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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 6
New member
Hi everyone!
I am new here and am looking for ideas, support, etc. My 27 yo son is an addict and my husband is the classic enabler. I get so frustrated!
Son has been in and out of jail, prison, rehab, probation, parole, etc. We have put out tens of thousands of dollars for him with fines, fees, attorneys, cars, child support, education, etc. We have gotten him jobs, places to live, etc. I have been so fed up with the whole thing and have not put up with it for years now.
Hubby, on the other hand, plays right into him. Gives him money, picks him up from well know drug areas, and just hangs out with him in general. Hubby allows him into the home while I am not here. I usually can tell because food has been eaten or the shower was used. Money or jewelry will be missing. Not long ago, one of our TVs was gone!
Right now, son has 3 warrants and has fled to another state 1000 miles away, thinking he could live with family. Apparently, his plan didnt work out. He texted me last week asking for money to live. Im not actually believing the "money to live" story, anyway. When I said no, he got mad and ugly with me. That doesnt bother me as Ive just about heard it all from him. I am to the point where I dont care.
My husband, on the other hand, spends hours texting back and forth with him, talking on the phone while he is at work. If I ask my husband if he has heard from son that day, he lies about it. Son has always been able to get between hubby and I. He has made it known that I am "the problem" and if I wasnt here-- well, apparently they would be living happily ever after.
I have had many years of counseling (hubby wont go), attended Al Anon meetings in the past, and have read books, watched TV shows, etc. Hubby has no interest in anything like this. He feels its his job as a parent to be there for his son, to provide for him no matter what he needs.
I try to have the whatever! attitude, but thats hard. Im not all the way there yet. I really need to not let their relationship get to me. Or is that even the right way to go???
I am new here and am looking for ideas, support, etc. My 27 yo son is an addict and my husband is the classic enabler. I get so frustrated!
Son has been in and out of jail, prison, rehab, probation, parole, etc. We have put out tens of thousands of dollars for him with fines, fees, attorneys, cars, child support, education, etc. We have gotten him jobs, places to live, etc. I have been so fed up with the whole thing and have not put up with it for years now.
Hubby, on the other hand, plays right into him. Gives him money, picks him up from well know drug areas, and just hangs out with him in general. Hubby allows him into the home while I am not here. I usually can tell because food has been eaten or the shower was used. Money or jewelry will be missing. Not long ago, one of our TVs was gone!
Right now, son has 3 warrants and has fled to another state 1000 miles away, thinking he could live with family. Apparently, his plan didnt work out. He texted me last week asking for money to live. Im not actually believing the "money to live" story, anyway. When I said no, he got mad and ugly with me. That doesnt bother me as Ive just about heard it all from him. I am to the point where I dont care.
My husband, on the other hand, spends hours texting back and forth with him, talking on the phone while he is at work. If I ask my husband if he has heard from son that day, he lies about it. Son has always been able to get between hubby and I. He has made it known that I am "the problem" and if I wasnt here-- well, apparently they would be living happily ever after.
I have had many years of counseling (hubby wont go), attended Al Anon meetings in the past, and have read books, watched TV shows, etc. Hubby has no interest in anything like this. He feels its his job as a parent to be there for his son, to provide for him no matter what he needs.
I try to have the whatever! attitude, but thats hard. Im not all the way there yet. I really need to not let their relationship get to me. Or is that even the right way to go???
to SR. I have never been in your situation but I am sure that soon someone will be along who has. Thank you for sharing your situation.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome!
You might have to dust off your Al-Anon tools and work on detaching (with love) from your husband. However much you disapprove of his enabling behavior, you don't have the right or ability to control him, any more than you can your son. I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating to watch that dance they are doing with each other.
My own ex-husband (recovered alcoholic for 31 years) is a bit of an enabler of our older son, who doesn't have substance abuse issues but does have some basic maturity and personal responsibility issues. I will give my opinion about things, but beyond that I keep my mouth shut. Their relationship dynamics are between them. I don't have the right to dictate what they work out between themselves. I basically stay out of it.
You might have to dust off your Al-Anon tools and work on detaching (with love) from your husband. However much you disapprove of his enabling behavior, you don't have the right or ability to control him, any more than you can your son. I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating to watch that dance they are doing with each other.
My own ex-husband (recovered alcoholic for 31 years) is a bit of an enabler of our older son, who doesn't have substance abuse issues but does have some basic maturity and personal responsibility issues. I will give my opinion about things, but beyond that I keep my mouth shut. Their relationship dynamics are between them. I don't have the right to dictate what they work out between themselves. I basically stay out of it.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
They call addiction a " family disease " for a reason.
Keep working on yourself because that may well be all you have control over at this point.
I hope tour son gets the help he needs.
Keep working on yourself because that may well be all you have control over at this point.
I hope tour son gets the help he needs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
welcome!
I'm sure it must be hard to see your son struggle like that!!
It sounds like you know what to do.
The only thing I would be clear with your husband about (in addition) is he can do whatever he wants, but not with your joint money (if you have any) and not in your home. If he has a private account and wants to put your son up at the ritz, more power to him, but set strong boundaries with you and yours.
Hugs, hang in there and keep us updated,
peace
I'm sure it must be hard to see your son struggle like that!!
It sounds like you know what to do.
The only thing I would be clear with your husband about (in addition) is he can do whatever he wants, but not with your joint money (if you have any) and not in your home. If he has a private account and wants to put your son up at the ritz, more power to him, but set strong boundaries with you and yours.
Hugs, hang in there and keep us updated,
peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 6
you are all so right! i just went online and found some meetings in my area. mon, wed, and fri. i think i will start with all 3 and see how it goes. one thing i did learn in counseling was i cant change anybody, i can only change myself. and when i start changing, the people around me dont have a choice but to change. so i have been thinking too much and need to act. the change starts with me.
thanks for giving me the push that i have been needing!
thanks for giving me the push that i have been needing!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 6
peace--
thanks for the advice. i think i am going to get a few meetings under my belt and then sit down with hubby and have a talk.
i know the living out of state thing isnt going to work and eventually son will be back. for all i know, that might be what all the calls and texting are about already. when im approached about him (he will have hubby ask me if he can move back in), i need to be prepared and need to be strong on my stance.
thanks for the advice. i think i am going to get a few meetings under my belt and then sit down with hubby and have a talk.
i know the living out of state thing isnt going to work and eventually son will be back. for all i know, that might be what all the calls and texting are about already. when im approached about him (he will have hubby ask me if he can move back in), i need to be prepared and need to be strong on my stance.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: NEW YORK
Posts: 94
Oh I am so sorry you are going through this. Must be so hard to deal with your sons alcoholism and then your husbands enabling too.
But it sounds like you have reallty educated yourself on this 'family disease' and that you already know that you cant 'love' someone into rehab. (IF ONLY!)
I hope that you can talk your husband round into going to a meeting maybe, or reading some material at least - anything that might shift a gear somewhere y'know?
I havent been in your particular situation but just wanted to say welcome and you will get lots of support here, everyone has a story here, some will be strikingly familiar to yours and others you will surely identify with in some way. you are not alone!
But it sounds like you have reallty educated yourself on this 'family disease' and that you already know that you cant 'love' someone into rehab. (IF ONLY!)
I hope that you can talk your husband round into going to a meeting maybe, or reading some material at least - anything that might shift a gear somewhere y'know?
I havent been in your particular situation but just wanted to say welcome and you will get lots of support here, everyone has a story here, some will be strikingly familiar to yours and others you will surely identify with in some way. you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Good for you! You don't need to have your possesions stolen by your own family! That's pretty serious!
At the same time, your hubby may dig his heels in, in which case you have to decide what it is worth to you.
In a way, it's like asking what YOU'RE worth to you!
You are not barring your hubby from seeing him, supporting him, etc.
You are protecting you.
Don't be swayed and forget what YOU need.
Hugs!
At the same time, your hubby may dig his heels in, in which case you have to decide what it is worth to you.
In a way, it's like asking what YOU'RE worth to you!
You are not barring your hubby from seeing him, supporting him, etc.
You are protecting you.
Don't be swayed and forget what YOU need.
Hugs!
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