Wanting to quit with my spouse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2
Wanting to quit with my spouse
Hi, and glad I found this. I have read a lot of topics, but want some advice when both spouses are alcoholics. I have been drinking for 15 years and heavily the last 3, around 1 liter of vodka a night. My wife is a different drinker and likes to go out and party and does not drink every day, but has lately been making some horrible decisions. We have only been married 8 months and were together a few years before getting married.
Our marraige has been in shambles and I can directly relate every fight, money issue, etc. directly to alcohol. I was trying to think of a time that it was not what caused the problem and could not think of one. Last night was the 1st night I can ever remember not having a drink.
I have been reading online articles all day long and want to quit to better my life. I would also like her to quit to better her life and ours as a couple, becuase I truly believe without this, we are never going to make it and just resent one another.
I have tried different google combinations and find it hard to find information when both parties of a marriage are alcoholics and also what to do if she decides not to do it.
Thank you all for the great and helpful topics that I have read so far!
Our marraige has been in shambles and I can directly relate every fight, money issue, etc. directly to alcohol. I was trying to think of a time that it was not what caused the problem and could not think of one. Last night was the 1st night I can ever remember not having a drink.
I have been reading online articles all day long and want to quit to better my life. I would also like her to quit to better her life and ours as a couple, becuase I truly believe without this, we are never going to make it and just resent one another.
I have tried different google combinations and find it hard to find information when both parties of a marriage are alcoholics and also what to do if she decides not to do it.
Thank you all for the great and helpful topics that I have read so far!
Last edited by ThomasJ; 02-12-2011 at 04:31 PM. Reason: I'm 35 if that makes a difference.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Up, Up and Away
Posts: 434
I just watched an old Intervention tv show where both spouses were alcoholics. They were sent to separate rehabs since they both needed to concentrate on themselves.
I don't have any personal experience with this subject, though.
Welcome to SR.
I don't have any personal experience with this subject, though.
Welcome to SR.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Your situation is out of my area of experience..
I was not married when my drinking slid me into addiction.
Others will be along with more insight ...but I wanted to
welcome you to our recovery community.....
I was not married when my drinking slid me into addiction.
Others will be along with more insight ...but I wanted to
welcome you to our recovery community.....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Welcome Thomas 
There's a few members here who have partners who still drink or who have the same problem...hope you'll hear from them.
I think support is vital for all of us...but it's not always found at home. That's why SR is a great place to hang out.
I also think it's important for each of you to focus on your own recovery..you can only make your decision to quit...it's your wife's call to do whatever she chooses to do.
D
There's a few members here who have partners who still drink or who have the same problem...hope you'll hear from them.
I think support is vital for all of us...but it's not always found at home. That's why SR is a great place to hang out.
I also think it's important for each of you to focus on your own recovery..you can only make your decision to quit...it's your wife's call to do whatever she chooses to do.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2
Thanks for the support! I am going to have to track down that episode from Intervention, I am sure there would be a lot of things to relate to. Sometimes seeing others do it in the same situation and how it impacts everything could really help. Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
It's gonna be tough enough for you to worry about your own recovery, much less hers. Perhaps she will be inspired when she sees you begin to improve your own life. You can, and should, seek support from others in recovery... As she should do herself.
Welcome to SR!!
Welcome to SR!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 73
Hi Thomas, welcome. My wife and I have been drinking buddies for our entire marriage. Just social drinking in the beginning but over the years it escalated. Once the kids were grown and out of the house on their own we progressed more and were "relaxing" after work every night to the point of getting plastered, isolating from friends/family, blacking out... the whole deal.
After numerous (and feeble) attempts to quit I finally realized we were in real trouble and this was no way to live. I'd finally had enough and I tried to get her to quit with me but she wasn't interested. So I quit on my own. It will be 1 year March 1st, (not that I'm counting :-)). It's been tough, but absolutlely the right thing. I feel so much better, healthier, happier, interested in lots of things, energetic, reconnecting with friends etc. My only regret is all the years I wasted drinking. I can't get them back.
But as you might guess it has totally changed our relationship. We're still living together but almost totally seperate lives. It was very hard living in the same house with a drinker at first, but I've gotten used to it and it is possible. But also, I know this situation is not a long term solution. At some point soon if she still has no interest in quitting, we'll seperate. I want more than this.
I know every situation is different. It looks like you've realized the destruction alcohol is causing your life and you want to fix it. You have to make the decision for yourself, and if you're wife is not at that point yet there's nothing you can say or do will "make" her quit with you.
But sobriety gives you back your life. It may be a different life than you have now, but I guarantee it will be a better one. Relationships work themselves out, or they don't. But they shouldn't prevent your sobriety. It took me 20 years to learn that, I hope you're a quicker study!
After numerous (and feeble) attempts to quit I finally realized we were in real trouble and this was no way to live. I'd finally had enough and I tried to get her to quit with me but she wasn't interested. So I quit on my own. It will be 1 year March 1st, (not that I'm counting :-)). It's been tough, but absolutlely the right thing. I feel so much better, healthier, happier, interested in lots of things, energetic, reconnecting with friends etc. My only regret is all the years I wasted drinking. I can't get them back.
But as you might guess it has totally changed our relationship. We're still living together but almost totally seperate lives. It was very hard living in the same house with a drinker at first, but I've gotten used to it and it is possible. But also, I know this situation is not a long term solution. At some point soon if she still has no interest in quitting, we'll seperate. I want more than this.
I know every situation is different. It looks like you've realized the destruction alcohol is causing your life and you want to fix it. You have to make the decision for yourself, and if you're wife is not at that point yet there's nothing you can say or do will "make" her quit with you.
But sobriety gives you back your life. It may be a different life than you have now, but I guarantee it will be a better one. Relationships work themselves out, or they don't. But they shouldn't prevent your sobriety. It took me 20 years to learn that, I hope you're a quicker study!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 279
Hi Thomas. My husband and I have been drinking together for years. I would like him to quit with me as well. But I can't make him. I can only control what I do and hope that he sees my example and follows. I am very new to sobriety, so I can't give much insight as to how it will all work out--I think every relationship is different. I'm hopeful that eventually my husband will quit as well, because in the past he has talked about quitting, and has had a couple of goes at it himself. In my opinion his drinking is more problematic than mine; I think he has a much harder time stopping once he starts than I do. But he has to come to that realization on his own.
I don't know how helpful this was; but just know that I know exactly what you are going through.
Good luck!
I don't know how helpful this was; but just know that I know exactly what you are going through.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
We didn't make it. I know of people that DID make it tho..It is like living alone when you quit drinking..but your spouse is drinking. But we had alot of other problems as well. And the drinking was never a glass of wine with dinner type thing..it was years of both of us being on a mission to get drunk. Then I would want to get sober..and he was hell bent not to. I would end up joining him...he would be resentful that I didn't drink with him. OR it could be that the only way I could stand his drunkeness was to keep up with him. All I know is it turned into a push me pull you type of relationship. Once we split up I got sober. Not before trying to drink myself to death trying to figure out why we tortured each other for twenty five yrs...BUT at least I finally got what I have always wanted..sobriety! Still working on healing alot of leftover stuff..I couldn't even begin to do that while actively drinking. I wish you well!!!
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Welcome! As others can attest, you can't do much about your wife's drinking but have many resources to help with your own! I am an alcoholic and my husband is a normal drinker. Although to towards the end of my alcoholism he was drinking more and more. I was getting a little worried about him (which sounds so ridiculous seeing as I was so much worse). Anyway, I quit and he has gone back to normal drinking.
Do focus on your own journey and your marriage will do it's thing, IMO.
Do focus on your own journey and your marriage will do it's thing, IMO.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
I am a recovering alkie and my husband drinks daily. It sucks, especially when I can smell it. It turns me off more and more where it used to not bother me. I am also occasionally jealous that he has a way to relax which is no longer available to me.
When I get all bunched up about it, I need to turn to my support system which happens to be the entire program of AA (soup to nuts) and this here forum.
The more I stay out of his issues and focus on my own, the healthier I become.
When I get all bunched up about it, I need to turn to my support system which happens to be the entire program of AA (soup to nuts) and this here forum.
The more I stay out of his issues and focus on my own, the healthier I become.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hello thomas and welcome to sr.
well i have a happy story for you,they do exsist!
B and i have been together 8 years.we thought all our Christmases had come at once when we met.we both liked to drink...a lot....
there were periods when he would stop or i would stop but both of us being alcoholic we would always go back to it.
we could do social things in the begining but towards the end it was blackout/pass out drinking.arguments,rows,resentment..the whole shebang.
i went to AA on the 3 of january 2009,i drank again on the 6th of feb but that was my last drink.i was serious this time.
it became apparent very quickly that we were not going to be able to stay together.
i carried on going to AA and put my all into it.
on the 3rd of march he rang me and asked me to get him help.
i celebrated my 2nd AA birthday last monday and his will be in a couple of weeks.
we are still together and happy.
the only thing we can do in this situation is lead by example and pray our partners want what we have.
we have to put ourselves,our sobriety first.
well i have a happy story for you,they do exsist!
B and i have been together 8 years.we thought all our Christmases had come at once when we met.we both liked to drink...a lot....
there were periods when he would stop or i would stop but both of us being alcoholic we would always go back to it.
we could do social things in the begining but towards the end it was blackout/pass out drinking.arguments,rows,resentment..the whole shebang.
i went to AA on the 3 of january 2009,i drank again on the 6th of feb but that was my last drink.i was serious this time.
it became apparent very quickly that we were not going to be able to stay together.
i carried on going to AA and put my all into it.
on the 3rd of march he rang me and asked me to get him help.
i celebrated my 2nd AA birthday last monday and his will be in a couple of weeks.
we are still together and happy.
the only thing we can do in this situation is lead by example and pray our partners want what we have.
we have to put ourselves,our sobriety first.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 1
Hello everyone! Even though I consider myself an internet expert and avid computer user, this is my very first post to any type of forum.
I feel the need to thank you all for being out there. My common-law partner and I are frequent drug and alcohol users -- every weekend and at least one week night per week. It is seriously impacting our lives. I have lost three jobs in a row due to my addiction; fortunately I was able to just recently graduate from University; I cannot afford to mess up my career. I am ready to stop; unfortunately he is not. He believes that his usage is normal and acceptable. Reading the above posts, it is clear to me that I need to do what is right for me. He may or may not follow and we will have to make decisions about our relationship over the coming months and years.
I look forward to this journey and I am hopeful that I will have much support from this community and others.
Sober since... today. June 23, 2012.
J
I feel the need to thank you all for being out there. My common-law partner and I are frequent drug and alcohol users -- every weekend and at least one week night per week. It is seriously impacting our lives. I have lost three jobs in a row due to my addiction; fortunately I was able to just recently graduate from University; I cannot afford to mess up my career. I am ready to stop; unfortunately he is not. He believes that his usage is normal and acceptable. Reading the above posts, it is clear to me that I need to do what is right for me. He may or may not follow and we will have to make decisions about our relationship over the coming months and years.
I look forward to this journey and I am hopeful that I will have much support from this community and others.
Sober since... today. June 23, 2012.
J
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 87
Hi Thomas. My wife and I have drank together the entire 20 years of our marriage. I have quit twice, once for over a year and once for 6 months and slipped up both times. I have finally reached my breaking point and quit again, this time with a new strength and resolve I never had before. My wife continues to live in denial that she has a problem, and is right now drinking like always. I can't make her see the damage that our drinking has caused and I guess I probably never will. She will have to reach her breaking point on her own to get to a point like I am at where I am ready to never take a drink again. I can only hope that the more she see's the positive changes that are happening with me being sober that she will somehow be inspired to make the committment herself. I do know this however, regardless of when, if ever, she reaches her breaking point it doesn't change my resolve to stay sober one day at a time!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, canuck!
Getting sober was scary at first, but it's probably the best thing I ever did for myself. Having support made all the difference, too - I wanted to change, but couldn't do it on my own. Glad you're here!!
Getting sober was scary at first, but it's probably the best thing I ever did for myself. Having support made all the difference, too - I wanted to change, but couldn't do it on my own. Glad you're here!!
A girl can dream...
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Recovery Road
Posts: 388
From one Canuck to another
Thanks for the courage to come to SR and share your situation. I tried quitting drinking for the past ten years without my husband wanting to quit with me. I failed everytime. I gave ultimatums to no avail and got absolutely no where. The other day I asked him for one last thing: "Convince me to stay in the marriage." I was finally ready to leave and low and behold, for the first time in our 15 years together, he poured out every drop of alcohol we had in the house and we haven't had a drink in three days.
He's sitting next to me now watching golf and eating cookies like they're going out of style but I'd rather have him a few pounds heavier and sober. There may be hope for us yet.
Keep focussed on your quitting and you may be surprised - he may follow suit. If he doesn't, then at least you're looking after yourself first and worry about the future of the relationship when you're strong and ready to make any decisions about what lies ahead. I'll be thinking about you everyday!
He's sitting next to me now watching golf and eating cookies like they're going out of style but I'd rather have him a few pounds heavier and sober. There may be hope for us yet.
Keep focussed on your quitting and you may be surprised - he may follow suit. If he doesn't, then at least you're looking after yourself first and worry about the future of the relationship when you're strong and ready to make any decisions about what lies ahead. I'll be thinking about you everyday!
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