beautifulgirl

So it has been about a month that my ah has been gone and things are ok but there are a few things I need some help with.

I am having nightmares almost every night. They are strange. My husband is the star of all of them and we are separating in different ways in all of the nightmares. Waking up out from these nightmares makes me relive the event everyday.

I also have poor self esteem. I care about what everyone else thinks when I should not and it is preventing me from hiring someone to help me with the kids because I am afraid they will think I am crazy, that my house is gross, and that I poorly take care of my kids. I have this illusion that everyone is better than me and always has been. Don't know what to do with that.

tam

hi beautifulgirl..
this is strange you posted this, for the last week I am waking up with horrible nightmares about my AH, in fact last night the dream was he died in front of me..I dont know why this is happening,maybe someone can chime in..
I too have low self esteem, there are times too that I think I dont deserve better, feel like a low life. I think addiction and seperation does this to us and
hoping it gets better, (which I can say it has since last year)thus why I am going to counseling.
We have to give it time I think, alot of wounds need to heal we were what I think of abused, I truly think that emotionally and my therapist has stated that it takes a toll on us. we just have to learn the recovery process and things we can do to help us along.
hang in there your doing great, try not to be so hard on yourself, I know easier said that done, but we have to keep going , hugs!!

tam

just wanted to add, dont feel bad about hiring someone to help with the kids, dont be ashamed or worry about what someone will think because I often found out that people dont think what we think it usually was the opposit,they were understanding.Once I opened up and told people about my situation I was surprised how many people also were affected somehow by addiction in their lives and were very understanding and supportive..

beautifulgirl

Hey Tam, Wow. Interesting that we have both been having nightmares.

Yeah, I know that I am really not as bad as I think but my low self esteem makes me feel that way. If I would just suck it up and hire someone it might be ok but I get all nervous and start saying stupid stuff instead of what I really think because I am nervous.

wicked

beautifulgirl,

maybe when hiring someone to help, you could tell them this.
"hello, i am a little shook up due to some major personal upheavals, and this is the first time i have hired someone to help me."
i am not downplaying your nervousness, but sometimes i have been hyper aware when nervous. I can see how people react and their body language says volumes.
Anyone expecting your house to be in perfect order with 5 children and a job needs to go work for someone else.
Maybe on the internet somewhere (i am sure) you can find instructions on how to hire household help and/or a nanny.

Beth

You have done the hard part. You can work on your self esteem a little at a time.
Think of your kids (thats what I did) and the hard part doesnt seem so hard.

tam

beautifulgirl, I was and still am nervous too, thus affecting my self esteem or visa virsa..let me tell you a story, my attorney told me I had to get 2 current market analysis on our home. I said fine.called 2 realtors in town, both I knew from growing up here. they told me they had to come see the house, I went into a panic and delayed it. no one has been in our home for years and that was due to addiction. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I let things go because I was in a dark hole while living with him, I knew this but couldnt approach it or fix it for years. I didnt care about the house like I used to. ha, I didnt even care about myself.
I thought we lived in a drug pen, its not dirty but not updated and I was so nervous to let the realtors in that I even put it off.finally my attorney said you better have these done by such and such or else..well that got me moving. I ran around all week cleaning. the day they arrived I thought I was going to pass out, I was so nervous and thought for sure they would think this was a drug pen and/or weird place..its me who is in a weird place.
well, the one realtor commented on my farm decor (I used to love to decorate with farm/country stuff in the kitchen and dining room)..they both
said it was a nice home and well kept..wow!!!!!!!! yeah its not updated,but its okay ,not as bad as I thought, why was I thinking all this stuff?
I truly believe for me, it was due to addiction. I need to work on that and to read that you and others feel the same things makes me understand more that Im not alone. to read about others recovery and seeing for myself how Im getting better slowly but surely is encouraging ...you can do it beautifulgirl!

beautifulgirl

Thanks Wicked and thanks Tam.

I can totally relate to your attorney/realtor story. I know that synopsis too well.

I am very hard on myself but my family really had an enlightening weekend. I created an incentive chart for each of the kids. I also posted 5 rules in each of their bedrooms along with responsibility charts. The kids now know specifically what they are responsible for doing throughout the day, what the rules are, what happens if they break the rules, and they get something special once a week if they do not break too many rules. So far it has worked very well. Granted it has only been 2 days but a better 2 days it has been.

laurie6781

Something I have noticed about dreams/nightmares like you have described.

After I was in recovery for my alcoholism and had been clean and sober for a while (I think the first one was at about 14 months) I would have a 'drinking dream/nightmare' and wake up in a cold sweat.

Then after my divorce from my 2nd husband (the sober alkie that took up gambling) I would get nightmares periodically about him.

I went back and looked at my journals and discovered that every time I would get one of those nightmares, my 'normal stress levels' had really amped up with other things going on in my life at the moment, whether it was job, or house repairs, or car repairs, etc

I still get them once in a while WHEN MY STRESS HAS INCREASED from the daily stress I live with.

Nothing scientific but I know for me that when I get over stressed I can expect nightmares.

Hope the above helps.

As to hiring someone to 'help with the kids' ...................... well if your house was in perfect order you wouldn't need help, lol and anyone expecting a 'perfect' house with 5 children is someone you wouldn't want to hire any way. I really like Beth's suggestion:

As to low self esteem, I do believe that even those that had great self esteem, after a few years of living with an A will lose their self esteem. Addiction is he!! and not just on the addict, it affects the familys and friends also!

Please give yourself some time, hire someone to help with the kids, so you can have some 'me time' to be nice to yourself once in a while, you have EARNED IT!!!!

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much and are here for you.

Love and hugs,

MsPINKAcres

Until I talked about it here and with other recovery friends - I never knew how common the nightmares where.

Just thinking of them can make me a little nauseated and it's been months since I have had one of them!!

Sending you Prayers & thoughts for peace & rest - I think it just takes time for our minds, hearts and bodies to heal from the many years of stress and trama!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

hello-kitty

Exactly!!! There is no shame in asking for help. The shame is when we need help but we are too proud to ask for it.