my date with new guy

Old 01-30-2011, 05:02 AM
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kia
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my date with new guy

Well i had my date with new healthy bf it went ok apart from one incident that
was me nothing he did will explain ,we had been for a nice meal out few drinks all was good decieded we would buy some more and go back to the hotel and i went to the toilet.Whilst in there i heard him open what i thought was a can of beer it wasnt as deep down i knew we hadnt bought about but i panicked couldnt leave the bathroom and when i didnt come out he worried and coaxed me out saying hes not the A and hes not complete polar opposite to him and slowly he talked me to calmess again he does seem to have that effect on me.

It did scare me a little that reaction so i will mention it to the counsellor cos i dare say it will take time to get past that reaction when i hear that noise but well the new guy handled it really well and comforted me and made sure i was ok for the rest of the nite for first time in along time i felt safe and comfortable with a different guy and i know some will say its too soon but hes what i need to restore my faith and trust in men.Apart from that the date went really well got to know him alot better and was nice having ordinary chat with a guy without fearing it was gonna turn nasty at any moment cos it just didnt and it was lovely.

The future i have no idea cos i darent look too forward into it tis scarey and im waiting on him organising another visit which im finding quite hard cos its meant me letting go of the control and havent done that in along time and it involves trusting he will sort it out for us but i gotta trust at some point in time and hes reassured me he will sort it and that he does want to see me again its just not trusting in myself but suppose that will come in time xxxkia
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:43 AM
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kia,
I am wondering why you would choose to drink, then go to buy some more with a guy when you had such problems related to alcohol in the past.
What would a sober date look like?
hugs,
peace
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Old 01-30-2011, 02:38 PM
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kia
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Cos well i dont have any issues with drink and normal ppl enjoy a drink and a meal out together its something i never did with him for one thing i didnt drink round him and another we never went out anywhere except for one birthday when he felt guilty enough to take me out and he did leave it up to me what we did we could just as easily had just the meal out but i enjoy socialising have always done big difference between me and the drinker is i know when to stop when ive had enough.

I think for me its part of moving on and leaving that behind, unfortunatly i havent quite left behind the fear of them beer cans opening but maybe its something to work on with counsellor. I mean just cos they have drink issues does it mean that u, the one they left behind has to become tee total, cos ive never really had any issues with drink have always liked a couple of glasses of wine when i go out for a meal with friends etc and really that was the drinkers arguement too. Well u are allowed to have a drink why arent i allowed one well big difference is i dont try and get someone arrested when i have too much and i dont get up out of bed at 6am and head to the fridge for another one so in answer to it why do i have to, i dont have to i want to and as my own person and the person who can deciede whether to or not i have that right to choose xxxkia
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Old 01-30-2011, 04:29 PM
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Kia I was wondering the same thing as Findingpeace.

I guess I was just wondering what you thought was going to happen when you both went to get more alcohol after dinner and back to the hotel. Maybe you are saying that your reaction to the sound of the beer can opening wasn't expected?

Have you thought about spending time on your own and girlfriends for awhile and getting through your issues before embarking on a new relationship?

Wishing you well.
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:48 PM
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yes thats what i was saying although it has happened at christmas one of my daughters popped a few cans and i cringed everytime suppose in time it will go that fear cos only the exA behaved badly with drink ive never myself been tee total but also never had issues with beer cans opening its a matter of trusting the person your with isnt gonna call the cops on u or some other wierd drunk drama they seem to create i was ok though he has this very calming voice and never makes any drama out of anything and i was ok once he calmed me and we both had nothing more to drink that nite after that he just went and got me some water and kept making sure i was ok for rest of the nite.

Btw it wasnt our first chat suppose u could say been chatting to him since oct off and on it was i suppose first physical meeting in person and for me and him i feel it went ok just maybe like u all say try it with no drink next time xxxkia
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:07 PM
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Hi kia!
I am going to share my experience.
After the abusive alkie I thought I had found a "new healthy bf".

Months later he turned out to be abusive although in other aspects and even if he was "better" than the abusive alkie (heck anyone would have been "better") it was still something far, far from what I truly deserve, and far from what I truly want in someone.

It was 50/50, yes they are who they are but I was also the one who chose them. And stayed. And tried to believe they were good people. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted for my life, much less what I wanted in a partner. (I still don't know anything but now I am aware it is important to know the answers and I am worth the time it will take to find out).

Many times I wonder about people that seem unable to stay single for a while and I am suspicious of them now. One has to feel radiant, happy, fulfilled before she can share that with someone. One has to be able to have relationships based in love not based in fear, or based in need.

Anyway I know you will do what you want to do and I don't want to spoil everything but I would have saved another year and a half of heartache had I stayed single to truly sort out why I ever interacted with an addict and why I stayed for way more than any healthy person would have. I hope you keep up your work with your counselor and create time to spend by yourself, and find out who kia is... and what truly fulfills your heart. After such a destructive relationship with the last one I find difficult to believe you have healed completely. This is my impression from the outside. Of course going out and having fun helps but if it is with true friends that are able to drink water or tea or whatever non alcoholic just because they know your experience with alcohol and that it may trigger you. If we were friends in real life I would NEVER EVER open a can of beer or drink anything infront of you. I am not sure if I am explaining myself, but if an evening out causes tension, I know I am not in the path to inner peace.

Just my 2 cents I hope you don't feel judged or attacked by this post, it is meant with love & respect.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:20 AM
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well in his defence he knew of the alcoholic i was with before him but as ive not really gone into any great detail about my time with the drinker as well dont they say u shouldnt discuss previous partners with new ones so ive never gone into alot of detail i did that nite told him a very small bit of it and im not about to cut myself off from every single person i know who drinks cos that would mean all my family and most of my friends that would be madness eh.

And no u havent spoiled anything and yes i will do what i want spent too much time with someone who tried to control my every move and am not about to hand over control of my life to anyone else but me.

Correct me if im wrong but one of our al anon sayings is let there be no critism of each other and no gossip and yet somehow on here i do feel at times critised if i dont do things exactly as im told to do and im sure al anon doesnt teach us that but i will bow to those more in the know about al anon than i who is a mere novice.

And as for getting to know what i want yes i am truly feeling the happiest i have felt in along time cos im getting to know the real me and what it is that i want and not trying to please everyone else so yes thats me getting to recognise what it is that i want and i feel good right now happy in my own skin its not always like that i do know i do have down times as is to be expected but i know im coming on in leaps and bounds cos my al anon friends can see the huge change in me im more confident and less worried what others thinks and i do hope this doesnt sound like me having a go cos it really isnt ive taken what i liked and left the rest xxxxkia
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:30 AM
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Hi Kia, I hope you will take this in the spirit in which it's intended, and not as criticism.

I read your original post as you describing a triggering experience when your new guy opened some drinks.

I can completely imagine that because I have bad memories (even traumatic) from going out of town with AXH and he would buy beer on the way back to the hotel - always - and then we might argue or I would just go to sleep - lonely.

So for me, the scene you described would be way too close to what I am trying to move away from in my life, and I think people here were just pointing that out to you - that you should expect to be triggered by drinking, and that dates without alcohol can show you who you really are and who the guy really is instead of landing you in a hotel room.

I don't see it as criticism - I see it as you sharing a difficult experience and your f&f friends asking why you chose that situation for a date - when we all know what that kind of date (beer and hotels) usually means.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:48 AM
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kia
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
Hi Kia, I hope you will take this in the spirit in which it's intended, and not as criticism.

I read your original post as you describing a triggering experience when your new guy opened some drinks.

I can completely imagine that because I have bad memories (even traumatic) from going out of town with AXH and he would buy beer on the way back to the hotel - always - and then we might argue or I would just go to sleep - lonely.

So for me, the scene you described would be way too close to what I am trying to move away from in my life, and I think people here were just pointing that out to you - that you should expect to be triggered by drinking, and that dates without alcohol can show you who you really are and who the guy really is instead of landing you in a hotel room.

I don't see it as criticism - I see it as you sharing a difficult experience and your f&f friends asking why you chose that situation for a date - when we all know what that kind of date (beer and hotels) usually means.
My meetings with the A werent in hotel rooms they were in his flat in fact ive never stayed in a hotel before with any of the guys ive met but well we didnt have any beer that was really the point it was a bottle of alco pop but it could easily of been pop it was more the noise that was the problem and i did and do feel im been critised on here for wanting to have a drink with someone id met in person for first time but had been chatting to for weeks on the phone he was easy with what ever i wanted really and im even afraid to tell u all im out on sat and i will be drinking then too cos i feel ill be marked down as such a bad person its my future son in laws 21st bd and were going out to celebrate but again this is my choice there are such things as healthy drinking are there not and dont worry i know it sounds as if im mad im not well not much anyhow xxxkia
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:41 PM
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I will be celebrating 2 years away from my A soon. I've dated.. kissed a few frogs and all that.. but as I have done that, I've worked on me and the tools to ensure I never get involved with a guy like him again (he was the first and hopefully the last).

Now, I'm in a relationship with a man who IS the antithesis of the A .. in that he is thoughtful, sweet, kind and loving without any agenda and who is able to communicate on a level which I could have only hoped for with my A. I like to think that's because I'm better able to sort the wheat from the chaff and have and attract healthy people.

I too have triggers. But we talk about them and work through them.. together.

I don't know what will become of you and 'new guy'.. but if you're in a place of strength and if you have the tools and information to ensure you are in a 'healthy' place... then it should be ok. It's up to you to be honest with yourself and decide if in fact you are in that place.

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