Concerned son of enabling parents
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Concerned son of enabling parents
My adopted brother has ADHD, fetal alcohol syndrome and is addicted to drugs, most recently crack. He lies and steals to get money to keep himself on it. In recent years my parents (who go to a local community group for parents of addicts and are well-read on the subject) took the tough love approach, read him the riot act , posted a list of rules and showed him the door when he did not comply. The thing is, he always comes back, and they keep letting him in.
I'm the eldest sibling and I have young kids. My parents used to look after my kids (my mom ran a daycare in her home) until I pulled them from their house because of my drug addicted brother. The major incident that forced us to take that decision was child abuse, an sexual invitation to touch made by my then 16 year old drug-addicted brother to a 6 year old he was babysitting outside of their home.
At the time my parents were devastated, they did all the right things, called police, informed all the parents in their daaycare, etc. got my brother help. My main concern, the child to whom the abuse was directed was moderately unfazed by the incident, not really understanding what had taken place. Understandably, all of the other parents pulled out their kids but my parent's were very upset when I pulled mine out as well. To this day, 5 years later, they still do not understand why we removed their grandchildren due to my brother's presence.
At the same time my brother began stealing from my parents and selling jewelery and tools to finance his drug habit. He forged cheques and was caught by the bank(no consequences). He purchased items online after hacking into my father's email and paypal account and then traded or sold these items, with little or no consequence. I helped my parents hook up an telephone audio recorder and computer key-logger and recorded him talking on the phone and chatting online about stealing items like my parent's coin collections (something they had been collecting all their lives). I helped my father install a huge safe in his bedroom which my brother promptly broke into using the emergency key which had not been secured.
He often brought stray people home, "friends" of his whom my parents did not know but sheltered until it was discovered that they were just like my brother. My parents got my brother an apartment at one point, and paid for him to stay there. He ended up having his friends stay with him and my parents financed their parties. At one point my father, who would visit regularly, found drugs and money in a box at the apartment and took it to police. My brother of course denied everything. In one disturbing incident, my mother paid off my brother's drug dealer, a $400 tab so he could be "rid of this burden and have some peace of mind and start over with a clean slate". Start a clean drug tab you mean (my god that sounds crazy when I write it but it is all true).
When he did not follow the rules, they kicked him out but were stuck with the lease and had to find renters to sub-let. My parents and I had to go in and clean the place and empty it for the new renters and of course my brother was not there to help out.
He left and returned to my parents home several time after this seemingly with a clean slate every time. At one point he was prostituting himself with old men (he is gay) in the summer camping trailer my parents park in the driveway when it is not in use.
This past summer he showed up with a long lost 'cousin' who none of us had ever heard of. When i questioned this 'cousin' he could not tell me how they were related so when I told my parents I was concerned they became defensive and told me "You go tell him he can't stay!" meaning, the poor kid has no place to go, we can't turn him away! As it turns out, this 'cousin' was my brother's new boyfriend and he was just like my brother: lazy, did not work and would rather steal money to buy drugs and hang out. That kid was like a Yoko Ono and followed my brother everywhere (he often showed up with companions like this, always a package deal for my parents).
While at my parents home they set up a live internet porn service in the basement with a sexual price list, all under my parent's noses. I stumbled across it while fixing the family laptop when I was over for dinner. The site has since been taken down but not the foreign mirror sites which are still being published and may never go away. He foolishly used his main paypal email address so anyone googling him will get these sites now(my brother is not very computer savvy).
The most recent thing he did before he was last kicked out was steal my mother's credit card and rack up six thousand dollars on a week-long trip visiting casinos and expensive hotels. He had the PIN number of the card because my father was rushed to the hospital that week (heart attack, probably induced by the constant stress) and my mother gave him the PIN to get gas and food money. He denied doing this but he had used the car's GPS for his little getaway and it left a track log to every place the card was used and it matched up perfectly with the transaction times. The thief would have had to have stolen his car and GPS to commit the crime.
And this is just the stuff I know about. I know my parents don't tell me all of it. And they only know about the stuff he gets caught at.
Speaking of cars, since the age of 18 my parents have bought my brother several cars which he has either smashed or let go into ruin. There was one car accident that my parents were able to bargain down with the police so he could keep his license. The car he is driving today was paid for by my grandmother and he still has it, even after he stole the $6000 some odd dollars on the credit card. A few months ago my father paid for it to be repaired.
In any event, he is back again, saying he needs help and want to go to rehab in a particular town very far away. My parents have bought into it and came to tell us this week that he is back in their home and feels very bad about himself and were very angry with me when i told them that I am not bringing my kids anywhere near him while he waits to get into rehab. For probably the 4th or 5th time, I am the bad guy for protecting my kids the way my parents are protecting my stupid idiot criminal drug addict brother. The only way I would consider letting my kids go there without me while my brother is there is just to appease my parents and that is no kind of reason. They are adults and they need to understand the situation from my perspective.
It's almost as if my parents are on drugs and that drug is my brother. They are protective enablers and caretakers to the 10th degree, doing everything for him and covering up his mistakes and forgiving his theft and destruction and absolving him of any responsibility. They set him up in an environment where he doesn't have to worry about anything and he will get what he wants no matter how deceitful he acts. They have taught him that "it is ok to steal from Mom and Dad, we will never press charges and always let you keep doing it". He knows that because he has some problems, he had a free card to act and do whatever he wants, without consequence. It's like diplomatic immunity for criminals and drug addicts. They also believe him when he tells them things. There is one surefire way to tell when my brother is lying. It's when he opens his mouth and words come out. They are very proud of the fact they he has no criminal record. "COME AGAIN?" Why is this something to be proud of? It's all because of them though, they deserve the credit for that one! Personally, I think my brother could use a lot of jail time.
What in god's name are you supposed to do when you're a concerned son to parents who are acting like this? I feel like going to the help-group they go to once a month for parents of addicts and lay all this crap out for them in front of the other people. They are obviously not learning ANYTHING!
I cut my brother loose about 2 years ago. I'm about ready to cut my parents loose as well. I have no desire to keep visiting crazy-town.
Has anyone else had this issue with the parents and how did this turn out? It's like a record that keeps skipping.
I'm the eldest sibling and I have young kids. My parents used to look after my kids (my mom ran a daycare in her home) until I pulled them from their house because of my drug addicted brother. The major incident that forced us to take that decision was child abuse, an sexual invitation to touch made by my then 16 year old drug-addicted brother to a 6 year old he was babysitting outside of their home.
At the time my parents were devastated, they did all the right things, called police, informed all the parents in their daaycare, etc. got my brother help. My main concern, the child to whom the abuse was directed was moderately unfazed by the incident, not really understanding what had taken place. Understandably, all of the other parents pulled out their kids but my parent's were very upset when I pulled mine out as well. To this day, 5 years later, they still do not understand why we removed their grandchildren due to my brother's presence.
At the same time my brother began stealing from my parents and selling jewelery and tools to finance his drug habit. He forged cheques and was caught by the bank(no consequences). He purchased items online after hacking into my father's email and paypal account and then traded or sold these items, with little or no consequence. I helped my parents hook up an telephone audio recorder and computer key-logger and recorded him talking on the phone and chatting online about stealing items like my parent's coin collections (something they had been collecting all their lives). I helped my father install a huge safe in his bedroom which my brother promptly broke into using the emergency key which had not been secured.
He often brought stray people home, "friends" of his whom my parents did not know but sheltered until it was discovered that they were just like my brother. My parents got my brother an apartment at one point, and paid for him to stay there. He ended up having his friends stay with him and my parents financed their parties. At one point my father, who would visit regularly, found drugs and money in a box at the apartment and took it to police. My brother of course denied everything. In one disturbing incident, my mother paid off my brother's drug dealer, a $400 tab so he could be "rid of this burden and have some peace of mind and start over with a clean slate". Start a clean drug tab you mean (my god that sounds crazy when I write it but it is all true).
When he did not follow the rules, they kicked him out but were stuck with the lease and had to find renters to sub-let. My parents and I had to go in and clean the place and empty it for the new renters and of course my brother was not there to help out.
He left and returned to my parents home several time after this seemingly with a clean slate every time. At one point he was prostituting himself with old men (he is gay) in the summer camping trailer my parents park in the driveway when it is not in use.
This past summer he showed up with a long lost 'cousin' who none of us had ever heard of. When i questioned this 'cousin' he could not tell me how they were related so when I told my parents I was concerned they became defensive and told me "You go tell him he can't stay!" meaning, the poor kid has no place to go, we can't turn him away! As it turns out, this 'cousin' was my brother's new boyfriend and he was just like my brother: lazy, did not work and would rather steal money to buy drugs and hang out. That kid was like a Yoko Ono and followed my brother everywhere (he often showed up with companions like this, always a package deal for my parents).
While at my parents home they set up a live internet porn service in the basement with a sexual price list, all under my parent's noses. I stumbled across it while fixing the family laptop when I was over for dinner. The site has since been taken down but not the foreign mirror sites which are still being published and may never go away. He foolishly used his main paypal email address so anyone googling him will get these sites now(my brother is not very computer savvy).
The most recent thing he did before he was last kicked out was steal my mother's credit card and rack up six thousand dollars on a week-long trip visiting casinos and expensive hotels. He had the PIN number of the card because my father was rushed to the hospital that week (heart attack, probably induced by the constant stress) and my mother gave him the PIN to get gas and food money. He denied doing this but he had used the car's GPS for his little getaway and it left a track log to every place the card was used and it matched up perfectly with the transaction times. The thief would have had to have stolen his car and GPS to commit the crime.
And this is just the stuff I know about. I know my parents don't tell me all of it. And they only know about the stuff he gets caught at.
Speaking of cars, since the age of 18 my parents have bought my brother several cars which he has either smashed or let go into ruin. There was one car accident that my parents were able to bargain down with the police so he could keep his license. The car he is driving today was paid for by my grandmother and he still has it, even after he stole the $6000 some odd dollars on the credit card. A few months ago my father paid for it to be repaired.
In any event, he is back again, saying he needs help and want to go to rehab in a particular town very far away. My parents have bought into it and came to tell us this week that he is back in their home and feels very bad about himself and were very angry with me when i told them that I am not bringing my kids anywhere near him while he waits to get into rehab. For probably the 4th or 5th time, I am the bad guy for protecting my kids the way my parents are protecting my stupid idiot criminal drug addict brother. The only way I would consider letting my kids go there without me while my brother is there is just to appease my parents and that is no kind of reason. They are adults and they need to understand the situation from my perspective.
It's almost as if my parents are on drugs and that drug is my brother. They are protective enablers and caretakers to the 10th degree, doing everything for him and covering up his mistakes and forgiving his theft and destruction and absolving him of any responsibility. They set him up in an environment where he doesn't have to worry about anything and he will get what he wants no matter how deceitful he acts. They have taught him that "it is ok to steal from Mom and Dad, we will never press charges and always let you keep doing it". He knows that because he has some problems, he had a free card to act and do whatever he wants, without consequence. It's like diplomatic immunity for criminals and drug addicts. They also believe him when he tells them things. There is one surefire way to tell when my brother is lying. It's when he opens his mouth and words come out. They are very proud of the fact they he has no criminal record. "COME AGAIN?" Why is this something to be proud of? It's all because of them though, they deserve the credit for that one! Personally, I think my brother could use a lot of jail time.
What in god's name are you supposed to do when you're a concerned son to parents who are acting like this? I feel like going to the help-group they go to once a month for parents of addicts and lay all this crap out for them in front of the other people. They are obviously not learning ANYTHING!
I cut my brother loose about 2 years ago. I'm about ready to cut my parents loose as well. I have no desire to keep visiting crazy-town.
Has anyone else had this issue with the parents and how did this turn out? It's like a record that keeps skipping.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I think your parents are a perfect example of guilt and pity in action. They also show all of us how you can love your child to death.
Thank you for sharing it with us and I am sorry you are going through this.
Thank you for sharing it with us and I am sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((MrSpock))) - welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brought you here.
First of all, I want to commend you for keeping your kids away from them, despite the backlash.
I'm going through something similar. My 17-year-old niece has been raised by my dad and stepmom (stepmom is her grandmother). B's mom died in a car wreck when B was 1, her dad is a raging addict, currently in jail. B has addiction in every single member of her family, all the way back to great-grandparents. My stepmom is a codie-queen...she abuses pills, has let B do whatever she wants, with no consequences, as a way to "make it up to her for not having a mom".
I'm an RA. I've got almost 4 years clean, but due to the mess I put myself in, I'm living at home. B moved out 6 months ago. She came home, a couple nights this week (needed a ride to her job) and was slightly drunk, the first night...seriously messed up on pills and liquor the second night. I had to barricade myself in my room because she wanted to fight me. I told her if she laid a hand on me, I was calling the cops, knowing full well that the entire family would be furious with me. She didn't hit me, but kept screaming "hit me b***h".
I've been in the dysfunction for the entire time I've been in recovery. I FINALLY realized, the other night, I don't even want to be a part of this family. Yes, I still love them, but I'm fed up with everything.
I can't leave...my dad is helping to support me, despite my working several jobs and going back to school.
I've decided I'm just not going to get into any more family drama. If B comes back, in the same shape, I'm grabbing my favorite cat (Elvis..he's sick, and I won't leave him). I have an escape plan...if I have to sleep in my car, I'll have blankets, but I do know of someone who would pay for a motel room if I needed it. B hasn't gotten as bad as your brother, but she's had numerous cell phones and laptops replaced...most when she was drunk and didn't realize they were gone.
It's taken a LONG time for me to get to this point. A very dear friend of mine, from here, told me that this is actually healthy. She explained that it's like we've been put on an alien planet..don't speak the language, up is down, red is black, etc. It really clicked with me.
I love my family. I'm grateful for the help they've given me. But since hearing that her terrorizing me is partly MY fault (it wasn't in any kind of way), I've had it. I have my jobs, school, etc. that will keep me busy. B wants all 4 of us to sit down and talk, and I'm not going to do it. I'll be busy.
I've had several people, here, tell me they were in the same place. Some have absolutely no contact, I can't do that with my circumstances.
I feel like I'm the "bad kid"...causing all the trouble. I finally realized that I really can't do anything about them, and I can only take care of me.
It's okay to feel the way you're feeling. I love B, with all my heart...she's like the child I never had, but I simply will no longer tolerate bad behavior, and I will not enable her.
You are doing an awesome job!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
First of all, I want to commend you for keeping your kids away from them, despite the backlash.
I'm going through something similar. My 17-year-old niece has been raised by my dad and stepmom (stepmom is her grandmother). B's mom died in a car wreck when B was 1, her dad is a raging addict, currently in jail. B has addiction in every single member of her family, all the way back to great-grandparents. My stepmom is a codie-queen...she abuses pills, has let B do whatever she wants, with no consequences, as a way to "make it up to her for not having a mom".
I'm an RA. I've got almost 4 years clean, but due to the mess I put myself in, I'm living at home. B moved out 6 months ago. She came home, a couple nights this week (needed a ride to her job) and was slightly drunk, the first night...seriously messed up on pills and liquor the second night. I had to barricade myself in my room because she wanted to fight me. I told her if she laid a hand on me, I was calling the cops, knowing full well that the entire family would be furious with me. She didn't hit me, but kept screaming "hit me b***h".
I've been in the dysfunction for the entire time I've been in recovery. I FINALLY realized, the other night, I don't even want to be a part of this family. Yes, I still love them, but I'm fed up with everything.
I can't leave...my dad is helping to support me, despite my working several jobs and going back to school.
I've decided I'm just not going to get into any more family drama. If B comes back, in the same shape, I'm grabbing my favorite cat (Elvis..he's sick, and I won't leave him). I have an escape plan...if I have to sleep in my car, I'll have blankets, but I do know of someone who would pay for a motel room if I needed it. B hasn't gotten as bad as your brother, but she's had numerous cell phones and laptops replaced...most when she was drunk and didn't realize they were gone.
It's taken a LONG time for me to get to this point. A very dear friend of mine, from here, told me that this is actually healthy. She explained that it's like we've been put on an alien planet..don't speak the language, up is down, red is black, etc. It really clicked with me.
I love my family. I'm grateful for the help they've given me. But since hearing that her terrorizing me is partly MY fault (it wasn't in any kind of way), I've had it. I have my jobs, school, etc. that will keep me busy. B wants all 4 of us to sit down and talk, and I'm not going to do it. I'll be busy.
I've had several people, here, tell me they were in the same place. Some have absolutely no contact, I can't do that with my circumstances.
I feel like I'm the "bad kid"...causing all the trouble. I finally realized that I really can't do anything about them, and I can only take care of me.
It's okay to feel the way you're feeling. I love B, with all my heart...she's like the child I never had, but I simply will no longer tolerate bad behavior, and I will not enable her.
You are doing an awesome job!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Mr Spock:
My heart goes out to you. You ARE doing the right thing by keeping your kids away from all this chaos.
BTW...how did you get so smart? Pat yourself on the back for remaining sane during all of this.
I'm early in recovery to give any advice/input, but the less I deal with all of the chaos, which is family, the better I am to deal w/my own issues.
My heart goes out to you. You ARE doing the right thing by keeping your kids away from all this chaos.
BTW...how did you get so smart? Pat yourself on the back for remaining sane during all of this.
I'm early in recovery to give any advice/input, but the less I deal with all of the chaos, which is family, the better I am to deal w/my own issues.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by MrSpock 
What in god's name are you supposed to do when you're a concerned son to parents who are acting like this? I feel like going to the help-group they go to once a month for parents of addicts and lay all this crap out for them in front of the other people. They are obviously not learning ANYTHING!
I cut my brother loose about 2 years ago. I'm about ready to cut my parents loose as well. I have no desire to keep visiting crazy-town.
Has anyone else had this issue with the parents and how did this turn out? It's like a record that keeps skipping.
I cut my brother loose about 2 years ago. I'm about ready to cut my parents loose as well. I have no desire to keep visiting crazy-town.
Has anyone else had this issue with the parents and how did this turn out? It's like a record that keeps skipping.
Protecting your children and your own sanity are your obligations. Only you can decide when to cut off the crazy train. Only you can decide to let go of your expectations that your parents will get it and your anger/frustration, when and if they do not.
I would not expose my children to anyone who has a grey area as it relates to sexual misconduct, with minors. Your parents are free to do as they chose to do. A solid boundary lets go of the outcome.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
MrSpock
Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you're here. Addiction is a family disease and it affects everyone to varying degrees and in varying ways. I hope you find help and comfort here.
Your post was one of the most observant and well written posts I have ever read here on SR. Beautifully expressed. It describes in vivid detail the ridiculous things that parents will do for their addicted child.
They aren't "almost"......they are as addicted to your brother as he is to drugs. It is a very common thing in families dealing with addiction.
You are not the bad guy....you are the responsible guy. You are doing what you need to do to protect your children from exposure to the disease of addiction. Part of the crazy making of this disease is that the healthy one is often blamed and guilted for not participating.
We are told that the best thing we can do for the addict is to stop enabling them. As was mentioned above, we can love the addict......to death. Taking the perspective that your parents are the addicts and their DOC (drug of choice) is your brother, the best thing may be to stop visiting crazytown.
I almost lost my daughter (not addicted) due to my enabling behaviors with my addicted son. What finally made me realize it? When she stopped visiting crazytown--and I WAS crazy. She moved a few cities away, she stopped calling, and wouldn't listen to my ridiculous statements. I figured it out. It was HER actions to protect her own sanity that helped me find MY way to recovery.
Maintaining strong boundaries does not make you the bad guy. You have every right NOT to participate in the dance of addiction. Let the music play without you. It's ok.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you're here. Addiction is a family disease and it affects everyone to varying degrees and in varying ways. I hope you find help and comfort here.
Your post was one of the most observant and well written posts I have ever read here on SR. Beautifully expressed. It describes in vivid detail the ridiculous things that parents will do for their addicted child.
It's almost as if my parents are on drugs and that drug is my brother.
For probably the 4th or 5th time, I am the bad guy for protecting my kids the way my parents are protecting my stupid idiot criminal drug addict brother.
What in god's name are you supposed to do when you're a concerned son to parents who are acting like this? I feel like going to the help-group they go to once a month for parents of addicts and lay all this crap out for them in front of the other people. They are obviously not learning ANYTHING!
I cut my brother loose about 2 years ago. I'm about ready to cut my parents loose as well. I have no desire to keep visiting crazy-town.
Has anyone else had this issue with the parents and how did this turn out? It's like a record that keeps skipping.
I cut my brother loose about 2 years ago. I'm about ready to cut my parents loose as well. I have no desire to keep visiting crazy-town.
Has anyone else had this issue with the parents and how did this turn out? It's like a record that keeps skipping.
I almost lost my daughter (not addicted) due to my enabling behaviors with my addicted son. What finally made me realize it? When she stopped visiting crazytown--and I WAS crazy. She moved a few cities away, she stopped calling, and wouldn't listen to my ridiculous statements. I figured it out. It was HER actions to protect her own sanity that helped me find MY way to recovery.
Maintaining strong boundaries does not make you the bad guy. You have every right NOT to participate in the dance of addiction. Let the music play without you. It's ok.
gentle hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Have you focused on your own role in all of this? Remaining emeshed in the chaos, cleaning up after the mess, playing detective, wanting to expose them for not learning, all sound like symptons of your own codependency- .
They make it easier for him to keep making a mess of his life and I get to help clean it up? I am enabling enablers. How could I have been doing that for so many years and never noticed?
The only person that can change my mind about my addict brother is my addict brother. Not my parents, not anyone. And it's through his actions not his words. It's what he DOES that is the key. He SAYS all kinds of things, when you look at what he does, that's the real story.
I have a sad feeling this problem is going to solve itself in a very bad way either through a fatal STD or a car accident or an overdose. Hopefully no one else is taken along with him in the process.
Thank you for pointing that out. I will be sure to stick to the plan to stay out of crazy town now more than ever.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by MrSpock
You are so right. These incidents span a 5 year period and in the first 3 or 4 of those I was right there in bizarro world.
Hello neighbor. I used to live there , myself.
It's only in the last year and a half that I have stepped back and refused to go there. Now I only get involved when my own family, or parent's health or property gets threatened (Heart attacks, computer forensics trying to recover money, etc) but after reading what you typed I am thinking I should not be helping my parents AT ALL anymore.
Of course this does not mean the same thing as not caring about them or their welfare.
They make it easier for him to keep making a mess of his life and I get to help clean it up? I am enabling enablers. How could I have been doing that for so many years and never noticed?
It also makes it easier for them to mess up their own lives....and that's their choice.
I have a sad feeling this problem is going to solve itself in a very bad way either through a fatal STD or a car accident or an overdose. Hopefully no one else is taken along with him in the process.
I see that you are also a fortune teller.
staying in the present is hard work, for me. When I slip I am off onto projecting all my worst fears. Coming here with frequency helps to remind me to stay in the present.
Thank you for pointing that out. I will be sure to stick to the plan to stay out of crazy town now more than ever.
Hello neighbor. I used to live there , myself.
It's only in the last year and a half that I have stepped back and refused to go there. Now I only get involved when my own family, or parent's health or property gets threatened (Heart attacks, computer forensics trying to recover money, etc) but after reading what you typed I am thinking I should not be helping my parents AT ALL anymore.
Of course this does not mean the same thing as not caring about them or their welfare.
They make it easier for him to keep making a mess of his life and I get to help clean it up? I am enabling enablers. How could I have been doing that for so many years and never noticed?
It also makes it easier for them to mess up their own lives....and that's their choice.
I have a sad feeling this problem is going to solve itself in a very bad way either through a fatal STD or a car accident or an overdose. Hopefully no one else is taken along with him in the process.
I see that you are also a fortune teller.
staying in the present is hard work, for me. When I slip I am off onto projecting all my worst fears. Coming here with frequency helps to remind me to stay in the present.Thank you for pointing that out. I will be sure to stick to the plan to stay out of crazy town now more than ever.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by MrSpock
I am enabling enablers. How could I have been doing that for so many years and never noticed?
You seem to have excellent thought processing with an open mind. That will help you get over the hump and back to controlling YOUR life. I'm fully capable of connecting the dots with my personal issues, but took a while before I actually did the work.
I read this somewhere on the boards the other day, can't remember where --
"You don't have problems, you have solutions you don't like."
That fit me to a tee and thankfully it doesn't seem to fit you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by outtolunch
I see that you are also a fortune teller. staying in the present is hard work, for me. When I slip I am off onto projecting all my worst fears. Coming here with frequency helps to remind me to stay in the present..
I don't have a crystal ball so much as a history book. Given a set of circumstances and key players it's easy to think of the most probable negative outcomes based on the past history. Unfortunately the crystal ball/history book is right most of the time.
What happens is when I mention to my parents that "Do you think this is the best thing to do for him? There's a chance that If you do this for him something like this...bla bla bla is going to happen because the the last time he was in a similar situation he did this...". And then it happens, almost exactly like the bla bla bla part.
I find out sometimes 4 months later about these incidents because they just don't tell me about it when they occur because they are embarrassed. They don't want to be told "I told you so!". Which I'd never do. It's not about that. It's about not helping someone hurt themselves and you.. Again.. And again..
Oddly enough, I'm not losing any sleep over the whole thing any more. I think it helped to get some of it out to you guys.
Thanks for that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
This 'fool' is keeping the whole family hostage and centered on "HIM". Everyone has to suffer his consequences. Why, pray tell, why would you let him and his bad/selfish choices ruin your life if you have your own family to think of.
I could see if he showed with action that he's trying, but all he's doing is "stealing" money, time, love, anything he can get for FREE and never intending to consider what he's putting others through.
Awful!!!! It needs to stop.
I could see if he showed with action that he's trying, but all he's doing is "stealing" money, time, love, anything he can get for FREE and never intending to consider what he's putting others through.
Awful!!!! It needs to stop.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Thanks for all the kind words. It was mentioned to me the other day that my parents may be crisis junkies. It goes in line with the work my father did before he retired and the work my mother did (taking care of child wards of the state removed from their biological homes of which my brother was one before our family adopted him).
Another thing that has taken me too long to notice is that they can't seem to take any HARD decisions with my brother very well. When I had to pull my kids out of their house (Mom had a daycare to which we happily brought our kids to while we were at work) because of my brother's behavior and their choices in how they handled it it was one of the hardest things I had ever done. My parents felt betrayed and I was made to feel horrible about the decision.
Weeks later, after a lot of second guessing it occurred to my wife and I that most often, the RIGHT decision is hard as hell while taking the EASY way out (status quo, take a chance and hope nothing bad happens) can be the absolute wrong thing to do. We were right then, we are right now, and it's a pity that it is not understood by my parents.
I realize now that my parents do not want to make the HARD type of decisions. They do not want to press charges when my brother commits crimes against them, they do not want to consistently enforce the rules and they do not want to hold him accountable for his actions and behavior.
In re-visting all of the crap I remembered the thing that set me off that day when we pulled them out. I was bathing my 6 year old in the tub and she told me that her uncle "Pushed Grandma down on the floor and she cried but then she laughed and it was just a joke...". I let it go by for a sec and then asked her about it. "Was Grandpa there? Hmm, she was ok? well, that's odd.. ". I called my parents after I put her to bed and absolutely lit into my father when he answered the phone.
"Why do I have to find out from my six year old kid at tub-time that my brother is knocking my mother to the floor in front of a bunch of day kids?"
I was F U R I O U S. And so was he, at me.. he told me it was nothing and it was blown out of proportion and my mother got on the phone to tell me that I wasn't there and I don't know and I'm looking for any excuse to dislike my brother and then they hung up on me. It had to be true then. The only way people act like that is when they are confronted with the truth about something they'd rather not talk about. I'd seen it plenty of times already.
So I drove over. I was seeing red and a strange humming noise was emanating from my brain. My dad met me at the front door (he had called back and found that I was on my way over from my wife, my parents phone always seem to hang up on me accidentally on purpose like that..) and we had a screaming match on the front lawn. It's a wonder some neighbor didn't call the police. My brother came outside and was yelling at me and he wanted to fight, and even though I kept telling myself not to take the bait it's the closest I had come to knocking him unconscious into next week. My mother came out and was crying. My dad restrained my brother and got him back into the house and I left.
I cried on the car drive home (and I go years without crying).. All I could think about was how this great family life we all thought we had had been thrown under the bus by this alien living in my parent's house. That and the distinct feeling I had that if it had come to blows between my adopted brother and I, my parents probably would have had me charged with assault (maybe not.. they have a hard time doing that it seems).
I brought my kids back the next day. It was a Friday and we were on vacation for 3 weeks after that and they never went back....
Is it ok to give up on an addict after 5 years? I'm sensitive to the fact that there are recovering people reading this, but.. seriously.. It's too late. He'd have to be clean and sober with weekly printouts of drug screenings before I'd entertain any thought of returning to normalcy with him..
Another thing that has taken me too long to notice is that they can't seem to take any HARD decisions with my brother very well. When I had to pull my kids out of their house (Mom had a daycare to which we happily brought our kids to while we were at work) because of my brother's behavior and their choices in how they handled it it was one of the hardest things I had ever done. My parents felt betrayed and I was made to feel horrible about the decision.
Weeks later, after a lot of second guessing it occurred to my wife and I that most often, the RIGHT decision is hard as hell while taking the EASY way out (status quo, take a chance and hope nothing bad happens) can be the absolute wrong thing to do. We were right then, we are right now, and it's a pity that it is not understood by my parents.
I realize now that my parents do not want to make the HARD type of decisions. They do not want to press charges when my brother commits crimes against them, they do not want to consistently enforce the rules and they do not want to hold him accountable for his actions and behavior.
In re-visting all of the crap I remembered the thing that set me off that day when we pulled them out. I was bathing my 6 year old in the tub and she told me that her uncle "Pushed Grandma down on the floor and she cried but then she laughed and it was just a joke...". I let it go by for a sec and then asked her about it. "Was Grandpa there? Hmm, she was ok? well, that's odd.. ". I called my parents after I put her to bed and absolutely lit into my father when he answered the phone.
"Why do I have to find out from my six year old kid at tub-time that my brother is knocking my mother to the floor in front of a bunch of day kids?"
I was F U R I O U S. And so was he, at me.. he told me it was nothing and it was blown out of proportion and my mother got on the phone to tell me that I wasn't there and I don't know and I'm looking for any excuse to dislike my brother and then they hung up on me. It had to be true then. The only way people act like that is when they are confronted with the truth about something they'd rather not talk about. I'd seen it plenty of times already.
So I drove over. I was seeing red and a strange humming noise was emanating from my brain. My dad met me at the front door (he had called back and found that I was on my way over from my wife, my parents phone always seem to hang up on me accidentally on purpose like that..) and we had a screaming match on the front lawn. It's a wonder some neighbor didn't call the police. My brother came outside and was yelling at me and he wanted to fight, and even though I kept telling myself not to take the bait it's the closest I had come to knocking him unconscious into next week. My mother came out and was crying. My dad restrained my brother and got him back into the house and I left.
I cried on the car drive home (and I go years without crying).. All I could think about was how this great family life we all thought we had had been thrown under the bus by this alien living in my parent's house. That and the distinct feeling I had that if it had come to blows between my adopted brother and I, my parents probably would have had me charged with assault (maybe not.. they have a hard time doing that it seems).
I brought my kids back the next day. It was a Friday and we were on vacation for 3 weeks after that and they never went back....
Is it ok to give up on an addict after 5 years? I'm sensitive to the fact that there are recovering people reading this, but.. seriously.. It's too late. He'd have to be clean and sober with weekly printouts of drug screenings before I'd entertain any thought of returning to normalcy with him..
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
just this morning mt husband and I were talking about how his parents enabling and codependency was 1000 times worse than anything my drug addicted sister in law did.we too had to protect out kids after my SIL left a battle scarreed pit bull at the in laws house..lunged at my daughter..we finally said enough(many other things had happened prior this was the last straw)..you can see the grandkids at our house..they felt like we didn't "understand" they didn't see the grandkids for 11 years..how sad..for them.
Now, my daughter is a drug addict and I have chosen to go to alanon..and not to let it tear my family apart..btw..sister in law has been clean for 13 years and inlaws are as sick as ever..I suggest alanon to help set boundaries and understand the situation ..it has brought me a lot of peace
Now, my daughter is a drug addict and I have chosen to go to alanon..and not to let it tear my family apart..btw..sister in law has been clean for 13 years and inlaws are as sick as ever..I suggest alanon to help set boundaries and understand the situation ..it has brought me a lot of peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by MrSpock
Is it ok to give up on an addict after 5 years? I'm sensitive to the fact that there are recovering people reading this, but.. seriously.. It's too late. He'd have to be clean and sober with weekly printouts of drug screenings before I'd entertain any thought of returning to normalcy with him..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by MrSpock
In re-visting all of the crap I remembered the thing that set me off that day when we pulled them out.
The more I think about it.. The more I feel HATE.. At first it was "the behavior, the actions, don't concentrate on the person, just the behavoirs".. but it's so hard to be objective. He has been dealt some harsh hands, he has behavior issues stemming from his biological mom being on drugs when he was born. He was cocaine positive at birth, but he has also had one of the best upbringings a troubled kid could have. He has had special schooling. He was on Ritalen to calm him down (he later sold it at his school, apparently they are like uppers to non ADHD kids). He has been taught special tools to handle himself in social situations. He knows exactly what/who he is and what sets him off. It's almost baffling on how he has decided to life his life after all this knowledge.
This is also only my side of the story.. My parent's side is much different. It's amazing really.. How one can take those facts in the thread above and justify the hell out of them and serve them back sideways. They mean well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by keepinon
just this morning mt husband and I were talking about how his parents enabling and codependency was 1000 times worse than anything my drug addicted sister in law did
I hope I can use my brother as an example of what not to be like to my own kids.
Has your sister in law (now clean you said?)talked to your daughter? A "scared straight" sort of thing? Your parents are depriving themselves of many years of enjoyment by not seeing their grandchildren. I hope my parents don't entertain that notion. We have the same deal as you do..
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
my daughter is clean now and does have contact with her aunt..my point is that
the enablers are often worse than the addicts..at least they have an excuse for the irrational behavior..personally , my inlaws were in no shape to be responsible grandparents..they would protect the addict at all costs..sound familiar?
the enablers are often worse than the addicts..at least they have an excuse for the irrational behavior..personally , my inlaws were in no shape to be responsible grandparents..they would protect the addict at all costs..sound familiar?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((MrSpock))) - I don't give up on A's, as long as they are still breathing. I've been told "crackheads NEVER get better" and I'm going on 4 years clean.
I DON'T however invest in what happens to her or my family, any more. I've tended to do the "crystal ball" thing, too, but that's probably because I see the progression and know how far I sunk before hitting bottom.
I'm finally comfortable with letting them do what they do. I'm physically still in the same house with dad and stepmom...he's miserable, she's chronically depressed and though she has legit pain issues, she REALLY wants pain pills, sleeping pills, and "nerve" pills. B pushed her across my room, to the floor, that night and stepmom said "she didn't mean to".
I've accepted that I'm going to be a thorn in their side when it comes to "family time" but that's okay. I think you're doing an excellent job, and you are getting a bit of insite from people, here, who have been through similar situations.
It's hard, when a family gets torn apart, but as long as we keep taking care of us (and your kids)...at least for me, the anger abates, I go through the grief, I come here and talk about it, and I feel so much stronger.
I want to thank you for validating how I feel about my family. There's just something about knowing someone is going through what I am, is a huge comfort.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I DON'T however invest in what happens to her or my family, any more. I've tended to do the "crystal ball" thing, too, but that's probably because I see the progression and know how far I sunk before hitting bottom.
I'm finally comfortable with letting them do what they do. I'm physically still in the same house with dad and stepmom...he's miserable, she's chronically depressed and though she has legit pain issues, she REALLY wants pain pills, sleeping pills, and "nerve" pills. B pushed her across my room, to the floor, that night and stepmom said "she didn't mean to".
I've accepted that I'm going to be a thorn in their side when it comes to "family time" but that's okay. I think you're doing an excellent job, and you are getting a bit of insite from people, here, who have been through similar situations.
It's hard, when a family gets torn apart, but as long as we keep taking care of us (and your kids)...at least for me, the anger abates, I go through the grief, I come here and talk about it, and I feel so much stronger.
I want to thank you for validating how I feel about my family. There's just something about knowing someone is going through what I am, is a huge comfort.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by MrSpock
And it's through his actions not his words. It's what he DOES that is the key. He SAYS all kinds of things, when you look at what he does, that's the real story.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
