Lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 2
Lost
Hi, I'm new to the forum.
First let me say there is no physical abuse. My bf is an alcoholic and I didn't know until 3 months into the relationship. He hit a "bottom" and said he was choosing to live even if I left him so I stayed. He didn't work the program like he was supposed to. I went to one Al-anon meeting during his first month of sobriety and felt worse when I left so I might look for another one. I want to feel there is hope, not for my bf necessarily I know it's all his choice, but hope for me. He drank on New Years day 2011 and it was a disaster. We started therapy and have now gone 3 times and he has a new sponsor and is working the program.
This is all new to me. I've never dated an addict and I feel so cheated because he lied and there are now other issues because he's so angry all the time so more fighting. He was happier when he drank.
The sad part is, I'm about to graduate college in May, I'm 34 w/ a 9 yr old daughter and I can take care of myself without him, but now he's attached to my daughter and vice versa and we live together.
I just feel so confused and lost as to stay or not stay bc I know I'll live a 50/50 life until I die if I stay with this man. When I say 50/50 it will be he either drinks one day or he doesn't and I'll never know what it'll be. He's hit many "bottoms" as they call it and has even gone through a year and a half of sobriety before w/antidepressants and stopped (that was before he met me) Finding all of this out and now I'm experiencing more anxiety. I'm DRAINED. Therapy is great and all and I know ultimately the choice to stay is up to me, but any thoughts or recommendations would be helpful.
Thanks for listening and letting me share.
First let me say there is no physical abuse. My bf is an alcoholic and I didn't know until 3 months into the relationship. He hit a "bottom" and said he was choosing to live even if I left him so I stayed. He didn't work the program like he was supposed to. I went to one Al-anon meeting during his first month of sobriety and felt worse when I left so I might look for another one. I want to feel there is hope, not for my bf necessarily I know it's all his choice, but hope for me. He drank on New Years day 2011 and it was a disaster. We started therapy and have now gone 3 times and he has a new sponsor and is working the program.
This is all new to me. I've never dated an addict and I feel so cheated because he lied and there are now other issues because he's so angry all the time so more fighting. He was happier when he drank.
The sad part is, I'm about to graduate college in May, I'm 34 w/ a 9 yr old daughter and I can take care of myself without him, but now he's attached to my daughter and vice versa and we live together.I just feel so confused and lost as to stay or not stay bc I know I'll live a 50/50 life until I die if I stay with this man. When I say 50/50 it will be he either drinks one day or he doesn't and I'll never know what it'll be. He's hit many "bottoms" as they call it and has even gone through a year and a half of sobriety before w/antidepressants and stopped (that was before he met me) Finding all of this out and now I'm experiencing more anxiety. I'm DRAINED. Therapy is great and all and I know ultimately the choice to stay is up to me, but any thoughts or recommendations would be helpful.
Thanks for listening and letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tampa
Posts: 178
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
I'm just going to say this...
You have one decision to make, to live with or without alcohol.
The rest of the people and events in your life, are sort of like "business as usual."
If you choose to abstain from alcohol, like most of us at SR do, you have to place every other aspect of your life AFTER it. Don't be affraid to do this. You won't be selling anyone or any of the events in your life short of anything. Sobriety offers the opposite, MORE ability to rationally process the events and react with control and self-discipline.
I understand your daughter might have a relationship with him. That's not important. She's forming a relationship with your boyfriend, an alcoholic and person with mood swings. Removing her from that to place her into your new sober life is going to benefit her in ways you can't imagine.
He has to decide what he wants to do for himself. As you know, nobody can make an alcoholic quit drinking and STAY sober for life. You can only bend their ear until they do what you want them to do. That's only until they decide to do what THEY want to do.
Choose wisely, You are about to graduate college and now you have chosen to refuse being a slave to alcohol. First of all Congratulations on being a positive, realistic adult. Second of all, congratulations on being a roll model for your daughter. If your daughter learns to cope with adversity 1/2 as well as you, she will be a stronger woman for it.
That being said, you know what you have to do. WHEN, not if, your boyfriend moves forward, you might be better off considering him as more than just a friend. In the meantime, you need to heal yourself for your sake and for your daughters sake and it won't happen living in negativity.
For most of us, alcohol is an all or nothing deal. You're probably not going to be able to babysit an alcoholic, tend to your child, heal yourself of alcohol and apply your new education towards security and better tomorrows, all at the same time.
Decisions, decisions.... Good luck!
I'm just going to say this...
You have one decision to make, to live with or without alcohol.
The rest of the people and events in your life, are sort of like "business as usual."
If you choose to abstain from alcohol, like most of us at SR do, you have to place every other aspect of your life AFTER it. Don't be affraid to do this. You won't be selling anyone or any of the events in your life short of anything. Sobriety offers the opposite, MORE ability to rationally process the events and react with control and self-discipline.
I understand your daughter might have a relationship with him. That's not important. She's forming a relationship with your boyfriend, an alcoholic and person with mood swings. Removing her from that to place her into your new sober life is going to benefit her in ways you can't imagine.
He has to decide what he wants to do for himself. As you know, nobody can make an alcoholic quit drinking and STAY sober for life. You can only bend their ear until they do what you want them to do. That's only until they decide to do what THEY want to do.
Choose wisely, You are about to graduate college and now you have chosen to refuse being a slave to alcohol. First of all Congratulations on being a positive, realistic adult. Second of all, congratulations on being a roll model for your daughter. If your daughter learns to cope with adversity 1/2 as well as you, she will be a stronger woman for it.
That being said, you know what you have to do. WHEN, not if, your boyfriend moves forward, you might be better off considering him as more than just a friend. In the meantime, you need to heal yourself for your sake and for your daughters sake and it won't happen living in negativity.
For most of us, alcohol is an all or nothing deal. You're probably not going to be able to babysit an alcoholic, tend to your child, heal yourself of alcohol and apply your new education towards security and better tomorrows, all at the same time.
Decisions, decisions.... Good luck!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Virtuous55
I'm sorry for your situation.
Only you can decide what is best for you and your daughter, but I hope you will check out our Family and Friends forum - you'll find a lot of experience and support down there.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR
D
I'm sorry for your situation.
Only you can decide what is best for you and your daughter, but I hope you will check out our Family and Friends forum - you'll find a lot of experience and support down there.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your thoughts, especially ISPYSOBRIETY. Yes, I quit drinking as soon as I found out 7/2010 because I thought it would be good support for his recovery as well as out of respect for our relationship if I was going to give this a try. I asked him bluntly, last week, if I wasn't in the picture would he be doing recovery right now and he told me he wasn't sure, but he knows he isn't getting anything out of drinking anymore and he's ashamed he hasn't accomplished anything in his life. (No friends, a "decent" job now, and it's taken him 11 years to graduate college because of alcohol addiction and not because of other things)
ANNA- i am happy for you and your recovery. I already acknowledge if I stay with this man how my life will be and it isn't waiting for the other shoe to fall, it's being REALISTIC and I will never risk losing my daughter (my ex husband coming for her if he finds out and thinks I'm putting her in harms way-trust me he has the power to do so) or my own life by staying with someone if they aren't trying and do not work this program. I go with this problem day by day. That's all I can do.
We've gone 3 times to therapy together and he is very active in AA this time around with a really good sponsor. I went to therapy alone today and I left feeling much better because I know I can only control my reactions and actions. I also am consumed by my daughter, a full time job, and taking 4 classes to graduate in May. I have friends I talk to on a regular basis and see when I can and I write and have my own website. I have MANY positive things going on in my life and I need to focus on those right now.
It isn't easy because I love this man and I fell in love with him before I knew he was an alcoholic. (the mood swings from him before I found out was because he was trying to hide it, the mood swings now are because the disease wants him). My daughter has NO idea he is an alcoholic and we don't always argue in front of her, especially about important things like this. All couples have issues and when you have kids and they see you argue it shows them how to handle conflict/resolution and I'm trying to make sure she learns in a decent way and not an abusive (emotionally damaging/controlling) way.
With that being said I don't have to make any decisions today, but I have told my BF that I must focus on all of the other positive things in my life and his trust has to be earned back. I have to let go and quit worrying if he's going to drink or not. If he shows me that he is doing it for himself whether I'm in the picture or not, then we might have a future to talk about together, whether it be as a couple or friends or nothing.
Funny thing is my degree is a BS in Psychology with a minor in English. It's always harder when you're in the middle of a situation versus being on the outside looking into one and alcoholism isn't something you expect when you meet someone. We shall see. Most importantly, today is a good day
Once again I thank you all for letting me express my thoughts and I appreciate all of your input. Dee74- I'm going to check out that other link too!
ANNA- i am happy for you and your recovery. I already acknowledge if I stay with this man how my life will be and it isn't waiting for the other shoe to fall, it's being REALISTIC and I will never risk losing my daughter (my ex husband coming for her if he finds out and thinks I'm putting her in harms way-trust me he has the power to do so) or my own life by staying with someone if they aren't trying and do not work this program. I go with this problem day by day. That's all I can do.
We've gone 3 times to therapy together and he is very active in AA this time around with a really good sponsor. I went to therapy alone today and I left feeling much better because I know I can only control my reactions and actions. I also am consumed by my daughter, a full time job, and taking 4 classes to graduate in May. I have friends I talk to on a regular basis and see when I can and I write and have my own website. I have MANY positive things going on in my life and I need to focus on those right now.
It isn't easy because I love this man and I fell in love with him before I knew he was an alcoholic. (the mood swings from him before I found out was because he was trying to hide it, the mood swings now are because the disease wants him). My daughter has NO idea he is an alcoholic and we don't always argue in front of her, especially about important things like this. All couples have issues and when you have kids and they see you argue it shows them how to handle conflict/resolution and I'm trying to make sure she learns in a decent way and not an abusive (emotionally damaging/controlling) way.
With that being said I don't have to make any decisions today, but I have told my BF that I must focus on all of the other positive things in my life and his trust has to be earned back. I have to let go and quit worrying if he's going to drink or not. If he shows me that he is doing it for himself whether I'm in the picture or not, then we might have a future to talk about together, whether it be as a couple or friends or nothing.
Funny thing is my degree is a BS in Psychology with a minor in English. It's always harder when you're in the middle of a situation versus being on the outside looking into one and alcoholism isn't something you expect when you meet someone. We shall see. Most importantly, today is a good day
Once again I thank you all for letting me express my thoughts and I appreciate all of your input. Dee74- I'm going to check out that other link too!
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