Finally made an appointment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Finally made an appointment
I finally made an appointment to see an attorney about divorcing my AH. The last appointment I made was in July ~ the attorney had to cancel and I never rescheduled it. I just kept putting it off. I've asked my husband to move out a few times - he says he will and then just never does.
I called in sick at work last October because I was going to stay home and tell my husband he had to leave and I was going to pursue a divorce... that very morning (at 5am), my dad suddenly died and I threw that idea out the window.
It is so hard to find the fuel to change out of this place of sadness! If I were angry and full of hate then it would be different, I think.
I'm trying to find the courage and strength to follow through with this... but I am going to be completely honest and say that I am so afraid for HIM. I am not worried about me being able to take care of myself ~ I am worried about what will happen to HIM. I know I don't have the power to change him, but I think he will completely unravel without me and the kids and it frightens me.
I'm sure you all get sick of hearing me go back and forth about all this. I just thought I would share where I am at today.
I called in sick at work last October because I was going to stay home and tell my husband he had to leave and I was going to pursue a divorce... that very morning (at 5am), my dad suddenly died and I threw that idea out the window.
It is so hard to find the fuel to change out of this place of sadness! If I were angry and full of hate then it would be different, I think.
I'm trying to find the courage and strength to follow through with this... but I am going to be completely honest and say that I am so afraid for HIM. I am not worried about me being able to take care of myself ~ I am worried about what will happen to HIM. I know I don't have the power to change him, but I think he will completely unravel without me and the kids and it frightens me.
I'm sure you all get sick of hearing me go back and forth about all this. I just thought I would share where I am at today.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think it's healthy that you talk about it.
I did the back and forth for years, but I built up obstacles for myself and sort of made myself think that it was impossible-er than it was.
I was worried about my AH too. When I left, one of my friend (who grew up with an alcoholic father) said, "You might have just done him the biggest favor anyone will ever do him in his life."
He was in rehab 24 hours after I left, and he's been sober since.
I'm not saying that's what always happens, but I got to a point where I really felt what people had been telling me all along -- that I wasn't responsible for him, but that I was responsible for me and the kids.
Good luck. You do have a right to choose yourself, you know.
I did the back and forth for years, but I built up obstacles for myself and sort of made myself think that it was impossible-er than it was.
I was worried about my AH too. When I left, one of my friend (who grew up with an alcoholic father) said, "You might have just done him the biggest favor anyone will ever do him in his life."
He was in rehab 24 hours after I left, and he's been sober since.
I'm not saying that's what always happens, but I got to a point where I really felt what people had been telling me all along -- that I wasn't responsible for him, but that I was responsible for me and the kids.
Good luck. You do have a right to choose yourself, you know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Thank you, Lillamy for the response. I "know" that I have a right to choose myself, but I guess knowing it and doing it are two different things.
Making the appointment felt like a huge step forward for me... it's empowering. I think I am fearful of taking this out of the closet and exposing our secret to the light of day. I hate the thought of creating a big public mess (if he won't agree to do this quietly). I prefer to maintain my dignity and I feel a lot of shame regarding this disease and the secrets surrounding it.
I appreciate the support I get here from my SR friends... thanks.
Making the appointment felt like a huge step forward for me... it's empowering. I think I am fearful of taking this out of the closet and exposing our secret to the light of day. I hate the thought of creating a big public mess (if he won't agree to do this quietly). I prefer to maintain my dignity and I feel a lot of shame regarding this disease and the secrets surrounding it.
I appreciate the support I get here from my SR friends... thanks.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am so afraid for HIM. I am not worried about me being able to take care of myself ~ I am worried about what will happen to HIM. I know I don't have the power to change him, but I think he will completely unravel without me and the kids and it frightens me.
We do them a disservice by not letting go and letting them sink or swim on their own.
I had to SINK, and sink deep, before I could even see what my life had become.
I had to let my little brother go completely, and cut all ties from him for quite a while. Just so he could learn to tread water. He is still struggling and sometimes floundering but he is clean and sober. And I have now learned how to support him from a distance.
Yes it hurts and yes it's difficult. Very difficult sometimes. But if you truly love him, you know in your heart it is the best thing for him to let go of his security blanket.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
I've been thinking about this for the last few days and I think what I am most afraid of is everybody finding out whats been going on... I am afraid he will call me/come see me at work and embarrass me. I am afraid that it will get very nasty around here and the cops will need to come to the house. I'm afraid that he will show up on the news if he gets another dui. It all seems so shallow of me, but I think that might be what been holding me back. I really hate being in the spotlight, but I hate living with an alcoholic more!
On a side note - since I have made my appointment with the lawyer last week, another family member has died and my 50 year old brother in law had a pretty massive stroke. What does all this mean I wonder? Sometimes life just really stinks.
On a side note - since I have made my appointment with the lawyer last week, another family member has died and my 50 year old brother in law had a pretty massive stroke. What does all this mean I wonder? Sometimes life just really stinks.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
First so sorry for the death in the family and your BIL. These can be stressful times and you have a lot you are dealing with. Remember to be good to yourself first and to think of you and your needs.
Sending out lots of hugs and prayers your way.
Sending out lots of hugs and prayers your way.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
I prefer to maintain my dignity and I feel a lot of shame regarding this disease and the secrets surrounding it.
I had a lot of shame too, mine got better then went away completely.
It helped me to remember my wifes alcoholism wasn't my fault or responsibility, and CatsPajama's signature line, "What other people think of me is none of my business".
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I had a lot of shame too, mine got better then went away completely.
It helped me to remember my wifes alcoholism wasn't my fault or responsibility, and CatsPajama's signature line, "What other people think of me is none of my business".
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: mo.
Posts: 15
KerBearz Im in your same shoes with a 1 yr old and 2 yr old....I don't want my children living with her alone as I know alone she will self destruct. I am sick every night I think about it. But all I do is pray that God will help me through all of this. Stay strong! This site has really helped me to realize im not alone.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
(((KerBearz)))
First, congratulations on taking a big step. Just making the appointment is a big deal. And coming here to "say it out loud" is also a big deal. We all have to make decisions that we can live with in our own time. It sounds like this is your time to make a change, but it's definitely not easy.
When I first started to fantasize about leaving my AH and having a sane, healthy life again, I was ashamed to even admit it to myself. The very first "person" I told what I was really thinking was this board. Then, I shared with a very few people in real life: my mom and my best friend.
I had been dreading the reactions of people who know me, afraid that they would fault me, just like AH did. But to my surprise, I should have trusted them much sooner. Mom and best friend were on MY side. They didn't blame me, they had my back, and they let me know that they would love me and support me no matter what I decided to do. And so, in my experience, a lot of the shame was in my head, and a lot of that was put there by AH. I still haven't told too many people that I have moved out and filed for divorce, as it is none of most people's business.
One other thing that has surprised me is the number of people who have told me that they admire how brave and strong I am (me?!) for standing up for myself and being smart enough to change my situation. I'm not particularly brave, but I'm certainly no martyr, and I have to just keep telling myself that my life IS worth saving. Can't save him, but I CAN save me!
I still feel some guilt along the lines of why I didn't know better, and how could I have failed at my marriage. But then I think of how bad I will feel if 5, 10, 20 years go by and I find that I have wasted my life in a chaotic, unhealthy environment where I am subject to an AH who makes me feel worthless every single day. I made a mistake. I can live with that. But I'm not willing to pay with the rest of my life.
KerBearz, you don't deserve to pay with the rest of your life either! You are a smart, caring, and thoughtful woman, and you and your kids deserve so much more. My thoughts and prayers are with you! Please keep us posted on how it's going.
First, congratulations on taking a big step. Just making the appointment is a big deal. And coming here to "say it out loud" is also a big deal. We all have to make decisions that we can live with in our own time. It sounds like this is your time to make a change, but it's definitely not easy.
When I first started to fantasize about leaving my AH and having a sane, healthy life again, I was ashamed to even admit it to myself. The very first "person" I told what I was really thinking was this board. Then, I shared with a very few people in real life: my mom and my best friend.
I had been dreading the reactions of people who know me, afraid that they would fault me, just like AH did. But to my surprise, I should have trusted them much sooner. Mom and best friend were on MY side. They didn't blame me, they had my back, and they let me know that they would love me and support me no matter what I decided to do. And so, in my experience, a lot of the shame was in my head, and a lot of that was put there by AH. I still haven't told too many people that I have moved out and filed for divorce, as it is none of most people's business.
One other thing that has surprised me is the number of people who have told me that they admire how brave and strong I am (me?!) for standing up for myself and being smart enough to change my situation. I'm not particularly brave, but I'm certainly no martyr, and I have to just keep telling myself that my life IS worth saving. Can't save him, but I CAN save me!
I still feel some guilt along the lines of why I didn't know better, and how could I have failed at my marriage. But then I think of how bad I will feel if 5, 10, 20 years go by and I find that I have wasted my life in a chaotic, unhealthy environment where I am subject to an AH who makes me feel worthless every single day. I made a mistake. I can live with that. But I'm not willing to pay with the rest of my life.
KerBearz, you don't deserve to pay with the rest of your life either! You are a smart, caring, and thoughtful woman, and you and your kids deserve so much more. My thoughts and prayers are with you! Please keep us posted on how it's going.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by SashaMB 
I had been dreading the reactions of people who know me, afraid that they would fault me, just like AH did. But to my surprise, I should have trusted them much sooner. Mom and best friend were on MY side. They didn't blame me, they had my back, and they let me know that they would love me and support me no matter what I decided to do. And so, in my experience, a lot of the shame was in my head, and a lot of that was put there by AH. I still haven't told too many people that I have moved out and filed for divorce, as it is none of most people's business.
I appreciate the support from you all - my appointment is on Monday and I am making a list of questions that I have for her. At this point I am completely overwhelmed and don't even know where to start ~ but with your help and God's help I will keep moving forward.
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