stella27

so I have had a few dates with a really nice guy. He lives in another town about an hour's drive from here. When I am with him, he is just wonderful.

When I am away from him, I have crazy swings of insecurity. I can become convinced that he doesn't really like me by the simple fact that he isn't at my side telling me that he does or calling me constantly.

Is this possibly related to living someone who loved me conditionally?
An A with mood swings?
Someone who often decided without provocation that he couldn't stand me?

Is this a common codie problem or am I just generally insecure?

johndelko408

I'm not sure how to answer this. I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict so I personally know that I already have insecurities. After all I was drinking and using to escape many of my insecurities, low self esteem/confidence. I know that I'm a cody too, I've gone to CODA meetings before as a suggestion from my AA sponsor so I know that, that can be the reason why I personally have security issues. As a guy though I would have to say that he is interested in you. You say that he lives about an hour away and that you have gone on a few dates already. In my opinion as a guy, there would never have been a second date if he were not interested in you. I don't know your story or situation if you will. I don't know if your in recovery for addictions or just a cody so its hard for me to give you an opinion. I've read some of your posts and threads before and you sound like a nice girl. I wouldn't get to worked up about it, I know its hard for us codies to not get worked up about things. Most of us have past with a lot of pot holes in the road. But like I said from a guys point of view it does sound like he is interested in you. Even if things dont work out between you and him don't worry about it though, like I said you seem like a nice girl. If this guy ends up not being the right guy for whatever reason, the right one will come along.

brokenheartfool

I've been seeing someone new, just 4 dates or so, and I know what you mean. But remember this--he could have been one of those guys that was calling you everyday wanting to talk for hours, wanting to know where you were, what you did, who you were with, and what you were thinking every minute of everyday.
Oh, and I left out texting you all day long, then calling you up if you didn't text right back quickly. Now I bet you really wouldn't like being smothered, and I bet you didn't gain your independence just to have someone hanging on you and breathing down your neck.
Enjoy your freedom while dating the new guy simultaneously.
Not joined at the hip, controlling, demanding, or any other obnoxious needy trait that a grown woman certainly doesn't want to be smothered by.

You don't want someone overly needy, do you?
You don't want to be someone overly needy, do you?
There's no rush for anything...
You're doing just fine!

FindingPeace1

A few months ago I posted a story about a friend. I was all worked up about it. Someone, i don't remember who, responded, "Sounds like alot of drama. I don't like all that drama."
In that moment, I realized nothing dramatic was happening; I was creating the drama in my head.
Practice catching yourself tripping out over things and just smile at yourself. "Oh, look. There I go getting dramatic again."
Then you can put the drama down and be at peace. Wait and see and if he is a good partner, if he likes you, if you like him, if you can make it work - it will all reveal itself.

Breathe.

Nothing bad is happening.

Hugs to you! peace

stella27

I know I'm ridiculous about this.
I do think he likes me and I like him.

Where did I get so drama-addicted? Was it from living with someone who really didn't love me? Or is that why I chose that A in the first place?

tallulah

Having been with someone who was indifferent and whose love came with conditions, whose love could be taken away as easily as it is given, it is pretty normal (IMO) to be questioning.

The insecurity/lack of self esteem level is pretty high when you come out of that. It's hard to counter all that time on the see-saw with negative 'programming'. It can be done.. but it starts with you. You have to see yourself as worthy and loveable before you can believe anyone else will.

You need a 'tape' in your head.. ready to play and with positive affirmations about your worth when that negativity kicks in.

It sounds like early(ish) days in your dating, but as someone said, if he didn't like you there wouldn't have been a second one

Tx

FindingPeace1

Ahh, yes. After the drama comes the self judgement. I know that well, too. That's the ego keeping the whole thing unexamined.
No worries. Don't judge yourself for being dramatic.
You are a wounded soul (as is everyone).
It's fine.
As a friend (who is an integrated, once multiple personality, unbelievably!) said, "It's not about being perfect. It's about cutting down the time of unhealthy behaviors. I look at it is having a goal of rapid recovery time."

For me, I do my best to catch myself spinning.
Then I give myself lots of permission and love.
I do a bunch of breathing and smiling.

You're great.
peace

wicked

alright then, tell me i am fine.
lol
i have not heard in two days.
he has called everyday, but has been rushed and a little harried.
so in my addled ACA mind this is abandonment all over again.
someone please talk sense to me.

we have been talking for a year and a half.
he is in cdl school right now to start a new career trucking.
apparently it is much harder than he thought, and he worries.
we have already talked about tough stuff (my recovery and his exes and what we both want out of life)
so, tell me again, it is my addiction to drama wanting to make this abandonment.
it makes sense when i read for everyone but me.
(oh, and i have absolutely no idea what "normal" is, i am guessing here)

beth

lillamy

I don't know. I'd say it's your insecurity talking more than the drama, Beth. I have the same thing going on.

I've learned, in my new relationship, to ask for what I need. He knows everything about me, and knows that right now, I need that text in the morning saying goodmorning; I need our goodnight conversation, even if it's just "goodnight" -- and he keeps telling me I can call him any time. He texts me to find out if it's OK to call -- because he knows my kids are my priority, and if I'm busy with them, I won't talk to him -- and we've worked out a way of staying in touch that isn't overbearing or stressful for either of us.

It was hard to ask for what I needed, but someone (here?) told me that "you know, even if they're not alcoholics, most men sort of lack a bit in the mind reading department... " Maybe it's easier for us because we've known each other for longer than some of you guys have been alive, but I just knew after RAXH that I didn't want a relationship if it included playing games and trying to be something other than what I am. I'm a needy little 13itch right now, and he's OK with that.

wicked

I think that is it with me too. Needy.
Thing is, I dont think he has a problem with it, I do.
I have a problem being needy.
A huge problem.
Admit it? I thought I did.
But, I can be obtuse when it comes to this needy thing.
Yes, a good night would work for me.

so, now what?
call?

stella27

thank you all for letting me not be alone with my insecurities.

Like Beth said, I can tell HER that he is busy and that it isn't a reflection on his feelings for her AT ALL. I can't do that for me and need someone to help me level out and relax.

I am just really surprised that I could fall for someone when my last dating experience was 20 years ago and led straight into a long, difficult marriage with an Alcoholic.

For over a year I have been "not ready, not ready, not ready" and now I am on "all systems go" and it scares me and is causing me to be a little off-kilter.

Thanks for the reality checks, f&f. Lillamy, he sounds like a great guy. I hardly knew they existed.

wicked

.

Yes, this makes sense.
I even joked last week about it being like basic training.
It is so nice to get a level headed view.
Thank you.

tallulah

I've done the same as lillamy, told this guy everything. Been honest about any triggers and stuff that will send me scurrying. Before him, I dated, but no-one I was in any way serious about (I know this because (i) I didn't share with them, and (ii) I wasn't that triggered or bothered :-/). He's different.

He understands. We talk. We tell each other how we feel and why. We understand.

I think it's when we say 'I'm ok' and we are not does it get more dramatic than it needs be.

Tx

brokenheartfool

Wicked--he still spoke to you those two days right? Not like he was awol on the relationship.

Gals,
I'm doing the same thing to some extent.
We don't talk everyday, and that's fine with me. We do email everyday.
Yesterday though, he took the day off, and didn't tell me until the evening via email. My mind starts thinking--now why didn't he email earlier or even call, since he was all alone?
Then I start to think--what was he doing with his day?
Now there's where my head gets all twisted. Exah usually indulged in his addictions on a day alone.
I started getting suspicious last night.
Woah.
Time to back away from those thoughts and get a grip.
Doesn't help that the new guy is a recovering A of 7+ years, but still.
I don't OWN HIM.

wicked

No, see, that is the problem.
He is in TN doing his CDL training. I have not heard anything since Sunday night.
and this simple anxiety will build up to:
he has decided to stop talking to me....
why? cause he hates me now?
why? cause i said something foolish or stupid or he didnt like
what was it i said? lotsa time to go over and over every inane thing.
(and i have excellent recall, the problem is when I shade it dirty on my side)
if there were a problem, why not call and say so?
thought we discussed this at length, without knowledge, there is no answer.
if talking to me right now is distracting or disturbing or whatever, at least tell me something.
i have told him how i agonize over no contact. absolutely agonize.
he is the only man (besides this board of course) that i have told about my abandonment issues.
when i dont know what is happening, i fear the worse.
wow, i guess i am still a mess.
the only way to get an answer is to call tonight and find out what is going on.

geez, should it be this hard?

stella27

no, it shouldn't be this hard. I have the abandonment issues too.

Just call him tonight and try to be casual: "hey. how is the school? you must be so busy with classes, schedule, training, etc..."

If there were "issues", you would know about them. He hasn't dated you 18 months to just drop you like a hot potato. I bet we drive men crazy when we are so insecure and needy.

wicked

Thank you stella.
LOL
Now, when I think about it, I told him about working on feeling abandoned and he said something like "well, i would never go on a binge".
to him, it is that simple. not all this sturm and drang.


And, i make an effort to look and appear strong, this was a first for me admitting what i think is a weakness (worry over someone i care about) but normies might consider this a regular thing.

brokenheartfool

Yes, normies like to hear from their guy everyday too.

I'm still waiting too. waaaaaaaaaaaa

Summerpeach

My last 3 ex cheated and added to my mistrust of the world, yet oddly, when I meet new men, I don't feel insecure.
The past relationships made me insecure, it's not who I am by nature so once I am out of the madness, I seem to be ok!

I met a few men in the last few months, dated some, and one guy would txt me 100 times a day, It was so overboard, I had to cut him off.
Another guy thought he was God's gift to women (and let me tell you, he was SMOKIN), and he played head games. Would not call, or call, then txt or not txt. It didn't make me insecure at all, it made me see he was and I ran the other way fastttttttttttttt!

Tough to date and tougher to find a decent person.

stella27

I think this one that I am seeing is HIGHLY DECENT. I could be wrong. I was wrong in my marriage. But this guy is sweet, concerned with my feelings, wants to make sure that I am comfortable and that nothing is moving too fast for me. He is complimentary of me, smart, and gets my somewhat offbeat humor.