NEOMARXIST

I know that I got into the habit of starting to beat myself up mentally for various things that I saw myself doing, or not doing. The fact is that I shouldn't do this as actually then it's perfectly reasonable to behave as I do. My biggest resentment throughout my active alcoholism was myself, I started to resent myself again and for the fact that I felt like a kid in certain situations. I appreciate that my emotional development (call it what you will) was severely affected by my drinking and thinking. Basically throughout the formative years where many skills that people take for granted are learned then I was getting wrecked in pubs, playing gigs in pubs clubs and then getting wrecked,getting wrecked alone to music and music DVD's of my favourite bands or never picking up the skills and experiencing natural social anxiety and consequently learning how to deal with it. So it's only natural that these feelings can appear raw and uncomfortable.

It's remarkable to think that 2 days ago when I first posted again after a break on SR then I was getting to the stage where I was bed-ridden and feeling hopeless again (something I hadn't felt in my recovery) because I was letting my mind run away with self-punishing thoughts. However luckily I managed to recognise this and the past two days I have felt back to where I need to be.

Another thing I mustn't do is compare myself to others who ain't alcoholic/addicts talking about there lives and what they're getting upto at the weekend or whatever. I am proud of my recovery and I am learning these sills that feel so alien to me at times. i was feeling embarassed too i suppose that I felt like a vulnerable 17 year old kid. But that's Ok as for me then this living thing is all new. I shouldn't be too hard on myself - I am proud of my recovery and what I've achieved and that for me then baby steps forwards is the way it has to be - sometimes I can get frustrated but i know in time I will be rewarded for the effort I am making.

I have to remember that much of what I am doing may seem small compared to comparing to other people, however I remember how life used to be for me when i was waking up in police cells or sitting on benches drinking myself to oblivion feeling totally lost and signing on for 10 months at the job centre. I would look at me now and be proud that I'm doing my best to progress forwards in my life. As I said to somebody today over a Coffee then the last 19 months has been building my life back again - it takes time and I'm doing what needs to be done to put my recovery at the No1 priority. As I was shown only a couple of days ago then my life would quickly go to the gutter and so for me then my recovery has to come first. I am learning all of the skills/techniques that I never picked up because of my alcoholism and I'm sure things will get easier.

There is no point beating myself up for stupid things like not getting a phonenumber or whatever. It's all new to me as I was always wrecked when i used to get numbers so now I have to just ask. It really ain't that difficult and that's a revelation.

sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

Peace

joedris

First, stop beating your self up because you beat your self up. That's a never ending, vicious cycle. You have a disease and it's not your fault. You didn't ask to be an alcoholic, nor did you ask for all the things the disease did to you. What happened to you happened to all of us, just not in the same manner sometimes. You're not responsible for being an alcoholic, only the things you do because you drink.

I suggest you stop focusing on what's wrong with life and start focusing on the solution. It looks like you're finally getting a good handle on what you need to do, so keep heading in that direction. Get out of the past. You can't change it. Live in today. Take baby steps. Recovery doesn't happen in a flash. It took you a long time to get to your bottom. It'll take time to get well again, too. Be patient. Just do the best you can. One day at a time.

Anna

Neo, be very proud of how far you've come with your recovery.

I am also very hard on myself and have to constantly remind myself to ease up. I have found that Eckhart Tolle's words are very calming when I feel like this.

This is a good one:

YouTube - Eckhart Tolle on Being Yourself

Dee74

I agree with Anna - we go back a ways now - you've had a long, sometimes hard, but amazing journey to be where, and who, you are now.

You should be proud of that

D

recycle

It is a fine distinction between realizing you are responsible for where you are, and blaming yourself for where you are. I get tripped up here all the time. Examining my actions with a real sense of gentleness and keeping in mind my intention at the time helps me a great deal. Doing my best at whatever I am doing, also helps to remove negative connotations when I examine the consequences of my actions.

24hrsAday

+1 what recycle said here Neo..

jamdls

Good to read a post from you Neo, I didn't see the 1 a couple of days ago and wondered where you'd been. You always have great insite into yourself don't ever lose that, you've come a very long way and you should be proud, it's only natural too sometimes feel down and wonder what it's all for you just can't get let that feeling go on for too long and sounds like you haven't. I'm proud of you.

artsoul

Thanks for voicing that, NEO!

The hardest thing for me to do is to love myself and be patient with myself. There's always a long list of things I "haven't done." I'm trying to realize that no matter how fast I work, I will never be at the end of that list. That's hard to accept. Even worse is when I think I AM that list......

The truth is, we are valuable in and of ourselves. I can give myself a hug occasionally these days. Self-appreciation is something I never, ever, ever got while drinking. It feels good to be growing again.

You're doing great, really - some people don't have the insight you do EVER.

Danae

That is a beautiful thought, Artsoul, and one I certainly forget. Thanks for the reminder

Zebra1275

I've beat myself up in the past, than drank to feel better, and then beat myself up again. It is a vicious cycle. I can be awful hard on myself, much harder than others are.

As far as comparing yourself to others, you need to realize that you are only seeing their life, as they present it to the world. You don't know what kind of crap they are going through internally, everyone has "issues."

Thoreau once said that "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." The honesty of that quote makes me realize how important the spiritual aspect of AA is.

Kjell

Zebra - THAT is an amazing quote. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Neo - I can relate to a lot of what's in your post. Try to understand that there is going to be much you'll just simply never know.

Would your life have been "better" had it gone differently? Well, maybe, but what is "better"?

...and this brings me right back to the quote above. Man, we've got an unbelievable opportunity here. Two lives in one!

I look around, I see people, they seem lost to me and they don't even know it.

I think considering everything, we've got one heck of a deal and MUCH to be grateful for.

What's next?

Kjell

coffeenut

I have finally learned not to compare myself to others.

Here's how: I've had others tell me that I led a very charmed life. Nice home, nice family....you get the drift. But you know what, I didn't have a charmed life. I was a drunk. Many other 'things' that weren't so charmed.

So...for anyone to want that would be like wanting to have a nightmare.

When you see the lives of others, you only see the outside. You don't see what happens behind closed doors.

What you do is important. Not one other person.

I'm really glad you're here, Neo. You always make me think.

ReadyAndAble

Glad you're back, Neo. I read a lot of your posts when I first found SR, and gained a lot from them. This latest one is a perfect example. Good to know there will be more coming!

NEOMARXIST

Recovery for me has always been about peace of mind. I've always said that if I'm sober and happy about it then I'm where I need to be.

I've got my balance back again now and I am happy and content with my recovery again. It's a great feeling and I appreciate it so much, as experiencing my mental health deteriorate rapidly was a stark reminder as to why I am doing what I'm doing and doing it the way that I'm doing it. It's great to have peace of mind and hope, something that in my drinking days I never had. To take a drink would be to erase all hope from my life and quite honestly would be the final straw for me.

I feel good and that is so precious to me and I'm just grateful for it. I love to feel grateful for merely not feeling sad, depressed and restless.

I thank every single one of you at SR who has welcomed me back and showed me nothing but support and best wishes. It has really helped me so much and I truly am grateful to you all. I have pride in my recovery and my sobriety and feel truly connected again. I can share here at SR, AA and with joe average with true passion again, I am just so grateful for that.

I love just listening to my music and feeling at peace with my self.

Peace

Toronto68

Neo, this might be more of a Cafe kind of question (there are sections that are more social way down the site and one of them is called Cafe), but: are there certain kinds of music that you are including or EXcluding? You say that you are more at peace with hearing the music now, and I wonder whether you were "consuming" any music that contributed to getting off emotional track recently.

I don't really have anything that I faithfully avoid in particular, although there might be some exceptions: I notice I have not really pulled out any Trent Reznor or very much harder stuff. I've gone kind of pop. I think there was an arrogant phase in me about 3 years ago and I sort of associate the music with that. Or maybe I am just not in the mood. I'm not looking to overthink it, as there are plenty of other things just sitting in the rack too.

I also notice I can't take very much violent TV or film. Lots of channel flipping when it comes to that.