How much do you share
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
How much do you share
So I'm reading the big book, going to therapy and attending my first aa. I've come clean to the people closest to me. My question is this. What to you share in various random social situations? Is "I quit drinking" enough? Am I supposed to share " I'm an alcoholic"?. I don't want to be in denial, but I don't feel like I want to share this with the world, either.
Where are you at in your sobriety and how do you handle these situations. My daughter's School functions are what I'm stressing on the most.
Thanks.
Where are you at in your sobriety and how do you handle these situations. My daughter's School functions are what I'm stressing on the most.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
I share what I'm comfortable with. Alot of people have approached me with drink offers, and I say "no thanks, I'm not drinking", or I normally already have a soda in my hand, and most people leave it at that. For the people who knew me as a drinker in the past, I just say that I am changing my lifestyle and trying to get healthier, so I prefer not to drink anymore. For people who have asked more questions, if I am comfortable in the situation I will let them know that I have drank alot in the past, and drinking really hasn't been positive for me. Most of the people who will go into depth with the questioning are normally people who also have drinking issues.
My wife on the other hand never drinks, and no one gives it a second thought when she turns down a drink or says she doesn't drink. I think we may make alot more out of it than there reallly is, because most people, especially normal drinkers don't care whether you drink or not.
My wife on the other hand never drinks, and no one gives it a second thought when she turns down a drink or says she doesn't drink. I think we may make alot more out of it than there reallly is, because most people, especially normal drinkers don't care whether you drink or not.
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
I know some people stress that being honest is the best policy (and I would agree), but I think there's a difference between being dishonest and not openly volunteering any and all information.
I tell people I don't drink. That's the truth. I don't have to tell them that I am an alcoholic or that I'm in recovery or that drinking led me to 2 DUIs or whatever. If people ask why I don't drink, I have various responses. Sometimes I say, "I drank enough." Sometimes I tell people, "I just like to be in control of myself and I don't like that alcohol takes control away from me." Other times I say, "I have a health issue and alcohol makes it worse, so it's best for me not to drink." To other folks I say, "Bad things happen when I drink. Sometimes those bad things involve me ending up in jail."
It's all different depending on the situation. And all of the above statements are true. But I don't feel like I have to divulge my entire story to everyone, nor do I feel that I have to be dishonest about anything. Really, my recovery is my business, so it's up to me how much of that I want to share with anyone else.
I tell people I don't drink. That's the truth. I don't have to tell them that I am an alcoholic or that I'm in recovery or that drinking led me to 2 DUIs or whatever. If people ask why I don't drink, I have various responses. Sometimes I say, "I drank enough." Sometimes I tell people, "I just like to be in control of myself and I don't like that alcohol takes control away from me." Other times I say, "I have a health issue and alcohol makes it worse, so it's best for me not to drink." To other folks I say, "Bad things happen when I drink. Sometimes those bad things involve me ending up in jail."
It's all different depending on the situation. And all of the above statements are true. But I don't feel like I have to divulge my entire story to everyone, nor do I feel that I have to be dishonest about anything. Really, my recovery is my business, so it's up to me how much of that I want to share with anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Western PA
Posts: 416
When I first quit I just told everyone I was taking a little break to try and get healthy. I got some strange looks and a few questions but for the most part everyone was kind of impressed. That was three months ago. Since then I've just stayed on the health kick...when someone asks I just say that I've been feeling so good that I've decided to keep it going. For the most part everyone doesn't even ask anymore..it has just become the norm for me not to be drinking.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
In my 2+ years sober and in recovery, I have only had one person press me when I said "no thank you" to a drink offer, and that was a former drinking buddy.
I just say no thank you, as simple as that is.. I have no obligation to explain why, nor a desire to do so.. that's for my therapist and closest confidants.
I'm just a non-drinker, and I have honestly found (outside of drinking buds, which I quickly got rid of), people really don't care much about whether or not I drink.
When feeling particularly chatty, I suppose I have said something like "No, I don't drink alcohol at all.. I used to, liked it too much..now I don't".
I just say no thank you, as simple as that is.. I have no obligation to explain why, nor a desire to do so.. that's for my therapist and closest confidants.
I'm just a non-drinker, and I have honestly found (outside of drinking buds, which I quickly got rid of), people really don't care much about whether or not I drink.
When feeling particularly chatty, I suppose I have said something like "No, I don't drink alcohol at all.. I used to, liked it too much..now I don't".
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I told someone once, "I don't drink anymore" and they replied, "But do you drink any less?"
I almost always drank at home alone so few people know why I don't drink, and rarely ask. If asked I'd just say "no thank you".
I almost always drank at home alone so few people know why I don't drink, and rarely ask. If asked I'd just say "no thank you".
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Alcohol is served at your daughter's school functions? I'm a little confused--others seem to be responding as though you're going to be offered a drink. If you are, "No thank you" should suffice.
If you're concerned others might be talking about it behind your back, well, there's not a lot you can do except stay sober and not get yourself into that situation again (the actions you're taking can help you do that). People will talk. I posted in the alcoholism forum a week or two ago about the opinions of others.
If someone says something directly to you, what else do you need to say except, "It proved to me that I can't drink, so I'm not."
I've been approached in situations by people who know I don't drink and who want to ask me about it--usually because they or someone in their lives have problems with drinking. I've "cleaned house" (the 4th-9th steps), so there's no shame involved for me. If asked, I discuss it openly. But unless I have a very good reason to reveal it, my alcoholism is irrelevant in most social situations outside of AA.
Glad to see you sticking around.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
If you're concerned others might be talking about it behind your back, well, there's not a lot you can do except stay sober and not get yourself into that situation again (the actions you're taking can help you do that). People will talk. I posted in the alcoholism forum a week or two ago about the opinions of others.
If someone says something directly to you, what else do you need to say except, "It proved to me that I can't drink, so I'm not."
I've been approached in situations by people who know I don't drink and who want to ask me about it--usually because they or someone in their lives have problems with drinking. I've "cleaned house" (the 4th-9th steps), so there's no shame involved for me. If asked, I discuss it openly. But unless I have a very good reason to reveal it, my alcoholism is irrelevant in most social situations outside of AA.
Glad to see you sticking around.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Inafishbowl 
My daughter's School functions are what I'm stressing on the most.
If not, the subject shouldn't even come up, and if it does bear in mind that some things are personal. The "I'm not drinking" others suggested is sufficient.
IF THERE IS DRINKING at your daughter's school functions, that's another matter. Early in recovery, it might be best if you don't put yourself in situations where drinking and triggers to drink exist. A temptation you just don't need when you are trying to keep sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
Sorry, I should clarify. My daughter goes to a private school and there are lots of fundraising adults only cocktail parties, etc. I often don't partake because I don't trust myself. But I have had wine here and there with a few moms in the past. None of them have ever seen me over induldge because I haven't. So I guess my question is about those folks. People you are friendly with but whom you really don't want to get into it with. I had wine with two moms about a month ago. It must just be because this is all new and awkward to be saying "no thank you, I don't drink" for the first time. I know this should be the least of my worries.
I don't frequent many parties like this. The social situations don't scare me. I big slab of roast beef and cooking in the kitchen in general scares me. I'm very much a red wine drinker at home while I cook or watch a movie.
I don't frequent many parties like this. The social situations don't scare me. I big slab of roast beef and cooking in the kitchen in general scares me. I'm very much a red wine drinker at home while I cook or watch a movie.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Two thoughts:
1) get yourself a seltzer with lime and carry it around---that should keep people from asking
2) if anyone pushes any harder, just say, "no thanks, not tonight".
You don't need to give people any more information than that, really. Even if they are moms you've had a drink with before, it shouldn't be noteworthy if you aren't having alcohol on any one evening.
I speak as a mom who has had to go to recent events like this
D
1) get yourself a seltzer with lime and carry it around---that should keep people from asking
2) if anyone pushes any harder, just say, "no thanks, not tonight".
You don't need to give people any more information than that, really. Even if they are moms you've had a drink with before, it shouldn't be noteworthy if you aren't having alcohol on any one evening.
I speak as a mom who has had to go to recent events like this
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
It's up to the individual...once i became a more sane and mature person i was able to act appropriately on any given situation and determine how much i felt comfortable divulging...
No-one could care less if i am drinking or not, that's reality...once i thought that everyone was watching me not drinking and was giving a lot of thought into why i was not, that's not reality:-)
No-one could care less if i am drinking or not, that's reality...once i thought that everyone was watching me not drinking and was giving a lot of thought into why i was not, that's not reality:-)
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,508
I have strong feelings about this question.
So many members stress about what to say in social situations.
Honestly, it's nobody's business but yours. It's your choice to eat or drink or not.
Early on in recovery, I made up an excuse (I'm on antibiotics). It felt horrible. Honestly was going to be crucial to me in my recovery and it wasn't worth it to me, to lie to a bunch of people who really didn't care anyways. So, 'No, thank you' has been my answer since then, and if the person pushes, I just smile and say no more. I think for me it's about honesty and it's about taking back control of my life. It's also about caring more about myself than pleasing those around me.
So many members stress about what to say in social situations.
Honestly, it's nobody's business but yours. It's your choice to eat or drink or not.
Early on in recovery, I made up an excuse (I'm on antibiotics). It felt horrible. Honestly was going to be crucial to me in my recovery and it wasn't worth it to me, to lie to a bunch of people who really didn't care anyways. So, 'No, thank you' has been my answer since then, and if the person pushes, I just smile and say no more. I think for me it's about honesty and it's about taking back control of my life. It's also about caring more about myself than pleasing those around me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
I'm new (again!) at being sober but I've had many "sober" periods in the past.
I don't do any sort of song and dance about it. I'm rarely in a situation where anyone expects me to drink or questions me when I say "no thanks" or choose water instead of a drink so it's not an issue. It was the same when I stopped taking drugs many years ago...I figured I didn't owe anyone an explanation.
I've known people who made it a big fat hairy evangelical deal about being an alcoholic or user and how fabulous it is that they aren't any more, and frankly I find those people annoying and never wanted to be like that.
Don't say "no thank you, I don't drink." Just say "no thank you." Probably nobody will notice or care, anyway. "No" is a complete sentence.
I don't do any sort of song and dance about it. I'm rarely in a situation where anyone expects me to drink or questions me when I say "no thanks" or choose water instead of a drink so it's not an issue. It was the same when I stopped taking drugs many years ago...I figured I didn't owe anyone an explanation.
I've known people who made it a big fat hairy evangelical deal about being an alcoholic or user and how fabulous it is that they aren't any more, and frankly I find those people annoying and never wanted to be like that.
Don't say "no thank you, I don't drink." Just say "no thank you." Probably nobody will notice or care, anyway. "No" is a complete sentence.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
When people ask me why I don't drink, I reply, "because I tend to wake up in different states." It generally creates a laugh, a smile, and an understanding as to why I'm not drinking. Usually, someone begins to talk about someone they know who quit. And you're off the hook.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by Stevie1
I've known people who made it a big fat hairy evangelical deal about being an alcoholic or user and how fabulous it is that they aren't any more, and frankly I find those people annoying and never wanted to be
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
Originally Posted by Inafishbowl
This is exactly what I DO NOT want to be. As a newcomer, I have has the misconception that you had to be an evangelist. Probably because the only way to know someone out in the world is in recovery is when they're preaching it. Your answers are calming my nerves. Thank you!
I'm joking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
I'm glad you brought this up because I know what to say here in the U.S. but I have to go to Japan in a few months for business and was wondering how to handle that.
Japanese business people can be crazy drinkers and from what I understand there can be pressure to join in. It's easy to dodge after 2 or 3 drinks but I don't know how to dodge the first 2 or 3 without offending anyone.
Japanese business people can be crazy drinkers and from what I understand there can be pressure to join in. It's easy to dodge after 2 or 3 drinks but I don't know how to dodge the first 2 or 3 without offending anyone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Originally Posted by FrothyJay
So this is probably a bad time to tell you that you have to recruit 20 members in your first 30 days.
I'm joking.
I'm joking.
ROTFLMAO.
Seriously, I get that for some people really getting into the 'I am sober!!" mindset is important and that is cool. If it keeps you from drinking, go for it. But it's not a requirement!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I don't say anything except I'll have a diet coke, please...
I was touched the other day when I went to our annual "pray for snow party"... a group of friends (guys) that go on a big western ski trip every year, have been since the nineties... On our last trip last winter I made sure I had lots of fresca... a question or two, but no pressure from anyone, and I revealed essentially nothing at all... well at this year's pray for snow party, which is usually a pretty alcoholic affair, this year being no exception... the host just happened to have a twelve pack of fresca out on the deck, next to the beer... ahem... I've got some great friends, huh?
I was touched the other day when I went to our annual "pray for snow party"... a group of friends (guys) that go on a big western ski trip every year, have been since the nineties... On our last trip last winter I made sure I had lots of fresca... a question or two, but no pressure from anyone, and I revealed essentially nothing at all... well at this year's pray for snow party, which is usually a pretty alcoholic affair, this year being no exception... the host just happened to have a twelve pack of fresca out on the deck, next to the beer... ahem... I've got some great friends, huh?
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