bobbieb

New here and not so sure where to post my question. I really need advice from recovering addicts and normies. My husband has been clean for along time we have been together for over 10 years. We have a great relationship but I need to understand why he cheated and if it's a part of his disease. He wasn't working steps but was actively going to meetings. Is there a connection between addiction and infediality?

ImReadyToQuit

I'd say the connection is deception in one way or another.. I'm recovering, and was an active alcoholic through most of my marriage, yet never thought of cheating or pursued it.. That isn't to say there wasn't some level of deception at times.. If I were you, I wouldn't allow the accuse of blaming addiction or any other behavior on addiction.

suki44883

Did he cheat while he was drinking or since he's been sober? In either case, it cannot be totally blamed on alcohol addiction. Many alcoholics never cheat on their spouse.

Dee74

Hi bobbieb

Well...all I can tell you is there wasn't a connection in my case.
I lost two relationships through drinking - but for other reasons....I was always faithful to a fault.

D

doggonecarl

I think as an addiction progresses, there can be, in some people, a disintegration of morals, and an impulsiveness that leads to poor judgment. I know at the height of my meth addiction, I cavorted in some pretty low places, did some repulsive things.

But they were also choices that I made. Not the drug.

spen71

In my 9 year relationship I was drunk a lot of the time but I was never unfaithful. In my mind I was scared about getting caught out, was never worried that I stuck of booze and just flat outlied about it.

Edit: Also I never had time to be unfaithful as I was always thinking up ways to escape down the pub/shop.

infiniti

For many people, myself included, the use of alcohol and/or drugs can lead to lessening inhibitions, so some may do things that they wouldn't normally do while sober.

My exbf is a recovering addict. He swears he didn't cheat while we were together and he was actively using. I have no doubts that he was faithful during his months of sobriety, but there were just too many things that pointed to him cheating while actively using. I handled it by realizing that the person he was while using wasn't the person he is while sober. He went into rehab and once he was out, we tried "starting over" ... it didn't work out, lol, but I went into the recovery with the attitude that he was a different person now sober, and I shut the door to the past.

The thing about the past -- it can't be undone. You either have to learn to accept it and move on, or you may have to ask yourself some hard questions about the solidity of your relationship. And as I re-read your post, it seems that you are saying that he cheated while DURING recovery ... if that's the case, then it has nothing to do with addiction and everything to do with character, IMO.

Kjell

I cheated on all three of my girlfriends, though they don't know it.

I felt horrible about it each time, but as you can see, it didn't stop my bad behavior. I did a lot of things I regreted, truly regreted when I drank.

It took me a few years to connect the dots. It took pain and consequence for me to finally realize I only had one choice and that was to not take that first drink. Before coming to the realization, I truly believed it was going to be different the next time. "I can do better the next time" or "I don't do that again".

It was me that did all those things, not the alcohol. I was sick. Now who's fault is that is the "age ol' question". Was I just a rotton person? Am I defective? Did I do this to myself or was I born this way?

Now I'm better and it feels like it was someone else out there engaging in all that dishonest wreckless behavior.

Will I be forgiven? Maybe not be everyone and that is ok. I'm going to try, but it's up to them to accept or refuse. Either way, I'm moving on and I'll be ready to make amends if I'm ever allowed. Thank God for the steps of AA as I now have a design for living I desperately needed, but didn't know I needed until after I got sober.

Kjell

tomtricky

I cannot say anything for certain and can only offer advice from my own experiences. When I was using and drinking I lost all my morals. I only realised once I got clean but when I was using I cheated on people, had one night stands and made some pretty reckless decisions. I used to blame this behaviour on my use of drugs at the time. In recovery I would never consider cheating on someone or doing any of the reckless behaviour I used to when I was using.

Tom x

Summerpeach

My ex cheated once he became sober (or cheated before but I never found out).
When he stopped drinking, he was just looking for a new addiction, and it became hunting for women on line and cheating.
Not all, but MANY addicts cheat. It's just part of the self hate they have.

This is why there is a high rate in inter-dating in AA meetings.
My ex started to wear cologne and dress nice to meetings. I then found an email to his friend saying "there is some hot blonde with huge boobs in my meeting and I'm going to take it slow with her" <----he was with me at the time!
You got to be pretty messed up to go to AA and treat it like a dating service.
Mental illness makes very little sense.

tomtricky

The 13th Step - a lot of people suggest that you never date people in the rooms. I can see why.

Tom.

recycle

Bobbie I am sorry that you are suffering, IMO both addiction and infidelity are symptoms of the same affliction. Alcoholics have these traits in spades: We are dishonest; Selfish and self-centered; Feel unfairly burdened by our responsibilities; Always looking for something to make us _____* even though the consequences may hurt ourselves or those around us. AA calls it a disease, I don't know if that is true or not, but it works for me as a pragmatic concept to find solutions.

*happy, numb, transcendent, I don't know what to call it, but I/we were looking for something to fill a void.

RV GTO

Hi bobbieb, is there a connection - IMHO, impossible to determine. I'm a guy who has been loaded during half my marriage and I never had an outside relationship.

Temptation presenting itself, looking for temptation, weakness, seeking, being sought out, alcoholism, etc. and more probably come into play. Been there before.....

My opinion, and mine alone, is the addiction had a very minor role in the infidelity. He made a conscious decision to do what he did.

Anna

Hi,

I never cheated and never considered it.

Personally I think it's apples and oranges.

A lot of people cheat on theirspouses and it has nothing to do with addiction at all.

Ghostly

There is no connection. If someone blames that, they are using it as an excuse.

SSIL75

I have never cheated on my husband. Not even close. I'm a recovering alcoholic and don't think the two are related at all.

Kjell

I'm assuming it's fair to say that drinking alcohol increases one's chances of regretful, harmful, shameful, (etc...) activities.

milwaukeeguy85

I am on board with Kjell.

Generally what would happen with me is I would get upset with my girlfriends (while drinking) and a result, cheat on them. I can be a rather vindictive person, but I would never entertain the notion of cheating while I was sober. For me it was a completely alchohol driven decision as I always regretted my shameful behavior when I was sober.

For me it was total loss of inhibition. Its one thing to find people attractive and not act on it or not want to act on it. When you are drinking and not worried about how your actions can affect people (including yourself) it is very easy to become a monster.

I used to get in fights when i drank (never when sober), I would say ruthless heartless things to people (never when sober) and I would occasionally cheat (never when sober). I think a lot of it boils down to the individual.

AmericanGirl

Hi Bobbie. Your husband may have a problem with compulsive behaviors or a psychologically based problem empathizing with people, such as a personality disorder. I think this can overlap with alcoholism, leading to confusion (especially for those who suffer from both), but alcoholism itself . . no, I don't think it's fair to say that those things are necessarily related.

MsCooterBrown

I have to go with loss of inhibitions...and regretful harmful shameful etc activities. I have done some stuff drunk that I would NEVER have done sober. Now that I look up..American Girl most likely hit it right on...Alcohol could very well enhance all of your disorders.