EndofRoad

Hello out there. I am new to sober recovery and don't know what I should write. My fiancee is a drug addict. The funny thing is that I knew that in the beginning. It didn't used to be so bad but now we live together and we don't have money, things end up missing and he lies about everything. Part of me is telling me to run and don't look back. I should have done that before I fell in love with him. When he is sober, he is the best. Now his two sons are living with us and he can't seem to stop. I take it personal everytime he goes out. I feel like if he loved me that he would not do this. I know he doesn't love himself so how can he possibly love me. I am tired of not having money, tired of him going out. He made an appointment to go to an outpatient facility but one of his brother's died. Now that is going to be pushed back. I believe that he needs an inpatient facility. I don't know what to do. I stay because of the kids but I need to leave for my own sanity. Any advice on what to do?
I try to understand and get him to help me to be there for him, but he doesn't want to talk about it. He will drink beer and then the next thing you know he is gone for 5 or more hours. Yes, I know he has a drinking problem but he won't admit it. Won't type anymore, don't want to overwhelm everyone.

Impurrfect

(((Endofroad))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brings you here.

FWIW, I'm a recovering addict, and a recovering codependent who's relationships have ALWAYS been with A's (addicts/alcoholics).

You're not going to be able to understand what he's going through, it's just not possible. It's like asking a man to understand pregnancy and childbirth.

We talk about "the 3 c's" - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't change it. He's not going to do anything toward recovery, until he's ready and, for most of us, we have to have some pretty harsh consequences to get to that point.

I suggest you read around on this forum, as there are so many stories you will relate to. The "stickies" (the threads at the top of the forum) are also very good.

There's no amount of love that can fix addiction.

I'd also suggest you start stashing money where he can't get it, limit his access to funds (if you're both working, I'd keep all MY money hidden). Hide valuables...preferably away from the house. Many, many things can be pawned for money. While I was in jail, one weekend, XABF#2 totally wiped out everything in my house.

Only you can decide whether to go or stay, but I'm pretty sure that coming here will help you figure that out.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

lc1972

I married my husband knowing he was an addict, he had been clean nearly two years. Now here I am married 6 years, two kids and he is on suboxone now. He told me he relapsed in May still not sure if that is true. My husbands DOC is herion so the price tag on his addiction has been pretty high. He almost emptied the childrens savings account and we have on rental property that may be forclosed on. This is all while he makes 6 figures a year. We have about $15,000 in credit card debt and I am now watching other peoples kids before and after school.

I know you want to believe in him, but it was not until I stepped back and stopped taking care of him that he noticed. Not until I began to take care of only me and the kids did he see. Not until he was not longer the center of my world. I still do not know if it will last or if I am just waiting for another relapse.

Please take care of yourself you are and always will be more important than him.

I am sorry but if he is doing drugs he is not fit to have his children. This does not mean you should stay to take care of them. This means that a more appropriate family member should be taking care of them. What is the situation of why he has his children?

EndofRoad

Thank you for those words. Yes I have started stashing money and the credit cards and bank cards. So good sometimes that I forget where I hide them. He has even taken the kids DSi games. I thought that he would draw the line there, but I was wrong. Right now there is no tv in the livingroom and the kids don't have the DSi's. This is their 2nd set of DSi's because he couldn't get the first ones back. I will take your advice and read around. It is just good to talk about it. I am going to start going to Nar-Anon meetings also.

EndofRoad

He has his kids because the ex-wife lost her house and is staying with someone. She did not want the kids without their own room. Why she didn't get an apartment, I don't know. I have wanted to leave so many times because I know it is not going to get better and I know that I am handling it very badly. I stay because if I didn't, the kids would be in bad shape. You are right, he is not fit to have the kids and I know the ex-wife doesn't know that he is using again. I think my first action should be to tell/talk to her. I don't know. I feel like me being an enabler is not helping the situation. He know that I will take care of household bills and the kids and he can do whatever.

Kindeyes

endofroad
Welcome to SR......I'm glad you're here. I think you'll find that all of the folks here on SR are very supportive and understand what you are dealing with.

No one has yet suggested the reading material that is quite popular around here. Melody Beattie's "CoDependent No More" is one to start with. It's also a good idea to find a local support group such as Alanon or Naranon. I prefer Naranon just because there is one closeby and the qualifier in my life is addicted to drugs and alcohol. If you're unable to go to a meeting, you can find the literature for Naranon here:

Nar-Anon Literature

I hope you'll stick around. Share your story and read about how others have dealt with their issues with addicted loved ones. But most importantly, take care of yourself. Addiction is a family disease and we are all affected by it. If we're not careful, we can become just as sick as they are.

gentle hugs

EndofRoad

thank you for that Kindeyes. Yeah, I understand it is a disease and that is why I am trying to support him and be there. The good thing is that I have tried to cover the money bases by hiding and leaving items at my work office. That has worked, but the things that I can't hide, that is another story. I may have to lock them down and then put the key at my office and get a safe for the stuff that can't be locked down like kids video games etc.

hello-kitty

That's your brain telling you that. Listen to it!

tjp613

THIS is no way to live.

EndofRoad

You are right tjp613, but I just haven't been able to go through with it. I pack my things and leave and then a day or two passes and I go back. I think I am a glutton for punishment. I guess I am holding on to the fact that he was there for me when I went through a rough time. Yes, he was actually there for me. I know that the man I love is there.

katie44

I'm sorry for your pain, but I can tell you the addiction only becomes progressively worse. Until he is ready to get help nothing will change. As for hiding credit cards, money etc. you will find that he will always find ways to outsmart you. Your life will be consumed with chaos, false promises, financial desperation, the list goes on until you are totally emotionally and financially drained. Sure does sound like a life of imprisoment. You need to care for yourself, and inform the mother these children are living with an active addict.
The best thing you can do is step away and let him face the consequences of his addiction.