ToBeSerene

I have to start with a BIG thank you ... this site is awesome and such a lifeline. I love how we all come together to share experiences and give support - it's so comforting and healing at the same time.

My AH was sober for about 15 months until he relapsed in Sept, then Nov, then Dec, then early Jan. and again tonight. After the early January 11th relapse, I moved out of our bedroom after an argument where he said he wanted a divorce (I agreed) and that he hated me more than anyone in the world. (we are living in the same house)

I've been in alanon for about 20 months and what a saving grace. I know his "words" are just that: words but we've both talked about how alchohol can be a "truth serum" too. We've been married for over 21 years - no kids.

I don't feel love for him anymore ... but I think it could be my "self" protecting "myself". We talked about how it's so hard for me to trust him with my heart or body ... I just don't see where I could ever turn this around: he's unhappy cause we don't have a sexual relationship anymore and I'm unhappy cause he's drinking and I don't have my real soul partner present, sex is the last thing on my mind - why would I want to be initimate with someone I don't trust and lies so much? I wouldn't tolerate that behavior from ANYone else in my world.

I don't even know if I can call all those slips "relapses" - obviously they are so close together, I don't know if he was every mentally sober.

I'm sorry - I'm rambling. It's just so crazy, I tend to loose perspective. Thanks for being here -

suki44883

Yeah, they don't sound like relapses. He sounds like a binge drinker...someone who goes a few weeks then has another binge.

It's hard to have a relationship without trust. It might sound awful to say but, it's actually to your benefit right now that you don't have children. It makes it easier for you to make decisions. It's really difficult to make rational decisions when we are in the midst of the chaos. I hope you can find a way to get some time away so you can get some perspective and decide what is really best for you.

You can ramble or vent here anytime. That's what this place is for. We are here to support you.

ToBeSerene

Thanks Suki - words I needed to hear - you are so right about not having children ... it would be SO much more complicated. Like everyone else here ... wish there was a road map for this process!

We just talked about his drinking last night - he said he was "in a mood". He promised to call his sponsor and he promised to call me if he wanted to drink - nobody got phone calls. Nothing changes when nothing changes. Wish I had a dollar for everytime he said he would call ...

We talked about the trust issue - he hears it but I don't think he "gets" it. I would not tolerate that behavior from a friend or family member - I would not give them my time, trust or heart. Getting ready to break this crazy cycle of insanity ... life is too short.

Suki - LOVE your quote from the Eagles ... so true