IndigoBlu

Hi everybody, I'm new here & a bit confused as to where to start. My girlfriend of 4 years is addict to crack. In the past 4 years she has relapsed 2 times before this current. Usually when she relapses it lasts about 2-3 weeks and she stops and goes to Rehab. Well this time she has been gone since the Saturday after Thanksgiving. And this time when she stops she is facing 6-12 months state time for a parole voilation, which I know is a reason she is not stopping. I thought I knew about addiction and the hold it has on addicts but I am just learning. After she takes the first hit she is gone, its like nothing I witnessed before. I've tried to talk her into stopping all the wrongs ways, which I am learning now the right ways to try to handle her in her addiction. I've seen her once this whole time but she calls me a lot. I knew I finally reached my breaking point when I received a phone call from a private number and heard nothing but moaning and sexual activities going on in the background and a man's voice close to the phone laughing and hung up. My mind and heart went crazy. I lost my mind. My only conclusion was she was doing things with someone else while someone watched and dude thought it would be funny to call me, her girlfriend, to let me know what my girl was doing. Sickens me. That was it. I was in the worst pain I've felt in my life. When she is sober we have a very loving unseperable relationship. She denied it though and said it wasn't her, but I know what I heard and nobody else I know would ever do that to me, I don't know people so sick like that. I went to an Al-anon meeting and felt very uncomfortable but I read and I was going to share what ever came to mind but I cried instead. I feel so many mixed emotions and I'm not sure what I am to feel or how to act. Should I accept her phone calls? I asked her why she calls and she says I am the only reason she is still alive, that she needs to hear my voice and know I am still here. But I feel like if she knows I am still here then that is like an invitation to continue using because she will still have me when she stops. I don't want to ignore her because I am afraid she might harm herself and I don't want to leave her because I love the person she is sober and I don't want her to think I had given up on her. She tells me to just have faith and patience. I just don't know what to do. My thoughts and feelings are crazy. Thanks for reading, I apologize if it makes no sense.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!


Been there done that......for over 4 years.

My part, I was her occasional lover, chief enabler, father figure, best friend, sugar daddy.

When she needed those things.

I could relate the hideous details, but it would be pointless.

My best course of action, remove myself from the relationship-completely-and let her discover her own destiny.

Like you'll read here, can't be part of the solution, but I can definitely be part of the problem.

Dignity

If she was not an addict would you accept that type of behavior? I know its hard to step away but in this situation it may be best. If she doesn't have you to check in with maybe she will start making better choices for her life. Its so hard to have your heart hurt by someone you love. Its time, maybe, to take care of yourself for a bit. Hugs~

kiki5711

OMG!!!

Is that you Steve1840????

Your stories are identical.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ew-thread.html

Maybe you can help each other.

atalose

Indigoblue,

No, I don’t think your thoughts or feelings are crazy at all…….that’s what active addiction does to those of us who love them.

I do agree that you should protect and remove yourself from this relationship. She removed herself from a relationship with you 10 weeks ago so that she could continue to do drugs and other things with other people, period.

That phone call was extremely disturbing and hurtful, and the part that spoke volumes to me was when you said “she denied it thought and said it wasn’t her, but I know what I heard and nobody else I know would ever do that to me. She is someone you NOW know that is, that sick and would allow something that hurtful into your life.

I learned on SR that you need to get YOURSELF into a life boat and row away from the sinking ship………………you can always go back for survivors later on but you gotta paddle yourself away before you get sucked under with it.

I also learned on SR to NOT make ourselves their only salvation – being afraid she will harm herself without you! She’s going to do that with or without you, that’s just a fact.

I think if you keep posting on SR, keep attending al-anon, and begin NO CONTACT you will begin to learn and see things that you are unable to right now because you are right square in the middle of it all.

I left my addict BF in Nov then had to go NO CONTACT in Dec because of all the crazy making behavior his addiction was causing the both of you. Today will be 7 weeks of no contact and I am seeing things much clearer, sure it hurts and sure I morn the loss of this relationship, but I was dying a slow death from his addiction and today I’m not. Any loss is hard to take, hard to get over and the faith and patience we must keep has to be for ourselves!!!!

Please keep posting, it’s helped me so much to reach out and talk about my loss, talk about my hurt feelings and all these wonderful people here helped me get my mind around addiction, the patterns and cycles of addiction and what addicts do.

Kindeyes

IndigoBlu
Welcome to SR. It's very hard to love an addict. And it hurts to be abused in any way by someone you love. Since you go to meetings, you probably already know the three c's. You cannot control her.....but she is manipulating you by doing whatever she pleases, and then telling you that she can't go on without you. It's all manipulation and addicts do it very well. They know how to push our buttons. It's up to us to decide whether we'll let them continue to do so.

gentle hugs

tam

welcome indigoblu,
you are confused because thats what addiction does to us.please keep reading on here and educate yourself about addiction and how it affects you.
most importantly learn about the addict and what they do to us and how you can remove yourself from the situation and seek your own recovery. I know its a crazy journey for you,but once you know the tools to let go you will see your world change.
hope you can do it, keep seeking support!

IndigoBlu

Thank you everyone. I think that I think too much, if that makes sense. I "think" that if you love someone then you shouldn't give up on them. I know that you have to accept that you are powerless over the addict and addiction. And it also teaches us that while a person is in their addiction then thats not really "them" its the addiction. So I feel like I should accept the pain of her "tricking" to get money/drugs, her lies and manipulations because thats not really her, thats not who she is when she is sober. I also feel like that inbetween her highs that she should have some sort of thought process in her head and she can see the hurt she is causing herself and everyone but that she just don't care about it. I feel like I don't want to abandon her because 1. I love the person she is sober and 2. everyone in her life, including her family, except her sister-in-law has abandoned her, judged her and put her down instead of taking the time to understand her and her disease. There are just so many questions that I don't know the answers to or understand. Also, should I not answer her phone calls, or tell her I can't talk to her while she is in active addiction because it hurts, or should I just keep the converstation casual as in..Hi, hope your staying safe and just let her vent whatever she needs to say? I am so glad to have found this site, it gives me some comfort to know that I am not the only one dealing with this. None of my family or friends understand and think that I am crazy, and I'm starting to feel crazy. Also, this is my first message board so I'm not too sure how to use it.

atalose

Yes family and “normal”(un-affected by addiction) friends just don’t understand. They too love us and don’t want to see “us” hurt by someone else; it’s very hard to understand – loving an addict.

The one thing I have learned is that, there is no “in-between’ the highs where the brain is still not affected by the drugs. You are still trying to deal with or expect a saturated drug brain to function with rational thoughts and processes, – that is not going to happen until they have abstained from the drugs for a period of time. And we are talking weeks, months here.

How long has your gf been involved with drugs? You mentioned you have been with her for 4 years, was there a prior history that maybe her family has dealt with for far longer then you have? Maybe her family has not reached for help to understand her addiction or maybe they have and their “tuff love” is the only way they can cope with it.

Tell me more about these phone calls from her, how often is she calling you? When she does call is she looking for anything specific like money? A place to stay? A ride someplace? Or is she just looking to shoot the bull?

IndigoBlu

Atalose, she has been involved with drugs long before me, for about 17 years now. She has lost a marriage due to drugs, it was an unhealthy marriage to start with because they both were crack addicts. She has 5 children and has lost them as well. When she is sober she gets involved with them, sees them, we had custody of one before her 2nd relapse. She really doesn't have a family to start with. Her mother lives in Fl. and is an alcoholic, her father is dead, her sister is a recovering drug addict and her brother is a gambler. So addiction sorta runs in her family I guess. But she was never shown any real love growing up as a child and all the relationships she's been in were with other drug users. I believe I am the first, non addict that she has been with.

She is in PA using. I came to SC to clear my head and try not to have a front row seat of her addiction because in the past I would go looking for her, and put both of us, more so myself in harmful situations. When she calls, she tells me she loves me, misses me and that I am the only thing keeping her alive. She has told me time and again that she was going to turn herself in, that she is sick and tired, that she feels like its almost the end, without me even asking her, but I've learned not to believe it. She doesn't ask me for money or any of that. Sometimes she wants me to come get her so she can be with me. She tells me how she doesn't want to go to jail. And sometimes she tells me about the things she is doing, which I would rather not hear about like owing a dealer money so he shows up at the hotel room where she is with some other female smoking crack and the other female has to pay him some money so he don't hurt them, or having a gun held to her head. How she walks down the streets not hiding from anyone and if the cops or PO picks her up then its meant to be. Just random things. She asks me to call her PO and talk to her, which I have talked to her PO's supervisor and asked what charges and time she is looking at which is just a Parole voilation for not showing up 6-12 months. She wouldn't accept that answer and wants me to call her PO on Monday and talk to her personally. I feel like its all a stall tactic. I still don't understand the phone calls though, am I doing more harm or good by accepting them and just talking to her. When I talk to her I have stopped trying to convince her to stop. I told her I am starting to work on my own recovery and that I accept her addiction as a disease and that I can't control her. She calls me at least once a day or every other day. I am the only person she calls.

atalose

She’s lost a marriage, she’s lost 5 children, she’s lost you (kind of), she’s gone to jail and she still hasn’t seem to hit her bottom! That’s telling you something! She’s just not ready to stop, doesn’t want to give up it up yet.

You moved away to work on your recovery, how is her daily phone calls to you affecting that recovery?

She’s a grown woman, she puts herself in situations then expects some kind of sympathy from you, it’s how she keeps you hooked, it’s how she keep you involved. Now she wants YOU to call her PO, I agree with cynical one…..she’s capable of doing that herself IF SHE TRULY WANTED TO. It’s kind of like setting you up to be the bad guy in the long run.

Maybe you truly need a break, try turning your phone off for a few days to clear your head. You’ve gotten physical distance by moving away, now you need some emotional distance. Nothing wrong with stepping back for a bit.

rose

Welcome to SR,

Glad you found us, lots of support here. My husband was the addict in my situation, it distroyed our marriage of 17 years, I can so relate to the pain and emotions that you are going through and your post made total sense. When I was in your shoes I went out searching for help to get through to my husband, I joined al-anon, came here in hopes of the cure, only soon to learn I had to cure myself and there was not one single thing that I could do or say that was going to change what he was doing. The only thing that I have learned about an addict is What they do not what I want them to do. To get ourselves out of the insanity and pain from the actions of an addict we have to learn to look after ourselves. It is not an over night process, but it is daily progress.

Rose

sailorjohn

In the rooms we have a saying 'your best thinking'. I never gave up on her, still hope for a good outcome for her, but finally accept the fact that I have no control over her side of the street. I'm trying to concentrate on my side of the street, something that I have some control over.

Toby Rice Drews makes the statement that's it's nearly impossible to separate the addict/alcoholic from the person inside. And that has been my experience.

You may be fortunate enough to get some input from a few of the recovering crack addicts in this forum, but I don't think you have any idea who she really is. How could you? My ex is the same way, I used the same excuses, no friends, no family-she's adopted, no siblings, her Moms' dead, her Dad is a chronic alcoholic.

Thing is, she could have an outstanding support system with a lot of real friends if she got clean. She chooses her 'friends'. The people that will support her addiction. That included me.

Btw, my ex used almost the same words to describe the way I treated her, I was 'putting her down' I didn't 'understand' her.

The only thing I needed to accept was the fact that she is an addict, and she possibly is never going to recover. So, I have two choices, go down with her, or walk away and save myself. All the pain I allowed in my life didn't benefit her, and it only benefited me to the extent that it was what I needed to learn the lessons I needed to learn.

So, if you have all these answers, then what? You share with her and voila!. She sees the truth of her life?

I tried that repeatedly. If only I did the right thing or used the right words she would change.

No contact works, ime, for us. My thinking, which was never that good to start with, became extremely distorted while I was in the relationship. Stepping back and completely away from it has helped tremendously, not to mention the added benefit of having some peace and a little serenity in my life. And I'm not sadistic, I have absolutely no desire to witness anyone hurting themselves like that. Especially someone I love.

Well, that crazy does rub off, also my experience. But when you step back and start taking care of yourself, you can regain your sanity.

coffeedrinker

Hey, Indigo,
Welcome to this board. I hope you experience the support and guidance that very many of us have, and that you keep coming around.

You stated a ton of things in the original post that I could have written myself.

I had a tape playing in my head for years that said, "I want to be the one person who has never abandoned him" about someone I finally left last spring. Oh, I miss him all the time, it still hurts and I truly believe I will not have the fierce love again - not the same kind of love, anyway.

Better love is just around the corner, and I feel blessed every day for where I'm at and the people in my life.

You are doing the right, albeit painful, thing. The phone call sounds over-the-top awful.

Last week my Aunt and Uncle cremated their son, who died of alcoholism (never woke up; suffocation was the official cause of death).
Some people simply never recover.

IndigoBlu

Good morning everyone. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. I've always tried to keep an open mind in life, but when it came to her I was stubborn and closed minded because I thought that I knew the right things to do, which I am learning I don't. I feel better this morning, for now, I know it won't always feel like this, I will doubt and have mixed emotions because I am in my own early recovery. But I called her last night but she didn't answer so I texted her after a lot of thought and consideration. I explained to her that I was letting her addiction go, that I refuse to be sick with her. I explained that she may not care that she is hurting me but that I care she is hurting me. That she may not be ready to let go of her addiction, but I am. I told her that I wasn't giving up on her, just her addiction. And I got this reply back within minutes..."Baby I'm sick and dead tired. Can't stay awake. Will call you when I wake up. I love you." So I responded with "No baby, please. I love you. But I am serious. I want the woman I fell in love with back. Your not that woman, your a product and slave to your addiction. My gf loves me, your addiction don't. I am letting your addiction go. Please understand. Some part of my gf has to be in there somewhere to understand and not want me to hurt anymore." To which I got this reply..."I will see you then on the other side of the bridge. The bottom of it. Thanks for abandoning me when I needed you the most. Hope you don't regret your decision." Normally, I would have fell into that manipulation self pity tactic but I replied..."I am not abandoning you and I am sorry you feel and see it that way. But thats not my gf talking thats the addiction because my gf knows that I love her. I won't fall into the manipulation tactics no more. Your addiction is selfish to ask me to hold on to it. I am letting go and working on myself so that I may be a stronger, healthier person. And when your ready, you will let it go too. But I refuse to be sick with you anymore. If I hold onto your addiction I will end up resenting you. And no I won't regret my decision because I know thats the best decision. I can't control you or your addiction. I am letting go and letting god, if my gf comes back then thats what is suppose to happen, if not thats not my fault because I offer her my love and support, its up to her to accept it. And thats like your crack pipe telling you that it hopes you don't regret letting it go when you say your done and getting help for a better, happier way of living full of peace, love and happiness. Instead of the life your living now with the pipe. Make sense now? I hope so. And if you don't, then when my gf comes back someday, she will understand. Until then I pray for you." After all that said I got no response back. I feel pretty good about my decision. And I hope that it was the right one, it feels like it was. I get overwhelmed to think about the future so I try to stay in the present, one day at a time. If she calls it will be hard to not answer because I will wonder what it is she needs to be calling me for but I know I shouldn't answer. Now its time to start working on me. I feel there is so much wrong with me I don't even know where to begin. But I think I made the first step towards my own recovery last night when I let her addiction go. Thank you again everyone, you and my HP has given me the strength to believe in something more. =)

rose

That all sounds good as long as you are prepared to follow through with what you tell her. It is very hard if not impossible to regain ourselves if we keep them involved in our lives...texing, e-mailing, calling, spying...all keeps the desease alive within us.
It is hard I know, but it is our survival in the end.

Rose

coffeedrinker

Oh, Indigo, what a message! You nailed it, you said all the right things, and you mean it.

You have taken a very large, very difficult step. Way to go.

Is there any way you can block her number? I understand that you don't want to completely shut the door....just in case....but I do worry that you will answer that phone call and it's very easy to get sucked back in.

Please just keep doing what you're doing, and come here often. This place was a lifeline for me, many hours were spent wallowing in my muck, reading and posting.

Peace...

Seren

Wow, they do seem to all read from the same playbook, don't they?

I think you handled it with loving detachment.

Hugs and prayers to you as you move forward.

HG

hello-kitty

Hi and welcome. I suggest you read all you can on this website including the stickies at the top of the page. This one is very helpful and will help you understand the ugly truth about what an active addict is capable of... and not capable of. We must protect ourselves or we will lose everything to their addiction. There is nothing you can do. You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, you can't CURE it.

IndigoBlu

Coffeedrinker, I could block her but she usually calls me from a restricted number then. I haven't heard anything from her since I told her what I needed to do, yet, which sorta worries me that she hasn't called because she is very stubborn. I hadn't plan on answering if she did, I want her to know I am serious this time and I am not allowing myself to be pulled into her addiction with her anymore. I've been keeping myself pretty occupied and reading a lot of literature. Thoughts of worry cross my mind and I want to call her just to make sure she is okay, but I don't actually do it and I remind myself that I have to worry about me, that she is a grown adult who can take care of herself.

Hello-Kitty, thank you for that. It broke my heart, but they say truth hurts I guess. It was like a reality slap in the face.