Corri

I'm looking for input from folks on how Recovery has impacted Significant Other type relationships.

I picked up my 30 Day Chips last night (HOORAH!!) and I'm currently working the Fourth Step with my Sponsor (just to give you all a sense of where I am at). I feel an amazing change occurring on the inside of me, and I love it.

One of the things I'm noticing, however, is a gulf forming between me and my fiancee. He is not an addict. He does not drink at home, and only drinks socially. He is very supportive of my recovery. Our social life has changed quite radically, obviously, as our socializing revolved around friends and dining and drinking. Wine was a huge part of our lives. I developed the problem with it, he didn't. However, what seemed to be the center piece of our lives is now missing, you know? He has not complained once about this, so I am sure it's me.

I feel emotionally distant from him. I'm almost reluctant to say this out loud because I don't want to create a problem that really isn't there... I feel LOST in my relationship. I'm doing 'my thing' in recovery, he does his thing with work... it just seems that the anchor which held it all together is... gone.

Everyone keeps telling me to stay focused on my Recovery... nothing comes before it. I AM changing, and that will obviously have an impact on every part of my life (which is actually a good thing). Become the person I was meant to be and all other things will take care of themselves, including relationships.

I get that. I'm good with that. I think I'm struggling against my compulsion to try and FIX something, and I don't think there is anything TO fix, other than myself.

Okay, I'm babbling now. I'd be most appreciate of thoughts and experiences from others on this topic.

Thanks.

Mark75

Oh sure... my wife is not an alcoholic... We've been married a long time with a good relationship that I did not trash, thankfully... But yes, some distance has opened up as I have worked through the steps, recovery... So I can at least reassure you that you are not alone or crazy...



Why? I have actually thought a lot about that... Is it because the journey of recovery is one we take alone? Yes!! Is it because we are no longer drinking buddies? Yes!! Is it because I interact with others slightly (or a lot) different? Yes!! Is it because my libido and our physical relationship has changed? Yes!!

Anymore reasons? I'm sure there are!!

Let me say though that our relationship is very much intact and is recovering as well, though it has lagged behind my own...

Mark

doggonecarl

If your relationship with your fiancee can't survive the removal of alcohol from it, its not much of a relationship...IMO. Here's another thought. Look at how you describe your relationship with alcohol:

"our socializing revolved around friends and dining and drinking"
"Wine was a huge part of our lives"
"the center piece of our lives is now missing"

You talk about wine with more glowing terms than you do your fiancée. Could your alcoholic mind be romancing the booze a little too much? Seems like a strategy to slip out of recovery if you aren't careful.

Good luck.

Corri

Actually, I was sharing facts rather than romanticizing wine, or looking for an excuse to drink again. And it is, indeed, a fact that there is a 'hole' in terms of what we will do within the context of our relationship to replace it. To say that it isn't there, to me, is dishonest, and THAT to me, is more of a danger than recognizing something that is right in front of my face.

I was wondering if others had faced similar situations (which it appears to be the case), and how that has gone with others.

Dee74

I think most of us wonder about the parameters of our life and our relationships when we get into recovery...I think it's only natural given we're often quite literally discovering who we are.

I wasn't in a relationship then but I *was* quite a few people in that early period - from week to week, if not day to day.

Wise people here told me to try and lay off any important decisions until I was sure of who I was - for me that was sometime around 90-120 days...my reactions were pretty consistent, I was fairly level headed, and I had a good idea of who sober Dee was going to be.

I agree, Corri - don't try and fix something...at least until you're sure it needs fixing

D

CarolD

My experience is that the men I found interesting and attractive
when I was a drinker...no longer appealed to the sober me.
I had changed...they had not.
I absolutely know that for me...not all loves are forever.

I also think doing your formal Step work will give you a better
realization of what and who you want in your future.


well done on your progress...

Surlyredhead

Entering into recovery will change every relationship we have. We are not the same person anymore. In the beginning, it almost seems that everyone around us is changing (including those closest to us) when in fact is us that is changing. Even if it is for the better, change is not always easy, especially if we had no choice in the situation. Your Fiancee may be scared that he is going to lose you because you are devoting so much time to your recovery (as you should). If you truly love him, and he truly loves you and supports you in your recovery, then it could work out just fine. For what it is worth, my suggestion to you is....take a good long honest look at the relationship and decide if it will work within your in recovery...if the answer is yes, talk to him, tell him how you are feeling...and ask him how he is feeling. Communication is so important. He may feel like you don't need or want him anymore now that you have your AA friends.

Good Luck,

Cathy

Corri

I agree, D, thank you. I think what I'm feeling is one of my 'compulsive' committee member voices in my head... "fix, fix, fix... no? Well then, panic, panic, panic..."

Corri

Cathy:

Very good points. He truly IS a great guy. That's why he's my fiancee. Your last point... TRIPLE THUMBS UP EXCELLENT OBSERVATION.

Communication? Gee... why didn't I think of that...

Anna

Corri, I do think that I had to get used to peace in my life. I tended to want to fix things too, in a compulsive way, looking for drama usually.

That said, I know that my relationship with my husband changed, and so did my relationship with everyone. I am a different person in many ways.

Maryjan

I am in the exact same situation, 37 days into sobriety. In fact, we are going to a comedy show on date night Thurs...something we have never done in the 15 happy years we've had together. We always, always went out for dinner with wine, the perfect break from life with kids. I hope we'll do that, too...beer for him (easier for me somehow) and tea or whatever for me. But for now, I am planning new things. We've had some awkward nights, some crummy nights, and a few sweet, warm wonderful nights...I hope a view into our future life together. One issue is that my husband doesn't think I needed to stop, so he is supportive but a bit puzzled. Anyway, I don't have any answers, but I believe we will make it through thus to a new and lovely place. Bring on the comedy shows, kayaking, movies, coffee shops...and the years I will be the mom and wife I want to be!

HideorSeek

Corrie, you have gotten a lot of good advice here. My 2 cents? Early recovery is tumultuous for the addict, never mind the partner! Give it time...lots of time...and then more time. I used to wonder about the "no major changes in the first year" bit, but in hindsight, I can really see how that's wise advice. I have been married for 30 years and our relationship has changed loads. In the beginning, neither one of us knew what we were doing and, yes, many of our "habits" changed, but over the course of time, our relationship has become much more authentic and, IMHO (and his, BTW), much, much better. Think of it as a dance...each of you knew the steps to...now, you are creating a new one. Again, I think time is the answer and communication between the 2 of you.

One thing that has helped me a lot has been keeping a journal. That way I could express my feelings and, now, looking back I can see the changes that I have made and that we have made together. Early on, I wanted to "fix" him, too. If I was going to change, then he should too. Needless to say, that was met with about as much excitement as a snail race. So I used my journal to vent, to question. Interestingly, many nights when I could have ripped pages...by the next week, I had settled down. Better by far that I didn't impulsively verbalize every thought I had. Ultimately I have come to see that my recovery is my own and that his path is his. I have no right to make him change his life. This is the "acceptance" part of recovery that brings such peace. For so long, I fought against me, I fought against virtually everything...swam upstream, as it were. It is much less exhausting to float along and try to take things in stride. Again the phrase 'Easy Does It" comes to mind....

blackhorse

I'm looking for input from folks on how Recovery has impacted Significant Other type relationships.

I was in a relationship of 4 1/2 yrs when i came into recovery. By the time i was on step 3 i felt a 'change' in the air, was it him or was it me? a bit of both i believe. He was worried i was going to change, become a boring god lover, not very sexual anymore, more serious,that AA people would be more important than him etc. I had that same sensation as you, like a feeling of loss, i was feeling pretty raw without the alcohol, like a huge black void had opened up in my life. I got to work on my step 4 and started to see that actually the reationship wasn't for me and the amend would be for us both to go our own ways. It was very sad. I loved him but the truth was out.. i had changed for the better but he hadn't changed. I resisted leaving him for a while but it became a challenge to be around him, spiritual principles were just going out the window every 5 minutes with him! Higher power was saying...if you stick with thid guy you WILL drink again. So the relationship is over but i TRUST that what was meant for me. I'm just trying not to fix fix fix all the time lol. Gods will not mine.