One In A Million
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 7
One In A Million
This is my first attempt at seeking help w/o looking over my wife's shoulder and reading threads and posts through her membership here. It's hard for me to believe there is so much compassion by SR members for others. I feel like I'm one in a million storytellers of the pain and suffering that families go through. "Overwhelming" is an understatement. It's times like these that can sometimes make me feel that no matter how many people care, their concern and prayers will make no difference in my life, my wife's life, or my addicted youngest son's life. But it's also times like these that bring me to the realization that w/o my wife reaching out and getting help and support from all of you, we would be no closer to understanding and accepting our son's addiction. My wife and I know what we have to do.... It's taken 16 years for us to figure that out. My wife and I are tired of fighting my son for the right to live our own lives. "....... mourning the loss of someone living" is how 'Kindeyes' put it.... poignant and perfectly put. Hello to everyone here and Goodbye, my son, .... we must let you go now. Love, Dad
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome (((((Hardluck)))))
As you seem to be figuring out you have found a GREAT place with lots of ES&H from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.
Letting go is very difficult, but does not mean you stop loving him. You have just reached the point of keeping HIS chaos out of your life and allowing him to suffer the FULL CONSEQUENCES of HIS ACTIONS.
Let me tell you a story. A true story. A not very pretty story, but I believe one that may give you some hope.
In January of 1979, when I was 33 1/2 years old my family said "No More. This is YOUR problem you deal with it, we cannot any longer."
They told me if I came to the door, it would be shut in my face, if I called on the phone they would hang up and if I tried to steal from them (again) they WOULD call the police. They meant it.
My attitude was F*** you. I moved across the country to California, where it took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollywood.
Over the years since then I have said the only thing I would have changed is I WISH THEY HAD DONE IT SOONER.
It was the BEST thing my parents ever did for me, to be honest.
At about 3 years into my recovery my Mom and I had a long talk about this and she told me they had reached their 'wits end' and knew that if they continued what they had been doing they were both going to end up in straight jackets in padded cells, they had no choice but to let me sink or swim on my own.
I will celebrate 30 years clean and sober this June 7th and 27 years in AlAnon the same day.
Over these many years I have met others who had done to them what was done to me and in AlAnon I have met folks who have had the courage my parents did with excellent outcomes.
I won't lie, I have also met some folks that their loved one never did get it.
So, please know we will walk with you in spirit. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
As you seem to be figuring out you have found a GREAT place with lots of ES&H from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.
Letting go is very difficult, but does not mean you stop loving him. You have just reached the point of keeping HIS chaos out of your life and allowing him to suffer the FULL CONSEQUENCES of HIS ACTIONS.
Let me tell you a story. A true story. A not very pretty story, but I believe one that may give you some hope.
In January of 1979, when I was 33 1/2 years old my family said "No More. This is YOUR problem you deal with it, we cannot any longer."
They told me if I came to the door, it would be shut in my face, if I called on the phone they would hang up and if I tried to steal from them (again) they WOULD call the police. They meant it.
My attitude was F*** you. I moved across the country to California, where it took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollywood.
Over the years since then I have said the only thing I would have changed is I WISH THEY HAD DONE IT SOONER.
It was the BEST thing my parents ever did for me, to be honest.
At about 3 years into my recovery my Mom and I had a long talk about this and she told me they had reached their 'wits end' and knew that if they continued what they had been doing they were both going to end up in straight jackets in padded cells, they had no choice but to let me sink or swim on my own.
I will celebrate 30 years clean and sober this June 7th and 27 years in AlAnon the same day.
Over these many years I have met others who had done to them what was done to me and in AlAnon I have met folks who have had the courage my parents did with excellent outcomes.
I won't lie, I have also met some folks that their loved one never did get it.
So, please know we will walk with you in spirit. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 7
Thankyou, Laurie, for the encouragement .... Congratulations on your recovery- I wish you continued success... who did you turn to for support back then ?... the internet did not exist and AA / NA wasn't as much in the open as today......
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
who did you turn to for support back then ?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-my-story.html
AA was pretty much the only game in town back then, and while still in the hospital, some folks from the AA community visited me and gave me the names and phones numbers of several "House Mothers" of Recovery Homes for Alcoholic Women. I ended up in Canoga Park at the Women's Odyssey House.
It can and has happened for many others also.
Hang in there.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by HardLuck 
My wife and I are tired of fighting my son for the right to live our own lives. "....... mourning the loss of someone living" is how 'Kindeyes' put it.... poignant and perfectly put. Hello to everyone here and Goodbye, my son, .... we must let you go now. Love, Dad
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hardluck,
welome to you, you are here with us under your own steam now. that is actually a little sign of progress believe it or not.
between the lines of your post, i read "helpless" and also "hopeless". what a rotten place to be, where it seems only depair dwells.
it is no more true, however, than the many other lies we are told, or tell ourselves, until we walk into a place that is more light-filled.
there are many parents here, and many of them have not only learned to cope and survive, but thrive in spite of what their child is doing.
i wish for peace to come soon to you; we hold your hand prior, during, and after that time.
welome to you, you are here with us under your own steam now. that is actually a little sign of progress believe it or not.
between the lines of your post, i read "helpless" and also "hopeless". what a rotten place to be, where it seems only depair dwells.
it is no more true, however, than the many other lies we are told, or tell ourselves, until we walk into a place that is more light-filled.
there are many parents here, and many of them have not only learned to cope and survive, but thrive in spite of what their child is doing.
i wish for peace to come soon to you; we hold your hand prior, during, and after that time.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
welcome, hardluck, you have come to a place that will give you encouragement, help you get through the toughest times, and give you guidance through experiences shared by those who have been there - my AS will be 28 on feb. 16 - he is in prison right now - a situation i thought would most certainly kill me if and when it ever happened but surprisingly enough this has been one of the more peaceful times since his addiction went into full gear about 6 years ago - i spent a lot of time talking, "helping", giving my time and efforts toward his options - one sunday morning i laid face down in the pasture and with great agony gave my son up to God - my son was on a very distructive and quickly accelerating downward spiral - i was very afraid he was going to end up dead but there was nothing i could do to stop his course - i had to give him up to the one and only who loves him even more than i do - my son was arrested the next morning and has been locked up since - he will be locked up for some time - he realizes he was headed for the worst possible outcome and he is making really good use of the time he has now away from drugs and bad situations - everyone has to find their own way through this but it is comforting to know that others walk with us and we can learn so very much from the experiences of others - i hope you will keep coming back -
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I also want to welcome you to the family, Hardluck. I'm very sorry you are in such pain. I've been there, too.
We "let go" of our 19 year old son a year ago (he's 20 now) and he's actually doing pretty well now. I just had dinner with him and we had a nice time. He did some work for me and I paid him $50. He also has a full-time job and is supporting himself. Funny, I don't think he has a lot of extra money to buy drugs anymore. And whether he does or not, it's none of my business. He's in charge of his own life and I've have learned to let go of the dreams I had for him....but it's ok. We love each other and he knows that will never change. We did not get here overnight. Our nightmare started 5 years ago...
We're happy to help if we can. I wish it were an easier path, but frankly it's the hardest thing you will ever do. But all hope is not lost... not at all.
(((Hugs)))
We "let go" of our 19 year old son a year ago (he's 20 now) and he's actually doing pretty well now. I just had dinner with him and we had a nice time. He did some work for me and I paid him $50. He also has a full-time job and is supporting himself. Funny, I don't think he has a lot of extra money to buy drugs anymore. And whether he does or not, it's none of my business. He's in charge of his own life and I've have learned to let go of the dreams I had for him....but it's ok. We love each other and he knows that will never change. We did not get here overnight. Our nightmare started 5 years ago...
We're happy to help if we can. I wish it were an easier path, but frankly it's the hardest thing you will ever do. But all hope is not lost... not at all.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 7
Thanks to 'Litehorse' .....sharing what you have gone through helps more than words can express; and to 'keepinon' my thanks and hope that your daughter finds her way .... HOPE - a four letter word I will strive to use more than some of the others.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome HardLuck. My addict son has been missing over over 6 years, lost in his addiction somewhere.
Before he left, we went through years of his cycle of recovery and relapse, rehabs and jail, good times of sobriety and nightmares of active addiction...and the thing is, nothing we ever did or didn't do made a lick of difference in his choices. We thought love could save him, but if that were true not one of us would be here.
His addiction became a family sickness because each one of us became sicker and sicker over time. We totally lost site of what a "normal" healthy life might be.
We tried and we tried and we finally gave his care to God.
Today I say a prayer for my son every morning, and then I live the rest of my day in peace, in joy and I see the beauty in every day.
We couldn't save my son, only he can do whatever he needs to do to find a better path.
But we didn't have to get dragged down into his darkness of addiction. Instead I choose to live in my light of recovery and pray someday he will see it and follow.
I will keep your family in my prayers too. It's no picnic having an addicted child.
Hugs
Before he left, we went through years of his cycle of recovery and relapse, rehabs and jail, good times of sobriety and nightmares of active addiction...and the thing is, nothing we ever did or didn't do made a lick of difference in his choices. We thought love could save him, but if that were true not one of us would be here.
His addiction became a family sickness because each one of us became sicker and sicker over time. We totally lost site of what a "normal" healthy life might be.
We tried and we tried and we finally gave his care to God.
Today I say a prayer for my son every morning, and then I live the rest of my day in peace, in joy and I see the beauty in every day.
We couldn't save my son, only he can do whatever he needs to do to find a better path.
But we didn't have to get dragged down into his darkness of addiction. Instead I choose to live in my light of recovery and pray someday he will see it and follow.
I will keep your family in my prayers too. It's no picnic having an addicted child.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hardluck
Welcome to SR......I hope you find support and comfort here. I have.
I also remember the moment when I surrendered. And mine was as humbling as 'litehorses'. Laying in the bottom of the shower floor, naked, with water pouring over me as I sobbed and screamed "I surrender...I can't do this anymore....he is in your hands now."
That was my bottom. That was my admission that I was powerless over the addict (my son) and that my life had become completely and totally unmanageable. Is my life perfect now? No. But it is manageable and I spend more time "serene" than I do down or worried. I sleep at night. I work and can concentrate. I know my son is struggling to stay sober but it is his struggle. Not mine. I know he wants it but he has to want it for himself more than I want it for him. I find comfort knowing that he knows what he needs to do. He has the tools and he has to be the one to use them. Not me.
We let them go but we don't stop loving them ever. Our sons are in Gods hands and I can't think of a better place for them to be.
Welcome.
Gentle hugs
Welcome to SR......I hope you find support and comfort here. I have.
one sunday morning i laid face down in the pasture and with great agony gave my son up to God - my son was on a very distructive and quickly accelerating downward spiral - i was very afraid he was going to end up dead but there was nothing i could do to stop his course
That was my bottom. That was my admission that I was powerless over the addict (my son) and that my life had become completely and totally unmanageable. Is my life perfect now? No. But it is manageable and I spend more time "serene" than I do down or worried. I sleep at night. I work and can concentrate. I know my son is struggling to stay sober but it is his struggle. Not mine. I know he wants it but he has to want it for himself more than I want it for him. I find comfort knowing that he knows what he needs to do. He has the tools and he has to be the one to use them. Not me.
We let them go but we don't stop loving them ever. Our sons are in Gods hands and I can't think of a better place for them to be.
Welcome.
Gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Just to give you a little more hope..we did let our daughter wallow in her addiction w/no help from us in any way...she chose to go into recovery after 8 mo. of being out there living the life w/ no cushion to fall back on.She will have (HP willing) 4 mo. sober on Wed.
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