Husband of an alcoholic - new to this...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Northern IL
Posts: 15
Husband of an alcoholic - new to this...
This may well be the most painful and difficult thing I’ll ever type . . .
I am married to a substance abuser. I am married to – perhaps – the clinical definition of an alcoholic.
No . . . I’m softening it too much. Let’s be clear: I am the 51 year old husband of a 50 year old alcoholic.
My life, as I knew it, is suddenly upside down and I am frightened like never before in my life. As I sit here wide awake at 4:30am – after, perhaps, a 90 minute sleep – my head is spinning with ‘what-ifs’ and questions about my culpability (if any) in helping create this situation. I am fearful for my wife taking her own life. I am fearful she will choose the bottle over her marriage. I am frightened by the possibility of life without her.
And I didn’t do anything intentional to turn my world upside down. Perhaps that is the most confusing part of this. I fancy myself to be a very good husband and friend to my wife – but behavior like that seems to indicate that something in her life may be going unfulfilled. The doubts and the fear I feel are by no hand of my own – or so I feel. We have an amazing and loving relationship . . . and while I have achieved very public acknowledgement for my achievements for what I do professionally, she has always been there to support me by making sure I am taken care of so I can do all the things a husband is required to do for his family.
Let’s start with what I found . . .
I’d noticed a sudden assembly of empty vodka bottles in the garbage that started to appear just after Christmas. (God bless my wife, even in her sickness, she’s still concerned about recycling . . .) It was alarming as I knew I wasn’t the person contributing to the collection. So I began to count and mark the liquor bottles. Since Christmas she has gone through 9 bottles of vodka - and she doesn't even drink vodka. Or so I thought . . .
Last night, when I came home, I found a new bottle of the same brand of vodka . . . almost empty. The one I had marked – containing 3 or 4 more shots – was gone. It was replaced by a bottle with NO marks of my own. Dear God . . . had she really consumed almost an entire bottle of vodka in the 8 hours I was at work?
Friday night we arrived home from a funeral (and quick dinner with a beer for each of us) and later I found a mini-bottle of empty Captain Morgan in the garbage. What I feared was happening came true. She was sneaking the liquor and hiding it from me. Classic behavior, to be sure. The arrival home to a wonderful meal of Eggplant Parmesian wasn’t as welcome when I opened the pantry door and found the new vodka bottle – sans my hidden marks – sitting amongst a rearranged liquor cabinet.
I quietly ate my meal and waited to finish before I spoke up. As I was cleaning up my dishes I paused and said, “I need to talk to you about something.” I explained what I had been doing for the previous few weeks and she didn’t deny it. How could she? She attempted to explain that she dumped out the one bottle with the few shots remaining in it – and then said she also dumped out half of the new bottle.
Uh-huh . . . and I’m supposed to believe that? Sorry, my experience with alcoholism isn’t so limited as to take that feeble attempt of hers to lessen the amount consumed and believe that story. If there is one thing I know about alcohol abuse it is that the offending person will try to cover up their consumption from their loved ones, family and friends.
For the next 5 hours we talked and she lied and I cried and she was truthful and I cried and she asked for forgiveness and I stared blankly and . . . well, you get the idea and need not be bored with her attempts to blame shift, justify and explain the reasons behind her actions. Surely she had to still be drunk if that much vodka was consumed. So her anger and other unappealing behaviors seemed flawlessly clinical in their execution by the abuser. I’ve fought with her drinking since the days I had my townhouse back in the mid-1990’s . . . but I NEVER imagined it would devolve into this.
She asked that I not tell anyone. How can I not? I can’t trust her to visit a friend and let the friend allow her to drink. I can’t not tell her family and alert them to the problem we now face – or THEY will be made unwilling accomplices in her illness. That’s the thing about substance abuse . . . it destroys trust, it is the epitome of selfishness, it forces people to lie and deceive in ways that bring others into their illness.
My head is spinning still . . . I hit a wall here and probably need to stop typing. It’s 5am now – Super Bowl Sunday. I’ve packed up all the liquor into the back of my truck again – and will take it to work to keep it out of her . . . well, just to keep it out of her.
Life will change now. But what will it look like when all is said and done? Will I remain married? Will she choose the bottle over me? What will my life – as settled as I presumed it was just one day earlier – now be 180 degrees in another direction? My fear is that my married life – as wonderful and amazing as it was – will never, ever be the same again – and I am powerless to do anything about it.
What did I do?
How would I ever consider that I would ever ask that question of myself?
How can trust ever be reestablished?
I feel ashamed. I feel like my life - in the span of 24 hours - went from the sincerity of the depth of our love by speaking about how I might feel if she passed away before me (probably a normal conversation after a funeral of a loved one) or the hurt she would feel were I to pass away . . . and now, I'm wondering if my life as I knew it has ended.
The miracle we both felt we had in our relationship is battered and I fear I am losing the future I once peacefully took for granted . . .
I am married to a substance abuser. I am married to – perhaps – the clinical definition of an alcoholic.
No . . . I’m softening it too much. Let’s be clear: I am the 51 year old husband of a 50 year old alcoholic.
My life, as I knew it, is suddenly upside down and I am frightened like never before in my life. As I sit here wide awake at 4:30am – after, perhaps, a 90 minute sleep – my head is spinning with ‘what-ifs’ and questions about my culpability (if any) in helping create this situation. I am fearful for my wife taking her own life. I am fearful she will choose the bottle over her marriage. I am frightened by the possibility of life without her.
And I didn’t do anything intentional to turn my world upside down. Perhaps that is the most confusing part of this. I fancy myself to be a very good husband and friend to my wife – but behavior like that seems to indicate that something in her life may be going unfulfilled. The doubts and the fear I feel are by no hand of my own – or so I feel. We have an amazing and loving relationship . . . and while I have achieved very public acknowledgement for my achievements for what I do professionally, she has always been there to support me by making sure I am taken care of so I can do all the things a husband is required to do for his family.
Let’s start with what I found . . .
I’d noticed a sudden assembly of empty vodka bottles in the garbage that started to appear just after Christmas. (God bless my wife, even in her sickness, she’s still concerned about recycling . . .) It was alarming as I knew I wasn’t the person contributing to the collection. So I began to count and mark the liquor bottles. Since Christmas she has gone through 9 bottles of vodka - and she doesn't even drink vodka. Or so I thought . . .
Last night, when I came home, I found a new bottle of the same brand of vodka . . . almost empty. The one I had marked – containing 3 or 4 more shots – was gone. It was replaced by a bottle with NO marks of my own. Dear God . . . had she really consumed almost an entire bottle of vodka in the 8 hours I was at work?
Friday night we arrived home from a funeral (and quick dinner with a beer for each of us) and later I found a mini-bottle of empty Captain Morgan in the garbage. What I feared was happening came true. She was sneaking the liquor and hiding it from me. Classic behavior, to be sure. The arrival home to a wonderful meal of Eggplant Parmesian wasn’t as welcome when I opened the pantry door and found the new vodka bottle – sans my hidden marks – sitting amongst a rearranged liquor cabinet.
I quietly ate my meal and waited to finish before I spoke up. As I was cleaning up my dishes I paused and said, “I need to talk to you about something.” I explained what I had been doing for the previous few weeks and she didn’t deny it. How could she? She attempted to explain that she dumped out the one bottle with the few shots remaining in it – and then said she also dumped out half of the new bottle.
Uh-huh . . . and I’m supposed to believe that? Sorry, my experience with alcoholism isn’t so limited as to take that feeble attempt of hers to lessen the amount consumed and believe that story. If there is one thing I know about alcohol abuse it is that the offending person will try to cover up their consumption from their loved ones, family and friends.
For the next 5 hours we talked and she lied and I cried and she was truthful and I cried and she asked for forgiveness and I stared blankly and . . . well, you get the idea and need not be bored with her attempts to blame shift, justify and explain the reasons behind her actions. Surely she had to still be drunk if that much vodka was consumed. So her anger and other unappealing behaviors seemed flawlessly clinical in their execution by the abuser. I’ve fought with her drinking since the days I had my townhouse back in the mid-1990’s . . . but I NEVER imagined it would devolve into this.
She asked that I not tell anyone. How can I not? I can’t trust her to visit a friend and let the friend allow her to drink. I can’t not tell her family and alert them to the problem we now face – or THEY will be made unwilling accomplices in her illness. That’s the thing about substance abuse . . . it destroys trust, it is the epitome of selfishness, it forces people to lie and deceive in ways that bring others into their illness.
My head is spinning still . . . I hit a wall here and probably need to stop typing. It’s 5am now – Super Bowl Sunday. I’ve packed up all the liquor into the back of my truck again – and will take it to work to keep it out of her . . . well, just to keep it out of her.
Life will change now. But what will it look like when all is said and done? Will I remain married? Will she choose the bottle over me? What will my life – as settled as I presumed it was just one day earlier – now be 180 degrees in another direction? My fear is that my married life – as wonderful and amazing as it was – will never, ever be the same again – and I am powerless to do anything about it.
What did I do?
How would I ever consider that I would ever ask that question of myself?
How can trust ever be reestablished?
I feel ashamed. I feel like my life - in the span of 24 hours - went from the sincerity of the depth of our love by speaking about how I might feel if she passed away before me (probably a normal conversation after a funeral of a loved one) or the hurt she would feel were I to pass away . . . and now, I'm wondering if my life as I knew it has ended.
The miracle we both felt we had in our relationship is battered and I fear I am losing the future I once peacefully took for granted . . .
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome to the forum - I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. I feel for your wife also - alcoholism is hard on everyone.
There is a section of this forum that deals specifically with friends/family of abusers. I know you'll get lots of support there as well:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
One thing you'll find out: you can't control her drinking in any substantial way...... she needs help to stop, but it has to come from her....
There is a section of this forum that deals specifically with friends/family of abusers. I know you'll get lots of support there as well:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
One thing you'll find out: you can't control her drinking in any substantial way...... she needs help to stop, but it has to come from her....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Northern IL
Posts: 15
Thanks . . . 'artsoul' . . . I like the username. I'm a designer, artist and writer. Yours conjures up a 'pretty picture' . . .
I will repost this there.
To some error is affirmation, to me error is information. I'm looking for advice so I know what to and NOT do . . . This seems like a place of healing hearts and helpful experience.
I've never felt such numbness . . .
I will repost this there.
To some error is affirmation, to me error is information. I'm looking for advice so I know what to and NOT do . . . This seems like a place of healing hearts and helpful experience.
I've never felt such numbness . . .
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I can see how this must have been a horrible shock (did you have any suspicions at all?). We're pretty good at hiding our disease - most of us are filled with shame and self-loathing which makes us even more determined to put a happy face on things......
Definitely educate yourself on alcoholism and look into Al Anon for support, too.
So many things to learn................ has your wife indicated she would be willing to get help? With the amount she's drinking, she really needs medical detox. Stopping cold could be very dangerous.
I'm just glad you're here - you obviously care about her.
Glad to meet another artist! 'Tis good therapy....... (though it's my living, so it's also stress.....!)
Hang in there.................
Definitely educate yourself on alcoholism and look into Al Anon for support, too.
So many things to learn................ has your wife indicated she would be willing to get help? With the amount she's drinking, she really needs medical detox. Stopping cold could be very dangerous.
I'm just glad you're here - you obviously care about her.
Glad to meet another artist! 'Tis good therapy....... (though it's my living, so it's also stress.....!)
Hang in there.................
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, first things first.
Here are some truths: You didn't CAUSE her alcoholism, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. In Al-Anon, we call those the three "C's" that you must keep in mind.
You won't help her by controlling her behavior. No, her friends shouldn't enable her drinking. Still, you won't stop her by forbidding her to see her friends. Not only is it useless, it will only make her resentful of you and give her another excuse to keep drinking. You don't have the right to control her behavior, though you DO have the right to set boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate--that's up to you. Threats don't do any good unless you are ready to carry them out--and even then they may not have the effect that you want.
My strong, STRONG suggestion is that you first learn something about alcoholism. I suggest you read "Under the Influence" and the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous--here is an online version. Find an Al-Anon meeting and go. Al-Anon helps us to focus on what we CAN control--our reactions and responses to a loved one's drinking.
If you weren't aware of her drinking until you found the bottles, it doesn't sound as if any drastic action (on your part) is necessary just yet. How does she feel about it? Does she want to stop?
Here are some truths: You didn't CAUSE her alcoholism, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. In Al-Anon, we call those the three "C's" that you must keep in mind.
You won't help her by controlling her behavior. No, her friends shouldn't enable her drinking. Still, you won't stop her by forbidding her to see her friends. Not only is it useless, it will only make her resentful of you and give her another excuse to keep drinking. You don't have the right to control her behavior, though you DO have the right to set boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate--that's up to you. Threats don't do any good unless you are ready to carry them out--and even then they may not have the effect that you want.
My strong, STRONG suggestion is that you first learn something about alcoholism. I suggest you read "Under the Influence" and the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous--here is an online version. Find an Al-Anon meeting and go. Al-Anon helps us to focus on what we CAN control--our reactions and responses to a loved one's drinking.
If you weren't aware of her drinking until you found the bottles, it doesn't sound as if any drastic action (on your part) is necessary just yet. How does she feel about it? Does she want to stop?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Northern IL
Posts: 15
I can see how this must have been a horrible shock (did you have any suspicions at all?). We're pretty good at hiding our disease - most of us are filled with shame and self-loathing which makes us even more determined to put a happy face on things......
The suspicions were all fairly recent. We faced a situation a couple years ago when she had to euthanize her 22-year-old cat (the cat lifespan charts only go up to 20 years!!) and then 8 months later we had to euthanize our 5-year-old Golden Retriever. Coupled with menopause issues (an issue I frontran for her by buying books for her on the subject right about the time I started to ntoice some of the subtle behavioral changes in her). I think alcohol is her way of self-medicating when the anxieties of life get to her. (I call her a delicate flower - she likes that)
I've anticipated many of the issues I knew she might face as an aging, attractive woman . . . and she's always been appreciative - or so she has stated to me and to others. Last fall - after another embarassing display of a few too many at home, I forbid her to ever consume wine again - or I would leave her. I was always told that being forthright with something as serious as the loss of a valued relationship would help snap someone into better behavior. She thanked me.
Then, apparently, she switched to vodka.
Definitely educate yourself on alcoholism and look into Al Anon for support, too.
So many things to learn................ has your wife indicated she would be willing to get help? With the amount she's drinking, she really needs medical detox. Stopping cold could be very dangerous.
I don't think it is an issue that has found its way into the 'work' part of her day. She has a low stress (but somehwat fast paced) job as a receptionist for a company she loves. Great boss - great co-workers . . . (Loving husband, new dog,lol) So where is the pain coming from is probably what the issue we face first is. Psychotherapy seems necessary - then perhaps she might be better equipped for the shame she will feel (her words) when she has to face an AlAnon meeting and publicly witness the issues alcoholics create in their lives. (What's the diff between AlAnon and AA?)
I'm just glad you're here - you obviously care about her.
More than you could imagine . . . It was bliss. It can be again if she chooses me over all. Though, as you would CERTAINLY understand as an artist (I own a graphics business and do large scale mural work - like you, also my profession and yes, stressful) we are somewhat difficult to work with as we seek answers to questions most are not brave enough to ask themselves.
I admit that regularly to her. She knows and accepts it. I just didn't know there were other issues - and wanted to blame my 'long shadow' as the source of her pain. I've come to understand that a spouse or partner will always blame themselves as being the alcoholics source of pain. Sadly, that makes me feel a bit better.
I stupidly used to say her issues were 'eating problems' - not drinking problems. She's a health nut - has great discipline in exercise and diet - and her ability to be disciplined in those efforts found me justifying her drunkeness because she ate so little . . . So I feel I have been turning a blind eye to this . . . and the really poor effort at hiding it indicates to me that she wanted to get caught . . .
How fortuitous to have found an 'artsoul' to talk to an 'art soul' about this. Life does throw us what we need, doesn't it? I am so pleased you are willing to share this with me. The wake of victims left behind by those who abuse seems oblivious to the abuser . . . but she is so very much worth fighting for that my confusion over her not being smart enough to see this happening is difficult to understand . . .
This problem is gut-wrenching and amazingly disruptive . . . and I've never been more scared. But I do feel as though I caught it before it came to an awful end. The previous years issues prepared me and had me on alert . . .
I just need to know what NOT to say to her - and what she needs to hear. Tough love? Bluntness? Coddling?
And if Green Bay wins (Chicago bear fan!!), this day will suck . . . and never be forgotten.
(Levity only, this issue is clearly so much more important... I just have to try to keep some of my humor...)
The suspicions were all fairly recent. We faced a situation a couple years ago when she had to euthanize her 22-year-old cat (the cat lifespan charts only go up to 20 years!!) and then 8 months later we had to euthanize our 5-year-old Golden Retriever. Coupled with menopause issues (an issue I frontran for her by buying books for her on the subject right about the time I started to ntoice some of the subtle behavioral changes in her). I think alcohol is her way of self-medicating when the anxieties of life get to her. (I call her a delicate flower - she likes that)
I've anticipated many of the issues I knew she might face as an aging, attractive woman . . . and she's always been appreciative - or so she has stated to me and to others. Last fall - after another embarassing display of a few too many at home, I forbid her to ever consume wine again - or I would leave her. I was always told that being forthright with something as serious as the loss of a valued relationship would help snap someone into better behavior. She thanked me.
Then, apparently, she switched to vodka.
Definitely educate yourself on alcoholism and look into Al Anon for support, too.
So many things to learn................ has your wife indicated she would be willing to get help? With the amount she's drinking, she really needs medical detox. Stopping cold could be very dangerous.
I don't think it is an issue that has found its way into the 'work' part of her day. She has a low stress (but somehwat fast paced) job as a receptionist for a company she loves. Great boss - great co-workers . . . (Loving husband, new dog,lol) So where is the pain coming from is probably what the issue we face first is. Psychotherapy seems necessary - then perhaps she might be better equipped for the shame she will feel (her words) when she has to face an AlAnon meeting and publicly witness the issues alcoholics create in their lives. (What's the diff between AlAnon and AA?)
I'm just glad you're here - you obviously care about her.
More than you could imagine . . . It was bliss. It can be again if she chooses me over all. Though, as you would CERTAINLY understand as an artist (I own a graphics business and do large scale mural work - like you, also my profession and yes, stressful) we are somewhat difficult to work with as we seek answers to questions most are not brave enough to ask themselves.
I admit that regularly to her. She knows and accepts it. I just didn't know there were other issues - and wanted to blame my 'long shadow' as the source of her pain. I've come to understand that a spouse or partner will always blame themselves as being the alcoholics source of pain. Sadly, that makes me feel a bit better.
I stupidly used to say her issues were 'eating problems' - not drinking problems. She's a health nut - has great discipline in exercise and diet - and her ability to be disciplined in those efforts found me justifying her drunkeness because she ate so little . . . So I feel I have been turning a blind eye to this . . . and the really poor effort at hiding it indicates to me that she wanted to get caught . . .
How fortuitous to have found an 'artsoul' to talk to an 'art soul' about this. Life does throw us what we need, doesn't it? I am so pleased you are willing to share this with me. The wake of victims left behind by those who abuse seems oblivious to the abuser . . . but she is so very much worth fighting for that my confusion over her not being smart enough to see this happening is difficult to understand . . .
This problem is gut-wrenching and amazingly disruptive . . . and I've never been more scared. But I do feel as though I caught it before it came to an awful end. The previous years issues prepared me and had me on alert . . .
I just need to know what NOT to say to her - and what she needs to hear. Tough love? Bluntness? Coddling?
And if Green Bay wins (Chicago bear fan!!), this day will suck . . . and never be forgotten.
(Levity only, this issue is clearly so much more important... I just have to try to keep some of my humor...)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Be careful about putting it in terms of "me or the bottle"--right now she NEEDS the bottle--probably to feel any semblance of "normal". Alcoholics drink to feel normal. The thought of stopping--once you're really addicted--is terrifying. So it isn't that she doesn't care about you, it's that she needs the booze to exist.
Do some reading. Once you understand a little better how this disease works, you will be in a better position to understand how she will have to deal with it if she is to get well, and what you can do to be supportive (understanding that it is SHE who must make the decisions and take the action).
Do some reading. Once you understand a little better how this disease works, you will be in a better position to understand how she will have to deal with it if she is to get well, and what you can do to be supportive (understanding that it is SHE who must make the decisions and take the action).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Northern IL
Posts: 15
Lexie...
If you weren't aware of her drinking until you found the bottles, it doesn't sound as if any drastic action (on your part) is necessary just yet. How does she feel about it? Does she want to stop?
We have always enjoyed having an occasional drink or two together . . . primarily on the weekends. So I feel like her drinking has just has gone too far from the other problems she's faced in recent years (see answer to 'artsoul' above for details). I'm not a big drinker . . . 2 or 3 is enough. I feel the depressive nature of it in my system . . . and I feel extremely grateful to have a 'shut-off valve'...
I used to say, she's 3 people when she drinks . . . herself, 'Naughty Nancy' and 'Sassy Suzie' (Suzie is the ugly part of her change in personality)
I refuse her and reject 'Suzie' . . . and as I tried to explain to her, to me even spending time with 'Sassy Suzie' is like cheating on my real wife. It's like the old 'Invastion of the Body Snatchers' movie... It LOOKS like her . . . it SOUNDS like her . . . but it isn't her. It's ugly . . . and she's model-beautiful (and even moreso 'inside').
She does want to stop and she is willing to go to counseling - and in time, AlAnon . . . or so she's saying now. The betrayal runs deep - so I'm sadly unsure if it is just lip service - or sincerity. My heart prefers sincerity . . .
I don't want to lose her - yet I face that possibility. Scary.
We have always enjoyed having an occasional drink or two together . . . primarily on the weekends. So I feel like her drinking has just has gone too far from the other problems she's faced in recent years (see answer to 'artsoul' above for details). I'm not a big drinker . . . 2 or 3 is enough. I feel the depressive nature of it in my system . . . and I feel extremely grateful to have a 'shut-off valve'...
I used to say, she's 3 people when she drinks . . . herself, 'Naughty Nancy' and 'Sassy Suzie' (Suzie is the ugly part of her change in personality)
I refuse her and reject 'Suzie' . . . and as I tried to explain to her, to me even spending time with 'Sassy Suzie' is like cheating on my real wife. It's like the old 'Invastion of the Body Snatchers' movie... It LOOKS like her . . . it SOUNDS like her . . . but it isn't her. It's ugly . . . and she's model-beautiful (and even moreso 'inside').
She does want to stop and she is willing to go to counseling - and in time, AlAnon . . . or so she's saying now. The betrayal runs deep - so I'm sadly unsure if it is just lip service - or sincerity. My heart prefers sincerity . . .
I don't want to lose her - yet I face that possibility. Scary.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
(What's the diff between AlAnon and AA?
AA - Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is a recovery program for alcoholics
Alcoholics Anonymous :
Al-Anon - This is a program for anyone who has a loved one suffering from
alcoholism. Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just so you understand, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is for alcoholics. Al-Anon is for friends, family, or anyone affected by someone else's drinking problem. Both use the same 12 Steps for recovery, but in Al-Anon the focus is on what YOU can do about your worry, your urges to try to control the uncontrollable, how to live a serene life regardless whether the alcoholic chooses recovery or not.
It's a good idea for you to perhaps go to an AA meeting, yourself, just to see what it's about. But it's probably best that she attend AA on her own, or with a friend for support.
I know your head is spinning right now. Take a deep breath. Nobody recovers overnight. But there IS hope--for both of you.
It's a good idea for you to perhaps go to an AA meeting, yourself, just to see what it's about. But it's probably best that she attend AA on her own, or with a friend for support.
I know your head is spinning right now. Take a deep breath. Nobody recovers overnight. But there IS hope--for both of you.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Just a quick note, you're getting tons of good support and guidance here..
Alanon is for people who love alcoholics.
AA is for alcoholics.
Alanon is for YOU, to learn how to live with an alcoholic while taking care of yourself, and detaching from her alcoholism, with love.
AA if she goes that path, recovery wise, is for alcoholics. It isn't about attending meetings, it is about working with a sponsor to complete the steps laid out by the program, to begin a new and sober life in recovery.
Both are 12 step programs, and both have to do with alcoholism. Beyond that, the similarities are much fewer.
ETA: woops, Lexie and I posted at the same time
Alanon is for people who love alcoholics.
AA is for alcoholics.
Alanon is for YOU, to learn how to live with an alcoholic while taking care of yourself, and detaching from her alcoholism, with love.
AA if she goes that path, recovery wise, is for alcoholics. It isn't about attending meetings, it is about working with a sponsor to complete the steps laid out by the program, to begin a new and sober life in recovery.
Both are 12 step programs, and both have to do with alcoholism. Beyond that, the similarities are much fewer.
ETA: woops, Lexie and I posted at the same time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Northern IL
Posts: 15
I'm in tears. I feel the love and help you all send my way. That's not sappy sentiment . . . it's gut-wrenching honesty from a man with an incredibly broken heart . . .
Thank you for caring and sharing your advice and counsel with a total stranger. I am ashamed that I have allowed this to progress . . . and I am willing to move mountains to save the love I had before this happened.
Please God . . . help me help her.
Thank you for caring and sharing your advice and counsel with a total stranger. I am ashamed that I have allowed this to progress . . . and I am willing to move mountains to save the love I had before this happened.
Please God . . . help me help her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
Welcome to SR JayR..I read your post and can imagine the worries & stresses that are running through your mind right now. Its so hard to sit back & watch a person you love do this to themselves and knowing that's its so out with your control. I am with Lexie on this one...you didn't cause it, cant control it & cant cure it.
For me , once I understood & accepted this I set my boundaries & stuck to them. It helped me gain some control back into my own life as my twin sisters drinking habit consumed my whole life, every aspect of it for over 20 years. She understands why I have to walk away at times and she also knows how much I love her.
Al Anon ...a good step to getting some understanding & support for you. You must remember to look after you. Stay strong JayR you will find a lot of support here ...This forum was a God send for me!
Keep your chin up!
For me , once I understood & accepted this I set my boundaries & stuck to them. It helped me gain some control back into my own life as my twin sisters drinking habit consumed my whole life, every aspect of it for over 20 years. She understands why I have to walk away at times and she also knows how much I love her.
Al Anon ...a good step to getting some understanding & support for you. You must remember to look after you. Stay strong JayR you will find a lot of support here ...This forum was a God send for me!
Keep your chin up!
unlearning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: russia
Posts: 343
Indeed very troubling, and such a shock... but the shock took time to build up it's charge. I am an alcoholic, and will confirm your thoughts on alcoholics. It took me a long time to become an alcoholic. One candid talk, or conversation, with anybody, won't change that. It will take a long term (forever) commitment for me to change. Nobody can change me but me, and I still have to be willing and able not to deceive myself. Alcoholics are among the best at deceiving themselves, deceiving others is mostly just a consequence.
Really not in a positon to give advice, just my opinion.
Yes, your life will change now. You found a problem and are addressing it. One way or the other, but for the better I think. She has to be willing for change or it won't happen.
Nobody can say what will happen, of course. When my head spins I want a drink to slow it down, but realize its best to..... to what? Accept my spinning head.
Just an alcoholics perspective, please check out the link Artsoul gave.
Really not in a positon to give advice, just my opinion.
Yes, your life will change now. You found a problem and are addressing it. One way or the other, but for the better I think. She has to be willing for change or it won't happen.
Nobody can say what will happen, of course. When my head spins I want a drink to slow it down, but realize its best to..... to what? Accept my spinning head.
Just an alcoholics perspective, please check out the link Artsoul gave.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
I'd try Alanon first; I'd say counseling is secondary. My husband sounds so much like you and your relationship so much like ours before he hit Alanon and I got into recovery (AA). My husband has changed so much and found so much peace through Alanon when really, he's the last person we both thought needed it. Turns out he is the poster child and now is thankful for his alkie, otherwise he wouldn't have had the opportunity to learn and grow from the program of Alanon.
Your wife's got to work on her own stuff and I'd suggest a recovery program. Best of luck.
PS - "I am ashamed that I have allowed this to progress . . ." please give yourself a break - you are not God and can't control everything around you. So take yourself out of that equation - that's way too much responsibility to take on and once you realize that things will start to get better.
Your wife's got to work on her own stuff and I'd suggest a recovery program. Best of luck.
PS - "I am ashamed that I have allowed this to progress . . ." please give yourself a break - you are not God and can't control everything around you. So take yourself out of that equation - that's way too much responsibility to take on and once you realize that things will start to get better.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hi JayR,
So sorry to hear about this---sounds like a major upheaval. I had one of those with my spouse where in the course of an afternoon everything (down to bedrock) that I thought I knew about him turned out to be false. 15 years later I still hate to think about it.
I don't know how your situation will ultimately work out, but I would advise thinking short term now. Please take care of yourself and get all the support you need from friends, Al Anon, family. As others have noted here you won't be able to change your wife, she'll have to do that. But you can take charge of your own well-being.
I recommend, as others have, reading on this site. What you may get from that and the AA big book as well as the book "Under the Inluence" and "Beyond the Influence" is a grounding in what alcoholism is and isn't and what the alcoholic can do about it.
My understanding of alcoholism is that it has physical dimensions, and that difficult life events such as death of a beloved pet doesn't cause the drinking---alcoholics don't need an excuse. It is a progressive disease, and it sounds like this may have been a problem for a while that she has kept from you.
Also, a lot of the depression turns out to be caused by the chemical effects of the alcohol, and may disappear once the person goes through withdrawal and a program to maintain sobriety.
Sorry---not the most articulate posting but I was moved by your situation. I was happy to see that you were able to make a joke about the Super Bowl--sometimes humor can help with things that seem unbearable.
Welcome, and keep posting.
Danae
So sorry to hear about this---sounds like a major upheaval. I had one of those with my spouse where in the course of an afternoon everything (down to bedrock) that I thought I knew about him turned out to be false. 15 years later I still hate to think about it.
I don't know how your situation will ultimately work out, but I would advise thinking short term now. Please take care of yourself and get all the support you need from friends, Al Anon, family. As others have noted here you won't be able to change your wife, she'll have to do that. But you can take charge of your own well-being.
I recommend, as others have, reading on this site. What you may get from that and the AA big book as well as the book "Under the Inluence" and "Beyond the Influence" is a grounding in what alcoholism is and isn't and what the alcoholic can do about it.
My understanding of alcoholism is that it has physical dimensions, and that difficult life events such as death of a beloved pet doesn't cause the drinking---alcoholics don't need an excuse. It is a progressive disease, and it sounds like this may have been a problem for a while that she has kept from you.
Also, a lot of the depression turns out to be caused by the chemical effects of the alcohol, and may disappear once the person goes through withdrawal and a program to maintain sobriety.
Sorry---not the most articulate posting but I was moved by your situation. I was happy to see that you were able to make a joke about the Super Bowl--sometimes humor can help with things that seem unbearable.
Welcome, and keep posting.
Danae
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Hi Jay, and welcome.
The thing that struck me was your comments regarding her friends and family enabling her if you don't tell them...
Hon, if her friends and family know, and won't let her drink, who is to say she won't stop and buy a bottle to slam on the way??
You simply cannot control her. You have to have faith that she wants to stop, and will take her recovery seriously.
I really and truly feel for your situation. I can relate to your story of your marriage. My husband and I also have a love story straight out of heaven. He has stood by me, encouraged me, and been my rock.
Please keep coming back to read and post, and best of luck to you.
The thing that struck me was your comments regarding her friends and family enabling her if you don't tell them...
Hon, if her friends and family know, and won't let her drink, who is to say she won't stop and buy a bottle to slam on the way??
You simply cannot control her. You have to have faith that she wants to stop, and will take her recovery seriously.
I really and truly feel for your situation. I can relate to your story of your marriage. My husband and I also have a love story straight out of heaven. He has stood by me, encouraged me, and been my rock.
Please keep coming back to read and post, and best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Hey JayR. Welcome! Like others have said there is no way that you can make her become an alcoholic. I am on the other side of this example. I am the alcoholic and my wife is not an alcoholic. I remember hiding the bottles, ordering a shot when she wasn't looking when we're were out, sleeping with my face turned the other way so she wouldn't smell my breathe. I tried so hard to "protect her" from my disease but I couldn't.
I can tell you that I am not getting sober for her. Just like I didn't drink to hurt her. I drank because I am an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. I had to get sober for me. Now, since getting sober I have such a better relationship with her, I no longer disappoint her on a daily basis, I help her out so much more, and she has told me many times how much happier she is when I am sober and present.
Having said that, the life skills I've learned with regards to drinking have nothing to do with her or my kids. I look at it like, if I don't have recovery I don't have them. I love my wife and kids more than words can express but even they are no match for the physical impact that alcohol has on me (IF, AND ONLY IF, I TAKE THE FIRST DRINK). As long as I don't take the first drink, then everything is A OK!
I wish you the best!!!
I can tell you that I am not getting sober for her. Just like I didn't drink to hurt her. I drank because I am an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. I had to get sober for me. Now, since getting sober I have such a better relationship with her, I no longer disappoint her on a daily basis, I help her out so much more, and she has told me many times how much happier she is when I am sober and present.
Having said that, the life skills I've learned with regards to drinking have nothing to do with her or my kids. I look at it like, if I don't have recovery I don't have them. I love my wife and kids more than words can express but even they are no match for the physical impact that alcohol has on me (IF, AND ONLY IF, I TAKE THE FIRST DRINK). As long as I don't take the first drink, then everything is A OK!
I wish you the best!!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Welcome to the family. I'd strongly urge you to post your story in Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Not that we won't support you here, we will, it's just that they all have gone thru or are going thru situations like yours so have much experience and hope to offer you. Take good care of yourself, you can't control if she takes care of herself but you can take care of yourself.
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