enodm

Hi all, I have visited this site man times for both my AH and AS. My son who will be 20 this month has been batteling drug addiction for a couple of years now is back at it again, possibly worse this time. Long story short in the past two years he has been in treatment.. Inpatient once, 3 or 4 intensive outpaitent programs currently in a court ordered IOP, hospitalized in intensive care once for huffing so much he had methanol posionsing, in the er once for over dosing on the new drug rave called Ivory wave (bath salts) and got out of a 2 week stay in a mental facility for drug induced schizophrenia, which was a month ago.
Apparently from his room mate he is smoking zanex again, which I figured due to his recent behavior. I have become complacant with it all, I know I have done all I can and have been able to accept his disease without getting angry or nagging anymore. I am however having dreams almost every night (very detailed dreams) that he over-doses, which is scaring the he** out of me.
So, my question.. I am still paying his cel phone, which the contract ends in April, after that I will not pay it anymore.. When he asks for money I tell him NO.. He has a bus pass for transportation and food stamps so he can eat, but my parents who are easily manipulated by my son and feel bad for him are letting him work for money... So, if he is working and working hard(painting, yard work etc) and they give him money for his work (he does not have a job) is this still enabling???

suki44883

I wouldn't consider it enabling if they are getting something they need in exchange for giving him money. It might be if they just made up things they didn't really need in order to give him money.

keepinon

My daughter wanted to "work " for my mom too.I discouraged it, but ultimately have no control.My mom tended to waaay overpay for the little jobs.
We avoided doing anything that would keep her out there "one more day"

outtolunch

Whatever it is, you have no more control over your parents than you have over your son.

Controlling myself/my reactions is more than a full time job for me. How about you?

devastated

I don't think it is enabling if your son is working for your parents and they pay him accordingly. In other words, do not overpay for the work he has performed.

I don't think they need cellphones, so wouldn't pay for that anymore. I would probably give the son notice that it is expiring in April.

I think they use the cellphones to contact their "friends" for drugs. My son always said he needed the phone in case jobs call! Yeah, right!

I did that too, but not anymore.

Prayers going out to you and especially for your son

Hugs, Devastated

thequest

I think it's good they're making him work for it. That's the important thing in that they just didn't give him money. We've found that denying or tightly controlling the flow of money to the one has worked, now they don't come runnin for $. If he asks you give more questions than a bank loan application and he just doesn't want to bother. You have to put them through the ringers even for meal money.

20 is still young which is tough because the young ones don't have a mature self to return to.Nor do 40 year olds who have partied since their early teens.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

enodm

Thanks all!! I appreciate and value your advice! Kids are terrorists I tell ya!!!

Kindeyes

There is such a fine line sometimes between enabling and helping. This is one of those situations that could fall on either side of that fine line. But I think OuttoLunch put it well....

For me and my interactions with my son, I picture a scale in my mind. On one side of the scale is "enabling the disease" and the other side of the scale is "supporting recovery". Whatever the situation is, I place it mentally on that scale.........from my perspective......if it doesn't fit on the "supporting recovery" side of the scale......it usually means that it belongs on the "enabling the disease" side.

Did that make sense?

gentle hugs

keepinon

I just was thinking more about this..I really do feel its enabling, because at the point where they cannot hold a job due to their addiction and a family member gives them "work" usually which they do when they want, not on a tight shedule (in my case)..it's NOT allowing them to feel the consequences of their actions fully..padding the bottom if you will..but again..you only have control over YOU

enodm

Keepinon-You hit the nail on the head.. My son ONLY calls when he needs money. My dad will make arragnementf for him to come at 9 in the morning and my son shows up when it is convienent for him! He called me last night at midnight asking if I would get on the computer and transf him $6.00 so he could get smokes.. I told him He** no, I was asleep cause I have to get up and work at 5 in the morning. I told him to get a job and buy his own smokes. It really pissed me off that he called to wake me up for that, yet he cant text me back if I text to say HI and have a good day. ARGH!!!

devastated

Enodm, don't you love the way they are up at all hours of the night and haven't got the brains not to call normal people.

I can't remember my son doing that for a really long, long, time, because he knew better than to wake the sleeping giant!

If he had, the answer would be the same as yours! GET A JOB! BETTER YET, GET A JOB AND QUIT SMOKING! MAYBE YOU CAN CALL A FEW OF YOUR FRIENDS, I'M SURE THEY'LL BE HAPPY TO HELP YOU OUT! YOU KNOW THE ONES THAT SUPPLY YOU WITH DRUGS!

keepinon, hmmmm? perhaps you are right. Never thought about it like that, but did employ my son to paint our deck. He did all the hard part, but then got really angry when I wouldn't pay him in advance and left! Oh well!

Hugs, Devastated

Habit

Devastated,

I know what you mean. There is never money for necessities. But, somehow there is always money for drugs. And, there is always money for cigarettes.

I am new to this website. This is my second post. However, I am not new to the horrible disease of addition. My AD has been in and out of recovery for 15 years. She is 36 years old. My story is similar to others who have posted. It has been 15 years of living hell. Just when you think it can't get any worse...it does. But, I do have Hope. And through the years, we have had good days. Today, I am closer to my HP due to this disease.

I think I am in the final stage of my recovery...acceptance. I have reached the conclusion that she will either get sober or she will die.

I still relapse and fall back into my old behavior. That "stinking thinking" can take over in a heartbeat. Through prayer, al anon meetings, therapy, books, and websites such as this, I am learning little by little.

There has been NC for a little over 2 weeks. I wrote her that we needed to distance ourselves from each other for her health as well as mine. I wrote, "Please...no more contact." She called and left me a message on my a/m that I was horrible and crazy. I know she is trying to manipulate me. I recognize it so well. She is in my HP's Hands. And, that is a good place to be!

My love for her has never waned. Today, I love her just as much as I did when the nurse placed her in my arms for the first time. The pain is almost unbearable. Yet, my HP gives me the Grace to take One Day at a Time.

Thank you for allowing me to share with you.

enodm

Habit~We too have good days and BAD days! Since I started going to Alanon and learned I have NO control I myself have many more good days than bad. However recently I have been having dreams, very vivid dream of my son over dosing and this past week I have noticed my self texting him more, calling him more and I HAVE TO STOP!!! The crazy thinking makes me just that CRAZY!!
One hour at a time for me.. one hour at a time
xoxo

Habit

enodm~ I understand. I have "been there...done that." Addiction is a family disease. It is a cruel disease. It truly is insanity...doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. When I start to obsess over my AD, I go outside and work in my garden. Or I take a basket of tennis balls and serve for a couple of hours. Usually, if I do something "physical" it helps. I have to "redirect" my thought process.

Also, I have had the nightmares. I would wake up in the middle of the night totally soaked with perspiration. Many times, I have thought the door bell was ringing at 3am. I thought...it is a policeman coming to tell me that she is dead. I would jump out of bed and look out the window.

All of the worrying, obsessing, trying to control her disease did not accomplish anything. It only made me sicker.

I am learning...slowly...I might add, that I can't control her disease. At this point in time, I am working on my own health.

outtolunch

It took me a long time to grasp that "no" was a complete sentance and anything else opened the door to negotiation.

Back wehn I used to get middle of the night phone calls, asking for whatever I eventually made the decision to turn off the phone. I accepted that I might miss the call that my daughter was lying in a ditch, somewhere. I forced myself to acknowledge that there is not a darn thing I can do for someone who calls me late at night. That's why we have Police and ER. It felt like the weight of the world was lifted when I gave myself the power to turn the blasted phone off.

hope2be

Hi Gang...what is going on? I had a similar scenario playing in my mind today.
This morning, I was driving back from work (work night shifts) and this thought pops into my head from nowhere...(my AD's boyfriend calls and is crying saying she's dead). I felt a horrible dread like it was real. I stopped myself from calling and asking if everything was ok. However, it took a lot of praying to "shake it".

This "forewarning" has happened before more than once. Therefore, I would relate this to some sort of motherly instinct knowing my adult children were in danger.

However, my intellect tells me that life is so dysfunctional for the addict that eventually something awful will happen to land them in jail, hospitals, mental instituations, on the streets, etc.

It's good to know that I'm not psychotic. It also motivates me to work at my recovery even harder.
I feel so fortunate to have this SR family to share all this with.

devastated

I sure can relate to all of you 'cause in 35 years I've gone through all those scenarios! Finally came to the conclusion that what would happen would happen, nothing I can do or say will stop destiny!

Take care and just practice rolling with it!

Hugs, Devastated