JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I am being really strong so far. It has been a week and he has gone through his cycle. You know the pissed off, then remorseful and now trying to act like nothing happened and we will be together forever. I know that our marriage vows were very important to both of us and we never cheated on each other. This is our tie to each other. Although he is a drinker, he has always been faithful. I do not understand people that cheat on each other but hey, we are all different and I do not judge others.

I am rambling but here is my point, I think I have been holding on to those vows and the "In sickness and health until death do us part". If he is sick, aren't I suppose to help him? At what point can I leave and be at peace with that decision..

tjp613

Well, that's entirely between you and your HP. But when I found myself becoming just as sick as my qualifier, I realized I couldn't be of help to anyone and no purpose was served if he simply took me down with him.

My mantra was: Let go or be dragged.

Codie101

Hi there! I wish I knew the answer to your question. It seems to me that the answer is different for everyone. I think that there is a limit on "in sickness and health" if the sickness is destroying you and who you are. Of course, I am in a relationship with ABF - nope not even married, but 3 yrs into it. It is hard for me to accept that he is sick and that I can't help him. My codependency is holding me back. I am working on that. I think once I have worked on ME and helped ME, I will begin to see how to do it. I will watch this thread very closely to see what the wiser posters say!

PS. I see you are from Massachusetts! I used to live there when I was married. See you have tons of snow...YIKES! Winter is just not my thing!

LaTeeDa

I was stuck on the marriage vows question for a long time, too. Then someone pointed out that there is more in there than just the "sickness and health" part. What about the "love, honor and cherish?" That's when I realized that I wasn't being "loved, honored and cherished" and that he had broken our marriage vows long ago. It goes both ways, you know? I spent many years trying to "save my marriage." Until I realized that one person cannot save a marriage. It takes two, and both have to be willing to do it. Are you holding yourself to a higher standard than him? Is he honoring the marriage vows? In my case he was not.

L

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

This is why I love this site. You guys are so brutally honest but have such a great way with the delivery of your message.

THANKS!!

stella27

I know exactly what you mean, JRG.

I don't know if you have children, but once I started to see the effect that his behavior (including mood changes caused by mixing alcohol and meds) was having on my CHILDREN, I could no longer sacrifice myself (getting crazier by the day, as someone said above) as their mother or sacrifice their childhood and who they were by sticking around in a house of mirrors and crazy dynamics.

If I am honest, I stayed way too long in terms of the impact on my kiddos, but divorce has an impact, too...

It actually came to a point where it was going to be him or me, and I had to put my money on ME. Because I and my children stood to go down with the ship.

I hope that helps. Even if you don't have children, YOU can't afford to go down with the ship either. God didn't put you on earth to be someone's savior, and you can't do it anyway. (((hugs))).

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Stella27 - Yes, I have 2 daughters but they are older now. They both support me with leaving him. I almost feel that they want me to leave him. You are right with "going down with the ship". It is time, I believe to leave. I just have to get my game plan and follow through. My main thing is that he sucks me back in because he stops and starts with the drinking. Somehow he manages to stay sober for months at a time and during these sober months, things can be very good.

I have to focus on me and my future and almost give myself permission to move on. If that makes any sense at all.

jayscott

My AW has actually tried this argument on me -- "I guess when you said for better or worse, that wasn't worth very much". At one point I actually went and got out our vows and tried to show them to her, and to point out the parts about mutual respect and trust, but that ended the conversation pretty quickly.

I'm talking from a weird place at the moment, though...I filed divorce papers 3 days ago. If you had asked me a week ago if I thought that would happen, I would have said no. I had given her a choice between rehab and divorce, and she chose a bottle of vodka.

lillamy

LaTeeDa -- THANK YOU!!!! That was brilliant!!!

My RAXH has been asking me that question, repeatedly. He finally decided that I was just a bad, unreliable person for whom our marriage vows meant nothing. Because after 20 years, I "bailed when it got difficult"...

I think you can be at peace with that decision when you reach the point where you're at peace with that decision. (Sounding like Yoda, but with better grammar.) Or, alternatively, you get to a point (as I did) where staying is worse than leaving, and you really don't care about having peace about the decision, you just know it's the right one.

zrx1200R

You don't need anyone's permission. All of us probably agree on one thing: We've all stayed too long in a bad relationship with an Alcoholic. They feed on people like us. We are kind and caring. We are not selfish. Our words mean things. Our actions speak louder, though.

When you decide you've had enough, make it so. Your vows are important. But no less important than the ones your spouse made.

Think of them as a contract. Like any other contract, if the other party fails to keep up their end of the contract, over and over and over again for years on end, do you STILL have an obligation to live up to your end of the contract? Is a vow any more or less binding than a contract?

Miss 4 house payments and see how your mortgage holder or landlord treats you. Now look at how many "payments" your spouse missed.

See. You don't need permission.

StarCat

Yes! VERY well said, zrx1200R!

mfrankl6

My question in all of this is what about the father in the situation. I have held my family together for years. Finally by making many sacrifices I was able to purchase my first dream home and I have to contemplate everyday on whether to walk away from it all. I feel like I will loose everything I worked for. Sometimes I just wish she would just walk away and let me and the kids have our dream. Since hers is in the bottom of a can. I can relate to everything you guys have been saying in the message. Married but don't know how long is too long. I do love her but the drinking has forced me out of love. Now it is just pure survival. she has had a couple of accidents driving drunk was blessed to not be charged but periodically she drives until she gets away with it. Nothing is getting done in the home unless I do it. I have to give her credit in the one place she handles the business. She cooks! Everything else is me laundry, cleaning, and house choirs period. There is no care or shame in seeing the condition of the place when company arrives. I am left to fend for myself and clean at a moments notice when friends try to drop in. I am so embarrassed I just want to crawl under a rock. I too will be following this forum. thanks guys for all the great words of wisdom. I am frustrated beyond belief and I have many stories to tell. 8 or 9 years of dealing with my wife's alcoholism!!

StarCat

Perhaps it will help, mfrankl, if you write a list of the pros and cons with continuing the way things are versus leaving. Sometimes having everything on paper in black and white will help you sort out what you feel is the best thing to do.

Also, since she is an alcoholic, there might be a way to get her to leave the house. I know other people have done it on this forum. (I did, but the lease was my name only, and he never changed his legal address, so I do not count.) I would ask around for advice and look into that.

LaTeeDa

Love him or hate him, Dr. Phil comes up with some gems. My favorite is this one:

"What's worse than being in a bad relationship for ten years? Being in a bad relationship for ten years and one day."

(In my case it was twenty years, but hey, who's counting?)

L

jols

it's interesting to thing about the "breaking point" or whatever you want to call it, the point when you realize that you just can't take it anymore. Sometimes it ends in the end of the relationship, and sometimes it doesn't, but it always changes things. I think the hard thing in dealing with alcoholics is that they are not rational when they are drinking and sometimes they are not rational until they have been sober for months and I'm sure that varies too. So (for me at least) it's easy to lose sight of what is sane and what's real and what's not when you've spent so much time trying to explain to someone that the sky is blue when they are convinced that it's purple (and they want you to agree that it's purple, too). I feel for you JRG and I hope that whatever path your relationship takes I hope that you remember that YOU are important.

lillamy

Consult a lawyer. You may be in a better situation than you think.

jayscott

Totally agree with lillamy. In California anyway, getting sole custody of the kids typically means getting the primary residence (least disruptive for the kids). Then she is legally required to move.

Midwestman

My breaking point was 2 days ago (Saturday) moved into an apartment with a six month lease, rental furniture and all. Married 23 years together for thirty. Tough decision but am really happy I actually did it. Have been fantasizing
about it for years. Was looking up corporate furnished apartments for months
until I decided the hell with it sign a damn lease already. Couldn't take having
her coming home at 5am three times a week. Tried to live two separate lives
under the same roof but couldn't do it. Wasn't me. I had concerns about divorce because I have a business and was afraid of dealing with the mess it would cause but I weighed my options and decided I wanted to live more than i wanted to make money.

Jazzman

When you value yourself more than your partner does the healthy choice becomes obvious.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

You are right, there is more to my vows then the "in sickness and in health" part. I get stuck on that one and forget the others and faithfulness is a part of the vows but again, not the whole thing.

I think I just had a light bulb moment or as you guys say, some progress, growth etc..