artsoul

(This was originally a response to a thread Tendencies started, but then it started morphing into its own entity..... Thought I'd make a separate post and get some feedback):


I've had days lately when I just don't feel happy. I get tired of the stress (mainly financial and with kids). I like LaFemme's idea of "embracing sobriety" rather than "giving up drinking...." Still, there are times when I'm not in an embracing mood... Maybe my Prozac isn't working as well as it used to, or maybe after becoming used to a buzz, there's still that desire for a mental vacation.

So, what I was thinking this week is that there really ARE times when we miss it, even grieve a bit over it and maybe resent our disease. And I've also been thinking that maybe this is perfectly normal.

Afterall, if my doctor told me I was diabetic or had some other chronic disease which meant changing my lifestyle, I'd feel the same way. I'd be envious sometimes of people who could go about their lives normally. I'd feel sorry for myself occasionally. I'd have to find new ways to live. It might really be hard - it might p*** me off. I certainly wouldn't expect myself to be happy about it.

So what I'm wondering is: is there an over-emphasis on it in sobriety? Maybe it's not about being happy all the time, but more about being the best we can be and doing the right thing, being proud of ourselves and thinking of others. I wonder if the search for happiness is what gets us into this mess in the first place, and if we insist on always being happy in sobriety, do we run the risk of feeling we're not doing it right? Even make us want to relapse? If I'm going to accept life on life's terms, doesn't that mean also accepting some of my unhappiness?

When we accept that "it's OK to feel not OK," it almost seems to make it OK again. (whew, I hope someone else knows what I'm saying!!). What I'm not saying is that people should live in a state of depression. But expecting and accepting negative feelings might be one way to avoid drinking them away.........

Thanks for listening! Any comments?

artsoul

p.s. NOT even thinking about drinking, by the way!

Dee74

Sobriety is great - I love who I am and I love that I'm not bound down like I used to be. But bad days, and bad things, still happen.

I absolutely had to learn it was OK to feel sad or angry or depressed...or even happy...I'd drunk for so long, I'd numbed myself for so many years that all those emotions were strange and unfamiliar to me.

I missed the 'respite' of drinking' for a while...until I realised it really wasn't a respite at all...it was just a lull before the storm I'd summon up to help me cope hit me....jumping from the frying pan into the fire isn't really a good way to cope with anything

The best gift I ever gave myself is learning I can handle a lot...and I can get through a lot too. I can feel whatever it is I feel in response to an event and get through that too.

The only thing I can't do - if I want to stay the man I am and have the life I have - is drink

D

Draciack

I think happiness and serenity are two different things - one is an emotion and sort of fleeting, the other is a more general state. There may be days when I'm unhappy (or angry, or depressed) and I can be okay with those days as long as they're part of a natural process.

What I try to avoid is manufactured unhappiness - i.e. feeling sorry for myself as opposed to genuine loss or throwing a temper tantrum about a traffic jam. I'm starting to learn proportionality, not overreacting or under-reacting, but it's a process.

LexieCat

I agree with Drac. Serenity is really the goal. Or, to put it in Buddhist terms, equanimity. Being on a more or less even keel.

It's insane, and setting yourself up for a big fall, to expect to feel "happy" all the time. But it isn't unreasonable to expect serenity and peace. Sometimes events disrupt that feeling, but if we are doing what we need to do, the ship rights itself.

BobGT

Hi Artsoul! Those are some good questions and I have a couple of comments.

First, I think life just naturally has its ups and downs. We have good times, bad times, and times in the middle. And this applies to everyone. A King’s lows might be better on an absolute basis than a poor person’s highs, but the feelings are relative to each. And both go through the cycle. So while we should accept that the lows are coming at some point, we can still work to upgrade the whole gamut.

So how do we get this upgrade of life? My answer is similar to AA’s answer. The AA gang would say this is done through a spiritual awakening. I’ve been to a fair amount of AA meetings, but I’m not working the steps, so I hope I have that right. I’m working my own method of spiritual improvement, and I don’t want to discuss details here, but it has definitely improved my outlook and attitude on most everything. Each of us needs to find his or her own path.

And obviously, things such as drinking, illegal acts (jail), etc. work to lower our quality of life. So we should stay away from these.

I guess most of the above is common sense, but I started typing to answer your question and that is what came out. Thanks for bringing up the subject. I haven’t read any of the other answers yet, so I’ll post this and see what others said.

AmericanGirl

Hi Artsoul --
Thanks for the post. I am coming out of a rough patch myself and it can be hard (for me at least) to acknowledging it sometimes, as if unhappiness is a failure, so I appreciate you posting on the topic and I think the last paragraph especially makes a good point.

Happiness seems to me a weirdly American (and I'm American obvs) obsession. Equanimity I can see as a more realistic long-term ideal. I try to work on keeping my thought processes healthy, and I try to stay n touch with "those things that are greater than me," and I try to keep the physical parts in line too (by exercise, eating well, etc). I do experience joy regularly, but I must admit that when I first got sober, I thought it might cure everything -- and I see now that what sobriety has helped do is remove a huge obstacle that was in my path, but the path . . . the path still exists, you know? So, I am realizing more and more that most things in my life, including my mood, are going to fluctuate. The biggest thing is accepting that as okay, like you say, when by nature I'm someone who sought those little bursts of happy brain juice even if they were coming artificially & to my detriment.

Thanks again for the post.

Antiderivative

I know exactly where you are coming from. It is great when I am happy-go-lucky and just grateful to be sober and above ground. Those moments are great, but I am not always like that. I sometimes have funks and self-pity parties.

Often times my self-pity parties are not warranted, but I still occasionally throw them. I have learned when I am in that state of mind, I am not properly accepting reality and not being grateful for the blessings I have. However, I know that I will snap out of it in a short period of time.

I tell myself that "it is OK to not feel OK", which certainly helps and I let myself feel without entertaining those feelings too much. I detach myself as much as I can from those emotions and I let those feelings run their course. It eventually passes and I find myself in better spirits once again.

artsoul

WOW - you are all SO WISE!!You_Rock_ And I mean that - I felt like each one of your posts gave me new insight.....

Dee - I loved the "frying pan into the fire" analogy.... that's really what alcohol does: we have a problem and by drinking just add poison to our brains and bodies. Not exactly a solution (duh). I also love the part about the greatest gift you gave yourself (seeing that you could get through alot). I feel that way, too.

Draciack - thanks fellow Mayflower! I love the tantrum in the middle of traffic! Thanks for reminding me of the idea of serenity as a "general state."

Lexie - I'm going to remember the term "even keel" - Sobriety has brought me much closer to that, for sure.

BobGT - I'm going to start exercising my "spiritual muscle" more - I do believe I've been slacking. I'm glad you just let the words "come out" as you said. I needed to hear them.

American Girl - this really spoke to me:
When I read this, I realized that everything is a part of that path and it's still ongoing. Gave me another piece of the puzzle.

Anti - Thanks for admitting you throw an occasional pity party! Might as well make it an event, haha. Thanks, too, for the word "detach" - that fits in (for me) with the spiritual part, like being the observer....... good advice.

Thanks to each of you. I'm glad I posted - it really opened some doors in my brain!

Kmber2010

What a good post Art and I definitely know what ya mean.

I remember feeling utopia quite a bit in the beginning and then panicking when I had down days. Had to work quite a bit in recovery to learn that it is ok and part of life to feel and have emotions again.

Can't say everyday is skyrocket amazing.....some days just suck and that is totally ok. What I am grateful for everyday and blessed with is my sobriety and the ability to see clearly once again that ups/downs do happen and I am totally ok with it.

Huggs and right on. I get it!

AWOL

I know exactly what you're saying Artsoul. The expectation that sobriety = happiness can put you on rocky ground, and i've learned that actually there are days when i find sobriety boring, predictable, and strange to live with... a little like taking the dog for a walk down the same safe path every day and coming back to the same place -- a house where everything is exactly as you left it and nothing has changed. What happened to those golden sunsets with the feet up and the ice-cold beer in the hand? So there are days when I really miss having a drink and I also berate this disease, cursing it for the way it has controlled my life. But the overarching benefit of sobriety for me has been the realization that these feelings and mental images are so transitory... that tomorrow, the chemical pull toward that beer in the hand won't be there, and that by that time the beer will be warm and flat, and the sun will have set. And, more important, the dissatisfaction and craving will morph into acceptance and gratitude. I believe that if we are to stay sober we must accept that we change every second, and that no matter how rough the ride is now, it will never be the same tomorrow, and that each day it gets easier. Like you and LaFemme said embracing sobriety is so much better than giving up drinking especially when you hold onto that embrace with care and affection.

LaFemme

Hi artsoul! Great thread!

I'm with americangirl...we place an overemphasis on happiness in society. I kind of realized this 10 years ago...the difference between the pursuit of happiness which is tied to external factors and having joy, which is internal, in ones life. I had the epiphany but since I was drinking I could never really get there.

The thing about a joyful life for me is thaT even when I am unhappy, stressed, sad or bored I am ok with it because there is a deep well of joy within. If I am feeling bad I can shut off for a minute and taP into this river of joy and find peace. This sustains me through the bad times which are a normal aspect of life.

Thanks for the thought provoking thread!

spqr

Bertrand Russell said that drunkenness is temporary suicide, and that was definately the case for me.

I completely agree that sobriety shouldn't be viewed as a cure-all. I think removing alcohol from my life will in the long run open up more opportunities for me to be happy. Sobriety will at least give me a fighting chance.

jamdls

I never assumed that sobriety would bring me happiness I didn't know it was supposed to. My first year of sobriety I was anything but happy, having to deal with all the shame and guilt of the previous 10 yrs and missing my 'buddy' mr vino made me pretty miserable, I was afraid of my own shadow that first year and around the 1 yr mark I seriously considered drinking. Not much has changed in my external world since I stopped drinking, I still have the same boring job (but yes I'm greatful I have a job), live in the same home- alone, and I don't have any close friends- just acquaintances. What has changed is I have inner peace, I no longer feel a need to escape into nothingness I am content, and contentment to me is much more real and lasting.

artsoul

Thanks Kmbr, AWOL, LaFemme and spqr! Your responses were great and it's nice to know you understand/identify with what I was feeling. I'm lucky to have you all to bounce things off of. Thanks again! I'm going to reprint this thread for future "reference."

Sometimes I forget that those drinking days weren't happy times either. If I added up all the bad days in sobriety, they'd probably be a drop in the bucket compared to my active drinking days.

haha, AWOL - ain't it the truth!!!

ru12

I think in early sobriety it is enough to just be sober. From that baseline we can begin to deal with life in a rational way. From that datum we can then try to find happiness, or avoid suffering, as people without alcohol problems do. I know when I look out on the word of my "normal" friends thet have varied emotions. Sometimes they are happy, sometimes stressed, sometimes angry and sometimes sad. One of the things I look forward to experiencing with my sobriety is this change in emotions that arise for everyday life. For so long everything I've experienced has been clouded by that smothering alcoholic blanket.

Anna

I don't think that recovery is about being happy all the time, not at all. I think it's about feeling at peace with my situation, which I do. One thing I learned in recovery is that my feelings are not me, they are just feelings. So, I can 'feel', recognize the feeling, let it go and move on.

Sometimes a Gratitude Journal can help, too. It's a place where you're expecting to write about positive things that happened during your day, and it can influence your thinking during the day.

Lushwell

Ships are built to sail the seas, however, if they are undirected, they will soon be in trouble, either sinking or finding themselves smashed on some rocks. We aren't much different. It takes skill and effort to captain a ship. Needing to stay on top of direction, winds, adjust the course to fit the condition of the sea. I find the same true with my life. My voyage in life improved when I quit using my feelings as a compass. I began focusing on the direction my life needed to be going, making some sacrifices here and there, learning new methods of navigation, and accepting that I was on an always changing sea. Feelings are a poor barometer for planning things. I recognize what I feel, own what I feel, but they no longer control the direction of my ship. Not without some serious examination. I am powerless over what I may feel......I am not powerless over my reactions to them. Like caving in. Like pulling the blankets over my head and saying "Life, come back tomorrow". I made some commitments to today. My self worth is deeply affected if I give up and don't at least try be responsible to my obligations, even the ones I made to myself.

Happiness is not a goal or condition in my recovery. It is a by-product of a way of life. My reward for carrying on, even on the days it was hard.

artsoul

Beautifully said, Lushwell. Thanks!