SASA

I starte my journey on June18th 2010. Since then I relapsed under stress and emotions 3 times. Every time made me stronger and I realized a pattern. I guess least you are right when you say only if you give up hope and not try again you loose. A few days ago I was on a emotional rollercoaster due to my roommate being abusive (thanks for all helping me) and due to my job becoming very stressful. Now it peaked all yesterday and instead of drinking I broke down and cried. I think this was my breaktrough. My mother told me since I was young never to cry, crying is for weak people and I am supposed to be strong. When I watched my grandmother die staying day and night at her bed, my mother wanted to drug me so I would not cry. Shortly after this I started drinking. Yes to numb my feelings. On the day of my grandmothers funeral, my mother forbid me to cry threatening me to remove me out of churge and away from the funeral. I was 26 at this time an my grandmother was the closest person to me. 4 years later my father died and again my mother forbid me to cry telling me it is a sign of weakness. I spent the time at the funeral not crying. She forced me even I did not see my dead father to go in and see him and when we were in she was talking to me how nice he looked etc. Every time I showed an emotion she forced me to stop, at the funeral of my own father I was not allowed to cry, even afterwards. Since than I neer cried, I drunk instead. Yesterday was the first time in 10 years that I cried. I ahd tears rolling down my face, it felt so wired, I could not stop, but at the same time I felt relief and I embraced the feeling, being able to let go of my feelings.
So after this I went upstairs, my roommate made fun of me and I told him I am done. He said okay he will leave and I finally looked at him and said okay, I do not care, you abused me etc. Today he came, he apologized to me for the 1st time, and he is looking ofr a new place. Time to get a new roomate/friend.
So, Dee, Coral, Anne I cannot say how thankful I am to you, how thankful I am to SR. I really feel like I made a breaktrough.
Did anybody else here had a similar experience?


P.S. today on the way home I listened to a sad song and I started crying. It feels good to embrace sadness. I enjoyed feeling it. I always was told to stay strong, make everybody happy, smile. I think I finally found myself.....

Dee74

I am really glad that you did not drink, that you stood up for yourself and that your roomie is leaving (make sure he follows through!)

well done SASA

D

Anna

SASA, it really does sound like you made a big breakthrough, and I'm glad you are getting in touch with your feelings.

And, good for you for kicking out your roommate.

recoverywfaith

My heart goes out to you and I too am glad you are getting in touch with your feelings, your tears will heal you. You will find alot of support here.

Hevyn

SASA - I'm sorry for all the things you've gone through. I agree, when we try to stop ourselves from feeling we're headed for trouble. Emotions and tears are a normal part of life & shouldn't be ignored. We need to feel in order to grow & become the people we were meant to be. I thought I was helping myself stay strong by drinking - I was so wrong.

Congratulations on taking that important step with your roommate. I hope you feel relieved and better each day.