I need to stop
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Mundelein, IL
Posts: 33
I need to stop
I am so addicted in finding out the truth, I need to stop. I need to start thinking of just me and my daughter. I started to track him via GPS on our mobile network, I started checking his phone logs. I already know i'm going to be disappointed and lied to. Why? Why do I still want to try to find out the truth? When I already know what it is? Why must I try to validate myself? Obviously I'm still with my AH, due to financial reasons I cannot leave. I am the only person here in my state. All my family is in another state. I rely on my AH financially, and leaving him would leave my daughter and I homeless, so I basically am a prisoner in my own home. However, I know that I must learn to just shut him out of my life, but it's difficult with him around. He doesn't want to get help, and he doesn't think he's addicted. Help me, get through phase one. Letting go physically is not an option.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Mundelein, IL
Posts: 33
I do have a job, but it is not enough to pay for housing. It is enough to pay for utilities and groceries. I have been saving, but it seems that I'm dipping into it more for groceries and gas. I am looking for another job to help my move financially. But for now, I do need to keep sane for me. I just need to stop being addicted to his addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I can remember having that “locked in prison” feeling while I was married and living in another state, it stinks and I am sorry you are in that situation.
And that is where I began my journey of self discovery. I have learned that I am the only one who has the key to unlock that prison cell. And when I wanted it badly enough I put that key in and gave it a turn.
What about your family? Would they be supportive of you, would they help shelter you while you got your new life on track? Babysitting so you could go attend a class or learn some kind of training for better employment opportunities?
And in the mean time, have you given any though to al-anon and going face to face with others struggling with similar issues that you are?
And that is where I began my journey of self discovery. I have learned that I am the only one who has the key to unlock that prison cell. And when I wanted it badly enough I put that key in and gave it a turn.
What about your family? Would they be supportive of you, would they help shelter you while you got your new life on track? Babysitting so you could go attend a class or learn some kind of training for better employment opportunities?
And in the mean time, have you given any though to al-anon and going face to face with others struggling with similar issues that you are?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 18
Hugs msmelrem... Im pretty much in the same situation as you. I know how hard it is to not snoop. I have realized for me, snooping doesnt make me feel good. Im only hurting myself. While Im snooping, I could be doing something to HELP MYSELF.
Some steps I have taken to work on myself are... alanon/nar anon meetings, reading co dependant no more( and re reading), seeing a lawyer and reading anything I can find about addiction. Also prayers help me alot.
Some steps I have taken to work on myself are... alanon/nar anon meetings, reading co dependant no more( and re reading), seeing a lawyer and reading anything I can find about addiction. Also prayers help me alot.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
O yes the snooping issue, I think lifeforme is on to something pretty good. Learning as much about addiction as you can will help you understand what is “normal active addiction behavior”. Not saying its right but the knowledge does help in being so shocked by it.
What I learned along time ago in al-anon was…..knowing things STILL isn’t going to change a thing! Unless you are willing to make some changes, waiting for him to just may be a long wait.
What I learned along time ago in al-anon was…..knowing things STILL isn’t going to change a thing! Unless you are willing to make some changes, waiting for him to just may be a long wait.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 138
I too seek and find only to hurt. It becomes an obsession and very hard to break!! just try not to do it. You already know what you need to know, all else is just adding more fuel to a fire already burning. Try to focus your thoughts on what you need for the day. I know how hard it is because I still do it myself. I am trying to recognize that this is my problem about myself that I need to work on!! Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 30
I snopped because I hoped...I think I was in some kind of denial and wanted to prove to myself that my daughter wasn't doing what my head clearly said she was.
I also had GPS tracking on her phone. She knew I was tracking her, but thought it was on her car. So, she would ditch her car, but always had her phone on.
I hoped she wasn't doing the bad I knew she was. I hoped she was really where she said she was going. I hoped she would decide today was the day she was going to do the right thing. She never did, without fail, she was ALWAYS somewhere other than she said she would be.
One day I just stopped. They are going to be wherever they want to be, so following them harms only us. Unless and until they decide they want to get sober, our snooping time can be better used improving ourselves and learning how to help them.
I also had GPS tracking on her phone. She knew I was tracking her, but thought it was on her car. So, she would ditch her car, but always had her phone on.
I hoped she wasn't doing the bad I knew she was. I hoped she was really where she said she was going. I hoped she would decide today was the day she was going to do the right thing. She never did, without fail, she was ALWAYS somewhere other than she said she would be.
One day I just stopped. They are going to be wherever they want to be, so following them harms only us. Unless and until they decide they want to get sober, our snooping time can be better used improving ourselves and learning how to help them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Please don't do what I did and spend actual years doing that. Read here...read books...whatever it takes. Once you reach a point, you will be ready to let go and let God on that issue. It is a horrible cycle to be in and for me, never amounted to anything more than just creating more anxiety and tension for myself. It is possible to stop, you just have to make a concerted effort to do so. Convince yourself how useless it is, then every time you start doing it, self talk yourself out of it.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello, I was wondering if perhaps there was some type of social service there where you live that you could apply for housing or general assistance.
This, along with your present employment, could get you out of your present situation. Food stamps, low-cost housing, medical, etc.
It would be wonderful because you wouldn't be so close to the situation whcih would allow you could concentrate more on you and your children instead of him!
Hugs, Devastated
This, along with your present employment, could get you out of your present situation. Food stamps, low-cost housing, medical, etc.
It would be wonderful because you wouldn't be so close to the situation whcih would allow you could concentrate more on you and your children instead of him!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Mundelein, IL
Posts: 33
Just an update, as of today I have made a decision to leave my home and find an apartment for my daughter and I. I do make enough, just not good enough to be able to breathe a little. it will be really tight, but I need to go. My husband's friend told me that him and my AH are smoking meth at work and that he told my AH that he told me. Now that my AH knows that I definitely know, I am in fear of what he could do. He has not been coming home which is fine, i'm not surprised or hurt. I actually want him to stay out to keep my daughter and I safe. He has not contacted me or talked to me about it. I have contacted his parents and told them what just transpired. I have their 100% support. I'm trying to be strong and my mind is telling me that I must go, I'm just now in fear that I will break and will want to stick around. But I know what's good for me and for my AH. No more excuses in sticking around, I need to go!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
It is so hard to leave. I remember snooping constantly too. I GPS'd, checked emails, checked phone logs everything. I still checked after I left too. I felt I was trying to (at first) find out "nothing" so his denial could be validated and after I left, I was hoping to validate why I left. It mad me crazy and it made me feel like a crazy stalker person.
I know how hard it is to leave but you must do what is right for yourself and your daughter.
Be strong. I wish you the best.
I know how hard it is to leave but you must do what is right for yourself and your daughter.
Be strong. I wish you the best.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
I believe you are doing the right thing, which is to protect your daughter and yourself. There is help out there if you are not earning enough isn't there? I mean like food stamps, health coverage? I know in California there is.
If it is Meth, things start to get crazy and dangerous at times. My son drug of choice is meth, and I've seen some pretty scary rages!! This is why I will never allow him to live back in our home. Actually, when he was here not long ago he was smoking pot, and that alone was enough for me! There is no dealing with them when they are on drugs.
My great-grandaughter, that we are raising, is only 3 and she is starting to tell us stories about what scared her. Both parents were on meth at that time. Don't know if anything has changed either. Anyway, not good for the child to witness this stuff.
Hugs, Devastatedf
If it is Meth, things start to get crazy and dangerous at times. My son drug of choice is meth, and I've seen some pretty scary rages!! This is why I will never allow him to live back in our home. Actually, when he was here not long ago he was smoking pot, and that alone was enough for me! There is no dealing with them when they are on drugs.
My great-grandaughter, that we are raising, is only 3 and she is starting to tell us stories about what scared her. Both parents were on meth at that time. Don't know if anything has changed either. Anyway, not good for the child to witness this stuff.
Hugs, Devastatedf
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Mundelein, IL
Posts: 33
I have started my departure process. I am staying at my sis-in-law who also has detached herself from her brother for the weekend, and will be staying at an apartment starting Monday. He now knows that I no longer want to be a part of his addiction and will not enable it, so guess what? he's calling and calling trying to manipulate that I'm the one who's doing drugs, and having an affair. LOL!! if he's only sober enough for him to know the love i have for him and the strength that I am gaining by seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I told him once before, I am no longer going to be manipulated and lied to. He crossed that line, and now I am walking away, no fears just all strength from the Almighty One. Until he admits and seeks help, I will not be around. Please continue to pray for me to stay strong for my daughter and I.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I'm impressed by your resolve. Seeking support from his family for you and your daughter was a very smart move. As somone else said, there are state programs to help you with housing (even rental deposits if you qualify) and you don't have to be unemployed for these services. They base them on income.
As for long term independence, start setting up realistic goals for yourself. For example, thinking about a better job or career you may be interested in, how to handle any legal issues (if it comes to a separation, custody etc.). But those are long term things, don't overwhelm yourself but if you work slowly on goals, you will feel more empowered.
Best of luck to you
As for long term independence, start setting up realistic goals for yourself. For example, thinking about a better job or career you may be interested in, how to handle any legal issues (if it comes to a separation, custody etc.). But those are long term things, don't overwhelm yourself but if you work slowly on goals, you will feel more empowered.
Best of luck to you
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