or in anyway have interaction, as just the fact that they are in close proximity feeds their emotional and mental dis-eased nature. They need to feed off of someone in a parasitic way.
We must remember that this is a selfish act, and a selfish person needs someone to be selfish with in order to create friction, which then causes energy outbursts. This is what they feed on. If they have a mate who condones or feeds their source, they do not have to touch, communicate, or in anyway have interaction, as just the fact that they are in close proximity feeds their emotional and mental dis-eased nature. They need to feed off of someone in a parasitic way.
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Taking charge..........I feel for this woman too. I think. I have no idea who she is or what she is like. I feel like I should give her the disclaimer, but no one gave it to me! She may well be here soon. I don't know. I was with him for 10 years and didn't start to recognize the problems until year 4 or so. Even then, I put up with it. It has just finally been this last 2 years that I have actually done something about it. She could be in for a long, bumpy ride. I'm just glad it's not me anymore! Her problem now! But I do hope her child isn't adversely affected.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
We can't do anything but leave them to their HP, MyBetterWorld
I read many of your posts before.
I am so so glad, he is not living with you anymore.
As Bernadette says "the past is gone..we are free in this moment"
When I was small like 6 or so I met my father's wife and it was traumatic, not even alcohol was involved and not even other kids were involved so I support what others have already said. What makes things convenient for him doesn't mean you have to do them.
I read many of your posts before.
I am so so glad, he is not living with you anymore.
As Bernadette says "the past is gone..we are free in this moment"
When I was small like 6 or so I met my father's wife and it was traumatic, not even alcohol was involved and not even other kids were involved so I support what others have already said. What makes things convenient for him doesn't mean you have to do them.
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
I totally agree with everyone else. Dependent people move on quickly because they can't function without someone to take care of them...someone to drain energy from.
I just wanted to tell you that it DOES get better. For the first six months after XAH was gone, my life was shambles. I felt like I was failing my kids...forgetting to do homework, digging clean socks/shirts/underwear out of one of multiple baskets of clean laundry laying around the house, eating cereal and sandwiches for dinner every night, forgetting friends' birthday parties...all with the house being a complete wreck! I could not figure out how things got so chaotic after such a burden was lifted. But the fact is, even if someone is only doing 20%, that's 20% less for you to do.
100% requires a hefty adjustment but it does happen. You eventually find a "new normal". I'm now at 8 months later and life is clearing up. I have a routine down with the boys, laundry is getting put away, the house is back to its normal level of clutter and I'm back to being able to do some of the Mommy extras. Today I sent my boys out the door with all their Valentines done and 2 dozen cupcakes each. Three months ago, I didn't think the day would ever come.
Hang in there, friend. Take care of yourself so you have energy for your kiddos. The are going to need you. Keep talking to them...ask them how they are doing, if they have any questions. Sometimes they don't always know the questions to ask but are wondering. You can be a source of great stability and strength for them right now and it sounds like they are really going to need it.
Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld 
I am finding that even when he was around, I did do most of the stuff for the kids, but I guess he did do some things around the house, because even in the calm there is now a different kind of chaos. Not a bad chaos, just a fly by the seat of our pants kind of chaos.
100% requires a hefty adjustment but it does happen. You eventually find a "new normal". I'm now at 8 months later and life is clearing up. I have a routine down with the boys, laundry is getting put away, the house is back to its normal level of clutter and I'm back to being able to do some of the Mommy extras. Today I sent my boys out the door with all their Valentines done and 2 dozen cupcakes each. Three months ago, I didn't think the day would ever come.
Hang in there, friend. Take care of yourself so you have energy for your kiddos. The are going to need you. Keep talking to them...ask them how they are doing, if they have any questions. Sometimes they don't always know the questions to ask but are wondering. You can be a source of great stability and strength for them right now and it sounds like they are really going to need it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Thank you for the words of encouragement, SKW. I feel so flustered and rushed all the time. I have always worked outside the home full time, but I am starting to wonder how I have done all this for so long! We forgot homework last week (luckily DD #1 is only in first grade, and way ahead of her grade level in all subjects, but still....) It's not like me to forget this stuff! Luckily, we did Valentines last night and I had to DD #2's since she is only 2. I feel like I am just 5 minutes away from disaster! I have even taken to showering at night to save time in the morning.....today was day one of that and we were STILL scrambling to get out the door! My 2 year old is a stasher......my perfume is missing still and this morning I couldn't find my shoes.......needless to say I have other pairs but Geesh! Feeling frazzled. I think I need to take a personal day and get organized.......start with a clean slate! Thank you all..........you told me what I needed to hear!
M
M
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