Redheadsusie

it can't be good for me. AH is gone- moved out 2 months ago - Since then he has been nice- been mean- attacked me verbally- told me he loved me - told me I was a ****- told me he missed me- told me he needed a hug- asked me to lunch- asked to come home - called me a B- called my son a punk- told me it was all my fault- told me I let myself go and that is why he drank - told me I deserve being alone - told me he wished me peace...........God I feel absolutely freaking nuts~~~ Truly! He is still involved with my business a small amount so I have told him to text me only - he of course calls. He is still not working - living with his folks - says I have ruined his life and he can't live anywhere. WELL GET A FREAKING JOB! He told our friends Sunday he wants to be with me - but tells them I am horrible to him - tells me I am the root of all of his problems- I am ungrateful- I am heartless. I CAN"T TAKE IT! How do I get this hate and anger out of my heart. I keep praying for peace - I just need to keep praying. God give me strength~

nodaybut2day

Why do you need to keep taking his calls? If it is for business purposes I understand, but you can still enforce boundaries during those conversations. If at ANY TIME he goes off topic to rant/rave/b*tch/beg, you calmly tell him that you will not discuss anything that doesn't pertain directly to the business or to your child. Then you hang up.

End of drama.

Really, all communication can occur through email, which can be read to you by a generous friend who can edit out all the useless b.s. he spews. I have had a friend read XAH's text messages and emails for me, and just give me the basics. I store the message in a folder named MORON for future use, and never read them.

IMO, it sounds like you really need to distance yourself from this person's toxicity by cutting communication to its barest minimum. Heck, when you have to email, use as few words as possible.

And then, consider enrolling in a kickboxing class and working out your well justified anger on a punching bag (with his picture taped to it).

barb dwyer

For a very long time I had the cleanest house in the county.

I clean to process.

I also learned to chop wood.
I cleaned horse stalls, too.

For me -
deferring the anger to something physical
that's also CREATIVE and not destructive
was the key for me.

I also got very good
at the 'one chop' splitting method.

I'd get home edxausted
filthy, sweaty, somtimes a bit gamey from the horses

and I'd tell myself while showering -

"RID with the hate - IN with the love"

I know that may not be applicable for you right this second...
but the displacing is a good technique.

barb dwyer

sorry - computer had a hiccup and that posted twice. *echo* lol

justjo

I remember the same type of telephone calls and I would get so frustrated all the time.
The only way to get some kind of sanity is to distance yourself from him. I had to say the minute the conversation started getting 'nasty' was "Im not talking to you while you are drunk" and hang up, turn my phone off.

I guess I listened to the madness for so long, that I thought I was going mad. It was the advice given to me here, that helped me see I could start looking after me more and stop worrying about 'what was said to me'.

I wish you the best, it takes alot of tough love to say no, but seriously it will help you get through the days in the end.

JJ

brokenheartfool

Detach him from the business ASAP if possible?

I too received an intimidating manipulative phone call ALL ABOUT HIM. I finally said I was tired and going to bed and had to cut it short. Oh I know he didn't like that. He likes me on his puppet string. But...if you receive zero good feelings from talking to somebody, why keep talking to them? Find your serenity. Do what you have to do to get it.
He can do everything in his power to try to make me miserable, but bottom line is, he has no power over me anymore. We're divorced.

Thumper

For me the anger and hate left when I found acceptance for the situation. I accepted that he would always blame me, that he would say crazy/mean/manipulative stuff all the time, that he was an alcoholic and he wasn't going to change. I understood that he was an alcoholic, and that this was not a reflection of me. I did not have to cure him - and I did not have to set him straight either. I do not care what he thinks and if his perception is that I am 'x y or z' - then I guess it just is. I was free and it no longer mattered. He could say whatever he wanted and it did not touch me. My life could/would go on as if he never spoke at all. The anger dissolved just like that.

That is not to say that sometimes the things he said did not have an impact on me but it was different. Sometimes they made me sad, or anxious, or ticked off (but not that huge anger), or whatever - I often posted here about them. The difference is that when that happened I could look inward, at myself, to help myself figure out how to process it (or asked SR to help me). Then it was over. I didn't carry it around in my heart like before. It is hard for me to explain.

ETA - Also - I didn't talk to him on the phone. I especially could not have done that at 2 months out. We corresponded by email and the few times we did see each other face to face I refused to engage in any kind of conversation that wasn't business focused or kid focused. Which meant I ignored his jabs/barbs - but reminded myself that I WAS FREE.

blwninthewind

BINGO!
If you had seen me a week ago...you wouldnt have believed it.

Really!

I sit here calm and not bouncing around the house like a nutball, or crying because I feel bad and my feeliing are hurt.

I honestly believe it's because every time I felt bad. Every single time...I prayed. I prayed for me and I prayed for him.
I prayed that God give me the courage to deal with this. I prayed for anger management.
and it worked.

brokenheartfool

I almost forgot the horrible all-consuming daily anger I had the entire time I lived with exah until Thumper brought it up.
I needed more than trying to emotionally detach. I needed space apart from speaking to or seeing him, otherwise, I could make no progress in finding my serenity and finding ME.

Redheadsusie

Thank you ladies! I am going to give it my best shot - I am worth it - my sons tell me all the time~ I am so blessed~ 3 steps forward - 1 step back..........Making progress~ Life is good!