lillamy

I get mad at Al-Anon in waves. I was mad at them initially, when I came to my first meeting to learn how to get my AH to stop drinking, and they were telling me I should work on me. Really annoying. But I came back, and did, and grew.

Then I got mad when I left AH and my Al-Anon group was talking about how to continue working the steps. I was like, "whoooa -- I left him, I'm done, I survived thanks to the steps, but I'm out of that hell and ready to take on the rest of life. Thank you and goodbye."

And here I am on a Saturday morning with a houseful of kids (playdates) and wishing I could just run away to a meeting.

What sucks about having left an A is that you don't have him to blame anymore. I had a run-in with my pre-teen daughter yesterday that had me in tears, self-hatred, and self-loathing. She was out of line, but my reaction was outer of line. I apologized to her, told her that I had no excuse to behave the way I did, and that I did not act the way you should be able to expect from an adult and a parent. She refused to talk to me, but ten minutes later came and apologized (in tears) and we had an amazing talk about what happened and accepted each others' apologies and acknowledged that we had both been in the wrong.

But I find myself lingering on it. My children don't have a father worth the word. They never did, maybe they will, but for now, he's all wrapped up in himself and his recovery -- which, as you've taught me, is common. He's still reacting like an A (or like a spoiled child, which is pretty much the same behavior). All these children have is me. I cannot afford to crack and lash out like I did. They need to have ONE parent who acts the part.

My... whatever you call the person you're in a relationship with when you're 45 (boyfriend? male companion? loverboy? ) talked me down. And said, "My -- you've spent 20 years pushing yourself to be perfect. Understanding that you're not, and that you don't have to be perfect -- that's part of your recovery, isn't it? You did the right thing -- you acknowledged wrong without trying to excuse it, you apologized, and you sorted it out."

I'm just really hating that I can't foist this all off on RAXH. It really sucks to have to acknowledge over and over again that he isn't the only one who has a problem. Darnitall. *sigh* (Checking meeting schedules on alternate screen...)

theuncertainty

You've had a lot going on this week, both you and your daughter. IMO, it's understandable that you would both need to get things off your chest. Maybe the initial reactions weren't all that great, but your Love is absolutely right:
And you and your daughter had a good talk after the apologies.

I'd also like to say that yes, your kids have you. You are an excellent mom!

You're aware of your actions and what you didn't like about it, acknowledged you need and want help and are looking for it.

I go back and forth on blaming myself, being PO'd with XAH. It's incredibly rough.... I don't know what words to offer there.

barb dwyer

Sometimes the fear of having no one to bleme
makes people stay IN relationships where theyre miserable.

thing is -

once we have no one to blame
there's less and less miring us up all the time

to have to blame someone ...for.

It's an incremental lessening
but a lessing nonetheless.

I admire the 'tenth step' thing you did!

ANdchoose to focus on that
as the progress
not the perfection.

For today.

lillamy

Thank you guys.

wicked

oh, i like loverboy! yes, that is descriptive. especially if he is younger than you, even if only by a few months! ahahahahaha!

okay, my daughter is a teenager too. she is my youngest and very perceptive and intuitive. she also has a stupid boyfriend and for now is resisting the urge to smoke and drink because of the consequences of court.

i hate to argue and shout. but when my daughter and I argue it usually ends up like your argument. both of us in tears and apologizing.

My daughter told me that she hates it when I pull back, and an argument usually breaks down that wall of "no more pain" that I reflexively put up. Still working on that.
She wont even look at the ACA stuff. LOL Not yet I guess.

Beth

Tuffgirl

Just had a fight with my Mom this morning - she wanted me to 'make amends' over something that happened 2.5 years ago. I am so glad for Al-Anon because I was able to apologize for her perception of my 'bad behavior' without acknowledging I did anything wrong (because I didn't intentionally mean to be disrespectful, just stood firm on my beliefs about an issue) and she continued to harp on me (like we mothers can do - myself included) so I calmly walked away. My first reaction was to blame the AH - I actually allowed myself a few minutes to cry tears of anger that I have to live with my Mom because of his alcoholism. It's his FAULT I have to be here with this woman who is harping on me, darn it! Him, Him, Him, blah blah blah.

No really - it is me. I made these choices. Heck, he wasn't anywhere near me this morning. Just easy to turn the blame there; so easy! I am lingering to...makes me aware that my anger and resentment are still very ALIVE and brewing inside me and I need to keep working on that.

I am glad to hear you can apologize to your kids when you have been in the wrong. My parents (and probably their generation) never apologize to kids for behaving badly. I always do, maybe because of that. My girls and I have regular disagreements but I try to make good after the fact when I have lost my cool. Good for you!

Now - onto forgiving my Mother even though she will NEVER apologize for being a harpy!

lillamy

I'm laughing WITH you, not at you. That is so something I can relate to.

And the apologizing to the kids is HUGE for me. I grew up with parents that I basically thought were infallible and perfect. Them and the pope. That's a gigantic burden for a kid to carry, and try to imitate and live up to. I never wanted my kids to have that. Their dad never apologized (you can't appear weak or they will smell the fear and devour you, or some such thing) when he treated them awfully, which made it even more important for me to apologize and point out that adults screw up too.

Haha. I just realized Loverboy was wrong. I don't have 20 years of perfecting my perfectionism -- I have 45. No wonder it's hard to admit I have flaws...

Thumper

I am so getting you. I have one child that pushes every button I have. I am ashamed to admit that he is only 9yo and he is way more disrespectful and difficult then his dad - whom I divorced. I have no idea what to do. He is negative, scowling, mouthy, and mean every minute he is home - unless I am doing something one:one with him. Nothing I know about parenting works for him. I feel like such a failure.

I will be trying to figure out some counseling for us. It will be complicated to find one that accepts the insurance - it will be 2.5 hours out of my work day because we live 40 minutes away so I'll have to arrange work somehow, I have to consider the schedules of the other kids and availability of babysitters, it will probably interfere with someone's activities. :sigh:

I have to do something. I can't even imagine life when he is 15 as much as we struggle now.

LexieCat

See, this is where I think I made one of MY huge mistakes. When my first husband got sober the year before we got married, I quit going to Al-Anon. He got better and I stayed a spoiled brat. I used to resent how "good" he was--I used to "joke" that my family liked him better than they did me. If they did, I can't say I blame them. I think that's part of the reason I left him.

So what do I do then, but hook up with ANOTHER alcoholic--the guy who almost died of liver failure. After going through that wringer, which ended with his going back to drinking and my leaving, I wind up with a normal drinker (who is screwed up in other ways). My own drinking takes off, and almost ten years later I wind up in AA.

I feel like I am FINALLY growing up, at age 54. If I'd stuck with Al-Anon and worked on myself back then, who knows what might have happened?

Can't change the past, though. I'm grateful I am being restored to sanity.

wicked

You're singing to the choir here lexiecat. Sanity is great. Reality is great.

But growing up? Hmmm, I am 51 and I say "NO WAY JOSE!"
I think I was 51 when I was 32, so, I am gonna be 32.
hehehehehehehehe

LexieCat

LOL,

Beth, I didn't say I was grown up YET. By now I think I'm, um, 29 or so. A mere decade or so post-adolescence.

wicked

I see you didnt say grown up yet.
Okay, i am going with 32.
hehehehehe
a very immature 32.
bwahahahahaha

Summerpeach

To me, Al Anon is a program of self love, whether with an addict or not.
I'm no longer with my RA, but Al Anon still teaches me how to be at peace.

My anger is a lot less, my peace, a lot more!

lillamy

Oh yes, Summerpeach. I just felt like I was done with it, you know, been there, done that, got the t-shirt, graduated.

Someone suggested to me that whenever I get mad at something, there's probably a dead dog buried there that I need to unearth and deal with. Food for thought.

Codie101

dead dog and food practically in the same sentence...not a good combo at lunch time! haha

lillamy

Mixed metaphors are like all-you-can eat buffets... always leave you with a churning stomach...

wicked

wait, is that funny because it is corny, or corny because it is true?



yeah, deep thought about the mixed metaphors.

Verbena

Lillamy, I save your post.

You are a good mom. I know this because when you screwed up you admitted it. You apologized and tried to fix things.

Daughters can make you crazy. I know this because I used to be one. But my mother never once admitted that she might have made a mistake. She was really good however laying on tons of guilt and making me feel like I ought to spend the rest of my life paying her back for raising me until I wised up.

Blame sure is a waste of time and energy isn't it. It fixes nothing and eats at our soul while we should be problem solving.

We all make mistakes. Me, you, your daughter, my mother--everybody. Don't be so hard on yourself. Have a big ole hug!

lillamy

Big hug right back attcha, Verbena!!!

Hahaha... Yup. Me too.

What? You're telling me I'm not perfect?