Inafishbowl

Hi Im new. I've been lurking for a couple of days. This is my first post. I just sat down and wrote a post for an hour and when I hit send the website sent me to login again and I lost everything. So that is part of my frustration.
the following is much more important. I hope I can cover everything again. I feel drained.

To days ago (Wednesday early evening) I hit an all time bottom. If it wasn't a bottom, I don't want to live to see what a bottom is. I would regard myself as an alcoholic. For the past 5 years I can see it has been a problem for me. I frighten myself. I am not a daily drinker, actually not even a weekly drinker. But when I do drink, I go big. I will stay up later at night just to open up a second bottle of wine. I have been known to be a little bitchy and I have once in a while had foggy memories. But what I just did has literally sucked the life out of me. It has taken my breath away. I'm sick and ashamed and sad and luckily too chicken to actually drive my car off of a cliff right now. I am responsible, I did it. It was me. But I still can't make sense of it all and I would really appreciate some input, advice encouragement and maybe some answers. I can't stop crying.

I was with a friend the other day and we opened up a bottle of white wine. I have been on a diet and haven't had a drink in about 3 weeks because it's way too many points on Weight Watchers. It wasn't like I had quit because of a my problem, so when we opened the bottle, I wouldn't consider it a relapse if that makes any sense. We split the bottle. I probably had a little more than my friend. But for me, when I drink wine I usually polish off a bottle to myself easy. I really never drink white wine, only red. I share this because I still can't make sense of the day. I understand it probably doesn't matter. But curious if it might.

Even though I drank much less than normal, something snapped in my brain. I came home. I was totally horrible and evil to my husband and my daughter. I only know this because of what people have told me. I can't remember a thing. I have never blacked out like that before and I have never behaved even remotely close to how I did this day. I attacked my husband, scared the **** out of my daughter. Then verbally abused her. She ran away crying and I chased her down yelling horrible things to her that have never crossed my mind even on my worst day. All of this happening outside in front of neighbors and friends watching. People who I have known for years and have never seen anything like this out of me. My one friend took my daughter out of the situation (thank goodness), but at the moment when I saw her taking my daughter away from me, I snapped and went crazy. Long story, but basically my husband restrained me, I fought back and attacked him. He called the police and I ended up in jail. Being arrested in front of a crowd of people who I know and love. I still remember nothing. NOTHING! How can that be? What could have happened with me and those drinks that would cause this kind of behavior from me? Is this a common thing?
I got out of jail and came home. My husband had taken my daughter to a hotel. I was livid with everyone, until it became clear to me what I had done. I have zero recollection of frightening my daughter. The one person who I love the most in this world. The one I have never even spanked. I'm generally a fairly laid back, stay at home mom. I am blessed with the coolest sweetest easiest kid. I am scared ********. I'm really scared of what I perceive as a bizarre drinking habit. I go for long periods of time without thinking of a drink and then I go way overboard one night or two. Clearly I need to stop. I don't know what stopping looks like for someone like me. I don't want to fool myself into thinking it will be easy.

I have been crying and apologizing to everyone over an over again. I am lucky that my husband and daughter are so quick to love me and forgive me. I however, don't really feel worthy of their forgiveness. Their forgiveness and worry for me makes me even more sad. I have a general feeling that I don't belong in this house. That they would be better off without me. To answer any questions, yes, suicidal thoughts are in my head. Luckily, I just do not have the constitution to run my car off of that cliff. I just don't want to be awake. It's not that I am feeling like I want to be dead. I just don't want to be *here*. Whatever *here* is.

There is a long history of mental illness in my family. Major history. Lots of Schizophrenia and bipolar. When all of this came to light, I just couldn't shake that the psychotic state I was in was something else in combination with the alcohol. Am I Bipolar? It was a crazed angry evil awful state. I never thought I had in me. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist and saw him yesterday morning. He doesn't believe me to be Bipolar, but did say that I am severely clinically depressed. Um, really? Ya think? But in all reality the questions he was asking me applied to me in general, not just me in my horrified state from recent events. I go back to see him on Monday and then a therapist he recommends who is in recovery herself. He suggested medication would be best for me in conjunction with the therapy. I'm scared ******** of the meds, but clearly my judgment is jacked up. I want and need to be open to anything.

I'm sick and sad and ashamed and disgusted and I hate myself. I don't think I am ever going to be able to forgive myself for what I've done. I have so many questions. I feel so desperate. Like I said, if this isn't bottom, I don't want to live to see what bottom is.

So questions.

When I told the psych what happened he said it was an alcoholic blackout. I can accept that. But what I don't understand is how I had so much less than normal to drink and yet had the most violent reprehensible behavior on this day? Are there any answers to this. I'm trying so hard to make sense of it all and I just can't.

Is therapy going to help me? Will it be different being with someone in recovery?

Is anyone on anti-depressants? The doc threw out two names. Lexapro or Cymbalta. I'm reading about these, but they scare me.

AA. I understand that it is the way most people suggest. But it totally freaks me out on a couple levels. First, I am a big fish in a very small pond here. I really want my privacy (what's left of it). This could devastate my business. 2nd and more importantly, I'm not at all a religious person. I actually have a visceral reaction to dogma and the "born again" sort of vibe I get from some AA members freaks me out quite a bit. Are there other viable options? I plan to discuss this with the therapist too. I know that people are very passionate about their programs, but I would really appreciate thoughts on this.

Would online meetings be effective, or is it just "hiding"?

I'm completely broken right now. I know I am powerless to alcohol. I know I need help. I'm doing my best to be honest with myself and maintain responsibility for my actions. Even though I get feelings of anger towards my husband and neighbors, I know this is my fault. I am working really hard at staying honest with myself and them with that. Trying to keep the anger controlled because it is totally unjustified and uncalled for.

I really could use some words right now. I feel broken. Thanks.

Inafishbowl

Geez. I didn't realize how long this was. A huge gigantic thank in advance for even reading it.

Anna

Hi,

I have never felt so lost and alone in my life as when I finally stopped drinking. Please know that you never have to go through this again. And, yes, alcohol made me crazy too. I said things that I didn't recognize. Alcoholism will steal your soul, your mind and your body, but you can turn things around.

I had blackouts too and nothing is more scary than realizing you have talked to people and done things that you have no recollection of. It's a feeling that I never want to experience again. I suspect the reason it happened to you at this point, even though you drank less than usual, is because alcohol is affecting your body and mind more and more. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop.

I was depressed long before I began drinking. And, yes, I definitely needed to get the depression diagnosed and treated before I could begin to recover. Ten years later, I still take antidepressants. For me, the level the playing field and I have no noticable side effects. Your psych dr will likely answer any questions you have about anti-depressants.

dairo

Calm down. Everything will be ok. That has happened to everyone, probably just a little pent up rage that alcohol finally released.

Listen, I'm pretty new to all of this, but from reading your post you don't seem like an alcoholic to me, but only you truly know. I would not try AA at the moment if I was you, stick around this website for a while and try and learn a few tools to help you sort through your anger and such when it comes up.

I was also very hesitant to take an anti-deppressant but did anyways because I was so confused also, I take Effexor and honestly I don't even really notice it, but it does make you feel a little bit better, I would give them a shot if I was you, but again, that is just my opinion.

Listen you are very far from the bottom, believe me on that. You just had a very traumatic and embarrassing day, it happens, your family sounds to be very loving and caring understanding people. Just take it easy, don't let this situation overwhelm you, that's the worse thing you could do.

nandm

First I want to say welcome to SR. I hope you find the experience, strength and hope I have found in this community.

Now to reply to your questions

I never knew when I would have a blackout. There were times I had one with only a couple drinks, and sometimes I could drink copious amounts of alcohol and not have one. There did not seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Once alcohol hits my system something changes in me, I believe it is a change at my very core, both physically and mentally (and as some would say spiritually although I am by no means a religious person).

I tried therapy many different times while I was drinking but what I have found is that it is much more beneficial when I am sober especially when it comes to medications.

I am diagnosed with PTSD, BiPolar type II, chronic depression, and chronic anxiety. So yes, I am taking meds. What my experience has been is it is a lot of trial and error with psych meds. One thing that works wonderfully for someone down the street may cause me side effects or not be effective. What is it about the medications that scare you? Personally, I know what I felt like without them and even though I hate taking meds my life is better with them than without them. Your doctor may decide to put you on an anti-depressant for a short period of time, that is not uncommon when someone is first getting sober as our bodies go through many chemical changes as we sober up.

AA is not the way for everyone. There are other programs out there. Here is a listing of recovery programs: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html I too hated religion when I first got to AA. Thankfully, I found out that the program is by no means a religious program. It is a spiritually based program but that is not the same are religious. All one has to do is believe that there is something out there that is more powerful than themselves. For me that was electricity/lightening/etc.. I know that I can not hold it in my hand, I can get struck by lightening and it can easily kill me. That is the concept of the "Higher Power" thing in AA. You are not required to even have a "Higher Power" to start the AA program. All you have to do is keep an open mind and be willing to believe that there is a power greater than you. But please check out the other programs out there as you may find you are more comfortable with one of them.

It is just my personal opinion but I believe that online meetings can be quite beneficial. The only problems I can see with it is that it can really easy to hide things about ourselves and not be honest with ourselves and others in online meetings. Personally I believe that honesty is essential to recovery.

I do wish you the best and hope you find what you are seeking.

Danae

Hi and welcome.

It sounds like things have been terrible for you, but you are taking some immediate steps and that is great.

Please hang in there. Lots of us know about guilt, shame and regret, and hopefully you'll find helpful feedback here and a sense that you aren't alone.

From a personal standpoint (all I can comment on) anti-depressants can be a lifesaver. You may need to experiment to find the right dosage or drug but a good physician can help. Also, don't assume that how you feel the first week on the meds (possible side effects, not working) is how you'll feel later. It may take a while.

I had some of your issues with AA such as the higher power/god thing, although less about the anonymity since I live in a big city. I don't go regularly, but forced myself to go to a few meetings and try. If nothing else, it puts you in a room with other people facing their problems, and that can give you a sense of fellowship. They also have great literature for newcomers. I haven't read the Big Book yet (this probably puts me beyond the pale for some people) but the book "Living Sober" was really helpful. If it doesn't grab you right away, do as some suggest and try another meeting or two. At least know that it is always there for you, which is comforting.

I did once have a paradoxical reaction to alcohol where one or two glasses of wine made me staggeringly drunk and I caused a scene. But just as damaging was all the times I drank by myself and no one knew. Use this horrible experience to get rid of alcohol in your life before things get worse.

Sending you good thoughts...

D

LexieCat

Yes, it was long, but at least you broke it into paragraphs, for which I thank you!

I'm sure you are feeling horrible, that came through loud and clear. I kind of smiled when you talked about joining AA as being "devastating" to your business. We have ALL kinds of successful people in my groups, including folks in law enforcement, school principals, medical professionals (including doctors, nurses, and psychologists), business owners of all types. So I wouldn't worry too much about that end of it.

And so far as being "born again"--AA is not religious, although it DOES focus on spiritual principles. You don't have to join a church. Many happily sober members of AA are atheists or agnostics. You will hear people talking about God, but what they are talking about is their own personal concept of God, or a higher power. And it sounds as if being "born again" is what you want--you don't want to keep on being the "you" that has turned you into someone capable of what you know that you did under the influence.

Stick around, keep reading and posting. And keep an open mind. This is your life you want to save.

Sugah

May I suggest that you keep an open mind about paths to recovery? I know a lot of prominent people who are sober in AA. My husband is one. Thing was, by the time he got sober, most of the town knew he was a drunk, and if your recent experience was witnessed by the neighbors, well--I know how quickly things get around in a small town. He got sober and his business improved.

So...why would you think that the (possible) news of your sobriety would be detrimental?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

least

Welcome to the family. I've had depression long before I started drinking. But now that I'm sober my anti-d's work as they should. Don't be afraid of them. There are many types and your doctor will work with you to find the right one(s).

Use your horrible experience to get and stay sober. Getting sober will eliminate the chance of you ever doing this again. You'll find a lot of support here.

Inafishbowl

Thank you so much for your replies. They mean the world to me right now. I'm clinging on to them right now.

Dairo, I def feel like an alcoholic, even though my patterns don't seem the norm. I need to stop. In a way I feel like it won't be horribly difficult, but then actually thinking of the "never again" scares me. Relapse scares me. What happened to me the other day, can't happen again.

I think I need to clarify what I mean by the "born again" factor. And I hope I'm not stepping in on my first post insulting anyone. Clearly I'm a mess. But my experience with people who I know in AA is that they are very much "my way or the highway or your screwed". I tend to get very turned off to that kind of attitude in anything. Religious, Mac vs PC, Coke vs. Pepsi, Repub vs. Dem.....You get the picture.

I know I need to get over the fear of anonymity. I have a business that is very involved with children. I have a blog and a facebook which has a fairly large following. It's not just this all getting out in my town. It's a fear of it going viral. I'm frightened as I type this that someone can figure out who I am. I'm no Lindsay Lohan, but you get the picture. It frightens me.

I do have to say I am very relived to see signs of Yoga. I have fallen out of Yoga for a few years after practicing for a very long time. My short term immediate plan is to make sure I'm back practicing 5 days a week. I certainly know this isn't an answer to my problems. But it is the closest thing to God I have ever experienced. I now that may sound weird.

Dee74

Hi inafishbowl

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

I agree with Anna about alcohol being progressive - the times I went back to drinking after a 'break' were always frightening in their intensity, in retrospect.

I would also tend to agree with your assessment about you being alcoholic - based on your description of past behaviour, and based on my experience that normal drinkers do not usually 'lose it' after maybe 3/4 of a bottle of wine and end up in jail.

I think it's good you're here and thinking about your future - whatever way you intend to play it

Welcome
D

nogard

WSelcome to SR good on you for making great decisions

Antiderivative

Hello and welcome to SR.

First off, when you get the log in screen after you been typing something for awhile, just re-log and what you typed will be posted if you hit the 'submit reply' button. I can imagine your frustration at thinking what you just completely lost your efforts, but it does get saved if you re-log back in.

As for AA, try a few different meeting a few different times. Maybe you can find a meeting that isn't filled with "born again" members. Hopefully, there are some meetings around you like that. I am not religious and do not believe in a supernatural personal higher power. I have been in AA for years. It is a remarkably simple design for living that has turned my life around.

It is about surrendering (i.e. giving up that fight with alcohol that you won't win), cleaning house (i.e. getting rid of your baggage), mending your past so you can live with it comfortably, doing the the next right thing with healthy and honest motives, having an attitude of gratitude, and being of service.

Perhaps I am oversimplifying things, but I like to keep things simple today. I find spirituality in simplicity. When I keep things simple, I can find my center. Slowly killing oneself with booze while traveling down a path of self-inflicted pain and misery is hardly spiritual. So today, I work on doing the opposite; living while traveling down a path filled with happiness and serenity.

However, that is just my experience. I hope you find what you need. There is definitely support here for you and there are various other paths to recovery other than AA.

I know you are in a bad place right now, but it does get better. Stay away from the bottle and focus on solutions--focus on doing the next right thing. With a some patience, effort, persistence, and asking for help when you need it, things will smooth out. They will get better.


p.s. Practicing yoga is a great way to find one's center. I thoroughly enjoyed yoga when I practiced and felt great afterwards. "

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community...

when I want to do a long post...I use Word..then C&P

Glad you are being pro active about your drinking.
My blackouts stopped when I quit drinking.

All my best to you and your family as you work for sobriety

Inafishbowl

Thank you so much. I am going to find a meeting. A real one and one online. The spirituality doesn't scare me so much. I am just overwhelmed. I think it's this depression that is scaring me more right now. I have had zero urge to drink. In fact, what scares me isnthat a little too. I have gone for long periods of time without drinking. It wasn't even that I had made a choice to quit. I just was busy or not in the mood. But then when I did, it was excessive. This frightens me a lot. Currently no desires. But I'm scared of that one day I do want to. Am I more apt to relapse because I drink less frequently?

LexieCat

Great--we have to be willing to push past that comfort zone if we are to accomplish anything.

I don't think that your drinking pattern has anything to do with whether you relapse. If you do the work necessary to recover, you will recover.

Here's a link I post a lot that seems to help a lot of people feeling a little leery about AA. It's all about what to expect at your first AA meeting. It seems to help a lot of folks feel a little less like they are walking into the unknown.

Sugah

One of the common misconceptions about alcoholism is that if you don't drink every day, you're not alcoholic.

When my children were very young, I would often stay away from alcohol during the week and then binge on the weekends. Or, when I was pregnant and nursing, I would forget, or re-imagine my past drinking--so that when they were weaned and it was once again "safe" for me to pick up a drink, I'd tell myself that the time away from drinking had "rebooted" me--that the mere fact that I had a small child to care for would be enough motivation to keep me from overdoing it.

The truth was (and is) that I cannot predict what will happen once I have the first drink--on willpower alone, I could not control the amount I drank, nor did I have any control over how I acted when drinking (especially if I was in a blackout, and I blacked out a lot). It's also somewhat of a miracle that I could abstain for as long as I did for my children's sake--most alcoholics can't quit drinking on the power of a good reason alone, and when I look back on it, I see it as a HP intervention of sorts. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't--I don't know.

Anyway, "HP" was our meeting topic last night, and the meeting was split about 50/50 between those who returned to a childhood religion and those who have developed a spirituality that doesn't include religion. The important thing I took away from it is that because a member has turned to religion to buttress the spirituality necessary to take the steps, it's not required. I'm not religious, but I've developed an open mind to accept that individual members may be. Individual members don't represent the program as a whole.

I can't say you're more likely to relapse because you drink less frequently. You can read the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, online--I'd suggest you read it and decide if you see yourself in its pages.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

newby1961

OMG I thought I was going to come unglued when I read the post telling someone they didn't think they were an alcoholic. It is my ESH that people have to make that judgement for themselves and its not my place to tell someone if they are or are not. My hope for you is that you will read some of the Big Book because there are chapters in there that talks about some of the topics you brought up. More about alcoholism, and the Dr's opinion goes into great detail in explaining the disease concept. Some chapters also go into how this is a spiritual program not a religious one and what the difference between the two are. I have to always remember that whenever i throw out questions I am going to get an array of opinions so I have to take what I need and leave the rest. In early recovery though sometimes its hard to know which opinion is the right one so I sort of go with the theory that if more than a few people are saying something I might want to take a look at it. Welcome to SR and Keep the Faith most of us have been right where you are and we get it.

julez

Hello and welcome.
I think that everyone here has said everything I'd like to say.
I can tell you that I take Cymbalta and it doesn't make me into someone different, just someone better.
I do AA and it isn't a cult, it isn't about being born again. It IS about having faith in something bigger than yourself, and clinging to that faith during the tough times. Its made me a better person in all areas of my life, not just helped with my drinking.
I can relate to the self hate. I can relate to the depression. Whether you are alcoholic or not, nothing is ever better when you drink.
I'm very sorry about what happened. I wish you the best of luck, and keep posting here.

dairo

Why should this person have to label themself an alcoholic? To scare her into thinking she is so she won't have another embarrassing day? Fine. But being able to pick up and put down a drink doesn't make you an alchi.