sailorjohn

Hoping this is a natural and healthy progression, but I was thinking about the relationship, doing things together with the ex, really just random thoughts, and it just struck me.

I started thinking, how could I have done this to myself?

Not so much wondering why, just that simple thought.

How could I have done this to myself.

Followed by about 10 minutes? of intense self-loathing.

As I wrote, hopefully a sign of progress.

wicked

and, now, thank god i stopped.

sailorjohn,
i am sorry for the self loathing. man that sucks.

Learn2Live

Care to share what it is you have done to yourself SailorJohn?

sailorjohn

Kept myself in that relationship.

For all that time.

In spite of everything I knew.

brokenheartfool

I am practicing thinking this: That I have done exactly what needed to happen when I did it, and not before. That everything happened for a reason. That all is not yet revealed. That things happen only when they could have happened. That in my present, I am doing what I can, doing the best I can NOW. That I can't do better than I am currently doing. That we all do our best, as hard as it may sometimes to believe. That I can find things to be grateful for any moment I want to look in that direction.
Easier said than done, but it feels like progress to me.

LexieCat

I agree with bhf. I don't know that self-loathing is a desirable way to feel. OTOH, I guess it has to be felt and acknowledged before it can be let go of.

It isn't a matter of "smart" or "not smart"--it was what we did at the time because it is very easy to get wrapped up in someone else's disease. What counts is what we do about it once we realize what has happened.

barb dwyer

Lexiecat wrote:
ANd that is the fundamental aspect of self forgiveness.
The starting point.
THe launching pad.

But we first have to realize it from the perspective
he's describing, IMO.

"Self - forgiveness"
was this ....
abstract notion to me.
A ... theory.
A ... hypothesis. A fictional state of being.

It took me YEARS of conceptualizing
to get any kind of ... grasp
of what that even MEANT
much less... manifest it.

I don't think it's self loathing
I think it's what I call 'distance'.
Seeing a reality for what it was
after the smoke of breaking up clears.

That's when the repair can begin, IMO.

Jus' sayin.

celticghirl

I get that a lot now,and it also makes me feel self loathing but now rather than run back to him i feel a great sense of peace from within knowing i made the right decision even if it did take me a while! x

Learn2Live

I sincerely wish you did not feel this way about yourself SailorJohn. I hear what some posters are saying on this thread but for some reason I have never been able to grasp the idea of forgiveness. Of either myself or anyone else. I don't know that I have ever forgiven anyone for anything. Instead, I think I have just accepted whatever it was for what it was, internalized that it was outside my control, and moved on. I've moved on from lots of horrible things done to me over the past 40 years. I guess in comparison what I've done to myself is nothing.

I'll be honest SailorJohn, I don't understand the self-loathing line of thinking. We do the best we can with the hand we have been dealt, dontcha agree that the same is true for you?

One thing I know for certain is that I had to learn to stop judging others in order to stop judging my Self. I'm not certain if this is helpful to you but perhaps the same could apply in your situation? Is there perhaps some viewpoint or generalization you have about her or others like her, that keeps you thinking that way?

I hope some small thing I've said here might be helpful to you. (((hugs))) Hope you're feeling better.

wicked

wow barb, i think i will come visit.
we can sit and drink this famous coffee, and manifest miracles.
what do you think?
i have already invited myself.
can you still see the canyon?
i believe i can manifest much with that view.

Beth

tallulah

I too wondered how in the hell I got caught up. After all, I'm supposed to be smart, capable, intuitive, resourceful, wordly wise! I beat myself up a little about being so gullible and 'stupid'.

But.. I'm human. I make some mistakes. First thing to do is feel the feelings.. then forgive yourself.. and then try to ensure you don't get in a position to feel them again.

Tx

RollTide

I agree with tallulah. For me it's more disbelief than self-loathing. I absolutely have trouble grasping how I went from being independent and strong to being, as tallulah put it, gullible and stupid. I just think, "How did that happen?"

tryintosmile

I've gone over that disbelief time and time again, and I'm still in it, and I'm still doing it. I think if we've all worked through some things about ourselves, we either consciously (or subconsciously) KNOW why we did it. It has taken me too many years to finally understand my own self-destructive pattern, and I'm hoping that when I'm finally free of the insanity, I will no longer self loathe, but instead really like myself for a change. What a concept!

sailorjohn

I think you're absolutely correct, it was the exact same feeling I got shortly after I got sober back around four years ago.

Just disbelief. The feeling that it was all so obvious now, why wasn't it so obvious before?

It didn't last as long this time.