vujade

He called me today...that great, level-headed, sweet, caring man called me today. Said he can't believe after 21 days of treatment and knowing how much he has to lose that he would just throw it all away. That I am the woman of his dreams and that he wasn't going to trade me for vodka. Said he was going back to a meeting today and that he was serious about sobriety. He told me he knew he needed to earn back my trust and that he would. I told him that we were going to have to take a step back and that ONE drink was my bottom line. One drink.

Tonight...****-faced again. Just five hours after talking to me today. Five hours. It's not that I was convinced that everything was going to change. My HEAD knows this. But my damn HEART just won't listen!!! But REALLY??? Five hours???? I told him that he crossed my boundary and that I was sad it was ending this way but it was over. He told me to F-off. I can't believe how totally personality-altering alcohol is! This is a man who, when he is sober, looks at me with so much love in his eyes you can feel it in the room. A pint of vodka later and he steps on my heart with not an ounce of remorse.

I realize that I am not strong enough to talk to him. He is so flattering, loving, sincere and convincing when he is sober that I am going to have to find the strength to go no contact to get through this.

This SUCKS!!!!!!! I can't stop sobbing. Who was it who asked me how I was doing? I so appreciated you asking me but the truth is I'm doing absolutely HORRIBLE!!!!! Alcohol has stripped my children of a real father, me of my soul-mate. I have no use for this anymore. I want nothing to do with something that has no positive use in life. Nothing redeeming...only destructive.

Usually I'm pretty together and level-headed. Tonight I'm just broken-hearted and furious. My kiddos are here so I'm having to sob into a pillow...and the tears just won't stop. There is no one in my f2f life I can tell this all to so, if you don't mind, I just kind of want to cry on someone's shoulder tonight.

barb dwyer

suki44883

Cry away...we have broad shoulders.

tallulah

I'm a big old advocate of no contact.. because it worked for me. Admittedly he wasn't able to contact me because of a court order and I don't know how strong i would have been if that wall hadn't been placed between us. But, things happen for a reason.. and I think the reason for that was to enable me to get stronger faster.

No reminders of the 'sweet' guy, no honeyed words, no false promises.. just complete and delicious.. silence.

tjp613

Of course you can sob here, SKW. What a heartbreaking story I hope that we can give you some support thru this and make it a little easier to accept that you are doing the best thing for your children and for YOU. (((Hugs)))

lillamy

(((hugs)))
Maddening, infuriating, heartbreaking.
And I'm so sorry you're in the middle of it.

Idul

I'm fresh into no contact with my long term ABF. I can only imagine how hard it is to go through this when you have children together. I have some close friends IRL that I have been calling whenever I have the urge to contact him and it really helps. If there is no one in real life you can do that with then post here or feel free to PM me when the urge to call him strikes. Sometimes it isn't about having him hear it, it's just about getting it out of your system. I wish you the best!

Babyblue

I'm so sorry he betrayed your trust again. Especially after saying all the 'right' things.

21 days of recovery is just a drop in the bucket, they start feeling a bit better and suddenly have a 'new lease on life' yet they don't have the tools yet to stay sober that early on.

No wonder you are disappointed. Not to mention his horrible behavior to you. Sorry you had to go through this. Take care of yourself as best as you can.

bb

theuncertainty

naive

how are you today, skw?

( i notice, in myself, i can be absolutley emotionally shattered one day, and the next morning, i wake up and i feel different. like i weathered something, made a move in the right direction, and the calm of the new day shows me that this too will pass... )

vujade

Thanks for asking. Still sad but not so tormented today. I actually just posted about the hope I have for me given that I didn't have the emotional reaction of old.

Again...thanks so much for asking. It means a lot. I normally don't get so emotional and desperate so it was wonderful to have a place to come and weep.

Buffalo66

I cant count how many times have been right where you are.
All the sincere words, the genuine ownership of the wrongs, the expressed self loathing for how he treated me,with a load of promises to stop and be there for me and our son...

... and yes, it was hours later, many times, that he was s*i*ty drunk, blasting me abusively with blame and slurs.

ANd sometimes, it was a few days later, and sometimes, it was a moment later.
NOw, he is sober, struggling, and it still happens that way, alot.

He is on a roller coaster ride, and you dont have to be.
I am sorry that your heart is broken, I know how you feel.
It will get better.
Is there something creative you can do that affirms your strength, your identity?
Can you take the kids somewhere fun, forget about him for a few hours, build up some positive light energy?

I know how bad this hurts. I am sorry. You are in my prayers.