barb dwyer

This is one of those things
that seem to happen to me quite regularly

but never manage to happen to other people.

OK -

I missed two days of school this week
with a stomach 'thing' that was 'going around'.
Almost HALF the student body was out with this
and several teachers.

ANYWAY -

I decide maybe a shower would help

so I get the bathroom all 'fired up'
I don't know about y'all but showering is a RITUAL with me.
(must be that Egyptian lifetime bleeding through)

So
remember I told y'all
that my apt building is over a hundred years old
historical status and all that
and my apartment is the HOTTEST apt in the building.
Old fashioned - steam radiator stuff.
There's nothing that can be done about it
so I get a cheap rent
and have to have a window open is sub-zero weather.
The average temp in here is usually in the 80's.
And that's with the windows open- AND A FAN going.

Yeah.
Thirty below zero
and I"m in the house in shorts.

I get out of the shower -

and there's a PIGEON sitting on my COUCH!!

YES!!!
An urban rat-a-saurus!!!!

He'd stuffed himself through a window
that was only open a max of three inches!
So I try to get past him to get to the window
to open it wide enough for him to fly out...

and my first thought is (al la Martha Stewart)
"Holy crap. He's gonna crap on my couch."
Holy crap. he's gonna crap.

OF COURSE he freaks out
and starts flying at the other windows!!!

WHAM! flup flup flup WHAM!
he'd stop and stand on the floor ...panting.
Little tongue hanging out and everything...
And I'm thinking OMG he's gonna crap...

It was like having a CHICKEN in the house!!

I'm in a TOWEL trying to get to the windows
to close the blinds on the other windows
so he'll know what window to go out...
thinking "I've already got the flu
please take your hantavirus and go"
OMG he's gonna crap. I just kNOW he's gonna crap...

he was hitting that window so HARD
I thought it was going to break the glass!!
I know they HAD to had heard the thumping all the way to the floor below.
AND
I thought it'd KILL itself
so I'm muttering,
"I swear to God I'll toss your carcass right out the fifth floor window"
"You crap in here and I'll shake and bake your ass I swear"

Feathers - everywhere!

Finally get the thing out
and I just stand there a minute and think...

who the hell else does this stuff HAPPEN to???
:rotfxko

-AND-
"How am I gonna write all this up for the guys at SR?

Can't even have the FLU
without a 'Wild Kingdom' moment.


anyhow -
just thought I'd share.

brokenheartfool

You made me laugh out loud Barb!

Lucky you. If only you had got it to poop on your head, which is considered in Italy a blessing. ha.

Somebody somewhere was having a very boring morning while you were running around entertaining your unannounced visitor.

barb dwyer

In a towel!

At twenty below!

YOu shoulda been there the night I almost let a porcupine in the house....

that was back when I lived on a ranch
and was working horses.

Lilly1

OMG!!!! I'd freak!

We did once have a bat get into the house thru the fireplace but fortunately he only took a few laps around the living room before flying out the patio door!

Lenina

((((barb)))) ROFL Only you, love! Thanks for giving me a smile and giggle for today. I'm glad the feathered freak found its way out without you having to murder it. I wonder if it's telling its friends about the sauna spa and work-out coach? LOL

Have a blessed day!!

Love,

Lenina

aasharon90

lol Talking about Wild Kingdom
Barb....I have a family of Racoons
that frequent our backyard each
morning. They even have family
quabbles and go swimming ...lol

I also have bird feeders filled to
feed the Doves and various other
birds flying in. At times there are
so many birds, it looks like a chicken
farm....lol So so many birds....

I love it tho.

When im riding in my car I always
see birds on the wires way up high
and think to myself that there's either
an AA meeting going on with just
a few birds, or a committee meeting
with more than a few and then there's
the convention with many many birds
gathered togther for a common purpose.

I do have one little love bird in my
house in a cage and 2 boy cats.

I know about crap.

LexieCat

I hate to say it, Barb, but that's the sort of weird sh*t that seems to happen to me, too.

Too bad your webcam wasn't on--it woulda made a great YouTube.

MissGuided

so funny!!! that made me LOL! I needed that today Barb - thanks!!

barb dwyer

Trust me -
the LAST thing the internet needs
is Barb Dwyer in a towel.

We all reach an age
where we look better
with our clothes....ON.

Sorry but that ship... has sailed.

but thanks for the laugh!

Tuffgirl

OMG! I am laughing out loud this morning, thank you! What a great story to share...

My Dad tells a story of a neighbor who had cats that caught a magpie (black & white bird a bit smaller than ravens) and brought it - alive - into the house and proceeded to shred it to pieces but the bird put up a heck of a fight...there was blood, feathers, and crap all over the living room, to the point it required professional cleaners.

I have only had a few close calls with critters - a young black bear pushed his head through the screen in a window one morning as I was cooking bacon in the kitchen. Luckily, his head got stuck momentarily and he gave up and I was able to shut the window quickly, but he lingered on the deck for a couple hours afterwards.

LexieCat

I remember there was a fire in my dorm room in college. I lived in a co-ed dorm, guys in one wing, girls in the other. My (single) room was directly across from the ladies' room.

One evening I plugged in my electric rollers and went across the hall to the shower. I was in the shower, and someone yelled in, "Lexie, did you leave a cigarette burning in your room?" I had my hair full of suds, and I yelled back, "No, why?" They yelled, "Because there's a lot of SMOKE coming out of your room!"

I threw a towel around me and ran out with my sudsy head, opened the door, and my paper-covered desktop was in FLAMES. Sparks were shooting out of the outlet where the rollers were plugged in.

So, I did the sensible thing, right? I ripped off that wet towel and threw it on the flames, which put the fire right out.

Except I now had a (co-ed) crowd at my open door.

Somebody yelled, "Put some CLOTHES on!"

Um, yeah.

brokenheartfool

Well shoot Lexie,
if we're going to do naked stories I have one...

Playing "chicken" in the lake...that's a girl atop each guy's shoulders, and we try to push off the other girl.
In my 20's. Bikini.
The guy on the other team unties my bikini top and I lose it in the lake but I don't know it...
I'm chasing him up the beach wondering why all the dads with wives and kids on their neat checkered picnic blankets are all STARING
finally realize I'm topless...omg...I'm a modest girl. Run back to the water to find my top.

dancingnow

Thanks for sharing your amusing story. Your writeup is very entertaining.

StarCat

:rotfxko

I love this thread.

I am laughing so loud I woke up my kitten.
(She just got her rabies shot this morning and has been sleeping it off all day.)

I am trying to think of a good one to share, but I can't come anywhere close.

Thank you!

theuncertainty

Barb, when I saw your post that you'd be starting a thread for an-only-Barb story, I immediately thought about the mentos and pop thread. I'm still tempted to try to get my older nephew to do that.

The pigeon was just cooooold and there you are chasing it around the place.

lillamy

OMG, Barb, I SO needed that laugh today!!!! Aahahhahahaaaaa....

I have a friend who got a bird in their car. Driving down the highway at 80 pop, driver's side window open, passenger side window closed. Bird comes careening in the driver's side window and smacks into the passenger side window and falls into my friend's lap, dead as a doornail.

You and her should probably try to avoid each other.

Impurrfect

(((Barb))) - those pigeons are something else. When I went for an interview at Grady (a HUGE hospital), was told to wait in the waiting room. In walks a one-legged pigeon..felt right at home, and no one bothered him, so I'm guessing this is a normal thing?

Stepmom said maybe he was there for a leg prosthesis

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

wicked

Those dang federal laws, ya gotta treat everybody now!

Barb, you might have to pay for treatment for that poor poop monster - i mean pigeon.
therapy.

NotTheMama

Well, I was having a particularly "crappy" day, and now I've laughed til I cried! Thanks for sharing this story!

Tuffgirl

I know, right? Re-read this again just now and I am ROTFL again! We need more of these threads to remind us all that life is just pretty darn funny sometimes!