duqld1717

Hi, I need some more advice. I am so confused because my boyfriend doesnt drink all week long but on the weekends he cant control himself to the point on slurring his words and stumbling around. Ive begged him to cut back and he never does. I care about him alot and he is fine all week, but notoriously every weekend we have to go out to the bar and i have to sit there and watch him get completely drunk beyond belief....What is this considered??

Buffalo66

From what I have read and understand, alcoholism is not about how often a person drinks, but in the WAY that they drink when they do.

What you describe sounds like what they call BINGE drinking.

If he cannot control it, cannot stop after two or three, becomes different when he drinks, then he has a problem.

The question from me to you is, Is his drinking a problem for you?

duqld1717

He is affecting me because I cant trust him when we go out. I dont know how he is going to act. I feel like I have to babysit a child. Is binge drinking addictive? Could he just stop his weekend binges if he wanted to or does he need professional help? He never has withdrawels.

nodaybut2day

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Though he may not be experiencing withdrawals *now*, that may not be the case next year, or in five years. It's up to you to decide if you want to stick around to see how he'll handle his booze then.

StarCat

An alcoholic is someone who can't have "just one" drink.
Binge drinking is a form of that.

My XABF would generally have a single shot of whiskey in the morning, and nothing on weekends.
Then it turned into a shot in the morning, a lot to drink on Mondays, tapering down through the week until he hit no drinks over the weekend.
Then a shot in the morning, whatever he could get his hands on Mondays and Thursdays, tapering down until the next giant drinking day.
Then it turned into a shot in the morning, a pint after work in about a half-hour span, finishing off whatever he had readily available once he was good and drunk from that pint, and then trying to taper down over the weekend just to start the whole process over again come Monday.
Then it didn't matter what day of the week it was.

Other alcoholics have an easier time keeping to some sort of schedule, because that's "how they do it". My XABF's father (who died years before I met XABF) was a weekend binge drinker (when he wasn't playing golf), who had 2 beers each evening watching his favorite television programs. He'd also binge on holidays, but he was never drunk for work.

Buffalo66

It will progress. Chances are, if he tried to stop bingeing, it would last for a bit, but when he hit it again, he would hit it harder. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Do not take that statement lightly.
He may be quite young.
If he is driving around with you in this state, I would try to stop allowing that to happen. He will fight for the right to drive when that inebriated. Your safety is at hand.

Also, one thing you can do, if you want to, is to choose NOT to accompany him at all when he drinks. This is an ACTIVE statement. You are choosing not to be around his drinking, to not take part in it with him.

If you drive, you could bring your car to go out together, and after he passes the acceptable drink mark, you could say goodnoght.

He may ask the next day why you left. If you do this enough times, he will realize you dont want to be around that.
Is he abusive when drunk? when Sober? does he make you feel small? Get angry about things other people dont? Is he suspicious? Does he get into a lot of fights when drinking?

Ask yourself. Does his personality change when he is drinking?

tallulah

A recovering alcoholic with 15 years sober once said to me, an alcoholic is an alcoholic even if he never takes another drink.

I didn't delve any further, but I suppose that means it's a mindset. It's not about what, where, when or how much.. but their relationship to alcohol, people, places, things etc.

duqld1717

Where he lives, there are 20+ bars within walking distance so driving is never an issue. He lives next door to a bar! He is 34 years old and has another male roomate that is 34. He works 3 hours a day at his job an then goes home to lay on the couch. He is in sales so he is capable of doing this and I dont know how he hasnt gotten fired after 8 years at his job. Weekends he walks to the bars, gets drunk, says mean things to me if I question him and passes out. Never is abusive but if i suggest doing something other than drinking on the weekends he's in a bad mood then he goes out the next night to make up for it. I feel in my heart this isnt normal!!!

tallulah

You said he isn't abusive.. but he say's mean things to you?

In an ideal world, people say what they mean.. but don't say it mean. Sometimes, people are human and mess up.. but if he's doing that as the rule rather than the exception, then he is being abusive when drunk.

Tx

suki44883

Whether or not he is an alcoholic, he treats you in an awful manner. It sounds to me like he just wants to be free to drink or lay on the couch and if you interfere, he doesn't like it. If you don't live with him, how do you know for sure he isn't drinking during the week? Again, all of that is beside the point as to how he treats you. Is he the kind of person you really want for a boyfriend? I think you deserve better.

vujade

The longer I am on SR the more I realize that when we are lucky enough to find our way here and ask the question, we usually already know the answer.

I'm going try to channel Barb here (cause she's so stinkin' smart and I want her to know that I really listen to what she says...LOL). The best thing you can do right now is educate yourself, ask lots of questions and listen to your heart. Keep coming back...there are tons of people here who understand right where you are and the confusion in your head. It gets clearer...not always the picture we WANT to see...but it does get clearer.

Bolina

Well, he sure sounds like a keeper

You don't have to join him at the bar, you know?

IME, he will either wise up of his own accord when he starts to feel some consequences, stay exactly as he is or get worse. Those are the only options, aren't they? You don't really have a say in how it pans out, given that he already ignores what you have to say.

Have a read of the stickies at the top of the page - they are full of incredibly helpful information.

And welcome!

duqld1717

I feel so brainwashed. Everytime I tell him to stop or change, he tells me that he will just find someone else who will just accept him for who he is and not try to change him. Sometimes i feel like no girl would be ok with his behavior and other times I feel maybe someone else would be able to deal with him better than me. Either way, he shouldnt be telling me that.

ImReadyToQuit

I started out as a weekend drinker.. Then from Thurs-Sun.. Then Thurs-Monday... Then daily.

Takes time, he'll be a daily drinker before ya know it..

suki44883

Well, to start with, you can't tell him to stop or change. He is an adult and has the right to drink as much as he wants. He's probably telling you the truth in that he'll just find someone who will allow him to be who he is, but that relationship probably won't last long either, unless she's also a drinker. In any case, you need to realize that you cannot change him and the only choices you have in the matter regard how YOU will deal with the situation. No matter how many times you ask the questions, the answers you will get will be the same, as you can see.

StarCat

You're not even married to him. You have no obligation to this guy. You have no requirement to stick around and see if he changes.

What makes YOU happy? You have every right to follow through on that answer.

So what if someone else is willing to put up with his behavior. Are YOU?

Also, abuse doesn't have to be physical to be abuse. There's also emotional and verbal abuse, which is what my XABF loved to send my direction.

Bolina

No he shouldn't, duq. Although he is correct in saying that accepting him for who he is right now is wise. He is showing you (and telling you) that he won't change and you have to lump it, in his opinion. 'Cept, you don't. You have a choice in this.

Check out my blog post (link under my name <------)

PaperDolls

Remember, you can't change a person. It could drive you crazy trying.

pixilation

My husband did at first, I found some old forum posts of mine from 2002, talking about how he's always gone on the weekends, getting drunk at a friend's house. He's never been able to drink and not get drunk, it's always been about the drunk to him.

So, that's how it began with him.

Learn2Live

This is considered you choosing to go to a bar every weekend to be ignored and babysit a grown man getting ****-faced and flirting with other women. You do not HAVE to do anything. You choose to. Is this really the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

I am glad you do not trust him because from your posts he does not sound like a trustworthy mate. I do not understand the meaning of your question, "Is binge drinking addictive?" There is such a thing as alcoholics who are binge drinkers. I am one of them. I can go weeks, months and years without drinking but I am still an alcoholic. It does not matter whether you have withdrawals or hangovers, you can still be an alcoholic without them. Yes, he could just stop his weekend binges if he wanted. Whether or not he needs professional help is entirely up to him.

It's pretty "normal" for an alcoholic to live in this kind of neighborhood, surrounded by bars. It sounds to me like he has arranged his entire life in order to accomodate his alcoholic lifestyle.

This means nothing. If you are looking at his ability to keep this job as an indication that he is not an alcoholic, my guess is you are wrong. I am sure he has this particular job because he CAN work 3 hours a day and then go home and do whatever he wants.

You say he is never abusive but what you have described in your posts sounds very abusive to me.

Whether or not he is "normal" is beside the point duqld17. This is not something that needs fixing, nor is it something you can fix. There is nothing wrong with him; he is simply an alcoholic. And again, he does not sound to me like someone who thinks he should want to change his home, his life, his friends, his roommates, his job, or any other part of his lifestyle in order to accomodate your opinions or feelings.

You can choose to step off the rollercoaster.