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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Planet Earth
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Hello all---My first post...today is Day 34 sober so yay me. 
I've been reading many posts here for the past month that have really helped to solidify my decision to quit my excessive drinking. I just hope I can be sucessful at it as Day 34 is just a little hatchling in the grand scheme of things...
I can say without a doubt that as I enter my 2nd month sober, I feel VOLUMES better physically than I did 35 days ago. So that's a good thing...
I guess I should share a little about me and how I came to be here writing this post...
I began drinking in my early 20's....(41 this year) the usual going out with friends & partying etc...though I always felt that alcohol didn't "agree with me"---like my body would physically reject it and I would always get sicker from drinking than any of my friends did.
Yet i still drank because "if everyone else could, then why shouldn't I"....(duh)
Well, it didn't really escalate until my mid-30's---this is when my life changed irrevocably and I ramped up the drinking literally overnight to maximum level....
I lost my hearing in 2005. And as one can expect, this frightened the dickens out of me....imagined being suddenly sealed up inside your body unable to communicate with the rest of the world again! This is what it felt like initially---like being sealed up inside my body disconnected from the world.
Alcohol became a huge comfort for me...for the first 2 years I slept with all the lights on out of fear--I had the irrational fear of losing my sight too, so I kept lights on everywhere.
In the span of just one month of my life I lost hearing, quit my longtime job, threw out all my belongings, sold all my furniture, sold my house, packed up my car & drove clear across the country to be with other Deaf people---as this was now going to be my life.
Had someone told me even a month prior to all this, I would not have believed it and laughed! But it was oh so real...
The Deaf Community didn't exactly welcome me with open arms as i was an "outsider" to them...growing up hearing, I wasn't "one of them"....I learned that the hard way.
Yet I was no longer welcome anymore in the "Hearing World" either....no one has the time to write to the deaf person...I lost all my hearing friends after a while....Sure they promise to stick around---but you know how that goes---eventually they leave.
So I found myself on my own little island in the world...no house, no job, no friends....and no hearing....this is when alcohol became my everything.
It couldn't leave me, didn't get exasperated when I didn't understand them, didn't laugh at me for not hearing, didn't cast me off as unimportant. Alcohol became my security blanket.
This went on for the past 6 years....the first 3 years were heavy vodka, rum & tequila until I began having the blackouts which scared me to death so I backed off that very successfully....Thankfully fear is a huge motivator for me...
So I chose wine as my escape which worked well for the next 3 years---no blackouts so I thought I was ok....wrong.
Last summer I began to feel the bloating in my right abdomen....it felt like a balloon in there and i stupidly wondered if I was developing a tumor...It wasn't until last month that I discovered this place, and reading posts, that I realized it was my liver being abused. How ignorant to have not made that connection myself.
I also began to develop a perpetual red face, I would smell of alcohol for 2 days after my bender, which would consist of 2 bottles of cabernet...sometimes 3 in an evening before passing out.
I would not go outside anymore for fear of others smelling the 'drunk' on me so many days were wasted just sitting inside waiting to detox....it got to the point when even my apt began reeking of alcohol....the fumes coming off me were permeating the air.
Night sweating...soaked sheets....headaches....hangovers that were once linmited to the next morning...would now last for DAYS.
All this was my body telling me I guess to STOP.....it wasn't until the bloating feeling in my liver that I got scared and stopped cold last month.
I'm still deaf....that will never change and i'm realizing that even though it sucks like hell and my life is extremely stilll difficult to go through---and it always will be....I still want to see it through to the end and not have it prematurely ended because of alcohol.
I guess you can say I am eternally hopeful that life gets better....I still have no life to speak of...friends still gone, no family....I stay inside every day save for a p/t job I go to 2 days per week and basically just sit there because they need a body and it's what I can do that doesn't require communication.
Thank God for Disability Insurance otherwise i'd be on the street.
So this is getting long, but in a nutshell...a cracked one at that....this is my story. I'd really love to go to an AA meeting, but not possible being deaf...and I tried sign language but it's extremely difficult to learn so this forum willl have to do....
The bloat and "balloon" feeling in the liver is gone so that is a GREAT thing...I honestly never want to feel that feeling again....It pains myself to admit this as I consider myself a relatively intelligent person---but I really didn't know until coming here the true ramifications of excessive drinking...and how it very much is a poison to some people, such as myself.
I can't say i'll be posting a lot as i've never been a message board person...but I will be reading & devouring all posts here to keep me sober daily, weekly, monthly...and hopefully yearly.
But of course right now just worry about daily....I know that much is true.
Thanks for the opportunity to share my story.
I've been reading many posts here for the past month that have really helped to solidify my decision to quit my excessive drinking. I just hope I can be sucessful at it as Day 34 is just a little hatchling in the grand scheme of things...
I can say without a doubt that as I enter my 2nd month sober, I feel VOLUMES better physically than I did 35 days ago. So that's a good thing...
I guess I should share a little about me and how I came to be here writing this post...
I began drinking in my early 20's....(41 this year) the usual going out with friends & partying etc...though I always felt that alcohol didn't "agree with me"---like my body would physically reject it and I would always get sicker from drinking than any of my friends did.
Yet i still drank because "if everyone else could, then why shouldn't I"....(duh)
Well, it didn't really escalate until my mid-30's---this is when my life changed irrevocably and I ramped up the drinking literally overnight to maximum level....
I lost my hearing in 2005. And as one can expect, this frightened the dickens out of me....imagined being suddenly sealed up inside your body unable to communicate with the rest of the world again! This is what it felt like initially---like being sealed up inside my body disconnected from the world.
Alcohol became a huge comfort for me...for the first 2 years I slept with all the lights on out of fear--I had the irrational fear of losing my sight too, so I kept lights on everywhere.
In the span of just one month of my life I lost hearing, quit my longtime job, threw out all my belongings, sold all my furniture, sold my house, packed up my car & drove clear across the country to be with other Deaf people---as this was now going to be my life.
Had someone told me even a month prior to all this, I would not have believed it and laughed! But it was oh so real...
The Deaf Community didn't exactly welcome me with open arms as i was an "outsider" to them...growing up hearing, I wasn't "one of them"....I learned that the hard way.
Yet I was no longer welcome anymore in the "Hearing World" either....no one has the time to write to the deaf person...I lost all my hearing friends after a while....Sure they promise to stick around---but you know how that goes---eventually they leave.
So I found myself on my own little island in the world...no house, no job, no friends....and no hearing....this is when alcohol became my everything.
It couldn't leave me, didn't get exasperated when I didn't understand them, didn't laugh at me for not hearing, didn't cast me off as unimportant. Alcohol became my security blanket.
This went on for the past 6 years....the first 3 years were heavy vodka, rum & tequila until I began having the blackouts which scared me to death so I backed off that very successfully....Thankfully fear is a huge motivator for me...
So I chose wine as my escape which worked well for the next 3 years---no blackouts so I thought I was ok....wrong.
Last summer I began to feel the bloating in my right abdomen....it felt like a balloon in there and i stupidly wondered if I was developing a tumor...It wasn't until last month that I discovered this place, and reading posts, that I realized it was my liver being abused. How ignorant to have not made that connection myself.
I also began to develop a perpetual red face, I would smell of alcohol for 2 days after my bender, which would consist of 2 bottles of cabernet...sometimes 3 in an evening before passing out.
I would not go outside anymore for fear of others smelling the 'drunk' on me so many days were wasted just sitting inside waiting to detox....it got to the point when even my apt began reeking of alcohol....the fumes coming off me were permeating the air.
Night sweating...soaked sheets....headaches....hangovers that were once linmited to the next morning...would now last for DAYS.
All this was my body telling me I guess to STOP.....it wasn't until the bloating feeling in my liver that I got scared and stopped cold last month.
I'm still deaf....that will never change and i'm realizing that even though it sucks like hell and my life is extremely stilll difficult to go through---and it always will be....I still want to see it through to the end and not have it prematurely ended because of alcohol.
I guess you can say I am eternally hopeful that life gets better....I still have no life to speak of...friends still gone, no family....I stay inside every day save for a p/t job I go to 2 days per week and basically just sit there because they need a body and it's what I can do that doesn't require communication.
Thank God for Disability Insurance otherwise i'd be on the street.
So this is getting long, but in a nutshell...a cracked one at that....this is my story. I'd really love to go to an AA meeting, but not possible being deaf...and I tried sign language but it's extremely difficult to learn so this forum willl have to do....
The bloat and "balloon" feeling in the liver is gone so that is a GREAT thing...I honestly never want to feel that feeling again....It pains myself to admit this as I consider myself a relatively intelligent person---but I really didn't know until coming here the true ramifications of excessive drinking...and how it very much is a poison to some people, such as myself.
I can't say i'll be posting a lot as i've never been a message board person...but I will be reading & devouring all posts here to keep me sober daily, weekly, monthly...and hopefully yearly.
But of course right now just worry about daily....I know that much is true.
Thanks for the opportunity to share my story.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 9
Thanks for the warm welcome. In my short month on this site, i've learned so much as well as seen myself in many of your stories.
I'm glad for these last 34 days and hope to have many more to come.
It's a nice feeling not to wake up sick and I think my biggest obstacle is becoming complacant so I will always keep that notion in the forefront of my determination to stay drink free.
Once again, much thanks for the nice welcome!! It's so appreciated!!
I'm glad for these last 34 days and hope to have many more to come.
It's a nice feeling not to wake up sick and I think my biggest obstacle is becoming complacant so I will always keep that notion in the forefront of my determination to stay drink free.
Once again, much thanks for the nice welcome!! It's so appreciated!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi Drapple
I was already a hard weekend drinker but I started drinking in earnest when my body started to fail me in various ways at age 30 (I have cerebral palsy)...it was a scary frustrating and angry time.
Like you, I wish I'd chosen another method of coping tho. Good to have you with us.
I hope you'll find SR as useful as I have.
I'm not fully deaf and I'm not in AA, but I'm wondering - how do you go communicating with people in general? Forgive me if I'm off base, but I'm assuming you do ok....just wondering why a meeting would be that much different?
Lots of other alternatives anyway - there's us, and there are online meetings I believe - of both AA and other recovery groups like SMART...and other avenues like counselling etc should you want to explore them
Welcome
D
I was already a hard weekend drinker but I started drinking in earnest when my body started to fail me in various ways at age 30 (I have cerebral palsy)...it was a scary frustrating and angry time.
Like you, I wish I'd chosen another method of coping tho. Good to have you with us.
I hope you'll find SR as useful as I have.
I'm not fully deaf and I'm not in AA, but I'm wondering - how do you go communicating with people in general? Forgive me if I'm off base, but I'm assuming you do ok....just wondering why a meeting would be that much different?
Lots of other alternatives anyway - there's us, and there are online meetings I believe - of both AA and other recovery groups like SMART...and other avenues like counselling etc should you want to explore them
Welcome
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Welcome Drapple - I am glad you are here.
I see that we actually share a lot in common. I'm
looking forward to getting to know you better.
I hope you stick around and keep posting!
Congratulations on your 34 days. That is simply awesome.
I see that we actually share a lot in common. I'm
looking forward to getting to know you better.
I hope you stick around and keep posting!
Congratulations on your 34 days. That is simply awesome.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Welcome Drapple - glad you found our family!!
I check in here a few times a day, I hope you will too. There's lots to read aswell as the chat room if you need to talk at any time of the day.
Where about's are you in the world? I'm in the UK.
Wishing you well
S
xx
I check in here a few times a day, I hope you will too. There's lots to read aswell as the chat room if you need to talk at any time of the day.
Where about's are you in the world? I'm in the UK.
Wishing you well
S
xx
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hi Drapple,
Welcome and congrats on 34 days. I loved your conception of those new to sobriety as "hatchlings"! I am enjoying the image I too fit into that category.
Becoming deaf as an adult sounds tough, and I can't speak to that. I have a friend who works with the deaf community doing a lot of signing, she works with people as an interpreter in all sorts of situations---college classrooms, doctor's appointments, etc, and the state pays for a lot of it. Not sure where you live, but there may be services you can access, or someone who could accompany you to an AA meetings and help you connect? I don't imagine that you use signing, so it does make it tougher, but I would think in this technology-loaded era there is something that might help. (I apologize in advance if this suggestion strikes you as absurd or ill-conceived. Just thinking that isolation is hard, and face to face contact is good)
Hope you keep on posting. Look forward to reading more from you.
D
Welcome and congrats on 34 days. I loved your conception of those new to sobriety as "hatchlings"! I am enjoying the image
I too fit into that category.Becoming deaf as an adult sounds tough, and I can't speak to that. I have a friend who works with the deaf community doing a lot of signing, she works with people as an interpreter in all sorts of situations---college classrooms, doctor's appointments, etc, and the state pays for a lot of it. Not sure where you live, but there may be services you can access, or someone who could accompany you to an AA meetings and help you connect? I don't imagine that you use signing, so it does make it tougher, but I would think in this technology-loaded era there is something that might help. (I apologize in advance if this suggestion strikes you as absurd or ill-conceived. Just thinking that isolation is hard, and face to face contact is good)
Hope you keep on posting. Look forward to reading more from you.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi Drapple
I'm not fully deaf and I'm not in AA, but I'm wondering - how do you go communicating with people in general? Forgive me if I'm off base, but I'm assuming you do ok....just wondering why a meeting would be that much different?
D
I'm not fully deaf and I'm not in AA, but I'm wondering - how do you go communicating with people in general? Forgive me if I'm off base, but I'm assuming you do ok....just wondering why a meeting would be that much different?
D
Not off base at all to ask Dee....In general the only way I am able to communicate effectively with people is through writing.
Of course am able to speak clearly to people, but i've learned from experience that only opens up a can of worms as it gives others the false impression that "well if he can speak, then he can certainly hear!"
NOT true at all....so I have conditioned myself over the years to not speak in general when out and dealing with people and using writing. Otherwise, if I speak, then the other person will almost always revert to babbling back to me which goes right over my head!
I guess it's honest to say I have become a recluse because of it all....I have found it's just so much easier to be by myself than my failing attempts at communication with others....and more often than not, people just don't have the time to write in this instant gratification world we're living in now.
When I DO need to go out, I veer far far away from others...but always like a magnet, people seem to be drawn to me and talk to me....that can be quite annoying!
It's a lonely life, which has drawn me to alcohol, but my body has finally begun telling me it's the end of the road for that---so i'm 'listening' to it. Sorry for the horrible pun lol.
I do have my parrot you can see in my avatar and he has been quite the lifesaver over the past 5 years for me. I can truly say without a doubt that he has gotten me through the most awful & scariest of times...more so than any human being has.
He is my light and reason to get up in the morning---some may find that extremely sad....but not me...I think any reason to awake in the morning is a good thing!
And he loves me whether I can hear or not....I do wear a hearing aid in my left ear which gives me basic residual sounds....think back to when the teacher in those old Peanuts cartoons would speak...remember how it would sound like??...."Wah wah wah wah wah".....that's exactly how i hear voices with the hearing aid in....the right ear has been totally dead since birth...never learned why.
But I do hear my bird screech when the aid is in...and that is a joy for me...it alerts me to him when he wants my attention....but it is useless when it comes to hearing people anymore. Go figure.
It's getting long again, but i guess this is the whole point of this place eh?? It's been such a tremendous help---and I can't stress enough that if someone like me, were to become Deaf, these are the perfect times in the world for it to happen.
With all the written modes of communication...with basically the entire world...having no hearing isn't as bad as it was even 20 years ago....there are alternative ways now to communicate.
And like SR here----for that I am eternally grateful!!
Thanks for bearing with such a ling winded reply!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
He is my light and reason to get up in the morning---some may find that extremely sad....but not me...I think any reason to awake in the morning is a good thing!
That is just how I feel about my dogs.
And it's a damn good reason to get up every day just to care for them.Welcome to the best recovery site everywhere.
Beautiful bird, by the way. I used to have parakeets, what are really called budgies. They were wonderful pets, so tame and affectionate and smart. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Drapple, that is quite a story. And, congratulations, I hope you keep posting here.
My dogs have kept me at least half-assed functional, so I definitely get the bird thing!
I don't know ASL but is there a community anywhere that you can communicate with sign language, or a combination of that and speaking?
My dogs have kept me at least half-assed functional, so I definitely get the bird thing!
I don't know ASL but is there a community anywhere that you can communicate with sign language, or a combination of that and speaking?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, Drapple - I can't imagine how difficult things have been for you. I'm so glad you've decided to quit drinking though. It really only adds to our problems and always seems to get worse. I can relate to worrying about people smelling the alcohol - I used to constantly pop mints and spray myself with perfume. I'm sure even then that people smelled it.
It's taken a while for the obsession to fade, but I have an inner peace today that I never had while drinking. I'm glad you found the forum - to me, it's like AA on a screen. Maybe as things get better and better in sobriety, you'll have some opportunities to expand your horizons.
What's your bird's name?
It's taken a while for the obsession to fade, but I have an inner peace today that I never had while drinking. I'm glad you found the forum - to me, it's like AA on a screen. Maybe as things get better and better in sobriety, you'll have some opportunities to expand your horizons.
What's your bird's name?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 9
Danae, I figure in comparison to others who have years upon years of sobriety under their belt, (some even 20+?) that 'hatchling' was a good description of me with just 34 days lol.
I'm sure in this tech world there ARE AA meetings that cater to Deaf/Hard of Hearing with Captioning assistance. I just need to seek them out and find them as I think it would be immense support for me.
least & Stevie, I'm sure i'd have gone nuts without my bird to keep me going each day for the last 5 years...he has certainly been my safe harbor in the storm and I am so grateful he came into my life...especially at a time when I needed him most.
I truly believe pets are angels on earth.
artsoul, I did the mint/ cologne thing too as well as 2 or 3 ahowers per day to wash off the stench of alcohol to no avail as even after all that, i'd still smell it on myself and hated it.
I guess it's really bad when you constantly have a cloud of alcohol around you that you need to cover!
Btw, my birds name is Bruce. Petco had already named him, so it just stuck....he'll be 6 in May and they live for 30 years so he's hopefully with me for the longrun lol.
So it's after midnite now and the end of Day 34. Made it through another day without alcohol and feeling really good.
Congrats to me, and everyone else out there closing out their full day of sobriety. Each day is something to celebrate.
I'm sure in this tech world there ARE AA meetings that cater to Deaf/Hard of Hearing with Captioning assistance. I just need to seek them out and find them as I think it would be immense support for me.
least & Stevie, I'm sure i'd have gone nuts without my bird to keep me going each day for the last 5 years...he has certainly been my safe harbor in the storm and I am so grateful he came into my life...especially at a time when I needed him most.
I truly believe pets are angels on earth.
artsoul, I did the mint/ cologne thing too as well as 2 or 3 ahowers per day to wash off the stench of alcohol to no avail as even after all that, i'd still smell it on myself and hated it.
I guess it's really bad when you constantly have a cloud of alcohol around you that you need to cover!
Btw, my birds name is Bruce. Petco had already named him, so it just stuck....he'll be 6 in May and they live for 30 years so he's hopefully with me for the longrun lol.
So it's after midnite now and the end of Day 34. Made it through another day without alcohol and feeling really good.
Congrats to me, and everyone else out there closing out their full day of sobriety. Each day is something to celebrate.
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