Anger, loneliness...& Letting Go?...Im struggling.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 8
Anger, loneliness...& Letting Go?...Im struggling.
It has been almost 6 weeks since speaking with my XBF. (We did exchange some text unpleasantries, but it was strictly business.)
He is in his "Epiphany" Stage (again). He is 40 next week, & has drank heavily since he was 15-16 yrs old. (Shortly before finally deciding to Cut Bait: He disclosed having gotten 3 young girls pregnant (all between summer before his Jr year & pre-Senior Year). Aside from 1 of the young girls: After being told of the pregnancies, He Never contacted or had contact with the girls again.)
THAT was my breaking point. (One of the kids he fathered had been adopted to the birth moms Aunt & Uncle.) He ran across birth mom on FB, & he was speaking to his biological son within the hour, & sent me the photo immediately. No Denying it: That was a good 50% of his DNA looking out of the photo. He said that just left 1...that he knew of!!?...that was out there somewhere, probly never to be found. He was Thrilled! To speak with the boy, & very excited to arrange a family get together...But Wished he had "Caught Up with him sooner, so he coulda talked him out of joining the military, & Hoped he could influence that choice. (I was stuck between disbelief, enraged, and horribly SAD.) He didn't have any remorse, or any feelings really at all, about having Abandoned More Than 1!! 16 year old pregnant girl, and the
babies he fathered. (The Daughter he has had in his life, was raised by her mother. Until age 6 or 7, he had contact, & she has always been close & Loved by his family. But from 7-17, there was little contact, & he would not sign her birth certificate & did not provide financial support ever.) She, is An Amazing young woman. (I LOVE her dearly! and Adore & admire her Mom.) When He & I were starting our relationship, she came for her first visit. I was in Love! With them both, but also felt a piece of my heart break for her, that she had been through so much. I'll Fast Forward. After years of pushing & pulling, and firmly digging my heels in about NOT getting married/Starting our life until he was clean, & dedicated to working a sober program, We Had finally Arrived at our Sink of Swim moment. I was moving there, we were going back to his hometown, and planning a small ceremony for Christmas 2010.
He'd been out of his 3rd trip to Prison for DUI since late March, & in his own apt in Vegas, on parole, since April. I had made one trip to see him, & came back to finish up medical appointments, some business, pack the car, the dogs & Hit the Road Dec. 1. Just prior to Thanksgiving, I discovered the "Old Internet...err? Relations?" had started Again (there had been other Huge Red Flags between Release & that point, But I firmly decided, I was going to Do This. (yeah...I know. Not Bright.) We had a HUGE blow out, and then the "Revelation" that he had fathered 3 kids, and the callus details surrounding that....and a switch flipped. I Bawled for days: Not for him, for the girls & the babies. I knew I felt different but couldn't pin-point exactly how, aside from Sad & Disguisted. But I had given up my apt, packed, etc. I was Going, & WE would make this work. I drove to Utah the first night, & stayed with friends. When I left to continue on to Vegas....I Could Not. And it felt like I was in Free-Fall. After Alot of tears, Alot of Bad diner coffee, & many hours...I took the exit to head up RT 66, to AZ. It was Done, No Going Back.
So: Fast Forward to Today; and the "Epiphany" stage I mentioned. (That was when he & I reconnected after 20 years. While he was on house arrest #2-Post 2nd trip to Prison. (yeah...I know "Good Choice!").
He is working his program, surrounded by family, & doing well, he Likewise has a new GF...pretty sure one that he was Internetting with while we were planning the Dec. Wedding....And in All Honesty: I'm just Mad as Hell. And I really don't want to be. In my heart, I hope it works out for him: That he maintains his path, finds a life partner, all the good stuff.
But I Still feel like a piece of Carnage from the Addiction. Today, I realized the hole left. We talked about everything, daily. When not Drunk, Hung-over, or locked up in Rehab or Prison: He was my Best Friend. It was an abusive, manipulative, and 24/7 painful Dramatic "waiting for the shoe to drop" situation, when together. I feel Stupid for being in it in the first place: Marginally ******** that I did it for so long......and yet I Miss him, & feel like my Anger isnt appropriate. He's doing well, last I heard he was hoping to establish some relationship with the son he never met, & was going to seek an Education. Being Angry...is Confusing & feels BAD. But Missing him...Feels Wrong, & Dumb!.....but, yeah I Miss Him, & am still discovering the size & depth of the hole left without him.
He is in his "Epiphany" Stage (again). He is 40 next week, & has drank heavily since he was 15-16 yrs old. (Shortly before finally deciding to Cut Bait: He disclosed having gotten 3 young girls pregnant (all between summer before his Jr year & pre-Senior Year). Aside from 1 of the young girls: After being told of the pregnancies, He Never contacted or had contact with the girls again.)
THAT was my breaking point. (One of the kids he fathered had been adopted to the birth moms Aunt & Uncle.) He ran across birth mom on FB, & he was speaking to his biological son within the hour, & sent me the photo immediately. No Denying it: That was a good 50% of his DNA looking out of the photo. He said that just left 1...that he knew of!!?...that was out there somewhere, probly never to be found. He was Thrilled! To speak with the boy, & very excited to arrange a family get together...But Wished he had "Caught Up with him sooner, so he coulda talked him out of joining the military, & Hoped he could influence that choice. (I was stuck between disbelief, enraged, and horribly SAD.) He didn't have any remorse, or any feelings really at all, about having Abandoned More Than 1!! 16 year old pregnant girl, and the
babies he fathered. (The Daughter he has had in his life, was raised by her mother. Until age 6 or 7, he had contact, & she has always been close & Loved by his family. But from 7-17, there was little contact, & he would not sign her birth certificate & did not provide financial support ever.) She, is An Amazing young woman. (I LOVE her dearly! and Adore & admire her Mom.) When He & I were starting our relationship, she came for her first visit. I was in Love! With them both, but also felt a piece of my heart break for her, that she had been through so much. I'll Fast Forward. After years of pushing & pulling, and firmly digging my heels in about NOT getting married/Starting our life until he was clean, & dedicated to working a sober program, We Had finally Arrived at our Sink of Swim moment. I was moving there, we were going back to his hometown, and planning a small ceremony for Christmas 2010.
He'd been out of his 3rd trip to Prison for DUI since late March, & in his own apt in Vegas, on parole, since April. I had made one trip to see him, & came back to finish up medical appointments, some business, pack the car, the dogs & Hit the Road Dec. 1. Just prior to Thanksgiving, I discovered the "Old Internet...err? Relations?" had started Again (there had been other Huge Red Flags between Release & that point, But I firmly decided, I was going to Do This. (yeah...I know. Not Bright.) We had a HUGE blow out, and then the "Revelation" that he had fathered 3 kids, and the callus details surrounding that....and a switch flipped. I Bawled for days: Not for him, for the girls & the babies. I knew I felt different but couldn't pin-point exactly how, aside from Sad & Disguisted. But I had given up my apt, packed, etc. I was Going, & WE would make this work. I drove to Utah the first night, & stayed with friends. When I left to continue on to Vegas....I Could Not. And it felt like I was in Free-Fall. After Alot of tears, Alot of Bad diner coffee, & many hours...I took the exit to head up RT 66, to AZ. It was Done, No Going Back.
So: Fast Forward to Today; and the "Epiphany" stage I mentioned. (That was when he & I reconnected after 20 years. While he was on house arrest #2-Post 2nd trip to Prison. (yeah...I know "Good Choice!").
He is working his program, surrounded by family, & doing well, he Likewise has a new GF...pretty sure one that he was Internetting with while we were planning the Dec. Wedding....And in All Honesty: I'm just Mad as Hell. And I really don't want to be. In my heart, I hope it works out for him: That he maintains his path, finds a life partner, all the good stuff.
But I Still feel like a piece of Carnage from the Addiction. Today, I realized the hole left. We talked about everything, daily. When not Drunk, Hung-over, or locked up in Rehab or Prison: He was my Best Friend. It was an abusive, manipulative, and 24/7 painful Dramatic "waiting for the shoe to drop" situation, when together. I feel Stupid for being in it in the first place: Marginally ******** that I did it for so long......and yet I Miss him, & feel like my Anger isnt appropriate. He's doing well, last I heard he was hoping to establish some relationship with the son he never met, & was going to seek an Education. Being Angry...is Confusing & feels BAD. But Missing him...Feels Wrong, & Dumb!.....but, yeah I Miss Him, & am still discovering the size & depth of the hole left without him.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Texas
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Julesandshoes- Thank you so much for this post! i needed it. I have been struggling with those same emotions. I have had limited contact for almost 2 months now and I feel so broken. He came by here last weekend for about 10 minutes to get the rest of his stuff and I could feel myself change with him here and when he left. I felt happier! I'm not sure why I felt happier but I did. He looked really good and has put on some weight that he badly needed to put on. I still have that feeling of "waiting for the other shoe to drop."
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