Changing your own habits (Tuffgirl)

Old 01-22-2011, 11:53 AM
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Changing your own habits (Tuffgirl)

Have any of you out there just quit drinking alcohol even though you are not an alcoholic, because you have born witness to the damage it causes? I used to love a good microbrew. Now its hard to sit with a drink in my hand and not have flashbacks to some horrid experiences.
I'm always iffy about talking about alcohol here because I'm a codependent and therefore worry about sending one of the As on the board into drinking by saying something positive about alcohol.

But I wanted to comment on Tuffgirls quote above. Because I struggle with this, too. Before I met AH, I used to have the fixings to make any of a whole slew of drinks at home, usually some 12 bottles of wine at any given time. I drank rarely, but I liked being able to offer someone a mixed drink or a glass of wine when they came over (I had an active social life and entertained a lot -- lived downtown and people would often stop by and chat on their way to a night on the town or after work.) I'd have a glass of wine while fixing dinner on Fridays, never liked the hard stuff.

I liked that. But post-RAXH? Seeing not only what his drinking created in the way of hellishness, but also hearing the stories of the mayhem other As create, not only do I not want alcohol in the house -- I can't enjoy a glass of wine anymore. I think another part of it is the transfer stuff he used to do (he wasn't an alcoholic, but he thought I drank too much. Which I know is laughable, but he had me worried, then). But it's more than that. It's hard to describe, but it feels like inviting evil into my body and my soul. I live a pretty healthy life, but I make my share of less-than-healthy food choices -- but that's different. I can enjoy a greasy burger or too much pizza because it's not my everyday fare. But I can't enjoy an alcoholic drink anymore.

I don't feel particularly sad about it. But I feel like it's not a choice I'm making actively. I just can't enjoy it on any level.
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:56 AM
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Oh, and let me add: One of my kids had a friend over for dinner one night, and I brought out a pitcher of iced tea and poured myself a glass.

The friend (who's 8) asked, "Is that wine?" -- and I was floored. I thought "who on earth keeps wine in a 1 1/2-gallon pitcher???" and I was so relieved when my daughter answered: "No, that's iced tea. My mom doesn't drink wine except at communion." I think I somehow needed that reassurance from her that my kids can see the difference between me and their father and that I am not, in fact, an alcoholic. I'm just a bit messed up in my thinking after 20 years with a spouse who is.
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Old 01-22-2011, 12:59 PM
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Hi Lillamy!
I still enjoy alcohol! and I enjoy it responsibly.

My AH (who I left 9 months ago) is in the hospital right now and probably dying of cirrhosis. We just found out he had cirhossis on Thursday and I was devastated! I got off the phone and i thought 'god I need a glass of wine and a cigarette!' How ironic is that!
Later on that evening my friend came over with a bottle of wine. Some people may think thats weird but after years of AH saying 'you like a drink, maybe you are the alcoholic!' I have made peace with it - Its alcoholism I hate, not alcohol!
A friend of mine died a few years ago, with obesity related problems. But I didnt stop eating french fries!
That may sound a bit flip, but what I am trying to say is, just because somebody decided to abuse something doesnt mean the rest of us should not be able to enjoy it in moderation as intended.
But I understand where you are coming from, and I certainly could understand why anyone related to an alcoholic could be put off alcohol for life and thats fine too
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:05 PM
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hey thanks for separating this out into its own thread because I am really struggling with this issue right now.

My AH still thinks I have a drinking problem because we drank together. But I stopped at my two drink maximum while he drank until he passed out. More than two drinks and I am sick and usually hungover the next day, so I learned early on to moderate. Apparently he doesn't have that switch to shut it off like I do (?).

But I have been questioning myself a lot for wanting to have a beer when I get home from work (now that we don't live together and I can have one!). One of my expensive fancy microbrews that I have grown quite fond of. And then I feel GUILTY and WEIRD and start wondering again if I am an alcoholic too? Jeesh - I guess I am just a bit messed up in my thinking, too! I've even taken the "do you think you are an alcoholic" questionnaires on the internet!

Do they (our A spouses/family/friends) resent us for being able to drink normally when they can't? Is that normal, especially during early recovery?
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:18 PM
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Tuffgirl asked,
Do they (our A spouses/family/friends) resent us for being able to drink normally when they can't? Is that normal, especially during early recovery?
pretty much : yes.

but an alcoholic doesn't know what 'normal' is.

I grew up fielding the world from my sister's alcoholism.
(I'm a menopause baby my 'sister' is twenty years older than me)

I knew
from years of driving her back and forth to meetings
that I was also probably an alcoholic.
because I sure as hell had the personality.

SO I , for the most part -
stayed away from booze.

I experimented with drugs
(hell it was the seventies everyone did)
but the mjinute something felt like a 'need'
or that it was over done

or I just flat out liked it way too much

I quit.

I didn't start drinking like the alcoholic I am
until I was 42 years old.

There's even a story in the BB of AA that talks about
an example of an alcoholic like me.

Today -
after four years,
a LOT of aa
with a tad of alanon on the side

I only occasionally even 'think' about a drink.

And that is usually when I'm far too tired.

But -
I USED to be one of those
who 'didn't like' alcohol
and only drank one drink
the whole night
while everyone around me
drank themselves into oblivion.

I think that's why it's such an insidious substance.

(heh. say that five times fast)

hope that helps?
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:20 PM
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A friend of mine died a few years ago, with obesity related problems. But I didnt stop eating french fries!
That may sound a bit flip, but what I am trying to say is, just because somebody decided to abuse something doesnt mean the rest of us should not be able to enjoy it in moderation as intended.
That's where I was, initially, after leaving, and that's sort of where I would like to end up again. Not because I want to drink -- I don't really care about that -- but because the way I'm feeling now, it's like I'm still allowing his alcoholism to determine how I live my life, if that makes sense? It's not the alcohol I'm missing, it's feeling like I make my own choices independently of him. I don't know if I can explain it?

And Tuffgirl, I totally get that "am I an alcoholic, too?" thing. I'm pretty convinced on a rational level that I'm not (given that I can't even remember the last time I had alcohol... yeah, I had a beer some time around Christmas... before then, I think I had a glass of wine in August...) but emotionally, I'm still carrying the insecurity. And we had the same thing going on with "because you sometimes drank when I did, you're an alcoholic. And I'm not."
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:32 PM
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lillamy,

I am sorry you cannot enjoy a glass of wine anymore. I hope someday in the future you will be able to enjoy alcohol again. I cannot enjoy any alcohol because I am an alcoholic, but I do not feel badly about it. I enjoy being sober. Truly, I do.
I am at peace with myself, (well, almost still got some ACA stuff) and resist the urge quite easily. I run the tape through and end up with something very bad happening to me, my family, or anyone else for that matter.

It is disturbing that your spouse and tuffgirls spouse would call you both alcoholics. Ridiculous really, when you think about it. Sadly, because you are in the vicinity, you are to be blamed. Both of you max out on two drinks. Me, two drinks makes the switch go off, it is not about enjoying the taste, it is about getting the high.
Miller Lite was my poison, but believe me, if I didnt get enough of that, I would switch to whatever was there.

I did not resent anyone who drank around me responsibly. I think if you get ill with two drinks, that makes you a normal person. Alcoholics enjoy that feeling and are off to the races, you get sick. Big, big difference.

Tuffgirl,
when you took those tests on the internet, what did they say?
LOL
From what you describe, you seem to have that shut off switch. Your husbands switch is broken.
I hope you can enjoy a good brew someday.



Beth
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:36 PM
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That's where I was, initially, after leaving, and that's sort of where I would like to end up again. Not because I want to drink -- I don't really care about that -- but because the way I'm feeling now, it's like I'm still allowing his alcoholism to determine how I live my life, if that makes sense? It's not the alcohol I'm missing, it's feeling like I make my own choices independently of him. I don't know if I can explain it?
I think you have something here.
yes his alcoholism is still affecting the way you live.
it will take awhile to make choices with out the spector of alcoholism tainting everything.
but, you are aware and working on it.
yep.
I like the way you explained that. Makes perfect sense to me.

Beth
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
That's where I was, initially, after leaving, and that's sort of where I would like to end up again. Not because I want to drink -- I don't really care about that -- but because the way I'm feeling now, it's like I'm still allowing his alcoholism to determine how I live my life, if that makes sense? It's not the alcohol I'm missing, it's feeling like I make my own choices independently of him. I don't know if I can explain it?
Oh I totally get what you are saying and you are explaining it very well.
How I made peace with it was that I really enjoy sitting with a friend once a week and gossiping over a nice bottle of red! I really really look forward to that 'me' time. And I just thought that AH had sucked and robbed so much enjoyment out of my life already, I wasnt going to let him take that too and I was going to enjoy it GUILT FREE thank you very much!
Actually Lillamy it was very empowering for me when I was able to seperate my enjoyment of wine from his need and abuse of alcohol.
Maybe it helped also that he hated wine! I dont know if he would have drank it if there was nothing else, because I never kept it in the house
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:46 PM
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because you are in the vicinity, you are to be blamed
Isn't that the truth?

And thank you, all of you, for your input. You all are absolutely invaluable to me. To my surprise, even more so now than when I was living with an active A.
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Old 01-22-2011, 02:11 PM
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Tuffgirl,
when you took those tests on the internet, what did they say?
Ha ha - that I am being a dumb-butt by believing I am the one with the problem! I don't have any of the 'symptoms' these tests look for. Intellectually I know I am buying into my AH's BS. In my heart I still worry. Plus, I wonder if I will develop the hypersensitivity to others' drinking and think everyone is an alcoholic! Oh - the psychological games that are played. It's easy to internalize all of that over time; much harder to let it go afterwards.
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Old 01-22-2011, 02:13 PM
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I have been wondering about this as well. I was 52 years old when I bought myself a bottle of any alcohol--it happened to be wine. I had, of course, had a glass or two when the opportunity presented itself, but my kids were older, out of the house, and one day I said, I think I'll buy a bottle of wine. The reason I know I was 52 was because it seemed to odd that I had never actually bought a bottle of wine before, so I wrote about the "occasion" in my diary.

I'm still a 1-2 glass only person. But I really like wine. I like to have a glass when I cook. Maybe a glass with dinner. But this is a completely new trend for me, so, yes, it's crossed my mind as to whether or not I can "go there" in terms of abusing it.

Sometimes I think about that quote "What you resist persists"--and I thought of that quote right away when I read lillamy's post about wanting to make a choice independently of the alcohol/alcoholic. i agree. If I reject drinking totally, I know it's a reaction to my past, and I prefer to move forward

At this point in my life, I have no reason to believe I am also alcoholic, or have alcoholic tendencies.

But, I'm going to be honest. I'm watching myself. As Barb said, there are late bloomers out there, and I don't want to be one.
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Old 01-22-2011, 02:24 PM
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I VERY rarely drank when I was living with an alcoholic in recovery, but that was mainly to support his sobriety (which I still think is the decent thing to do--especially in early sobriety).

Once I was no longer living with him, that's when my own drinking ramped up and yes, I eventually became a full-fledged alcoholic.

I see nothing "wrong" with enjoying a drink now and then if you don't have a problem with alcohol. I also can imagine that having a drink might bring on unpleasant associations.

Heck, my last relationship totally KILLED my enjoyment of television. The guy simply had to have the tube on CONSTANTLY. I finally decided it was ridiculous to keep paying for cable when I never watched it. I now pay $10 a month for the most basic cable. I don't know that it was a huge loss, but it was something I used to enjoy that I now don't.
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Old 01-22-2011, 03:27 PM
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I rarely drink alcohol. Months go by between alcoholic drinks. My last glass of wine was with Christmas dinner.

But, I am coming to hate alcohol. I made rum balls again this past Christmas. I felt uncomfortable doing that even though they've been on my holiday cookie list for many, many years.

I've been reading alot about the physical effects of alcohol. The words drink responsibly don't make sense to me anymore.

My husband and I were married over 20 years before he began to drink heavily. Crazy stuff alcohol.
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Old 01-22-2011, 04:01 PM
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From what I have read, apparently it is healthier for children to witness their parent drinking sensibly (occasionally having one or two glasses socially then stopping, but not every day) than it is for them to grow up with the parents completely abstaining. Or with, obviously, an alcoholic parent.

I am an alcoholic. But I don't drink. But I miss the social part. And drinking a bunch of beers while smoking a bunch of cigarettes. Partying, swimming, boating, laughing, getting in trouble. Shoot, it's enough to make me want to relapse. ... Nah!

When I first got into Recovery, I also realized how evil alcohol is. After a while though, that kind of wore off.
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Old 01-22-2011, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Heck, my last relationship totally KILLED my enjoyment of television. The guy simply had to have the tube on CONSTANTLY.
I can easily enjoy a drink here and there (don't miss the calories, though). I was thinking I can't relate until I read the above quote. My AH has watched every sport imaginable at all hours of the day/night. I used to enjoy watching sports here and there, now I find the more popular it is the more I run away from it. I guess it brings up the gag feeling I have about his apparent obsession with TV viewing.
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Old 01-22-2011, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Heck, my last relationship totally KILLED my enjoyment of television. The guy simply had to have the tube on CONSTANTLY. I finally decided it was ridiculous to keep paying for cable when I never watched it. I now pay $10 a month for the most basic cable. I don't know that it was a huge loss, but it was something I used to enjoy that I now don't.
I used to love Television. I have only turned it on twice this year, and once was to watch a movie.
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Old 01-22-2011, 05:08 PM
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I totally quit having alcohol in the house when my AS was living here. Turns out HE never stopped drinking and here I was....the non-alcoholic obstaining to not upset the alcoholic.

The day I kicked him out I bought a bottle of my favorite wine at the grocery store to have a glass that evening. Well, surpise surprise, it's ruined for me! I never did open it...still haven't opened it.....don't know if I CAN open it. Now that I've witnessed what it did to him, I don't even want to bother anymore. I've always been a pretty "cheap date", 2 drinks max and I'm ready for bed. It's crazy to me how the tables have turned. I'm dry and he's out there most likely still drinking.
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Old 01-22-2011, 05:16 PM
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I don't drink at all, and yeah, it's because of him. I really miss having a margarita at my favorite mexican place, I may feel comfortable enough one day to have one again.
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Old 01-22-2011, 05:21 PM
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FWIW, I think we all (the world in general, I mean--society at large) would be better off if nobody drank.

I totally get, though, the idea of someone spoiling something that used to be enjoyable.

If you can't drink anymore, just consider it one less health risk you are taking on.
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