johndelko408

This post is geared toward the women out there. Let me start out by saying that I'm a little but on the fence about the subject I'm looking for opinions on. I recently went through a divorce that lasted about 2 years. So I've been seperated from my ex for about 2 years. I sort of want to vet out there and start dating again, but like I said I am sort of on the fence about it. I've been in recovery for 13 months now so I feel that my spiritual foundation is strong enough that should things in a relationship not work out, I'm not going to go out and drink over it. My whole concern is my whole life situation right now. I sort of feel that women would be I guess turned off by my current situation. I'm 29yo, unemployed and I don't have a license so I cant drive. To tell you the truth I don't even have a car anymore so even if I did have a license its not as if I'd ve doing much driving anyways. I've always been somewhat insecure with myself but my current life situation has just made it worse you could say. I just don't feel that women my age would find me desirable because of my whole situation. I know that I am somewhat attractive, but the whole idea of being unemployed and no licence or car has me feeling that women would not be interested in me. My ex is the one who ended it between her and I due to the things I was doing when I was drinking and using. So I understand that our separation was my fault but it just has me feeling rejected I guess you could say. Sometimes I look at ny situation as maybe a sign from God that I'm infact not ready to be out there dating and that I should just continue to grow and work on myself. I'd really appreciate hearing some of your opinions ladies, and please be honest and strait forward. I know it sounds nice to say that you look beyond those sort of things but if you do find my current situation as a turnoff please say so. By no means am I trying to use SR as a dating sight, I'm honestly just seeking your opinion. Thanks for reading.

LexieCat

Personally, I am on hiatus from dating right now because I don't feel I'm great relationship material right now. I have the car, and the job--unfortunately, I also come with baggage. Not baggage I intend to carry the rest of my life, but baggage nonetheless.

I'm sure you're feeling lonely, but to be perfectly honest, most women do not want to put themselves in a position where they are likely to be providing wheels and financial support (not saying you'd be looking for that, but I think most would worry that's what they would wind up doing).

I think the idea of continuing to grow and to work on yourself is an excellent one. That's pretty much what I'm doing. Get yourself some kind of work so you won't be viewed as a liability. There are plenty of non-materialistic women out there who won't be put off by a modest income, but as someone who's wound up being essentially the sole breadwinner in two relationships, I wouldn't wanna go there again. It only breeds resentment.

artsoul

I ditto what LexieCat said....... and you'll feel better about yourself, too, if you're in a better position and more self-sufficient.

Impurrfect

(((John))) - Although I do have the car and the license, I feel like "damaged goods" sometimes, because of my past. I also have a history of being with only A's, so have taken time to learn more about myself.

Yeah, the no car/driver's license may be a factor. Most of the people I work with don't have cars or licenses. Yes, some of them are young, but some are not. A lot of people are in the same position because of finances.

I've decided that before I date anyone, I want to be friends first. I don't trust myself (my man-picker has NOT been good) and I think that may be an option. Just getting out there and meeting people is hard for me, but I'm lucky that my jobs require it. Any chance you can find some volunteer work (a lot of it goes a long way toward getting a job and looks good on a resume). I think it would give you a boost to your self esteem, and that's something we both could use.

A lot of people are out of work, been through divorces, etc. Try not to let the "addiction" part overrule your brain. I know I do, at times, but then I run into a homeless person who was "downsized" and has a great attitude, even though they're sleeping under the bridge.

From what I know, you're a great guy. You seem founded in your recovery, and you're not going to know if you're ready until you get out there. For me, that's the hardest part.

I don't know if this helps at all. Our circumstances are different, but you seem like a great guy, to me, and I think you just need to get to the point you believe it, yourself. Yes, we messed up, but that's not who we are. Some people are going to be turned off by the "addiction thing" but that's just a fact of life we have to face. I've found several people, though, who tell me how much they admire you, and I believe you will too.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

nandm

Honestly, I would consider dating someone in your situation but I would also have to have had the opportunity to get to know them first. Relationships are hard especially in early recovery, post divorce, and with children let alone no job or no car. I would suggest working on friendships right now and see where those might lead. Once someone has had the opportunity to know you as a friend then they are less likely to be concerned right off the bat with your situation. Friendships can not take the place of a romantic relationship but they can fill some of the void until the right person comes along.

After many years of seeking the right person only to end up with the wrong ones I finally met the right one. But I had given up looking for any romantic relationship and had resigned myself to just working on myself and on my friendship skills. That is when they fell in my lap. I think the fact we developed a friendship first has carried us through some tough times. One of those has been my unemployment for nearly 5 years now due to mental health issues which in themselves have been stressors in the relationship. But I trust and know that our relationship is based on more than material things so I do not worry but just continue to do what I can do to improve myself and situation.

I guess what I am trying to say is hang in there. Relationships are hard. Try working on you and working on friendships and then you will be more likely to find that right person. I do hope you find what you are looking for. Hang in there it sounds like you have a good heart. That will carry you a long way.

LexieCat

I think the volunteer work is a great idea.

milwaukeeguy85

I am not a woman but one thing I learned as that when you take care of your personal life regarding work and finances, you will restore your confidence and find it much easier to date.

I was unemployed for about 1.5 years, and dated a woman that was cool about my situation at first but eventually she started to resent me.

We broke up in July (Right when I got my new job) and she was the only girlfriend I had during the time I was unemployed.

A few months after I started working (and cut out the drinking) I found that meeting women was much easier.

AS they say:
Success breeds confidence, and confidence breeds success.

I would recommend taking advantage of your recovery and new outlook to solidify your life. You will find a much more stable woman, and will be in a position to have a healthier equal relationship.

julez

Hi John,
I can agree that the financial, and transportation issues may be a problem, but I think there is someone out there for everybody, and you never know where you will find that person!
I know this is kind of a stigma, but what about match.com, or eHarmony? I have a few friends that found love through them. Maybe even google something about singles in recovery or something.
Until you find that special someone, keep working on yourself, your recovery, and your spirituality. Pray to God (or your HP) and tell Him that you feel ready for a relationship. Hang in there, she's out there somewhere!

AmericanGirl

Hi John! I think that when you feel secure in yourself, regardless of whether that involves a job or car, you are ready to start dating.

I don't know where you live, or how much public transportation there is, and I don't know your exact financial situation, but my honest opinion is that I don't think these things make you undateable at all. There may be another wonderful person like yourself out there. We all struggle, and we all have things we're working on. I don't see why you should deny yourself what can be so stabilizing and fulfilling just because of a material thing (the car) and a situational thing (the umemployment). So, I guess I weigh in on the side of "go for it when you're ready." It sounds like you're still healing from your divorce, so give yourself time and treat yourself patiently.

MsCooterBrown

I have to say..Julez said what I was thinking on my way scrolling down. I think once you are secure and happy with yourself you will meet someone. Long as you put yourself out there. Could be volunteer work..or some type of singles outings. I bet if you google you can find some groups in your area. Just another way to meet people. I do hope the employment situation changes for you.

Veritas1

Is it possible to love and be loved with no job, car or license? Yes.

Will it be perhaps difficult to find someone that those things don't matter to? Maybe.

You know that tradition about Each group will be fully self supporting in AA?

A member told me that applies to us as individuals. Getting a job may be difficult for whatever reason right now, but it would make you self supporting, and that is good for you...it was explained to me.

Anyway...I am sure many people in this economy may not have a car, or a job. I don't think that should stop anyone from being loved.

So, it's Valentine's Day coming up...who knows...cupid may strike!

Here's wishing all the love and happiness to you, if you feel that is what you are yearning for.



Oh one more thing...about the insecurity...

I heard today in an AA meeting about having pride. It's not always a bad thing. Someone said it's good to have pride, and be proud of staying sober.

This should help your insecurity. Be proud of how far you have come. You are not your past.

I wouldn't volunteer all of the post you shared on the first date! LOL!

Take it easy.

NobleCause

I'm a divorced woman, very well employed but with a boat load of baggage, so currently taking a hiatus from the dating life (feel sort of like a dented can at the moment, but hope to make it back up to the top shelf eventually)... When the end of my marriage was finalized, I dated with a vengeance, and aside from "breaking the seal" and familiarizing the feeling of a person not my ex-husband beside me, I can't say it was very successful. Without question, the fact that I was still drinking then had a whole lot to do with that. But I also think I was desperately looking to escape the loneliness at all cost, rather than truly looking to build something meaningful with a friend & partner, and with that driving my efforts, things always seemed a little contrived and unnatural and generally ended up with me walking away feeling mysteriously unfulfilled.

Not saying you are necessarily acting on the same impulse - you seem far more grounded in a lot of ways than I was/am... But it also might be more important right now to focus on improving the things you perceive as liabilities and accept that it might be a little lonely for a bit. By the time you work these out, you'll be in a better place to contribute to a relationship, and likely also a stronger individual. I also second nearly all of what LexieCat suggested above...

Danae

I agree with whoever suggested volunteering. It might be a good way to meet an entire group of people--some you'll like, some maybe not so much. If there are any women who you might be interested in you would get a chance to know them with no dating pressure, and you could develop a friendship first.

Just a thought. Once you know someone issues such as employment may not be such a dealbreaker.

Good luck, and hang in there.

D

whiskerkissed

I've had to take a bit of a look at myself lately on the relationship thing. I got divorced in late 2009 from a 25 yr marriage...very dysfunctional. So until now - I've been trying to work on myself - especially since I relapsed.

I need to work on my own insecurities and fears before I can bring something positive and healthy into an involved relationship. The cool thing about the fellowship is that I get to practice on Y'ALL on how to be a better person. Build the self-esteem, self-worth self-image and self-respect. My sponsor has given me affirmation homework to do everyday. My mirror is lined with 10 affirmations I can almost believe and find just a hint of truth in. I have 5 more where I feel NOWHERE NEAR being true, but they're ones I am supposed to hope to get to one day.

I moved in Oct. 2010 to a place where I haven't met many men that have my same interests that are single - or in recovery. I have my own ride. I still lean towards the bikers. Can't help it! That rough look makes me drool.... I am taking it as something being removed so I can concentrate on me.

I think the volunteering thing is a fantastic idea!! One of my problems - too much time on my hands. My sponsor wants me volunteering somewhere, too. Get me out of my head. Give me motivation. Work on feeling useful.

As for your question would I date someone in your situation. Probably not. But I might...no...never mind! THAT thought isn't very spiritual!!

justsotired

Honestly, i couldn't answer yes or no based on the fact if you are unemployed and and without a car... those are details. If you really click, and like someone, believe in them and see that they are trying, it shouldn't be a deal breaker. Might make things tougher though.
But, the one thing that I felt reading your post, you don't seem okay with those facts, as if you are afraid they define you. I always heard, you need to be happy with yourself to be happy in a relationship. So, you should take time to inventory the things about yourself that you are proud of, and keep actively trying to improve your situtation, because you deserve a job, and car, and sense of self-worth--all those things. Besides, confidence and sorbiety are huge turns so I'm sure it won't take too long to find someone when you are ready

johndelko408

I really appreciate the feedback I've gotten. My main motivation to get back out there is the loneliness. But I know in my heart that though a romantic relationship may solve that for a while, once the whole honeymoon period or newness of the relationship wears off I'll be right back at where I started; trying to fill that void in my life. I also truly know that I shouldn't be out there dating until I'm comfortable with myself. Until I can learn to completely love myself I won't be able to completely love anyone else. I guess what I really should be doing is just continue working my program and on myself. Until I get to that place where I feel I should be in life I probably shouldn't dabbled into a relationship. I hurt my ex wife dearly with the things I did during my drinking and I couldn't bare to do that to another woman. I've come quite a way in my recovery and I honestly feel that I am a better man than I was before. It's funny how a lot of you mentioned to start volunteering. I happen to be working on 135 volunteer hours for the court system currently. As I am unemployed I can't afford to pay my fines and as opposed to getting a warrant for being delinquent on my payments, I took the initiative to go before the judge to tell her my financial situation and worked out a deal with her to work off the money I owe. I received a lot of help from my sponsor and people I've befriended in AA in the form of letters to the judge. They knew I was going before the judge and found it in their hearts to take the time to write her letters explaining my progress in the program and that it would not be a just decision to incarcerate me. The miracles of this program and God never cease to amaze me. I have been down on myself lately and may have what is termed as clinical depression. Tomorrow I have an appointment for an evaluation with a therapist. I want to see if that may be the case and seek professional help to help me get to the root of my current troubles. As far as seeking out a relationship, I think that's on hold for now. I need to truly just focus on working on myself and get my own affairs in order before I can once again be apart of a woman's life. To get into a relationship with the baggage I currently carry would not be fair to the other party. Like I mentioned, I've caused enough wreckage in my past and I don't want to cause anymore in my future. I sincerely appreciate all your feedback and want to thank you all in being so nice as to give me your honest opinions. We don't get any help unless we reach out and ask for it and that is what I was doing when asking you all to chime in. Again, thank you all.

LexieCat

John, I think one of these days there will be a LOT of women looking for someone JUST LIKE YOU.

Hugs, keep on keepin' on, man. When the time is right, great things will happen.

Eddiebuckle

John, they say that sobriety requires honesty, openess & willingness. the hardest thing (for me anyway) was to have HO&W as it relates to me and where I am at in my r4ecovery. It seems like you're doing that. It gets better, it just takes time and effort. The good news is that the relationships that you build in the process (friends at first, soulmate someday) will be authentic and stronger than what seemed "awesome" back in the day.

Good luck.

helpmybabygirl

well maybe your not offering a lot right now so dont go for the gold, how about just making friends while you get well.....and from there I think each growing step youll gain your self confidence and it will all come together. Im a prime example. good luck