Secrets
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Secrets
So, I've been trying to work on chipping away this whole denial thing that I cemented myself into. I've gotten as far as accepting the fact that I am alcoholic, and that I am powerless, which is progress for sure... I am having a bit of a difficult time finding peace with all of the lies and smokescreens I've had to acknowledge tho; I perpetuated many of them for many years, and its been dizzying and disorienting to wade through them. It seems a bit like rolling back a boulder to reveal a teeming pit of snakes... In a fleeting moment of ultimate irony, I actually caught myself thinking that I probably deserved to have a drink because of how stressful it was to sort these things out. (I did not act upon that thought). I am feeling smothered under the weight of secrets & past lies right now, and was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to process/handle those? I am interested in AA and imagine it might be part of a solution to this, but, in further ironic fashion, I have felt too ashamed to walk through that door because of said secrets, lies, etc... They have to have heard worse, I'm sure (I hope), but the prospect of being honest, open & exposed in a group full of people is a completely foreign concept to me and terrifying to the point of inducing chills. I know I've just got to suck that up and take the plunge, but I'm still a novice at conjuring courage naturally.
Sorry for the rant, just a lot of mental chatter kicking around, and I think it helps a bit to post.
Sorry for the rant, just a lot of mental chatter kicking around, and I think it helps a bit to post.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 18
I am BRAND new to AA but I think it will save my life. I also think it can save yours too if you really want to stop drinking. Every alcoholic has secrets. I think in most cases we have created a life of lies to get to the point that we realize we need to quit, I know I have. Part of the healing process that will allow you to stay sober is to eventually face the fact that the past is just that and tomorrow is another day. I too am scared of what people will think of me when I fess up to all the things I have done, but I am also hopeful that it will allow me to start my new life of honesty and sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Noble, I am glad you are shared.
I too had spent years creating lies and quite honestly.....I was such a mess in the head that I didn't know what was up/down anymore. I really had beaten myself into the ground with my drinking and my life was out of control - to say the least.
Coming here and sharing was very important (still is as you can see) and I added face to face support that for me was the missing piece. I had quite a bit of anxiety and was very nervous about sharing my story. I found I didn't have to do that all at once. That over time I became more comfortable in talking about it and the longer I was sober and the more positive change I was making......brought back something I had long missed....my self-esteem. I began to see things in a positive light that had been blackened by the years of heavy drinking.
Keep sharing, take that plunge and get to a meeting and go for it. I know you can do it!!
I too had spent years creating lies and quite honestly.....I was such a mess in the head that I didn't know what was up/down anymore. I really had beaten myself into the ground with my drinking and my life was out of control - to say the least.
Coming here and sharing was very important (still is as you can see) and I added face to face support that for me was the missing piece. I had quite a bit of anxiety and was very nervous about sharing my story. I found I didn't have to do that all at once. That over time I became more comfortable in talking about it and the longer I was sober and the more positive change I was making......brought back something I had long missed....my self-esteem. I began to see things in a positive light that had been blackened by the years of heavy drinking.
Keep sharing, take that plunge and get to a meeting and go for it. I know you can do it!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
Hey NobleCause.
Really appreciate your post, and your honesty.
I think one of the biggest surprises I had when I quit drinking was how things actually seemed to get worse, instead of better. I had a lot of instances where I thought, "why bother? If this is what I have to look forward to, I might as well drink."
The reason for that, I came to understand, is that the substance I'd been using to treat my "ism"-- the underlying reasons I drank, the fundamental things that made me an alcoholic--was now gone. So I was plagued by misery, depression, fear, regret, anger and anxiety on a staggering level.
And memories of things I'd done? Hell, now I had to face those sober.
I learned, the hard way, that abstinence is not recovery. Not even close.
The good news is that there is a solution to dealing with those "secrets and past lies" that are tormenting you. This is exactly what the 12 steps of AA are designed to do.
When we say alcoholism is a disease, many people believe it's an excuse for our poor behavior. Not true at all. We call it a disease so we know we're dealing with an abnormal condition that's chronic and relapsing. It's serious stuff. But society will hold us responsible if our failure to treat it results in consequences.
So when you say you believe you're powerless, does that include an understanding that your lies and deceit were a product of that powerlessness? That you weren't just powerless over alcohol, but all the actions you took to hide and sustain your drinking? Again-- you are responsible for them, and you'll get an opportunity to make the proper amends-- but right now, we're trying to break the cycle of self-loathing and self-defeat. Can you give yourself a little bit of a break?
Now-- get to a meeting. You do not need to stand up in front of a room and tell your life story. You will be warmly greeted, and you can just listen. People will reach out to you. All you have to do is show up. Nothing more will be required.
But you have to show up. Then, the sky is the limit on the freedom you can find.
Really appreciate your post, and your honesty.
I think one of the biggest surprises I had when I quit drinking was how things actually seemed to get worse, instead of better. I had a lot of instances where I thought, "why bother? If this is what I have to look forward to, I might as well drink."
The reason for that, I came to understand, is that the substance I'd been using to treat my "ism"-- the underlying reasons I drank, the fundamental things that made me an alcoholic--was now gone. So I was plagued by misery, depression, fear, regret, anger and anxiety on a staggering level.
And memories of things I'd done? Hell, now I had to face those sober.
I learned, the hard way, that abstinence is not recovery. Not even close.
The good news is that there is a solution to dealing with those "secrets and past lies" that are tormenting you. This is exactly what the 12 steps of AA are designed to do.
When we say alcoholism is a disease, many people believe it's an excuse for our poor behavior. Not true at all. We call it a disease so we know we're dealing with an abnormal condition that's chronic and relapsing. It's serious stuff. But society will hold us responsible if our failure to treat it results in consequences.
So when you say you believe you're powerless, does that include an understanding that your lies and deceit were a product of that powerlessness? That you weren't just powerless over alcohol, but all the actions you took to hide and sustain your drinking? Again-- you are responsible for them, and you'll get an opportunity to make the proper amends-- but right now, we're trying to break the cycle of self-loathing and self-defeat. Can you give yourself a little bit of a break?
Now-- get to a meeting. You do not need to stand up in front of a room and tell your life story. You will be warmly greeted, and you can just listen. People will reach out to you. All you have to do is show up. Nothing more will be required.
But you have to show up. Then, the sky is the limit on the freedom you can find.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by FrothyJay 
So when you say you believe you're powerless, does that include an understanding that your lies and deceit were a product of that powerlessness? That you weren't just powerless over alcohol, but all the actions you took to hide and sustain your drinking? Again-- you are responsible for them, and you'll get an opportunity to make the proper amends-- but right now, we're trying to break the cycle of self-loathing and self-defeat. Can you give yourself a little bit of a break?
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
NobleCause, don't take this the wrong way, but we're not as special as we think we are. I can almost guarantee you there's nothing you can say at an AA meeting that hasn't been heard before. I remember one time bearing my soul to someone, telling them all the crazy and, what I thought, evil things I had done.
The response I received was along the lines of, "That's it?"
Trust me, there's lots of folks out there that have things in their past you couldn't even dream up on a full belly of sleep aids and Kung Pao Chicken (Chinese food makes me sleepy).
The response I received was along the lines of, "That's it?"
Trust me, there's lots of folks out there that have things in their past you couldn't even dream up on a full belly of sleep aids and Kung Pao Chicken (Chinese food makes me sleepy).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
Originally Posted by NobleCause
Thanks for this. I did a ton of serious, permanent damage when I was drinking. Not intentionally, but it did happen, and when it did, I was the driver (literally & figuratively). Add to that years and years of lies that attach to literally every facet of my life, every relationship I've had or have... It's a wonder I get out of bed in the morning, really. I do though, and to this point I've met it all each day with a heaviness & recognition that all of this is my cross to bear for the life I've lived. I don't mean to complain or whine about the deal I got in any of this. I just really feel like that weight needs to shift a bit now tho. It's sort of starting to crush me.
But first, you need to get clear on your resentments and your fears, and your role in them. Because they drive the alcoholic.
This is recovery.
You simply won't be able to continue hauling yourself out of bed without it, in my opinion.
Understand, I was the biggest skeptic about all this stuff, until I didn't have any choice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 91
Hi Noble,
I understand exactly what you mean about the secrets, I think we all do. I'm coming up 8 months sober now using SR and am feeling pretty good however about ten years ago I managed 2 years sobriety through AA (wasn't AA's fault I relapsed for ten years). Everything was going well until I got to step 5 and then I had to read out all my resentments to my sponsor (a moderately famous man).
It took about 5 sessions of perhaps 1 hour each to read them all out but because I was so worried about the gravity of about ten of them I left them right to the end. All through the sessions my sponsor would just sit back in a comfortable chair for the hour with his eyes closed and listen. I would watch his face intently looking for signs of disgust or repulsion but intermittently he would just nod or smile.
Then I arrived at the ten resentments and quietly warned him that the shocking stuff was about to be revealed. Still there was nothing, just a nod here and there so I read out the final resentment, the big one and waited. There was silence for a minute and then he said “that is how I got into television!” He went on to explain that whatever I had done someone had done it before me.
So Noble, although I know it is difficult now I would not worry too much about these things. When the time is right for you to do your step 5 with your sponsor I’m sure you will be fine as he/she will have the experience to put you at ease.
I understand exactly what you mean about the secrets, I think we all do. I'm coming up 8 months sober now using SR and am feeling pretty good however about ten years ago I managed 2 years sobriety through AA (wasn't AA's fault I relapsed for ten years). Everything was going well until I got to step 5 and then I had to read out all my resentments to my sponsor (a moderately famous man).
It took about 5 sessions of perhaps 1 hour each to read them all out but because I was so worried about the gravity of about ten of them I left them right to the end. All through the sessions my sponsor would just sit back in a comfortable chair for the hour with his eyes closed and listen. I would watch his face intently looking for signs of disgust or repulsion but intermittently he would just nod or smile.
Then I arrived at the ten resentments and quietly warned him that the shocking stuff was about to be revealed. Still there was nothing, just a nod here and there so I read out the final resentment, the big one and waited. There was silence for a minute and then he said “that is how I got into television!” He went on to explain that whatever I had done someone had done it before me.
So Noble, although I know it is difficult now I would not worry too much about these things. When the time is right for you to do your step 5 with your sponsor I’m sure you will be fine as he/she will have the experience to put you at ease.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,774
I drank at home by myself so no one but my kids knew, and they hated me for it.
I became a liar cause I"d lie to hide my drinking from them but they knew anyway. The only thing I could do to rectify my lying was to stop drinking and stop lying and live a 'normal' healthy life, which I now do.
My kids have forgiven me and I've forgiven myself. It's in the past now and I'll just let it stay there.
I became a liar cause I"d lie to hide my drinking from them but they knew anyway. The only thing I could do to rectify my lying was to stop drinking and stop lying and live a 'normal' healthy life, which I now do. My kids have forgiven me and I've forgiven myself. It's in the past now and I'll just let it stay there. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
Oh, do I ever know about shame and not wanting to go to that first meeting... it was all I could do. Actually, I had a friend call a friend and she went with me.
If you find you cannot take yourself, you can call the A.A. hotline and they will find someone to come and talk to you in your home (or wherever) if you wish. Trust me, someone will come. They'll go with you to your first meeting. And one day, if you stick with it, you will do the same for someone else. No one, and I mean no one but a fellow alcoholic knows better how you are feeling.
As I've done my own steps, I've had a very difficult time with confronting myself... but then again, I'm able to look at what I've uncovered about myself and say, "well, sheet, no wonder..." I drop my baggage a step at a time. I have a ways to go, but I can tell you, I feel lighter than when I first went in.
Don't wait another day. Make the call, or just go. You can do it.
If you find you cannot take yourself, you can call the A.A. hotline and they will find someone to come and talk to you in your home (or wherever) if you wish. Trust me, someone will come. They'll go with you to your first meeting. And one day, if you stick with it, you will do the same for someone else. No one, and I mean no one but a fellow alcoholic knows better how you are feeling.
As I've done my own steps, I've had a very difficult time with confronting myself... but then again, I'm able to look at what I've uncovered about myself and say, "well, sheet, no wonder..." I drop my baggage a step at a time. I have a ways to go, but I can tell you, I feel lighter than when I first went in.
Don't wait another day. Make the call, or just go. You can do it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Noble,
Just to reiterate what Jay said, AA meetings are not the place where you gotta stand up and fess up to all your icky secrets.
When you do your fourth step, you will write down the icky stuff. When you do your fifth step, you will admit the icky stuff to yourself, to God, and to ONE OTHER HUMAN BEING. That's it. It could be your sponsor, but it could also be a clergy person or anyone else that you trust.
That's it. Chances are, you will feel more comfortable, eventually, with mentioning in a meeting, when it's appropriate, a few things you might have done that you were ashamed of. For example, at speaker's meetings, the speaker will often share at least a couple of things to show the newcomer that even after having a less than stellar past while drinking, it is now possible, in recovery, to have freedom from the burden of those things. But there's never any requirement that you stand up in front of a group of people and spill your guts.
Just thought that might bear emphasis.
The fourth and fifth steps, as well as the eighth and ninth steps, help to get rid of the burden you are carrying.
Just to reiterate what Jay said, AA meetings are not the place where you gotta stand up and fess up to all your icky secrets.
When you do your fourth step, you will write down the icky stuff. When you do your fifth step, you will admit the icky stuff to yourself, to God, and to ONE OTHER HUMAN BEING. That's it. It could be your sponsor, but it could also be a clergy person or anyone else that you trust.
That's it. Chances are, you will feel more comfortable, eventually, with mentioning in a meeting, when it's appropriate, a few things you might have done that you were ashamed of. For example, at speaker's meetings, the speaker will often share at least a couple of things to show the newcomer that even after having a less than stellar past while drinking, it is now possible, in recovery, to have freedom from the burden of those things. But there's never any requirement that you stand up in front of a group of people and spill your guts.
Just thought that might bear emphasis.
The fourth and fifth steps, as well as the eighth and ninth steps, help to get rid of the burden you are carrying.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
NobleCause,
I do understand that the weight of the secrets and the shame can crush us, I really do. I lived many, many years in the dark, telling lies and losing myself. Now, as my avatar says, I am dancing in the light.
Know that you are right where you should be in your life. Instead of looking at your past as a cross to bear, try to see it as purposeful learning experience. You can begin to recover and become the person you want to be.
I do understand that the weight of the secrets and the shame can crush us, I really do. I lived many, many years in the dark, telling lies and losing myself. Now, as my avatar says, I am dancing in the light.
Know that you are right where you should be in your life. Instead of looking at your past as a cross to bear, try to see it as purposeful learning experience. You can begin to recover and become the person you want to be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,486
FrothJay said This is why we get a sponsor in a 12 step program....some things we share with the group and somethings we share with our sponsor.
Just go and start listening.
The 12 steps are a process to deal with exactly what you are describing. Remember there are 12 and not just 1, 2 or 3....it is a process that has worked in the lives of many!!
Peace,
Missy
You do not need to stand up in front of a room and tell your life story.
Just go and start listening.
The 12 steps are a process to deal with exactly what you are describing. Remember there are 12 and not just 1, 2 or 3....it is a process that has worked in the lives of many!!
Peace,
Missy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
I want to add that I walked into my first meeting last week. I have trouble with the concept of God in a big way. The second I walked into this particular Women's group, I felt God in that room. I totally felt at home and safe. I was lucky that my first meeting ended up being a great one.
I don't talk much yet. I cry a lot though. I'm just listening and absorbing it all. I hope you go and go again. My bet is that it will give you a little bit of peace. It already has for me.
I don't talk much yet. I cry a lot though. I'm just listening and absorbing it all. I hope you go and go again. My bet is that it will give you a little bit of peace. It already has for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Thank you for the responses - uncanny how both times I posted here I've garnered enough wisdom from the comments that followed to unstick my mind, even if only temporarily, from its well trodden path of ruminating ad infinitum... Good on all of you guys.
I will go to a meeting this weekend.
I will go to a meeting this weekend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by Inafishbowl
I want to add that I walked into my first meeting last week. I have trouble with the concept of God in a big way. The second I walked into this particular Women's group, I felt God in that room. I totally felt at home and safe. I was lucky that my first meeting ended up being a great one.
I don't talk much yet. I cry a lot though. I'm just listening and absorbing it all. I hope you go and go again. My bet is that it will give you a little bit of peace. It already has for me.
I don't talk much yet. I cry a lot though. I'm just listening and absorbing it all. I hope you go and go again. My bet is that it will give you a little bit of peace. It already has for me.
The God aspect poses a bit of a challenge to me as well and I'll have to figure that out as I go along.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Noble, I don't attend meetings at the moment but used to be a regular (!). I will tell you that what I found is that the meetings are super casual and the people are a lot like the people here (only they have bodies and faces). I felt at home right away......
I remember one day while going to a Sunday morning meeting..... I thought to myself "this is way church should be(!)...... people being honest about what's bugging them, and everybody trying to help each other."
Proud of you for giving it a try!
I remember one day while going to a Sunday morning meeting..... I thought to myself "this is way church should be(!)...... people being honest about what's bugging them, and everybody trying to help each other."
Proud of you for giving it a try!
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