Hi.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Hi.
This is my first time on here. I have found myself in an unbelievable position.
I was married to my childrens (I have 2) father for 15 years. I chose to divorce him. He was not alcoholic. I spent the next 12 years raising my kids by myself. I never allowed men into my life specifically for the purpose of not exposing my kids to what I perceived as negative examples (men in and out of their lives..)
My youngest, my daughter, decided between her junior and senior year went to spend the summer with her dad, who she had not seen in over 5 years (the fathers choice). At the end of summer she informed me she was not coming back. She was going to do her senior year with her father.
I was devastated. Not only was I going to miss her senior year which we had worked so hard to get to. I had even maintained celibacy the previous 7 years so as to set a true example for her. I had worked way too many hours at a job I intensely disliked to get us here.
I waited a year for her to change her mind. I was locked out of her life because she felt pulled between her father and myself. (for example, He would not allow her to give me senior pictures and would not tell me who the photographer was so I could buy them myself..) She would not relent and come home.
I, in a crisis moment, I guess, made the decision to marry a man I knew for 3 weeks. Everyone told me what a mistake I was making. My response was ''I've only made this mistake only once in my life, if it is a mistake it will be only twice.'' (most of my friends had been married more than once at that point). I also made it clear I had done the right thing for many years and I had nothing to show for it at that point, not even my daughters senior year.
That was two years ago. I left him 10 days ago. He is a full blown alcoholic who admits drinking is a problem for him. That is all he admits. He has tried to convince me I am the problem. He tried to convince me I am crazy and psychotic. He talked to a judge about getting help for me. I have had 3 black eyes, and been beat with the full intensity of his power. I have come close to death on at least two occasions. He made sexual advances at my daughter (19 y) and hit on other women right in front of me every time one came around. Then insisted that I imagined all this. It was part of what is wrong with me.
At some points, I began to question my own sanity. I reached a point 10 days ago where I simply exploded. I could not take anymore. I made an instantaneous decision to leave. I called my family. We loaded a truck and I left. I was fine for many days.
Then he began to call. His nice face is here again. I have a man who truly truly loves me. He will quit drinking. He will not seek counseling because we are two grown adults who are intelligent enough to work this out.
He called twice yesterday and demanded I come back to my home where I belong.
I packed up one time before to leave. Had a 24 foot truck nearly completely loaded and he came home. His nice face came out. He talked me into unloading the whole thing and he helped me return the truck. He told the clerk how silly women were and overreacted to little things.
I have no desire to go back, but I feel myself feeling sorry for him and, ironically, missing his good side. I feel lonely and I did that for 12 years before and I so dread it. Just hearing his voice makes me feel better.
I know consciously that going back is not the right thing to do, but emotionally, I find myself needing him. I am afraid, so afraid, I might go back.
That is why I am here.
I was married to my childrens (I have 2) father for 15 years. I chose to divorce him. He was not alcoholic. I spent the next 12 years raising my kids by myself. I never allowed men into my life specifically for the purpose of not exposing my kids to what I perceived as negative examples (men in and out of their lives..)
My youngest, my daughter, decided between her junior and senior year went to spend the summer with her dad, who she had not seen in over 5 years (the fathers choice). At the end of summer she informed me she was not coming back. She was going to do her senior year with her father.
I was devastated. Not only was I going to miss her senior year which we had worked so hard to get to. I had even maintained celibacy the previous 7 years so as to set a true example for her. I had worked way too many hours at a job I intensely disliked to get us here.
I waited a year for her to change her mind. I was locked out of her life because she felt pulled between her father and myself. (for example, He would not allow her to give me senior pictures and would not tell me who the photographer was so I could buy them myself..) She would not relent and come home.
I, in a crisis moment, I guess, made the decision to marry a man I knew for 3 weeks. Everyone told me what a mistake I was making. My response was ''I've only made this mistake only once in my life, if it is a mistake it will be only twice.'' (most of my friends had been married more than once at that point). I also made it clear I had done the right thing for many years and I had nothing to show for it at that point, not even my daughters senior year.
That was two years ago. I left him 10 days ago. He is a full blown alcoholic who admits drinking is a problem for him. That is all he admits. He has tried to convince me I am the problem. He tried to convince me I am crazy and psychotic. He talked to a judge about getting help for me. I have had 3 black eyes, and been beat with the full intensity of his power. I have come close to death on at least two occasions. He made sexual advances at my daughter (19 y) and hit on other women right in front of me every time one came around. Then insisted that I imagined all this. It was part of what is wrong with me.
At some points, I began to question my own sanity. I reached a point 10 days ago where I simply exploded. I could not take anymore. I made an instantaneous decision to leave. I called my family. We loaded a truck and I left. I was fine for many days.
Then he began to call. His nice face is here again. I have a man who truly truly loves me. He will quit drinking. He will not seek counseling because we are two grown adults who are intelligent enough to work this out.
He called twice yesterday and demanded I come back to my home where I belong.
I packed up one time before to leave. Had a 24 foot truck nearly completely loaded and he came home. His nice face came out. He talked me into unloading the whole thing and he helped me return the truck. He told the clerk how silly women were and overreacted to little things.
I have no desire to go back, but I feel myself feeling sorry for him and, ironically, missing his good side. I feel lonely and I did that for 12 years before and I so dread it. Just hearing his voice makes me feel better.
I know consciously that going back is not the right thing to do, but emotionally, I find myself needing him. I am afraid, so afraid, I might go back.
That is why I am here.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome passionfruit - wow, it sounds like you have alot of stuff going on....
There's a sub-forum here for family/friends who are dealing with alcoholics in their life:Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Even if your husband doesn't want any counseling, it seems like you could benefit from it, just to try to sort out your feelings. The fear of being lonely isn't the best reason to stay with someone. Sounds like you need some time to figure it all out.
All the best..... Relationships can be so much work!
There's a sub-forum here for family/friends who are dealing with alcoholics in their life:Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Even if your husband doesn't want any counseling, it seems like you could benefit from it, just to try to sort out your feelings. The fear of being lonely isn't the best reason to stay with someone. Sounds like you need some time to figure it all out.
All the best..... Relationships can be so much work!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Some loves are simply toxic....sounds as tho you found one.
Both alcholism and abuse are progressive.
I too left an abusive husband...never looked back.
I hope you stay strong ...cut off all ties...and find peace.
Welcome to SR...
Both alcholism and abuse are progressive.
I too left an abusive husband...never looked back.
I hope you stay strong ...cut off all ties...and find peace.
Welcome to SR...
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,753
I hope you continue to keep him out of your lives. The drinking, the abuse - been there, done with that.
I hope you can find the strength to stay on your own. No one deserves abuse of any kind. You can do better for yourself. For me, the 'good times' with abusive ex were good, but the bad times FAR outweighed the good times.
Praying for peace for you and your kids.
Welcome to the family. Oh yeah, check out that friends and families link. Some great support there from people who understand all too well.
I hope you can find the strength to stay on your own. No one deserves abuse of any kind. You can do better for yourself. For me, the 'good times' with abusive ex were good, but the bad times FAR outweighed the good times.
Praying for peace for you and your kids.
Welcome to the family. Oh yeah, check out that friends and families link. Some great support there from people who understand all too well.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Any kind of abuse in any relationship is unacceptable.
Please go to a Shelter, do whatever you have to do to get away and stay away from this man. I hope you get some counselling to help you deal with the issue.
Please go to a Shelter, do whatever you have to do to get away and stay away from this man. I hope you get some counselling to help you deal with the issue.
Brave Heart
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 35
Big hugs to you. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are married to a classic violently abusive man...right down the honeymoon period that follows every instance where you try to leave, and trying to convince you you're imagining things. Alcohol makes it worse, but the deep seated pattern within him makes him unable to see your pain. He has no conscience.
This isn't the same as not loving you. Love is biochemical in nature mostly...nature's way of ensuring our species continues. It also fuels the dysfunction in both of you. Love usually gets in the way of making good relationship choices. Just because you love him, doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with him because relationship skills are different than love. Relationships take maturity, kindness, stability, commitment, altruism, shared financial priorities, similar goals, etc.
He will try everything in the book to get you to stay, and when that doesn't work...watch out! Please take precautions to protect yourself from this person. He represents a real danger to you.
...and remember. It takes two people to be in an abusive relationship. That means you are a part of it too. Abusive men seek out enabling women. He found you pretty quickly.
So, please see a counselor. Today if possible. You will need a lot of support and strength to carry you through this. You are at a high risk of giving him to him again.
Take care,
249
This isn't the same as not loving you. Love is biochemical in nature mostly...nature's way of ensuring our species continues. It also fuels the dysfunction in both of you. Love usually gets in the way of making good relationship choices. Just because you love him, doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with him because relationship skills are different than love. Relationships take maturity, kindness, stability, commitment, altruism, shared financial priorities, similar goals, etc.
He will try everything in the book to get you to stay, and when that doesn't work...watch out! Please take precautions to protect yourself from this person. He represents a real danger to you.
...and remember. It takes two people to be in an abusive relationship. That means you are a part of it too. Abusive men seek out enabling women. He found you pretty quickly.
So, please see a counselor. Today if possible. You will need a lot of support and strength to carry you through this. You are at a high risk of giving him to him again.
Take care,
249
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,346
Hi passionfruit - great advice here - and I agree with the consensus - violence and abuse is never acceptable.
I know you'll find support here - do check out the other forum link too.
and if you haven't got this info...please keep it handy.
D
I know you'll find support here - do check out the other forum link too.
and if you haven't got this info...please keep it handy.
Domestic Violence
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
United States DV Resources by State
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
United States DV Resources by State
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Thanks to each of you. I called a domestic violence counseling service and have an appointment tomorrow. I hope it helps...I don't really know what they can do for me.....but I'll go anyway...
As far as his being a classicly violent man, I thought initially the drinking would change that. At one point he went 54 days with only a few minor drinks and things were better, however, many of the inappropriate, and mean behaviors were still there. That was even scarier than the alcohol.
I feel better this pm. It is up and down. Anger and then longing.........one minute at a time I suppose.........
As far as his being a classicly violent man, I thought initially the drinking would change that. At one point he went 54 days with only a few minor drinks and things were better, however, many of the inappropriate, and mean behaviors were still there. That was even scarier than the alcohol.
I feel better this pm. It is up and down. Anger and then longing.........one minute at a time I suppose.........
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
The domestic violence counsellor should be able to direct you to a shelter for you and your children. At the shelter you should be able to get more counselling and support as you get yourself established in your new life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 59
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Please buy and read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You should be able to find a used copy online for less than $10. Or you can borrow it from your local library. You will be amazed at what you learn.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Thank you for the suggestion. I've read as much of this book as I can on google.books preview. (several chapters) I will purchase it tomorrow.
As I've read, I am becoming angry...From what I have read so far, it appears this behavior is calculating and manipulating. I feel almost used. I feel angry that friends and family choose to not see. I think I shall send this book to him and his as well.
As I've read, I am becoming angry...From what I have read so far, it appears this behavior is calculating and manipulating. I feel almost used. I feel angry that friends and family choose to not see. I think I shall send this book to him and his as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Passion, welcome and thank you for sharing your story. You have plenty of support here and good input in this thread.
I am glad to see the update and having been in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship myself for too many years......getting out and moving on with me was necessary.
I won't repeat the obvious......I will just say that getting help and closing this door is the best thing for you and your kids. No contact is the best advice I can give.
You are one strong woman and am so glad you are here.
Thinking of you.
I am glad to see the update and having been in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship myself for too many years......getting out and moving on with me was necessary.
I won't repeat the obvious......I will just say that getting help and closing this door is the best thing for you and your kids. No contact is the best advice I can give.
You are one strong woman and am so glad you are here.
Thinking of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
But to some degree isn't it the responsible thing to do to keep this from happening to the next woman he chooses? Shouldn't I attempt to wake up the people around him in an attempt to hold him accountable?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,346
Even if you did manage 'wake up' people around him, would that somehow make him accountable?
would it have any real effect on what he might, or might not do, in future...or would it put you in danger?
Your sense of responsibility is admirable, but...maybe it's not your job?
D
would it have any real effect on what he might, or might not do, in future...or would it put you in danger?
Your sense of responsibility is admirable, but...maybe it's not your job?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
If it is ok with you Passionfruit - I'm wondering if this thread could be
moved to the Family and Friends Forum. There are so many
wonderful people on there that might have missed this
being on the Newcomer to Recovery forum, and might
have valuable support and information for you.
Passion, please check out that forum on here. Please, please
keep posting. I am frightened for you.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are
a strong and brave woman.
moved to the Family and Friends Forum. There are so many
wonderful people on there that might have missed this
being on the Newcomer to Recovery forum, and might
have valuable support and information for you.
Passion, please check out that forum on here. Please, please
keep posting. I am frightened for you.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are
a strong and brave woman.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,346
Passionfruit...
If you want the thread moved PM Anna or me.
If you want to start a new thread in FF that's ok...
If you're comfortable here...that's fine too
Lets make it Passionfruit's call tho
D
If you want the thread moved PM Anna or me.
If you want to start a new thread in FF that's ok...
If you're comfortable here...that's fine too
Lets make it Passionfruit's call tho
D
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Passion - I, too, have spent a lot of energy being angry that "others don't see it"... I even have a thread here dealing with that subject. It would be my suggestion that you use that energy to spur yourself into doing exactly what is necessary to heal and move on and away from your abuser.
You will learn that the chances that he will be 'reformed' are practically nil. It would take many years of intense therapy and, even then, they don't get much better.
Yes, he is manipulative. As manipulative as they come. He is sick. He is only doing what he knows how to do to get his needs met. He is not going to change....no matter what you do or how many books you send to him.
You are in a dangerous situation and you need to follow through on your appointments with your DV counselor and do as she advises during these next weeks and months.
As you move farther away from the situation, you will begin to find peace and healing. You have taken very important first steps ..... keep going!!! (((Hugs)))
You will learn that the chances that he will be 'reformed' are practically nil. It would take many years of intense therapy and, even then, they don't get much better.
Yes, he is manipulative. As manipulative as they come. He is sick. He is only doing what he knows how to do to get his needs met. He is not going to change....no matter what you do or how many books you send to him.
You are in a dangerous situation and you need to follow through on your appointments with your DV counselor and do as she advises during these next weeks and months.
As you move farther away from the situation, you will begin to find peace and healing. You have taken very important first steps ..... keep going!!! (((Hugs)))
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