vujade

Dangit! The grief of loss is so painful. I found myself getting all worked up this morning with the thoughts of "no one will ever..."

No man will ever look at me the way he did again.
No man will ever kiss me like he did again.
No man will ever hold me so close again.
No man will ever make my heart beat so uncontrollably again.

And I told myself "STOP!" Getting through this means I need to focus on the positives, right?

No man will ever make me sob like he did again.
No man will ever call me names just to hurt my heart again.
No man will ever blow my plans at the last minute again.
No man will ever spit on my sheets while passed out again.
No man will ever yell at my child again.

And if some man does again, I will recognize it for the RED FLAG it is and run like H$ll!

I see that there are many of us here who are grieving a loss from the foreseeable past. What about you? What are the good things?

tallulah

Yeah, I thought all that stuff in the first list.

Turns out:

A man will look not look at me in that way again - because that look will truly be loving.
A man will not kiss me in that way again - because his kiss will not be an attempt to lull me into a false sense of security.
A man will not hold me so close again - because his embrace will not be a manacle to keep me in a bad situation.
A man will not not make my heart beat so uncontrollably again - because when he causes it to flutter, it won't be out of fear it won't last and false hope that it will.

Ty for this.. I'm going to remind my BF he's wonderful.

Tx

nodaybut2day

No man will *ever* punch a wall right next to my head, break objects to frighten me, destroy my clothing to punish me, or accuse me of sleeping with everything male walking the face of this planet.
No man will *ever* threaten me, manipulate me, berate me, belittle me.
No man will *ever* steal from me or lie to me.
No man will *ever* get to have me clean up after their mess.
No man will *ever* make me think I'm going insane.
No man will *ever* get between me and my family.
No man will *ever* make me feel like I'm anything less than an intelligent, beautiful, funny, talented, brave and loving woman.
No man will *ever* threaten to take my child from me.

*ever*

Roisin

Thanks I needed this post.I've been missing AH a lot today after seeing him yesterday at his outpatient appointment (he only left last week,and I am hopeful that one day we will live together again)
The good things for me are
being able to get up early and watch rubbish on catch up tv ,AH had some weird notion soaps rot the brain(like alcohol doesn't)
eating meals I like ,and being able to order an occasional take-out(they give you upset stomachs as do loads of other things apparently-but oddly enough no amount of alcohol does)
sleeping with my cats for company-they don't snore ,talk rubbish or wet the bed
talking for hours with friends or family on the phone without being accused of talking about HIM

seekingcalm

Last Sunday marked one year since I moved out of my exabf's home that we were sharing. I left because he is an alcoholic, and at the time was in denial, lying and sneaking, and ultimately blaming me for everything. When I moved out, I felt physically ill for a long time. I cried more than anyone ever should have to. I thought I had lost everything I ever wanted.

One year later, I LOVE living alone, my exabf is in recovery and making good choices, I still love him, but I don't want to live with him. I work two jobs to support myself, I live with my dog, and sometimes my children. Life is great, and it is great because of the choices I make every day. I am so grateful to be here instead of there.

Time....time is my best friend. Oh, and all of you here everyday too

Hang in there, take care of you, post, read, relax...it gets oh so much better.

Idul

My XABF used to tell my all the time that no man would ever love me like he did and I would think "You're damn right about that!" because I will never allow this kind of love again....

Idul

Oops that posted before I was done. He always used to tell me that no man would want someone with stretch marks and two kids. Or that no one would ever please me like he did. That no man would support me the way he did. Even then, in the midst, of our dysfunction I realized how cruel and how wrong those statements are. The truth is, while I'm not perfect, I'm a way better catch than he is and he knows it. He had to keep me down so I wouldn't be strong enough to walk away. Well, I left and I do worry about some parts of what he said. Mainly the physical part because we were pretty darn good at that part. But I figure it's easier to teach a man how to be good in bed than it is to teach them how to be a good man everywhere else I'm sure there is an amazing man out there for me and when I am healthy enough to find him I will be thankful for all the things he "never does".

Cynay

Who the heck cares what the man will do!

The best gift is I will never do that to myself again! The good news for me is Thank you God for letting me learn the session so I could teach my daught a better way to live!

theuncertainty

No man will ever make me afraid to sleep again.
No man will ever make DS or I so scared that we jump at the smallest sound in the house still a year after we left.
No man will ever stop celebrating our anniversary because I had the audacity to have the flu on our first one.
No man will ever be proud of the fact that no one at his work knows that I'm his wife or DS is his son.
No man will ever throw out my favorite pair of boots because other guys said they looked cool.
No man will ever tell me "No one will ever want you now" as he walks away from our bed.

If there ever is a new guy in my life:
He will behave in a respectful manner towards me and DS and people in general.
He will know that real men have a wider range of emotions than just superiority and anger.
He will be confident without belittling others in order to have that confidence.
He will know how to be gentle.

vujade

Exactly my point, Cyany.

stella27

This thread is so welcome to me. I am just starting to date after a long alcoholic marriage and long difficult divorce. Some things are unacceptable to me that would not have recognized before this alcoholic journey - big red flags.

Other qualities would never have stood our to me as desirable the way they do now.

Carol Star

Make me keep my pets outside......secretly film me getting dressed.......make me drive him to the store (he had dui's).......call me stupid........accuse me of being unfaithful.....control the checkbook, criticize my music, criticize my recovery, be verbally abusive .....I could write a chapter......smoke in the house, grow pot in the closet, hurtful sarcasm, control everything.....AAAHHH! NO MORE PORN!

Carol Star

I identified with Celebrity Rehab when one girl said she was a relationship (love addict).....and it wasn't love....it was obsession......an addiction, and I look back over several relationships, were BAD- yep......high school....yep.....college......yep.......8th grade....yep.......now I know.....you know better....you do better.....

StarCat

No man will ever...

...use me and abuse me.
...confuse me with fancy dinners and expensive gifts then claims that I am ruining the relationship because I have my own opinions and preferences on what to do that are different (and less expensive) than his.
...make me pick out the porno movies he's going to watch, and explain why "we" should watch these ones ("I picked this so we can leave this store because I don't want to be here" isn't a good reason), then make me feel like the criminal for not wanting to be there.
...max out all my credit cards, then convince me to apply for more so those can be maxed out, too.
...control what I get to watch, what I get to do, how I live my life, and override my own preferences.
...almost get me fired for demanding that I work on his projects instead of the ones for my department.
...lower my self esteem.

Cyranoak

It makes us unreasonable as people, and sets unrealistic expectations. It makes us look at things as we want them to be instead of as they are. I say that, because the problem is precisely around this idea that recurs again and again for me and many others on this forum and in Al-Anon meetings:
I call BS on all of it. If you allow it, if you work hard on your own recovery and learn to pick healthy partners instead of alcoholic addicts (something I am not very good at), I truly believe that some day you may in fact find somebody who will look at you the way he did, kiss you like he did, hold you close, and make your heart beat uncontrollably.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Babyblue

Couldn't have put it any better myself Cyranoak.

No man is EVER responsible for your happiness.

vujade

This is exactly my thinking. I wrote that if any man ever does again, I will recognize it as the red flag it is and leave. I agree...I played a role in this. I got so caught up in the chemistry and "love" that I put too much emphasis on the first set of "will nevers" and allowed second set of "will never"s to be overlooked. But never again. I am too valuable. Too talented. Too worthwhile. Too much of a catch.

No man will ever make me wonder about my own self worth again. Because I won't allow it. I won't allow MYSELF to go there...again.

zrx1200R

Yep. Standard M.O. I hear this too.