lillamy

The details don't really matter. But I dreamed that I was talking to one of my girlfriends after we had been out at a bar one night, and she said, "I think maybe you had too much to drink," and she sort of averted her eyes. And I panicked because I realized I didn't even know how long she had been at the bar, and what had happened, and what I had done... I had vague memories of flirting with a guy only because he was trying to start a fight with someone else... and that maybe, just maybe, I had gone home with him -- but I couldn't remember. And I said to my friend, "I only had four drinks" and she couldn't look me in the eye. And I knew I had lost count and kept drinking.

And then I was in the car with another friend and knew that I had to apologize for what I had done at his birthday party. I couldn't remember what I had done, but I knew I had been drunk and ruined it. I felt very warm and genuinely sorry for whatever it was I had done, and when I apologized, he had that same reaction with averting his eyes, looked out the side window of the car. And I expected him to say something soothing and forgiving, but he didn't. Instead he said something like, "well, my family gets together quite often but you really did ruin the evening for everyone."

And I felt the horror of loving these people and yet having hurt them so deeply without really meaning to. And I felt the ground sort of pull away under my feet when I realized that OMG, I really have blackouts when I have no clue what I do when I drink.

I woke up overwhelmed by guilt. And by feeling misunderstood by the people I love. And the feeling lingered, the feeling of "surely, they love me enough that everything is going to be OK anyway?" mixed with a panicky notion that maybe they won't.

It was a dream. I'm not an alcoholic. The bar scene was especially odd -- I don't think I've been to a bar in 25 years. But I think that was my HP sending me that dream.

My first reaction was "OMG, if I had known what it was like, I would never have left my AH." Because it was horrid. And so my second reaction was "I have to talk to him and tell him that I understand how awful things have been for him and that I... betrayed him..."

And then I thought again. And remembered what a pastor once said to me. He said "when God sends you a dream, the only thing you can be sure of is that he has a message for you. Whether he means for you to share it, or act in a specific way because of it, that's something for you to consider in prayer."

And this morning, after a few more hours of sleep, I wake up and my anger at RAXH is gone. I don't want to go back. I don't want to apologize to him because I didn't understand what he was going through. But I find that I've let go of my anger, and taken a big step toward forgiveness. And that is huge. The dream made me realize that while his actions toward me and the children were what they were, and his unacceptable behavior was unacceptable, he's probably more horrified by it than I am.

And taking another step toward forgiveness is a good thing. My carrying anger toward RAXH doesn't hurt him, it only hurts me. Anger, resentment, and refusal to forgive are heavy burdens to carry. It's time I started to let go of them. And letting go doesn't make what he did OK. It just means I won't hold the past against him.

For the first time in I don't know how many years, when I think of him, I do it without fear and anger.

Tuffgirl

Thanks for sharing this incredibly insightful post. God works in mysterious ways, eh? And sharing it here means it will touch others, like me today, who for some reason I have yet to identify, needed the message in it, as well.

theuncertainty

Wow. I've been coming across quite a bit of talk about compassion and forgiveness lately, not just on SR. It's a lesson I need to learn. But perhaps HP will just let me sit with that acknowledgement for a while because I can't do it. Or won't do it. Or both.

Thank you for sharing, Lillamy. What an amazing insight!

LexieCat

Wow.

Thanks for sharing that amazing dream. Seems like you captured that sinking feeling we alcoholics get when we know we f*cked up again.

You're right--any move toward forgiveness is a step from freeing ourselves from resentment.

Hugs,

wicked

Lexie.

I agree lillamy, forgiveness is a gift for you.
thank you for sharing this.

Beth

lillamy

The most amazing thing to me is that it really smacked me over the head -- it's become a habit of my HP's when I don't get the subtle hint, to smack me with a two-by-four.

I went to bed angry and wanting RAXH to be quartered by horses, and then trampled on, and then buried, and dug up and beaten the crap out of. And woke up without anger. Quite amazing. I'm still reeling.