Is this what a year of "recovery" looks like? HA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 24
Is this what a year of "recovery" looks like? HA
Sorry for the long post - I guess I just needed to vent a bit. I haven’t posted in several months. It’s been a year since I ended my relationship with my exRAB and probably 6 months since we went no contact. I just recently reached out to him to make my amends and was left feeling a little stunned at just how not recovered a year of “recovery” has left him.
Just to quickly recap my story – I reconnected with a man I knew in high school and over the course of several months I fell in love. Looking back with knowledge I didn’t have then, there were plenty of red flags that I missed, ignored. About 6 months into the relationship he confessed to being a relapsed alcoholic. He’d been sober and in AA for 10 years and had started drinking again before he met me. To realize that the entire relationship was based on lie after lie was devastating. From him never mentioning this very important part of his history to telling me he was attending “networking events” that were really AA meetings (all while drinking) and denying having been drinking when I sensed he had been and asked. I ultimately agreed to hang in there with the relationship as long as he remained in recovery. Fast forward a few months and he clearly was not going to meetings, was going MIA with lots of excuses as to why he didn’t pick up the phone, blah, blah, blah. I finally had enough and ended it – but not without a lot of very harsh words that were intended to wound him as much as he’d wounded me.
Over the last several months, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and believe his reoccurring appearance in my dreams was sort of a push to make my amends to him so I could move on. I wrote an email and outlined what I had done and how regretful I was for using my words as weapons and told him how I’m working every day to be better in that regard. I told him that that I couldn’t possibly understand his struggles but that I knew his intent was never to hurt me and that I’d forgiven him and myself – that we were both just doing the best we knew how to do at the time. I held onto that email and re-read it, showed it to friends and when I was absolutely certain that it was conveying in true intentions, I sent it.
I got an answer which surprised me. But even more surprising was the complete lack of self awareness I sensed in him. He did express regret for “his part” but was quick to let me know how much my anger “scarred” him. Without even realizing it I’m sure, he confirmed that the last few months we were together when he claimed to be going to meetings and sober, he was in fact still drinking lying to me. His tone was almost condescending and quite self absorbed. The most revealing thing though was how he spoke of the active drunk him as “that other person”. Where is all the personal responsibility I hear about?
I guess the moral of this story is THANK GOD he isn’t my problem anymore. My side of the street is clean and I’m seeing the whole thing through a new and much clearer lens!
Just to quickly recap my story – I reconnected with a man I knew in high school and over the course of several months I fell in love. Looking back with knowledge I didn’t have then, there were plenty of red flags that I missed, ignored. About 6 months into the relationship he confessed to being a relapsed alcoholic. He’d been sober and in AA for 10 years and had started drinking again before he met me. To realize that the entire relationship was based on lie after lie was devastating. From him never mentioning this very important part of his history to telling me he was attending “networking events” that were really AA meetings (all while drinking) and denying having been drinking when I sensed he had been and asked. I ultimately agreed to hang in there with the relationship as long as he remained in recovery. Fast forward a few months and he clearly was not going to meetings, was going MIA with lots of excuses as to why he didn’t pick up the phone, blah, blah, blah. I finally had enough and ended it – but not without a lot of very harsh words that were intended to wound him as much as he’d wounded me.
Over the last several months, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and believe his reoccurring appearance in my dreams was sort of a push to make my amends to him so I could move on. I wrote an email and outlined what I had done and how regretful I was for using my words as weapons and told him how I’m working every day to be better in that regard. I told him that that I couldn’t possibly understand his struggles but that I knew his intent was never to hurt me and that I’d forgiven him and myself – that we were both just doing the best we knew how to do at the time. I held onto that email and re-read it, showed it to friends and when I was absolutely certain that it was conveying in true intentions, I sent it.
I got an answer which surprised me. But even more surprising was the complete lack of self awareness I sensed in him. He did express regret for “his part” but was quick to let me know how much my anger “scarred” him. Without even realizing it I’m sure, he confirmed that the last few months we were together when he claimed to be going to meetings and sober, he was in fact still drinking lying to me. His tone was almost condescending and quite self absorbed. The most revealing thing though was how he spoke of the active drunk him as “that other person”. Where is all the personal responsibility I hear about?
I guess the moral of this story is THANK GOD he isn’t my problem anymore. My side of the street is clean and I’m seeing the whole thing through a new and much clearer lens!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
No, it doesn't sound like recovery to me. In fact, it sounds like he's doing AA now like he was doing AA back then, which is, not doing it at all.
I wouldn't fret over it. He's an ex for a reason and it sounds like it was a pretty good reason to me.
I wouldn't fret over it. He's an ex for a reason and it sounds like it was a pretty good reason to me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When we make an amends, we do it to clean our side of the street. We don't have any right to have any particular expectation about the other person's reaction.
Did you discuss this amends with your sponsor, first? Tricky ones, especially, like this one, should be run past a sponsor first.
Did you discuss this amends with your sponsor, first? Tricky ones, especially, like this one, should be run past a sponsor first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 24
I attempted Al-anon for a period but found it wasn't for me. I did discuss this with my therapist who encouraged me to apologize/make amends for me.
I had no real expectations. As I indicated, I didn't actually expect any response at all. The purpose of my post was to express how a year away from this person and this disease has given me an entirely new outlook on the situation. I also wanted to share my experience of what "recovery" means in terms on my ex. Lots of the posts I read are from those desperately clinging to hope that if their loved one finds "recovery" things will be better. The sad truth is that isn't always the case.
I had no real expectations. As I indicated, I didn't actually expect any response at all. The purpose of my post was to express how a year away from this person and this disease has given me an entirely new outlook on the situation. I also wanted to share my experience of what "recovery" means in terms on my ex. Lots of the posts I read are from those desperately clinging to hope that if their loved one finds "recovery" things will be better. The sad truth is that isn't always the case.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, it's not always the case. I'm sorry if I came off preachy--I was a bit hasty in my response, I think.
Not everybody in recovery gets better at the same pace. Not everybody "in recovery" is even working a program.
And, let's face it, it was sort of a structured meeting.
You did your part, hopefully you will now feel a bit more at peace and able to move forward.
Not everybody in recovery gets better at the same pace. Not everybody "in recovery" is even working a program.
And, let's face it, it was sort of a structured meeting.
You did your part, hopefully you will now feel a bit more at peace and able to move forward.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I have come to realize that the behaviors I experienced in my exabf after 3 months in recovery were not acceptable to me. Alcoholic or not, going to meetings or not, they interferred with my serenity, so I walked away at that time. I needed more time to work on me.
Now after 6 months apart, he has a self awareness he did not have before, I feel comfortable talking and being with him, so I am. No promises and no expectations, one day at a time. I am fine on my own, I choose to be with him now, if things don't work out, I will be ok.
So different than before.
Now after 6 months apart, he has a self awareness he did not have before, I feel comfortable talking and being with him, so I am. No promises and no expectations, one day at a time. I am fine on my own, I choose to be with him now, if things don't work out, I will be ok.
So different than before.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Letting go of expectations is hard. I often wonder if I am compromising my own needs. I try to take it one day at a time as well but I think he has greater expectations of me than I have of him so it feel lopsided sometimes.
One day at a time... ugh. I try. But he is trying harder than he ever has to win back my faith in him.. so I am currently in a good space with him but I have given up lots in terms of what I need in a partner. I learned to meet those needs in other ways and that is what saves the relationship.
I guess there is a fine line between what you will let go of and what you won't compromise on.
One day at a time... ugh. I try. But he is trying harder than he ever has to win back my faith in him.. so I am currently in a good space with him but I have given up lots in terms of what I need in a partner. I learned to meet those needs in other ways and that is what saves the relationship.
I guess there is a fine line between what you will let go of and what you won't compromise on.
Originally Posted by seekingcalm 
I have come to realize that the behaviors I experienced in my exabf after 3 months in recovery were not acceptable to me. Alcoholic or not, going to meetings or not, they interferred with my serenity, so I walked away at that time. I needed more time to work on me.
Now after 6 months apart, he has a self awareness he did not have before, I feel comfortable talking and being with him, so I am. No promises and no expectations, one day at a time. I am fine on my own, I choose to be with him now, if things don't work out, I will be ok.
So different than before.
Now after 6 months apart, he has a self awareness he did not have before, I feel comfortable talking and being with him, so I am. No promises and no expectations, one day at a time. I am fine on my own, I choose to be with him now, if things don't work out, I will be ok.
So different than before.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I am so happy for you, that you recognized the person behind the reply as someone you have no interest in remaining involved with.
It is so hard to let go sometimes, and move on, and while responses like this hurt, they also help us heal and finally let go of the unrealized "what ifs" and the fairytale "happy ending". I am grateful for that.
No apologies needed for the post - it stings at first, and it helps to share, so we can get out those pent-up feelings and just pick up and move on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 24
I'm not sure I'd say I was hurt by his response - baffled and frustrated definitely!
I'll admit that despite everything that had happened, there was a part of me that was afraid he was going to get well and I was going to miss out on something. I've realized that I'm not missing out on anything. I did the right thing a year ago by walking away and this recent interaction only confirms that. It also reminds me that even a simple email exchange with him can still shake my balance a bit - good thing I've said what I needed to say for me and can now leave him in the past where he belongs. Thanks all for your comments!
I'll admit that despite everything that had happened, there was a part of me that was afraid he was going to get well and I was going to miss out on something. I've realized that I'm not missing out on anything. I did the right thing a year ago by walking away and this recent interaction only confirms that. It also reminds me that even a simple email exchange with him can still shake my balance a bit - good thing I've said what I needed to say for me and can now leave him in the past where he belongs. Thanks all for your comments!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
