Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 66
Hello
I am 23 years old with an alcohol problem that... to put it lightly, is much farther beyond almost all the alcoholics I have met in meetings and such. I have 1 month sobre tommorow. I have not been sobre for 1 month since I was 14 or something.
I have not had a real job in almost 2 years. When I was 18 I landed a great job with my own office for a fortune 500 company, that is when my life completely fell apart. I think I knew right away when I started drinking that I had a serious problem, but I didn't start to truly realize it until I couldn't perform at work because I had tremors so bad in my hands. I would drink right away after waking up in the morning and go to college buzzed, and then after I got to school I would go the bathroom and pound the vodka I had stored in a water bottle, and then after getting out of school, drinking a little bit more before work, and then after my easy cake walk 4 hour shift at work (where I just mainly did HW and browsed the internet making good money) I would drink on my way home, and all throughout until I finally collapsed. I should also point out that I drank and drove every day all day since I was 17, and was very good at it I must add. I did this for about 2 years just trying to finish up my Associates degree, until everything finally... caught up to me. I dropped out of school, pretty much quit my job (amazingly they never fired me when I would no call no show for 2-3 days at a time, but I was an intern at the time, so they barely noticed.) After I lost my great job I just completely shut down as a person from everything. I should probably clarify that I was never a bar drinker, I was a lone drunk mostly and all I drank was Fleischmanns cheap ass vodka, and Milwaukees Best Ice, and then Steel Reserves. I blasted through what money I had, and once that was gone, I started to just charge it on my card with no money in the bank, I had the crediters on my tail, but I just blew them off. I should also clarify that I had been stealing long before this from my brothers room (change) and my parents room where they had to hide their booze because I would steal their wine bottles and just whatever I could get my hands on. Hell, I even snuck into my buddies little trailer and stole all his booze one night, I should also mention that I pretty much stole from him every day while he was at work, but so many people were in and out of that place that he never really noticed. I loved to just get a bottle and just cruise the backroads for hours on end wallowing in my self pity and depression (which I never thought I had back then LOL.) Alcohol by than had done very strange things to me physically and mentally. I can't stress enough how bad my tremors would become If I wasn't 10 or so beers deep. I should also clarify that I would drink mostly on an empty stomach because when I drank vodka I rarely felt like eating. I would binge binge binge, until I literally had alcohol poisening so bad that I just could not even drink with it there for that day. I remember waking up once or twice with a weakness in my body that I can't even begin to describe, it was very scary. The job I had I worked with pure Ethyl Alcohol that wasn't denatured... So I was stealing that for some time, but when I drank it the back of my eyeballs would burn and I started to really get scared that I was going to go blind, So thank god even with my disease as bad as it was, I finally stopped with that. Where was I... after completely destroying my credit, my family, any relationships I had had with beatiful.. and I mean gorgeous ladies that were just drawn to me like a flock of birds because of the status I had had at that time, friends, GONE. By this time I did not care about anything besides scrounging up 1.34 for that Steel Reserve. I would take soda's out of the frige and pour them out so I could take them back for that whopping knickel so I could just have something, anything, to stay from being sobre. After even I could not do this anymore, I had moved to a stage that I would have never had imagined myself getting to, stealing from stores. I would just walk in, grab a 30 pack of Beast Ice and just literally run out of the store with my car parked in the back of it and haul ass away. I did this for about a month until the cops finally busted me driving back on the highway. I was charged with DWI and pety larceny. I had been bad mouthing the cops and one even threw me into the wall because I had threatened them, and so they were in no mood for me. They took me to the judge and had to wake him up at 1 in the morning because I had no cell phone and could remember no phone numbers. My parents you could tell have had enough of me by this time and wouldn't bail me out so I sat in jail for 2 weeks until my mother finally bailed me out. You would have thought this would have been enough, but it wasn't. I was finally somewhat sobre from having sat in jail, and I felt like I had a decent head on my shoulders at the time, but any real alcoholic knows that doesn't last, and how I came up with enough courage to do it again was beyond me... but I did, and by this time the cops knew my car and blah blah... thrown in jail again for 3 weeks. My parents however are well off and I could afford my own lawyer, but even with a good lawyer I had to plead guilty to one count of DWI and one count of pety larceny, so Now I will always have that pety larceny charge with me, forever. I guess I will try and shorten this up now. I had been to the hospital many times for fighting with my parents, and being constantly passed out on the computer, I haven't even delved into the self-pity, depression, suicidal, etc etc, and I won't. I had constantly told myself for years that I was DONE, THIS WAS THE END! It's a very viscous cycle that doesn't end until death. One day, while admittidly high on marijuana I had an apiphany, I shook and cried and begged on my knees for God to help because I was going to end up blasting myself in the bathroom very soon if this was how it was going to be. I should also say that I was a Science major in school and my teacher was very big into disproving the Bible, and So I had turned my back completely on god and had turned into a very loud mouthed athiest on youtube and other sites arguining that the belief in Jesus was nonsense and held no Scientific proof, etc etc. That's when I truly changed, I stopped thinking to much into things, and lived just one moment at a time, I had attended AA in the past on my own free will and had scoffed at everything everyone had said and took no suggestions. However, when I came back in again, even when I didn't agree with what people said, I no longer rolled my eyes, but tried to understand their point of view as best as I could, and that's something I still cherish very much to this day.
I'm sorry for the long rant, But I seen many visitors on this site and know what most of them are going through, and that they want to change, but it's sooooo sooooo hard. The People places and things, etc, everything must change, and I am now willing to do that, so that I can live life on life's terms, and actually survive and try and make a little meaning out of this things I call life. The reason I wrote my story (and I left out much, but you get the point...) was that when I went to AA when I first started, I felt relieved that others shared some of my qualities and experiences with this disgusting disease.
So do you think I'm determined? YOu bet your ass I'm determined. I have never felt so clear minded in all my life as I have the last few weeks, and I must admit that I have been pretty depressed the last few weeks, but I have made it a long time (to me) and I am pretty well set in stone on my decision this time that I've had enough, I will not die from this disease, I will win. Thank you for reading.
I have not had a real job in almost 2 years. When I was 18 I landed a great job with my own office for a fortune 500 company, that is when my life completely fell apart. I think I knew right away when I started drinking that I had a serious problem, but I didn't start to truly realize it until I couldn't perform at work because I had tremors so bad in my hands. I would drink right away after waking up in the morning and go to college buzzed, and then after I got to school I would go the bathroom and pound the vodka I had stored in a water bottle, and then after getting out of school, drinking a little bit more before work, and then after my easy cake walk 4 hour shift at work (where I just mainly did HW and browsed the internet making good money) I would drink on my way home, and all throughout until I finally collapsed. I should also point out that I drank and drove every day all day since I was 17, and was very good at it I must add. I did this for about 2 years just trying to finish up my Associates degree, until everything finally... caught up to me. I dropped out of school, pretty much quit my job (amazingly they never fired me when I would no call no show for 2-3 days at a time, but I was an intern at the time, so they barely noticed.) After I lost my great job I just completely shut down as a person from everything. I should probably clarify that I was never a bar drinker, I was a lone drunk mostly and all I drank was Fleischmanns cheap ass vodka, and Milwaukees Best Ice, and then Steel Reserves. I blasted through what money I had, and once that was gone, I started to just charge it on my card with no money in the bank, I had the crediters on my tail, but I just blew them off. I should also clarify that I had been stealing long before this from my brothers room (change) and my parents room where they had to hide their booze because I would steal their wine bottles and just whatever I could get my hands on. Hell, I even snuck into my buddies little trailer and stole all his booze one night, I should also mention that I pretty much stole from him every day while he was at work, but so many people were in and out of that place that he never really noticed. I loved to just get a bottle and just cruise the backroads for hours on end wallowing in my self pity and depression (which I never thought I had back then LOL.) Alcohol by than had done very strange things to me physically and mentally. I can't stress enough how bad my tremors would become If I wasn't 10 or so beers deep. I should also clarify that I would drink mostly on an empty stomach because when I drank vodka I rarely felt like eating. I would binge binge binge, until I literally had alcohol poisening so bad that I just could not even drink with it there for that day. I remember waking up once or twice with a weakness in my body that I can't even begin to describe, it was very scary. The job I had I worked with pure Ethyl Alcohol that wasn't denatured... So I was stealing that for some time, but when I drank it the back of my eyeballs would burn and I started to really get scared that I was going to go blind, So thank god even with my disease as bad as it was, I finally stopped with that. Where was I... after completely destroying my credit, my family, any relationships I had had with beatiful.. and I mean gorgeous ladies that were just drawn to me like a flock of birds because of the status I had had at that time, friends, GONE. By this time I did not care about anything besides scrounging up 1.34 for that Steel Reserve. I would take soda's out of the frige and pour them out so I could take them back for that whopping knickel so I could just have something, anything, to stay from being sobre. After even I could not do this anymore, I had moved to a stage that I would have never had imagined myself getting to, stealing from stores. I would just walk in, grab a 30 pack of Beast Ice and just literally run out of the store with my car parked in the back of it and haul ass away. I did this for about a month until the cops finally busted me driving back on the highway. I was charged with DWI and pety larceny. I had been bad mouthing the cops and one even threw me into the wall because I had threatened them, and so they were in no mood for me. They took me to the judge and had to wake him up at 1 in the morning because I had no cell phone and could remember no phone numbers. My parents you could tell have had enough of me by this time and wouldn't bail me out so I sat in jail for 2 weeks until my mother finally bailed me out. You would have thought this would have been enough, but it wasn't. I was finally somewhat sobre from having sat in jail, and I felt like I had a decent head on my shoulders at the time, but any real alcoholic knows that doesn't last, and how I came up with enough courage to do it again was beyond me... but I did, and by this time the cops knew my car and blah blah... thrown in jail again for 3 weeks. My parents however are well off and I could afford my own lawyer, but even with a good lawyer I had to plead guilty to one count of DWI and one count of pety larceny, so Now I will always have that pety larceny charge with me, forever. I guess I will try and shorten this up now. I had been to the hospital many times for fighting with my parents, and being constantly passed out on the computer, I haven't even delved into the self-pity, depression, suicidal, etc etc, and I won't. I had constantly told myself for years that I was DONE, THIS WAS THE END! It's a very viscous cycle that doesn't end until death. One day, while admittidly high on marijuana I had an apiphany, I shook and cried and begged on my knees for God to help because I was going to end up blasting myself in the bathroom very soon if this was how it was going to be. I should also say that I was a Science major in school and my teacher was very big into disproving the Bible, and So I had turned my back completely on god and had turned into a very loud mouthed athiest on youtube and other sites arguining that the belief in Jesus was nonsense and held no Scientific proof, etc etc. That's when I truly changed, I stopped thinking to much into things, and lived just one moment at a time, I had attended AA in the past on my own free will and had scoffed at everything everyone had said and took no suggestions. However, when I came back in again, even when I didn't agree with what people said, I no longer rolled my eyes, but tried to understand their point of view as best as I could, and that's something I still cherish very much to this day.
I'm sorry for the long rant, But I seen many visitors on this site and know what most of them are going through, and that they want to change, but it's sooooo sooooo hard. The People places and things, etc, everything must change, and I am now willing to do that, so that I can live life on life's terms, and actually survive and try and make a little meaning out of this things I call life. The reason I wrote my story (and I left out much, but you get the point...) was that when I went to AA when I first started, I felt relieved that others shared some of my qualities and experiences with this disgusting disease.
So do you think I'm determined? YOu bet your ass I'm determined. I have never felt so clear minded in all my life as I have the last few weeks, and I must admit that I have been pretty depressed the last few weeks, but I have made it a long time (to me) and I am pretty well set in stone on my decision this time that I've had enough, I will not die from this disease, I will win. Thank you for reading.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 66
I guess I kind of ended that without even saying what I meant to say. That if I have enough courage to do this, that anyone who is reading this can do it as well. Don't let it run your life any longer, because you can't win against this disease, you can't and will not win, ever.
I will pray for you all.
Something someone once told me, that made little sense then, but much now, "A little faith goes a long way"
This is a great website btw, very useful and helpful information, I'm sorry if this post wasn't in the right forum.
I will pray for you all.
Something someone once told me, that made little sense then, but much now, "A little faith goes a long way"
This is a great website btw, very useful and helpful information, I'm sorry if this post wasn't in the right forum.
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Welcome, and thanks for joining us! I found this site the day I realized I couldn't have alcohol in my life if I wanted that life to be the best that it could. I've been here and alcohol-free ever since.
Hang out for a while. I'm so thankful that I have this site to help me in my recovery every day.
Hang out for a while. I'm so thankful that I have this site to help me in my recovery every day.
not little, a stranger no more
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Welcome to SR dairo!
Good that you decided to change some things in your life. It really matters a lot that you have almost 1 month of sobriety. I remember that one month was a huge thing for me, and that the first few weeks were pretty harsh-I couldn't think clearly for most of the time. But it really gets better, and you will learn over time how to deal serenely with situations, people and places that trigger you. You can get there there. I also find your reslove inspirational, there really is no age too early for quitting, and no case too bad to turn things around. Thanks for sharing your story; from what you wrote it really was time to quit. I got sober at 28 and I really wish I would have admitted to myself earlier that I had a huge problem. It would have spared me a miserable life during most of my twenties.
The good thing is, you are still young and you don't need to continue this to do this toyourself any longer. You really have a lot of things ahead of you, you can have a great life and you still have many opportunities. You are doing the right thing, and with time, it will also get easier to live a happy sober life. It is some hard work at times, but it's all worth it.
Keep coming back, like the others, I'm looking forward to read more of your posts. There are a lot of supportive people here. Take care, and have a great sober day, Lionne
Good that you decided to change some things in your life. It really matters a lot that you have almost 1 month of sobriety. I remember that one month was a huge thing for me, and that the first few weeks were pretty harsh-I couldn't think clearly for most of the time. But it really gets better, and you will learn over time how to deal serenely with situations, people and places that trigger you. You can get there there. I also find your reslove inspirational, there really is no age too early for quitting, and no case too bad to turn things around. Thanks for sharing your story; from what you wrote it really was time to quit. I got sober at 28 and I really wish I would have admitted to myself earlier that I had a huge problem. It would have spared me a miserable life during most of my twenties.
The good thing is, you are still young and you don't need to continue this to do this toyourself any longer. You really have a lot of things ahead of you, you can have a great life and you still have many opportunities. You are doing the right thing, and with time, it will also get easier to live a happy sober life. It is some hard work at times, but it's all worth it.
Keep coming back, like the others, I'm looking forward to read more of your posts. There are a lot of supportive people here. Take care, and have a great sober day, Lionne
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Congratulations on a month, dairo! That is pretty huge.
Like I said in another post to someone younger...if I had stopped in my 20s instead of my 50s my life would have turned out very differently. Keep the faith and keep coming back.
Like I said in another post to someone younger...if I had stopped in my 20s instead of my 50s my life would have turned out very differently. Keep the faith and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Welcome Dairo! Thanks for sharing your story. Everyone here has one. Different circumstances, ages, family troubles, and law troubles. The one thing we all share is the realization that we CANNOT continue to drink/use. Our stories all end the same and the fight begins. We can have better lives, jobs,and peace in our lives.
I'm happy to hear your on your way!
Best Wishes to You!
I'm happy to hear your on your way!
Best Wishes to You!
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