Thumper

What do you make of this email sent from treatment…He’s at the end of the 30 day inpatient program.

I’m not even sure why I’m asking. We are divorced now and I’ve no intention of restarting a personal relationship. I did not respond to that and don't plan to. OK, to be honest I’m kind of cynical about it and wondering if others, that have seen recovery or been through recovery, can offer insight. I’m sure this is ‘co-dependent’ but I feel bad and anxious for being cynical and want to either have some validation of that or be set straight if someone has a more positive insight. I realize no one can be inside his head but I’m not a good judge. There might be nothing he could do that I wouldn’t be cynical about ya know? I'm feeling triggered I suppose. I’m not even sure why it matters at this point but it does matter to me because I’ve wrote and deleted this post about three times since I received the email. :banghead:

JenT1968

he's earned your cynicism, it's just a feeling, neither good nor bad, you can note it and move on, and it doesn't matter if you turn out to have been right or wrong about the email, it is just a feeling.

he appears fairly self-obsessed still, whilst the email is about not being able to cope with his boys having a "broken" home, the result of his anxiety is not a rush to sort out ways to minimise the harm on his children, just the effects this broken picture has on him. Plus he knows why this happened to his family. IDK though, when I am anxious or depressed I'm pretty self-obsessed too.

time will tell xx

coyote21

I'm thinking QUACK, but what do I know.


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Seren

Hi Thumper,

I must admit that reading that made me feel very manipulated. He states he does not want a response or feedback, but seems to be fishing for some reassurance that you will eventually reconcile with him.

I would have ignored it, too, and probably deleted it!

Hugs to you, HG

brokenheartfool

It's part of what he is working on. I'm sure guilt is a huge factor. But! It's his feelings, he owns them.
I think the trick here is that you don't take his feelings on as your own!
It is an apology of sorts. Accept it, and continue on with your life.

As for you--it's good that you shared and that might help you simply by sharing and letting it out. Everything that you have in your head that you share means one more thing you release like setting a balloon free, it's a thought set free to now roam the internet skies.
You don't have to carry it anymore!

fulloffaith

I think it is interesting how so many "recovering" alcholics compare themselves to others who are worse off. My AH used to come home from alanon and talk about how bad off others lives were. Its like "wake up" your own life is in shambles. Do they just not see that for what it really is? I agree that it seems a little manipulative.

More important...What do YOU think? Do you think responding to him would provide YOU any peace or happiness?

StarCat

Maybe he is thinking about those feelings, but you know what I noticed? Not once did he take ownership of them. "Why did this happen to us?" "I just keep thinking about the boys and why did this have to happen?" "I wanted better for our boys and us and that is hard for me."

Even if he's trying to confront his demons, he is still in manipulation city, the way it sounds to me. But that's just me.

Thumper

Right – I need to remember that.

Nothing new there – nothing at all. I want him to get up and fight for himself and his kids but that really isn't his character and never has been.

Thank you! Me to

Thank you so much for your response. It feels manipulative to me too – which ticks me off. Family and children is the one hook he has. I’m very susceptible to that manipulation (and so don’t always trust my perception) and he knows it because it is the only thing that has worked. I no longer get hooked but it still pains me.

Ahhh. You are on to something there. Back to that same old thing where his feelings affect me more profoundly then my own. I need to get over that! Thank you for pointing it out.

Exactly – I don’t have anyone IRL to talk to so it has just been sitting there. I feel better already.

No kidding, and where was this close family built on team work? Sometimes I wonder if we were ever living in the same house – or even on the same planet!

Hells no. I have no intention of responding

Right. I read the undertone as blame it on me but that might be a little projection and over sensitivity on my part. It isn't always about me after all!

laurie6781

Let's see. He is at 30 or so days into recovery. 30 to 60 days seems to be the:

"Why Me Stage"

"The Pitty Pot Stage"

Not yet in a position to accept responsibility for one's own actions so is still using the 'old ways' of MANIPULATION and QUACKING.

I think you handled this very well by not responding.

You continue to move forward in recovery (((((Thumper))))) and that makes my heart smile!

Love and hugs,

brokenheartfool

I agree with Laurie.

From what I've read--30 days is just like waking up. He's just at the stage of starting to process reality, what is really happening, as opposed to drunken fantasy of life.

Imagine waking up, like from a time capsule. That's where he is. He has an incredible amount of work ahead of him.

Jazzman

As a father of two boys who struggled to keep my 1st marriage together for the sake of the boys... they're much better off that we divorced. My 1st marriage ending had nothing to do with alcohol, we just had a good run and it burned out. Took me a while to admit it to myself but I had some preconceived notion that our kids would some how turn out different being from divorced parents. What a crock, they're' fine and so am I since my 1st wife and I were no longer trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

In other words, regardless of the reason, his worries about the boys are unfounded. If he really wants the best for his boys he would be the best Father he can be, regardless of his relationship status. Successful parenting is not contingent upon a successful marriage.

He's on the pity pot and that's no place for a father.

Thumper

Thank you Laurie!

Yes he has a lot of work. I hope he decides to stay right there and work on it where he has access to the same program and aftercare they offer. If he comes back here with no house, no job, and no recovery plan his chances are very very slim.

And thank you too Jazzman. Your post really does offer me a lot comfort.

I sure hope he gets that message up there.

Shellcrusher

Could be his recovery but I suspect a quack.
In the end, it doesn't sound like it's part of your recovery.

Thumper

Ha- Nope! Good point!

Bolina

I often wonder WTF goes on in these 30 day programs. Thousands of $ and 30 solid days of therapy and meetings for what? What I wouldn't have given at times for a straight 30 days of support and guidance in my recovery without having to concern myself much with what was going on outside the perimeter of an insitution.

Thumper, when I first read that extract I thought he was blaming you in a "look what you've done, you've screwed up the dream for the kids AND I even have to have more help because I am so much more screwed up about this that other people who have not had it so bad" kind of way, without actually coming out and saying it.

I get that breaking through the cognitive dissonance is difficult. Heck, every single one of us on these boards have had to do so to a greater or lesser extent.

Agree hugely with Jazz - being the best parent to a child has nothing to do with marital legalities.

tallulah

I get the feeling you are supposed to feel whistful, regretful, sad, guilty, anxious, hopeful, miserable. All the stuff he is feeling (or alluding to feeling) in his email.

I don't see any ownership coming from him in that extract. Just some fist to the sky and 'whyyyyy meeeee'.

When he's actually emailing you about why him.. then it might look like progress.

Just my HO.

Tx

Tuffgirl

I second this. The email, although probably sincere and the feelings of guilt well earned, he didn't say anything that jumped out at me as someone taking responsibility for the aftermath. After 90 days, I still hear a lot of "why me? poor me!! boo-hoo I'm a victim and you're the meanie!" from my RAH. Not much responsibility there, either.

I have struggled with wondering WTF with AA? Isn't this what the program is supposed to teach? And then I realize that my RAH has long been a liar and manipulator, probably hears the message loud and clear but still can't get past his defiance and arrogance long enough to internalize it. Sad.

wicked

Beth comes in the room.
"Ya wanna know what goes on in rehab?"
"If you want it bad, really really bad, you can get the tools you need to live life on its terms. Otherwise, a waste of everyones time and money."
I quit drinking Aug 18th but didnt go to rehab for six weeks until late March.
In between the pink cloud and my prozac starting to work, I was very nearly grabbing people and saying happily "I am an alcoholic! I am getting treatment!"
(Imagine me wearing combat boots and forest green BDU's)
I went to every English speaking meeting I could get too.
I wanted to get better for myself and become a better parent for my children.
When I wasnt at work, I took them to the little park on post or got some ice cream.
Enjoying my children, enjoying my life.

I was afraid to live without alcohol. I had been drinking my entire adult life (other than pregnancies, i was no hero, i just could not keep it down thank goodness).
when i loosened the death grip (i thought i had on others), I could relax.

The day is coming Thumper, because you are a quick study, when you will look at that email not with a cynical eye, but a critical eye, and immediately know what is wrong.
Your guts are telling you, it will take some time for the words to match.

Beth

PS
Bolina, sadly most people there looked at it as a punishment. (We were all active duty military). We had some of the best counselors and care the Army could provide. It was lovely to concentrate on me for 6 six weeks. But, oh, some of the pain that came up. Now it is out, and I am doing pretty damn good.

smacked

It's better to be from a broken home than to be raised in one. I truly believe that.

And he is 30 days into recovery. I couldn't even barely find my own ass at 30 days, much less begin processing or wanting to reconcile any relationships I had destroyed in my path.

That email is dripping in self pity, self centeredness, and guilt tripping. How dare he.

Glad you didn't respond. Sorry you're feeling triggered. I guarantee that email had absolutely nothing to do with you, your children, or your family.

vujade

I get similar monologues. I recognize them now as an attempt to make HIMSELF feel better rather than an attempt to make amends. Sad that we have all been conditioned to read seemingly kind and sincere words with such a large spoonful of cynicism. However, I have decided that I would rather misjudge a sincere person and come to know them for what they are later than to overlook behaviors of an addict and come to know THEM for what they are later.

I LOVE what Jazzman said. I repeatedly tell my XAH that the beauty of life is that HE gets to choose the relationship he has with his kids. Not only does it not depend on me now...it never did.