Addicted to ABF
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Posts: 49
Addicted to ABF
I've been reading this forum for months, and believe I'm finally ready to post something about myself.
I'm a mom (2 daughters) and a grandmom (2 girls, 1 boy), and have been single for several years. I carry a lot of mom-guilt, as I'm sure most, if not all, of us moms do. So in the attempt to relieve some of that guilt, I've done my share of using/abusing of all kinds of drugs and alcohol. I was sucked in mostly by coke - it sucked me in at first use - I describe it as "I fell face-first into a pile of coke and couldn't get out" (but somehow quit on my own '87), and I ate somas like tic-tacs for a couple of years (quit in about '98). I dabbled in most everything else. I really don't like opiates, tho. Ick. I guess my brain is picky - I don't get "hooked" on many substances - but will sometimes use them when around others who are using them. I don't otherwise seek them out, etc. But I do like the escape.
I take lamictal and klonopin for seizures, but use them as directed. I'll have a drink or two when out with friends, but don't drink around home, it just doesn't hold that much appeal for me.
My drug is my ABF. His drug is heroin. He has been using it off and on for probably ten (?) years. I used it once with him, and new if I didn't stop right then, I'd be done for. By the grace of the universe, I was able to stop after first use. (Don't know why I liked it so much, I don't even like opiates.) It's been several months since that one time, and I want more. But I don't want it more than I do want it. (If that makes any sense.)
I hate the thought of being a "codie", although it has been pointed out I'm classic. I've had two previous boyfriends intentionally commit suicide shortly after breaking up with them. I'm not foolish or narcisistic enough to think I had anything to do with either one. I realize they would have done that whether I was there or not. But that doesn't make the guilt any easier.
I have promised this man my unconditional friendship, and am not ready to walk away yet. I don't hate him. I don't even dislike him. Maybe the good times still outweigh the bad times? I don't know. He's the first man I've given my heart to since my divorce in '04. I don't mind being alone, living alone...in fact, I prefer it. The ABF and I have never lived together, although we have a push-pull relationship - which I admit I'm aware of and participate in - willingly.
I came to SR to learn more about heroin since I hadn't been around it much until recently. It's ugly. Very ugly. My ABF is 33 and looks 55. He is 6'1" and weighs about 125 pounds. We saw some mutual friends a couple of days ago, and if I hadn't been with him, they said they wouldn't have known it was him. I don't give him money, clothes, or anything like that, but I will help make sure he eats. The codie (and the mom) in me just wants to hold him close. It's just so very sad.
I haven't been to any meetings recently. (I went to ACoA, but didn't like it, it just wasn't for me.) I know 12-step programs work for some, but they just aren't for me.
I'm sure you've all heard this story, and lived it, also.
I'm a mom (2 daughters) and a grandmom (2 girls, 1 boy), and have been single for several years. I carry a lot of mom-guilt, as I'm sure most, if not all, of us moms do. So in the attempt to relieve some of that guilt, I've done my share of using/abusing of all kinds of drugs and alcohol. I was sucked in mostly by coke - it sucked me in at first use - I describe it as "I fell face-first into a pile of coke and couldn't get out" (but somehow quit on my own '87), and I ate somas like tic-tacs for a couple of years (quit in about '98). I dabbled in most everything else. I really don't like opiates, tho. Ick. I guess my brain is picky - I don't get "hooked" on many substances - but will sometimes use them when around others who are using them. I don't otherwise seek them out, etc. But I do like the escape.
I take lamictal and klonopin for seizures, but use them as directed. I'll have a drink or two when out with friends, but don't drink around home, it just doesn't hold that much appeal for me.
My drug is my ABF. His drug is heroin. He has been using it off and on for probably ten (?) years. I used it once with him, and new if I didn't stop right then, I'd be done for. By the grace of the universe, I was able to stop after first use. (Don't know why I liked it so much, I don't even like opiates.) It's been several months since that one time, and I want more. But I don't want it more than I do want it. (If that makes any sense.)
I hate the thought of being a "codie", although it has been pointed out I'm classic. I've had two previous boyfriends intentionally commit suicide shortly after breaking up with them. I'm not foolish or narcisistic enough to think I had anything to do with either one. I realize they would have done that whether I was there or not. But that doesn't make the guilt any easier.
I have promised this man my unconditional friendship, and am not ready to walk away yet. I don't hate him. I don't even dislike him. Maybe the good times still outweigh the bad times? I don't know. He's the first man I've given my heart to since my divorce in '04. I don't mind being alone, living alone...in fact, I prefer it. The ABF and I have never lived together, although we have a push-pull relationship - which I admit I'm aware of and participate in - willingly.
I came to SR to learn more about heroin since I hadn't been around it much until recently. It's ugly. Very ugly. My ABF is 33 and looks 55. He is 6'1" and weighs about 125 pounds. We saw some mutual friends a couple of days ago, and if I hadn't been with him, they said they wouldn't have known it was him. I don't give him money, clothes, or anything like that, but I will help make sure he eats. The codie (and the mom) in me just wants to hold him close. It's just so very sad.
I haven't been to any meetings recently. (I went to ACoA, but didn't like it, it just wasn't for me.) I know 12-step programs work for some, but they just aren't for me.
I'm sure you've all heard this story, and lived it, also.
Last edited by Jayner; 01-23-2011 at 08:28 AM. Reason: Yikes! Sorry so long.
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Location: In a good place
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If it helps any, codependency is not a disorder; but as another member posted recently, it's the gateway to disorders. Like pot is a gateway drug for many.
Codie traits are simply that, traits. They are unhealthy ways we've learned to cope, in the absence of healthy coping skills. They can be unlearned if a person wants that bad enough.
A couple of sayings come to my mind right now:
Birds of a feather flock together.
Water seeks it's own level.
We seek people who reaffirm our vision of ourselves. I tend to associate with people who are at least somewhat obsessive, though I prefer the word passionate. These days I choose better and pick people whose obsessions/passions match and reflect my new state of mind
Codie traits are simply that, traits. They are unhealthy ways we've learned to cope, in the absence of healthy coping skills. They can be unlearned if a person wants that bad enough.
A couple of sayings come to my mind right now:
Birds of a feather flock together.
Water seeks it's own level.
We seek people who reaffirm our vision of ourselves. I tend to associate with people who are at least somewhat obsessive, though I prefer the word passionate. These days I choose better and pick people whose obsessions/passions match and reflect my new state of mind
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Jayner))) - I was addicted to my XABF#1 - he drank, I drank with him (a lot). The emotional pain of being with him, no matter what, which I knew was codependency in my HEAD, it didn't get through to my heart (I read all of Melodie Beattie's books).
I went on to develop my own addiction (just didn't want to feel the pain of being WITH him and WITHOUT him)...2 more XABF's and I finally realized that what we had, wasn't love, or at least not in the normal sense.
Heroin is bad news, but then so are a lot of drugs. Not all heroin addicts use sterile needles...sharing needles means sharing potential diseases. Though I shot up drugs, I did mostly use sterile needles, but every now and then? Nah. I was more concerned about getting the hit, than I was that a "friend" had used the needle.
I encourage you to read, here. There are so many wise people here who have been in similar positions. I'm not in a relationship, now, because I'm still working on me. I can tell you, that I've finally gotten to the point where if I meet someone and red flags start popping up about addiction or dysfunction, I'm running, as fast as I can, in the other direction. You deserve so much better, sweetie, but you've got to get to the point where you believe it, deep down in your head, heart, and gut and that takes time and recovery work.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I went on to develop my own addiction (just didn't want to feel the pain of being WITH him and WITHOUT him)...2 more XABF's and I finally realized that what we had, wasn't love, or at least not in the normal sense.
Heroin is bad news, but then so are a lot of drugs. Not all heroin addicts use sterile needles...sharing needles means sharing potential diseases. Though I shot up drugs, I did mostly use sterile needles, but every now and then? Nah. I was more concerned about getting the hit, than I was that a "friend" had used the needle.
I encourage you to read, here. There are so many wise people here who have been in similar positions. I'm not in a relationship, now, because I'm still working on me. I can tell you, that I've finally gotten to the point where if I meet someone and red flags start popping up about addiction or dysfunction, I'm running, as fast as I can, in the other direction. You deserve so much better, sweetie, but you've got to get to the point where you believe it, deep down in your head, heart, and gut and that takes time and recovery work.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
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Given your history with drugs, have you considered going to NA for yourself?
I read your post and when you mentioned you had tried heroin, even once, I sensed you still have an inclination towards using and it is never too late in life to become an addict sadly.
Just be careful.
Even if you were able to get past using, wouldn't hurt to check NA out, may even give you better tools for your bf issues as well.
I read your post and when you mentioned you had tried heroin, even once, I sensed you still have an inclination towards using and it is never too late in life to become an addict sadly.
Just be careful.
Even if you were able to get past using, wouldn't hurt to check NA out, may even give you better tools for your bf issues as well.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
jayner,
first of all, WELCOME to sober recovery. as i think you've seen, this site can hold a wealth of help: support, experience, guidance.
i felt like there were inconsistencies in your post, i.e. "fell into the pile of coke and couldn't get out", "don't really like opiates" but yet you want to do heroin again. yet you are picky about your recreational drug choices, yet although you don't care for opiates, if you hadn't not taken the h again, you'd be "done for". and you do like the escape. it sorta sounds like an addiction in the making.
but....you get to decide what you will do in your life, and whether or not that rings true for you. clearly, you feel it does not, and who am i to argue?
to address your clear statement, that you are addicted to the addict boyfriend, yep, i totally get that.
it's a bi#@%.
and it will steal your life away, just as surely as a narcotic addiction will.
you have come to the right place.
although i may not have sounded as gentle or understanding as you would hope for (i don't know, but generally i come across a little softer), i assure you this site is full of compassionate souls, who arrive in many different packages. one thing we all share, is the desire to recover from this dysfunction, and the desire to help others do so, and a passion for it.
first of all, WELCOME to sober recovery. as i think you've seen, this site can hold a wealth of help: support, experience, guidance.
i felt like there were inconsistencies in your post, i.e. "fell into the pile of coke and couldn't get out", "don't really like opiates" but yet you want to do heroin again. yet you are picky about your recreational drug choices, yet although you don't care for opiates, if you hadn't not taken the h again, you'd be "done for". and you do like the escape. it sorta sounds like an addiction in the making.
but....you get to decide what you will do in your life, and whether or not that rings true for you. clearly, you feel it does not, and who am i to argue?
to address your clear statement, that you are addicted to the addict boyfriend, yep, i totally get that.
it's a bi#@%.
and it will steal your life away, just as surely as a narcotic addiction will.
you have come to the right place.
although i may not have sounded as gentle or understanding as you would hope for (i don't know, but generally i come across a little softer), i assure you this site is full of compassionate souls, who arrive in many different packages. one thing we all share, is the desire to recover from this dysfunction, and the desire to help others do so, and a passion for it.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hi Jayner,
I'm also a mom, (2 addict sons) and a new grandmom...
I might be seeing this from a completely different perspective here.
Are you staying with him because it gives you opportunity to use if you want to?
I think any answers you are looking for have to start with you. Try a Alanon meeting. When I go, there is always something said that I can use in my recovery.
and...I ...think...
Unconditional friendship can be maintained once a month by phone.
hugs to you, I know you're having a difficult time right now..
I'm also a mom, (2 addict sons) and a new grandmom...
I might be seeing this from a completely different perspective here.
Are you staying with him because it gives you opportunity to use if you want to?
I think any answers you are looking for have to start with you. Try a Alanon meeting. When I go, there is always something said that I can use in my recovery.
and...I ...think...
Unconditional friendship can be maintained once a month by phone.
hugs to you, I know you're having a difficult time right now..
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
jayner,
i felt like there were inconsistencies in your post, i.e. "fell into the pile of coke and couldn't get out", "don't really like opiates" but yet you want to do heroin again. yet you are picky about your recreational drug choices, yet although you don't care for opiates, if you hadn't not taken the h again, you'd be "done for". and you do like the escape. it sorta sounds like an addiction in the making.
but....you get to decide what you will do in your life, and whether or not that rings true for you. clearly, you feel it does not, and who am i to argue?
i felt like there were inconsistencies in your post, i.e. "fell into the pile of coke and couldn't get out", "don't really like opiates" but yet you want to do heroin again. yet you are picky about your recreational drug choices, yet although you don't care for opiates, if you hadn't not taken the h again, you'd be "done for". and you do like the escape. it sorta sounds like an addiction in the making.
but....you get to decide what you will do in your life, and whether or not that rings true for you. clearly, you feel it does not, and who am i to argue?
But being with him is better than any high I've ever had - he plays me, and I encourage him. In just the short time I've been here (just a couple of months before registering), I've learned so much. I sincerely appreciate all of you so much - and thanks for sharing your experiences and knowledge.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find the answers you are looking for here.
I guess I'm not clear about what you are looking for though. You love this man. I get that. The part that I don't exactly get is that you use with him, albeit occasionally. You state that you came here to learn more about heroin.
Are you wanting to recognize and stop your codependent behaviors? Are you hoping that you can stop your bf from using?
Just looking for clarification.
gentle hugs
I guess I'm not clear about what you are looking for though. You love this man. I get that. The part that I don't exactly get is that you use with him, albeit occasionally. You state that you came here to learn more about heroin.
Are you wanting to recognize and stop your codependent behaviors? Are you hoping that you can stop your bf from using?
Just looking for clarification.
gentle hugs
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find the answers you are looking for here.
I guess I'm not clear about what you are looking for though. You love this man. I get that. The part that I don't exactly get is that you use with him, albeit occasionally. You state that you came here to learn more about heroin.
Are you wanting to recognize and stop your codependent behaviors? Are you hoping that you can stop your bf from using?
Just looking for clarification.
gentle hugs
I guess I'm not clear about what you are looking for though. You love this man. I get that. The part that I don't exactly get is that you use with him, albeit occasionally. You state that you came here to learn more about heroin.
Are you wanting to recognize and stop your codependent behaviors? Are you hoping that you can stop your bf from using?
Just looking for clarification.
gentle hugs
I've read how some here have gone "no contact" with their addicts and not heard from them for a long time...years even. Some don't know if their loved ones are dead or alive. I don't know how that could possibly be a good thing. It would devastate me if my loved ones left me like that - but not to the point of getting better, but rather to the point of losing all hope. I'm not trying to be contrary or argumentative, I just don't understand. And I guess I'll have to be okay with that.
I appreciate everyone who has read and responded to my posts. I realize you are trying to share what has worked for you - and I'm glad that it has.
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Originally Posted by Chino
Are you trying to figure out how to cope with your decision?
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Looks like he did the decision making for me. Found some 22-year-old innocent and naive young girl to take him on. I wish them the best of luck. And yes, my ego is a little "hurty" right now.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Jayner,
Don't feel hurt, cause, unfortunately for all those 22 year old girls, it's what addicts do, they use and abuse whoever, whatever is in their path.
Hugs....from the mother of one of those users..
Don't feel hurt, cause, unfortunately for all those 22 year old girls, it's what addicts do, they use and abuse whoever, whatever is in their path.
Hugs....from the mother of one of those users..
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Originally Posted by mooselips
Jayner,
Don't feel hurt, cause, unfortunately for all those 22 year old girls, it's what addicts do, they use and abuse whoever, whatever is in their path.
Hugs....from the mother of one of those users..
Don't feel hurt, cause, unfortunately for all those 22 year old girls, it's what addicts do, they use and abuse whoever, whatever is in their path.
Hugs....from the mother of one of those users..
Thanks for everyone's help.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I wish you well. And I really hope that when he gets tired of the 22 year old and comes knocking on your door, you have the strength to turn him away. In my experience, active addicts are users and don't know how to love anyone because they don't how to love themselves. We are just the means to an end for them.
Jen
Jen
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Originally Posted by sunshine321
I wish you well. And I really hope that when he gets tired of the 22 year old and comes knocking on your door, you have the strength to turn him away. In my experience, active addicts are users and don't know how to love anyone because they don't how to love themselves. We are just the means to an end for them.
Jen
Jen
I told him I understand about this young girl...I know her....I understand the attraction...she's a doll. I also asked him please treat her well, she doesn't deserve any of his garbage. What he does with that is up to him.
He took it well, no arguing, no threats....just a "I've been waiting for this." I cried about ten tears then went to bed.
I believe it's over. The nightmare has ended. I'm a little sad, I guess. I don't hate him. I don't dislike him. But I don't want him. And I'll always be glad for the lessons he taught me.
I fully believe this is "The End".
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I guess it wasn't the end. Well, not completely, anyway. I won't go back to the obsession - I can't. But I still miss him. Of course, it's only been a few days since everything stopped - all contact and such. I wonder if we were closer than I thought. By that I mean maybe I was closer. To go from all-day, every-day contact with someone (whether the conversations are good, bad or indifferent) to non-existent contact is such a change. And yes, I know it is human nature to resist change. I just really miss him. I probably miss the drama and chaos, I had come to accept it. It was every day.
And I'm so embarrassed by the amount of time and attention I gave him...and the way I talked about him endlessly to my friends. I was getting (actually demanding) so much of them. Argh. Frustration and humiliation - I never want to do that garbage again. I don't ever want to be that dependent on another to fill that hole I was feeling. I still feel it - I just want it to be over with.
As to the question asked by Chino - "Are you trying to figure out how to cope with your decision?" I guess I am. Again with the wishy-washy me. How to cope with giving up the romantic side of what I thought was there. No idea so far...I'm sad and I miss him is about as far as I've gotten. As for what I am doing for myself...I purchased the home I live in...it was built in the 80s and has had no improvements since then. I've got a lot to do here, and more than enough to keep myself occupied - hopefully I can work on emotional coping skills at the same time.
I also apologize for seeming so wishy-washy in my posts. Thank you all so much for trying to understand and give helpful suggestions, especially when my questions don't always make sense.
Again, I just miss him...and instead of telling him....I'm telling you.
And I'm so embarrassed by the amount of time and attention I gave him...and the way I talked about him endlessly to my friends. I was getting (actually demanding) so much of them. Argh. Frustration and humiliation - I never want to do that garbage again. I don't ever want to be that dependent on another to fill that hole I was feeling. I still feel it - I just want it to be over with.
As to the question asked by Chino - "Are you trying to figure out how to cope with your decision?" I guess I am. Again with the wishy-washy me. How to cope with giving up the romantic side of what I thought was there. No idea so far...I'm sad and I miss him is about as far as I've gotten. As for what I am doing for myself...I purchased the home I live in...it was built in the 80s and has had no improvements since then. I've got a lot to do here, and more than enough to keep myself occupied - hopefully I can work on emotional coping skills at the same time.
I also apologize for seeming so wishy-washy in my posts. Thank you all so much for trying to understand and give helpful suggestions, especially when my questions don't always make sense.
Again, I just miss him...and instead of telling him....I'm telling you.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Hang in there. I think moving on from something like you've gone through is a process, esp with and addict.
As for 'no contact', that works well for some but isn't for all. Some go 'no contact' then break contact, feel bad, go no contact again, break contact, feel bad... lather rinse repeat. Seems crazy making to me so I know I couldn't go no contact with someone (as long as they weren't abusive).
You seem to be very aware of your feelings and being confused is part of the process.
Hope it starts to get better soon.
bb
As for 'no contact', that works well for some but isn't for all. Some go 'no contact' then break contact, feel bad, go no contact again, break contact, feel bad... lather rinse repeat. Seems crazy making to me so I know I couldn't go no contact with someone (as long as they weren't abusive).
You seem to be very aware of your feelings and being confused is part of the process.
Hope it starts to get better soon.
bb
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Location: minneapolis, mn
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Originally Posted by Jayner
Again, I just miss him...and instead of telling him....I'm telling you.
Yes, suddenly going no-contact is HARD. And you didn't even have time to think and plan for it.
I think you've already gained some good insight, please stay strong and keep checkin in.
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