An Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
An Update
Good news first. Friend of the Court is releasing the lien on MY house. Whoopie!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so relieved. Now I can get this house listed and sold. It is a relief to know that I will eventually have some options.
Bailed AH out of jail. Sure had mixed feelings about that but they reduced his bond so that I didn't have to put up collateral. My BIL drove me to pick up the van from impound and guess what - it wouldn't start! I had to have it towed back home, an hour away, to the mechanic that we use. It arrived the next morning and started right up! Couldn't believe it but awfully glad since we sure don't need the additional expense.
He is very repentant of course. He understands the damage he has caused all the way around. I give him credit for his attitude. With all that is facing him, he is digging in and getting things in order. He has arranged for his helper to drive the van and understands that he can't use it himself any longer. Since he won't have a drivers license he can't have a vehicle in his name so it has to remain in mine. Since he is still on probation from his 1st offense a year ago he may get jail time from the 1st one as well as this second offense. I've told him that when he is sober I can't imagine being without him but I have reached the point that I can't imagine staying with him when he is drinking. He seems to understand that. He goes to court Monday for pretrial hearing and is going to make an appointment with the prosecuting attorney to see what he is facing.
He is going to do this on his own. I feel that he has created this situation and he should be the one to deal with it. I am opting out of "clean up" mode. I am not as angry as I was, thank God. I am still angry with him but I can't afford to maintain that much anger. It would be impossible to live together like that.
At least now I can start to move forward. Get the house on the market and once it is sold I can decide what I think is best for me.
It is so sad. You start a marriage with the highest of hopes and then the wheels fall off. You put the wheels back on but each time one of the lug nuts is missing and eventually the wheels won't stay on. The loss of trust is terrible. You might still love this person but you just can't feel the same about them. You start feeling somewhat parent-like instead of partner and lover.
I didn't realize at first how low my husband's self esteem was. I knew he was needy but didn't know the extent of it. He has always been so good to me. He has put me first to the detriment of his own needs. He would wait on me hand and foot if I let him. I think that he does this so that I would find that I just couldn't do without him, that I would appreciate him so much that I would continue to tolerate the binges when they happened. I don't think that this is conscious behavior on his part. It is not just me that he does this with. He is so insecure that he lives in fear that people won't like him or think that he isn't good enough.
Since I am the type of person that if you give me an inch I will take a mile, I fell right into this game plan and as a result I have become very dependent on him. I can hardly believe that I have changed so much. I used to be a take charge gal who made decisions easily and ran my own life. I'm now at the point where I have trouble deciding which pair of socks to put on in the morning!
This sure turned in to more than an update. I don't share my feelings easily because I have always felt that I should be able to handle things myself. The longer you do that, the harder it is to change. At least now I feel like I am recognizing that he has really wanted me to feel dependent on him and my part in allowing that to happen. I think that we could both benefit from counselling no matter what happens with our marriage. Hopefully, we can both end up stronger, healthier and happier people.
Thanks to all of you who responded to my call for help. Knowing that you care really helped me through the crisis. God bless all of you.
Thanks, Jo
Bailed AH out of jail. Sure had mixed feelings about that but they reduced his bond so that I didn't have to put up collateral. My BIL drove me to pick up the van from impound and guess what - it wouldn't start! I had to have it towed back home, an hour away, to the mechanic that we use. It arrived the next morning and started right up! Couldn't believe it but awfully glad since we sure don't need the additional expense.
He is very repentant of course. He understands the damage he has caused all the way around. I give him credit for his attitude. With all that is facing him, he is digging in and getting things in order. He has arranged for his helper to drive the van and understands that he can't use it himself any longer. Since he won't have a drivers license he can't have a vehicle in his name so it has to remain in mine. Since he is still on probation from his 1st offense a year ago he may get jail time from the 1st one as well as this second offense. I've told him that when he is sober I can't imagine being without him but I have reached the point that I can't imagine staying with him when he is drinking. He seems to understand that. He goes to court Monday for pretrial hearing and is going to make an appointment with the prosecuting attorney to see what he is facing.
He is going to do this on his own. I feel that he has created this situation and he should be the one to deal with it. I am opting out of "clean up" mode. I am not as angry as I was, thank God. I am still angry with him but I can't afford to maintain that much anger. It would be impossible to live together like that.
At least now I can start to move forward. Get the house on the market and once it is sold I can decide what I think is best for me.
It is so sad. You start a marriage with the highest of hopes and then the wheels fall off. You put the wheels back on but each time one of the lug nuts is missing and eventually the wheels won't stay on. The loss of trust is terrible. You might still love this person but you just can't feel the same about them. You start feeling somewhat parent-like instead of partner and lover.
I didn't realize at first how low my husband's self esteem was. I knew he was needy but didn't know the extent of it. He has always been so good to me. He has put me first to the detriment of his own needs. He would wait on me hand and foot if I let him. I think that he does this so that I would find that I just couldn't do without him, that I would appreciate him so much that I would continue to tolerate the binges when they happened. I don't think that this is conscious behavior on his part. It is not just me that he does this with. He is so insecure that he lives in fear that people won't like him or think that he isn't good enough.
Since I am the type of person that if you give me an inch I will take a mile, I fell right into this game plan and as a result I have become very dependent on him. I can hardly believe that I have changed so much. I used to be a take charge gal who made decisions easily and ran my own life. I'm now at the point where I have trouble deciding which pair of socks to put on in the morning!
This sure turned in to more than an update. I don't share my feelings easily because I have always felt that I should be able to handle things myself. The longer you do that, the harder it is to change. At least now I feel like I am recognizing that he has really wanted me to feel dependent on him and my part in allowing that to happen. I think that we could both benefit from counselling no matter what happens with our marriage. Hopefully, we can both end up stronger, healthier and happier people.
Thanks to all of you who responded to my call for help. Knowing that you care really helped me through the crisis. God bless all of you.
Thanks, Jo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jo
It sounds like he may be a little codependent too. Many, if not most addicts I know are also codependent, including my son.
I think joint counselling might do you both a world of good.
Sending hugs and prayers that this all gets better for you soon.
And don't evey worry about howl wordy your posts are - that is what we are here for, to listen and share,
Hugs and prayers
Ann
It sounds like he may be a little codependent too. Many, if not most addicts I know are also codependent, including my son.
I think joint counselling might do you both a world of good.
Sending hugs and prayers that this all gets better for you soon.
And don't evey worry about howl wordy your posts are - that is what we are here for, to listen and share,
Hugs and prayers
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Jojo
I'm so glad that you got some good news about the house. You have been in my thoughts and prayers and it's good to hear that things are starting to turn around for you.
I can relate to what you are going through on the marriage front. When Spicoli and I got married, he had been sober for six years. Him having a relapse was the furthest thing from my mind. When he did, everything went to hell in a handbasket rather quickly. We are actually better friends now that we are apart. And, by the grace of God, he has been sober for almost a year. Things do get better, just not as quickly as we want them too.
I hope that good things continue to come your way. It wasn't in God's plan that my lottery ticket was the big winner this week. I continue to hope for it to be in His plan next week.
Peace,
Gabe
I can relate to what you are going through on the marriage front. When Spicoli and I got married, he had been sober for six years. Him having a relapse was the furthest thing from my mind. When he did, everything went to hell in a handbasket rather quickly. We are actually better friends now that we are apart. And, by the grace of God, he has been sober for almost a year. Things do get better, just not as quickly as we want them too.
I hope that good things continue to come your way. It wasn't in God's plan that my lottery ticket was the big winner this week. I continue to hope for it to be in His plan next week.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Gabe -
I wasn't holding a winning ticket either. Sure would be nice so - maybe next week.
AH didn't even make it 5 days this time. He got angry at me and then drunk today. Says he has nothing to live for and he just can't go to jail for his drunk driving offense. Says he is thinking of running. He got so angry that he was "manhandling" me - grabbing me by the shoulders and arms and getting right in my face and backed me into a corner. I hate having to be afraid of him. It is so unlike him although I guess it is like him now. His brother said that if I need help to call him and he will come over. I'm glad to know that he will be there if it becomes necessary. If he wakes up tonight and is still "ugly" I will call his brother and hopefully he will be able to help me get him out of here. I know that after they have gotten aggressive the first time the next time is a whole lot easier and I will not continue to live like that.
I am taking him to his pretrial meeting in the morning so will know more about what is going to happen to him. Right now I am almost numb from today's events and just hope he sleeps through the night. Your thoughts and prayers will help to see me though. I keep you in my prayers as well.
Thanks and hugs, Jo
I wasn't holding a winning ticket either. Sure would be nice so - maybe next week.
AH didn't even make it 5 days this time. He got angry at me and then drunk today. Says he has nothing to live for and he just can't go to jail for his drunk driving offense. Says he is thinking of running. He got so angry that he was "manhandling" me - grabbing me by the shoulders and arms and getting right in my face and backed me into a corner. I hate having to be afraid of him. It is so unlike him although I guess it is like him now. His brother said that if I need help to call him and he will come over. I'm glad to know that he will be there if it becomes necessary. If he wakes up tonight and is still "ugly" I will call his brother and hopefully he will be able to help me get him out of here. I know that after they have gotten aggressive the first time the next time is a whole lot easier and I will not continue to live like that.
I am taking him to his pretrial meeting in the morning so will know more about what is going to happen to him. Right now I am almost numb from today's events and just hope he sleeps through the night. Your thoughts and prayers will help to see me though. I keep you in my prayers as well.
Thanks and hugs, Jo
Thanks for sharing. Sending you "Wings and Prayers" today as you take back your power and go forth with courage. Keep coming back, we're here with you.
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