Doing things to make other ppl happy!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
Doing things to make other ppl happy!
Tonight i went to my sisters for a 3 course meal,her fiancee is away for the weekend.
Anyway we had a great meal a few bottles of wine and some buds!
However when it got to about 9.30 my mum wanted to go home,we both do the same the job and have to be up at half 5 mum and me were leaving but my sister asked me to please stay,so i said ok il stay for a few hours.
Anyhow,all night she had been saying to me please dont go!!
So as the night went on and i got a few more drinks down me i plucked up the courage to say that i was gonna phone work and tell them i was ill!
But because she was being sick at the time when i said that (that was at half 1) she just told me that i should just go so here i am at home now but you know i feel really pissed off because i only stayed because i felt bad that she went to all that trouble with the meal and everything and when she asked me not to go i couldnt turn her down,and i hate myself for conforming to other ppls needs without thinking that i actually need to get up in a few hours.
I knew all night i had to get up early but still i was too busy worrying how everyone else felt rather than just going home and going to bed like i wanted to.
How do i change this? infact i dont even know what i am asking you but all i know is i am pissed off abt it!
Ghirl xxx
Anyway we had a great meal a few bottles of wine and some buds!
However when it got to about 9.30 my mum wanted to go home,we both do the same the job and have to be up at half 5 mum and me were leaving but my sister asked me to please stay,so i said ok il stay for a few hours.
Anyhow,all night she had been saying to me please dont go!!
So as the night went on and i got a few more drinks down me i plucked up the courage to say that i was gonna phone work and tell them i was ill!
But because she was being sick at the time when i said that (that was at half 1) she just told me that i should just go so here i am at home now but you know i feel really pissed off because i only stayed because i felt bad that she went to all that trouble with the meal and everything and when she asked me not to go i couldnt turn her down,and i hate myself for conforming to other ppls needs without thinking that i actually need to get up in a few hours.
I knew all night i had to get up early but still i was too busy worrying how everyone else felt rather than just going home and going to bed like i wanted to.
How do i change this? infact i dont even know what i am asking you but all i know is i am pissed off abt it!
Ghirl xxx
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I recommend the book "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty. 
Don't beat yourself up - this is how we learn - just realizing that you didn't act in your best interest IS a huge step forward! because it means you are realizing you are WORTH following your best interest.
Progress not perfection.
Also as I have basically been a doormat for decades I am going to therapy, these DNA hard coded patterns (my mom, dad, sister, well my entire FAMILY is super codependent) are not something easy to remove and I need help and someone tracking my steps otherwise I fall and do the same old, same old.
Don't beat yourself up - this is how we learn - just realizing that you didn't act in your best interest IS a huge step forward! because it means you are realizing you are WORTH following your best interest.
Progress not perfection.
Also as I have basically been a doormat for decades I am going to therapy, these DNA hard coded patterns (my mom, dad, sister, well my entire FAMILY is super codependent) are not something easy to remove and I need help and someone tracking my steps otherwise I fall and do the same old, same old.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
i feel really pissed off because i only stayed because i felt bad that she went to all that trouble with the meal and everything and when she asked me not to go i couldnt turn her down,and i hate myself for conforming to other ppls needs without thinking that i actually need to get up in a few hours.
I knew all night i had to get up early but still i was too busy worrying how everyone else felt rather than just going home and going to bed like i wanted to.
How do i change this? infact i dont even know what i am asking you but all i know is i am pissed off abt it!
I knew all night i had to get up early but still i was too busy worrying how everyone else felt rather than just going home and going to bed like i wanted to.
How do i change this? infact i dont even know what i am asking you but all i know is i am pissed off abt it!
All that was just not working and it was making me emotionally crazy in relationships. So, I decided I was going to make myself "one hundred thousand percent" responsible for my life. Especially those things I expected a man to provide for me. It was tough, and I had to learn a lot of things in order not to lean on someone else, but it worked. And it taught me how I AM capable of things I used to think I was not. I began to feel more secure and confident. And it taught me what is healthy to expect from and lean on others for.
Getting a Higher Power helped a lot too.
You CelticGirl are the only person who can take care of you the way you need to be taken care of. You have no obligation when someone cooks you dinner, to sacrifice your own needs for theirs. I'm not sure why your sister wanted you to stay, but it doesn't sound like her life was in danger and she really needed you there or anything like that. Your wants and your needs have to come first if you are to take care of yourself. Neglecting and ignoring my wants and needs never got me anywhere. In fact, it only got me in places and with people I did not belong. I have had to "get selfish" about my wants and needs. It was hard at first because it felt wrong to put myself first. It just felt really selfish, uncaring, and unkind. But at a certain point I realized that the unkind thing really was to not take care of me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, Celticghirl. It's taken me so long to figure out why I felt like cr-p after doing things I had neither time or desire to do for others. it's also taken me quite a while to realize that even though they may be friends and care about me, they're not going to protect my time for me if I'm not.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I have a hard time telling people no too so I'm really paying attention and taking notes for myself.
I don't know about you...but I feel guilty when I say no. Like I SHOULD want to help them or go out of my way etc..
I gotta get over that.
it's one thing to be a good friend and something else to be a doormat.
I don't know about you...but I feel guilty when I say no. Like I SHOULD want to help them or go out of my way etc..
I gotta get over that.
it's one thing to be a good friend and something else to be a doormat.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I feel guilty when I say no.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Ok, I may be wrong about this, but I'm not sure where the doing things for others is in your post.
When I read it, and I may have done so incorrectly, it sounded to me like you stayed up most of the night drinking wine and smoking pot with your mother and sister, your mom stopped and went home because she had to work the next day, and drunk and stoned you stayed because your sister asked you to. You drank more, then you called in sick to work.
Am I crazy when I say you could have gone home when your mom did? You could have said no to your sister? And, if you did say yes out of guilt, then there's the problem for you to focus on and learn from.
Perhaps your reasoning and independence was impaired by the wine and pot? Perhaps posting to SR while drunk and stoned also may not be a great choice?
If I'm wrong here, please accept my apologies.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
When I read it, and I may have done so incorrectly, it sounded to me like you stayed up most of the night drinking wine and smoking pot with your mother and sister, your mom stopped and went home because she had to work the next day, and drunk and stoned you stayed because your sister asked you to. You drank more, then you called in sick to work.
Am I crazy when I say you could have gone home when your mom did? You could have said no to your sister? And, if you did say yes out of guilt, then there's the problem for you to focus on and learn from.
Perhaps your reasoning and independence was impaired by the wine and pot? Perhaps posting to SR while drunk and stoned also may not be a great choice?
If I'm wrong here, please accept my apologies.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I have always felt guilty saying "no" as well.
Before I agree to things, I have started running through my motivations in my mind, to make sure it really IS something I want to do, especially when it involves doing a favor for a friend.
Two recent examples:
Allow visiting friend to borrow my washer/drier for a couple loads of laundry.
Unusual request, she's going through tough times financially, I've been looking forward to her visit, she expects me to say no but thought she'd ask anyway, the visit can be longer because she doesn't have to leave to get to a laundromat, and we can have lunch together.
I'd like a long visit, I wanted to have lunch together, and my gut says she's not trying to take advantage of me and this won't become a habit, so sure.
End result - we had a great day, she bought us a small lunch as a "thank you" for borrowing my washer/drier, and the visit went great.
My mother asks Wednesday if they can visit on Saturday, I really don't like short notices like this, I had plans on Saturday that could be rescheduled but I don't want to reschedule them, my sister I haven't had much time to talk to for two years will be with them, that sister saw me last week and wasn't interested in talking, never called me back after the messages I left, and basically dumps her frustrations on me when she's upset then disappears and never returns my calls when she doesn't want something from me, and I just had everyone up here a month ago.
I feel they're using me as something to do on an otherwise empty Saturday, I don't like last minute plans, I feel they're trying to take advantage of me, so no, I don't want a visit.
End result - they backed off, said maybe late March, we'd plan something sometime next month, and I had a nice relaxing weekend.
Little by little I am learning that the world doesn't end when I say "no," and that people who get offended when I say it aren't worth worrying about (and my life is less complicated without them).
Before I agree to things, I have started running through my motivations in my mind, to make sure it really IS something I want to do, especially when it involves doing a favor for a friend.
Two recent examples:
Allow visiting friend to borrow my washer/drier for a couple loads of laundry.
Unusual request, she's going through tough times financially, I've been looking forward to her visit, she expects me to say no but thought she'd ask anyway, the visit can be longer because she doesn't have to leave to get to a laundromat, and we can have lunch together.
I'd like a long visit, I wanted to have lunch together, and my gut says she's not trying to take advantage of me and this won't become a habit, so sure.
End result - we had a great day, she bought us a small lunch as a "thank you" for borrowing my washer/drier, and the visit went great.
My mother asks Wednesday if they can visit on Saturday, I really don't like short notices like this, I had plans on Saturday that could be rescheduled but I don't want to reschedule them, my sister I haven't had much time to talk to for two years will be with them, that sister saw me last week and wasn't interested in talking, never called me back after the messages I left, and basically dumps her frustrations on me when she's upset then disappears and never returns my calls when she doesn't want something from me, and I just had everyone up here a month ago.
I feel they're using me as something to do on an otherwise empty Saturday, I don't like last minute plans, I feel they're trying to take advantage of me, so no, I don't want a visit.
End result - they backed off, said maybe late March, we'd plan something sometime next month, and I had a nice relaxing weekend.
Little by little I am learning that the world doesn't end when I say "no," and that people who get offended when I say it aren't worth worrying about (and my life is less complicated without them).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
A couple of weekends ago I was at a friend's and had to work the next day. They wanted to go out and I declined because I knew I'd be tired and crabby. But they 'peer pressured' me and I went. I'm GLAD I went and so I was a bit tired the next day, I don't do it all the time.
Try not to be so hard n yourself!
If this is a pattern you have then it is more about boundary issues, especially if you feel 'taken advantage of' by family or those closest to you.
Work on your boundaries by doing it in small instances. You won't have them overnight but saying no here and there will make it easier over time.
Try not to be so hard n yourself!
If this is a pattern you have then it is more about boundary issues, especially if you feel 'taken advantage of' by family or those closest to you.
Work on your boundaries by doing it in small instances. You won't have them overnight but saying no here and there will make it easier over time.
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