reggiewayne

My entire life I have been a people pleaser. I think I have always been so bothered by my own thoughts and motives that I've tried endlessly to make people like me as to prepare them for the inevitable let down that I would provide without notice.

This occurred to me today. I am faced with a transition in my life. I am going to switch jobs shortly and as a result will not be able to go to my current meetings or even the location. This has rocked my world for three full days now. Tonight, I went out of my way to go to my AA club (25 miles from home). I had a sudden revelation after it was done. If I am putting all of my sobreity faith into these people, they are going to let me down, just like I let everyone else down. The big book talks about coming to believe in a power greater than myself. Made a decision to turn my will and care over the care of god as I understand him....

It has come to my realization that over the past 55 days I have put my will and life in the care of other people - people at my meetings. Although it has worked with respect to not drinking. Most every other phase of my life has been just as dominated by my alcoholic thinking as before I quit.

I MUST turn my will and life over the care of God as I understand him, or I AM DOOMED. I feel better about the upcoming career change and I actually look forward to it. If I lean more on my HP and really trust that he is in control, I think then and only then will the "Promises" start coming true.

I have basically thrown my shiit at the feet of my AA support group and SR and begged everyone to make me better. It has occurred to me that this is not what the writers of the big book had in mind for recovery. I am still going to go to a lot of meetings and participate in this site. I hope I'm making sense. AA and this site are wonderful, I just need to stop taking, taking, taking, and start giving and put my faith where the big book tells me too, and that's at the feet of my higher power.

This sober ride is unreal. Every day I learn something new, and every day I'm reminded of how little I really know. Good luck to everyone!!!!!

whatisit

But what if God as you understand him does not exist? And what is this big book other than stories that others have told? I'm not sober though, so...

I don't know anything about being sober.

Danae

Hi Reggiewayne,

I know what you mean about both being a people pleaser and letting people down. Ouch!

But I would respond that I (and probably others) have gained from your recent articulate posts on SR, so your theory that you are taking, taking, taking all the time may be incomplete. I think you have already given back, and will continue to do so.





D

Maryjan

Reggiewayne,

You are strong, and I am so happy to hear of your realizations and your faith. Bravo!

DayTrader

Great post RW....and tremendous insight for so early in your recovery. And yeah, you're dead on right.

I think most of us use "the group" as a HP for a while. I used "the steps" as mine for many many months. Even though I believed in some sort of God, I didn't really have the ability or the willingness to trust him. But.....I could trust the steps and the program. Heck, it seemed to be working for all those half-whits I saw at the meetings so it surely could work for me.

I heard a lot of "we" this and "we" that at meetings........like it was some huge group-based movement. Well, in MY mind, "we" really means "you're going to do for me." ha..... I was a manipulator and "we're going to do something" would, if I had anything to say about it, would always turn into me convincing you to cover my end too. Not so in AA. You're responsible for yourself. You've got to put the work in and do your part. And yeah, whatever HP you can begin to focus in on, hazy as that focus may be, does the real heavy lifting.....it IS up to us to stay on the path and to be responsible.

Great post my man....

And I promise, the revelations keep on coming. (and.....psssst......they keep getting better and more powerful too).

Dee74

I have a lot of faith in you too Reggie

D

dairo

Wayne, put all your faith in God, and he will give you answers. I can't but we can.

Whatisit, I have been on your side at one time. When you have had enough consequences and enough of this life, you learn that anything the mind can imagine can come true.

SSIL75

Well I am sober without any God/AA/Higher Power stuff. So don't let that hold you back There are many ways to get where you need to be. Once I realized that I was a whole lot more willing to put the bottle down.

Glad to hear you sounding so happy, RW!

dairo

You are right. You don't need anything to stop drinking, heck my grandpa stopped drinking cold turkey after 30+ years of 2-3 liters a day. But... it doesn't work for most, you sound like you have commendable will power, good for you. Sometimes maybe a thing as simple as online motivation is enough.

MsCooterBrown

"When you have had enough consequences and enough of this life, you learn that anything the mind can imagine can come true. "

This combined with what SS1L75 said - Took the words right out of my mouth...

marni

it's great to get on and read such a positive post
Thank-you reggie you've made my day!

In order to chage we must be
sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Author Unknown.

DrunkenBasement

You always have such insightful posts, reggie. Good work! You are doing awesome.