Tuffgirl

I did something yesterday and I am not sure why. I had a friend that kept in touch with me after high school so a long time but long distance friendship over the years. Five years ago after I moved back here, we had a falling out over her drinking and bad behavior. I asked her if she thought she may be an alcoholic and she exploded, swore at me, kicked me out of her house and proclaimed I am "dead" to her. It was sad but a relief at the same time because I really wasn't liking her much anymore at that point.

Having an AH has made me think of her many times over the past 8 months. I finally decided to "google" her yesterday as I was half halfheartedly watching the super bowl. I don't know why exactly, but I went to my state's public records (the courts) and found BAD STUFF. And I have been haunted ever since, feeling terrible. Two DUI's, misdemeanor charges of child neglect (our kids were 6 days apart in age), a handful of restraining orders, one by a "minor party" which I assume is her son, and even recent charges of stalking another woman. All over a period of time between early 2008 to July of 2010.

She texted me once, back in 2008. Said she missed me and thought of me often. I ignored that text because at the time, I thought she was pretty messed up and didn't want that in my life again. Now I see the real unraveling of her life was happening at that time; she must have reached out in desperation, and I ignored it. I feel horrible, even knowing the three C's. And after reading lillamy's dream post this morning, I realize I feel horrible because these people are so misunderstood if you don't know anything about alcoholism. I assumed she was just "messed up" and needed to get her sh!t together...so easy to think that. But now I know. And I am just broken-hearted.

Today I will have compassion for my husband, knowing he has been just as out of control as my friend, but he loves me anyway. It wasn't them in the drivers seat, it was alcohol and that ruled everything they did because it had to. Maybe yesterday's actions was a message to me, to have forgiveness and compassion for those who are suffering too. I am not an alcoholic so its been hard to understand what it is like for them, but seeing what I saw yesterday gave me another little glimpse into the compulsion that is such a force to reckon with. Yeesh!

A fellow Al-Anon member described it as a 'force that can bring even the strongest man to his knees'. I understand now what that means, and I am humbled by it today.

Just had to share this as I process the meaning in it. Have a good Monday, all!
~T

sailorjohn

I've seen if first hand, probably the only significant loss I've ever felt in my life, my Uncle Bob, my Dad's brother. My parents are immigrants, I've never really known my grandparents, Aunts/Uncles or any relatives for that matter.

My Dad's told me the story, his older brother Bob emigrated to Canada before my Dad came over, Bob was always losing jobs, my Dad was always bailing him out. He eventually lost his wife and daughter, and by the early 70's he ended up on skid row in Detroit, I remember the call from the police in the middle of the night asking my Dad to come identify the body.

I have nothing but fond memories of the man, he was always so nice to us. He tried repeatedly to get sober-AA-he could never pull it off.

Sometimes I still have a few flashes of anger about my ex but for the most part I just feel terrible about it. Alcoholism/addiction are truly awful things. Just awful.

theuncertainty

Hey there, Tuffgirl. Just want to say, one text does not constitute "reaching out in desperation". You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your serenity. I know you know that there isn't any way of knowing that you would have been able to help her to where all the unraveling would have not happened. In all odds, you may have just been drug into the drama and had a front seat view. You can let go of feeling bad about it.

that this message allows you to have some compassion for your AH.

Shellcrusher

Thanks for posting this. I'm happy to see that it's possible to feel compassion for the diseased. I try to see my AW as two people. The women I love and the Alcoholic, I hate. The lines blur far too often and I struggle with it. So again, you've given me a touch of hope.

I currently walk around with a mean chip on my shoulder and I have my AW to blame for it. I reckon I'm still in an angry phase.

Tuffgirl

Shellcrusher, I think I am moving forward from that phase, but its taken a while to get here. I've read a lot of stories written by alcoholics recently. Trying to gain some perspective and insight from the source. It has really helped me to understand that compassion doesn't mean tolerance of bad behavior. I can still stand firm on my boundaries and have compassion at the same time. And the anger is pointless and wasted energy. Doesn't mean I still don't get justifiably angry somedays...just that I deal with it differently now. I can send you a list, if you are into reading. Just let me know!

Tuffgirl

I know - I feel bad because she has really done some serious damage and my heart just goes out to her because of that. And believe me, the other, rational side of me said thank God she ran me off early! It was crazy enough back then...I remember her getting us kicked out of a bar and I had to half-drag, half-carry her out of there with security escorting us in front of everyone. Once, again in a bar, she pushed me as I reached over her to get my purse (I must have startled her in her drunken state or something) because she set me on my butt. That was the last time I ever spent any time with her when she was drinking, and it wasn't much later when she told me off.

So yes, I am glad I got out early because she was on a straight path to complete self destruction. And sure enough - she did! just so sad.

zrx1200R

this is the power they have over us. We feel bad for them. We can see the path they are going down. yet they are powerless to see or hear what we are talking about.

If your friend was a schizophrenic would you have done anything differently? Would you have tried to help, but then realized you were powerless to effect any change? I think so. but the alcoholism is effectively no different.

How many times have we tried to get those who live in the same house with us to change? And what has that success rate been? I think it impossible a friend would listen to your words, no matter how many times you said them.

You did what you did, and no one is to blame for her behavior other than herself.