beautifulgirl

I know you all know my story. It is like a repeat. There is nothing else to be said that has not already been said in my previous posts. I just am pummeling through this and I just want some support.

I am very strong and I consider myself a survivor. I have always beat the odds in so many different situations.

I had a difficult childhood. My dad teased me for being overweight, punished me for eating food, and was only allowed certain food as a child. My parents did drugs, hid it, and when I found out I went to a school counselor who told my parents. My parents then called me a rat and made fun of me for that also. I was thrown out of my house at 16 and had to find a way to make it on my own and I did. My parents and I do talk today everyday and they pretend none of it never happened.

At 19 my car was hijacked, I was kidnapped, was brought to a warehouse and tortured, then taken to another area to be killed, but I escaped. I did not know the kidnappers but I was able to recall enough information for the police to find the kidnappers who were arrested, charged, and are still in jail today.

I had 2 c-sections and had tons of drs tell me I could not deliver naturally after. Yet I had 3 all natural deliveries with no medication thereafter.

I was diagnosed with skin cancer in my neck when I was pregnant with my
5th child, waited until I gave birth, and successfully had surgery to have it removed, had more show up and had it removed again.

I married a drug addict. We had 5 beautiful children together. 3 of our children were diagnosed with autism. 2 of them are pretty independant. 1 of my autistic children is unresponsive and does not talk. My husband could not stop doing drugs. I made him leave and I am here to stay.

I am financially, emotionally, and lovingly taking care of my children.

No one really knows how hard it is for me. My hair is falling out, I am tired, and I just keep on going.

I have no one and I can't get away to a meeting or nothing.

Please just tell me it will be ok.

someguy71

I am certain your children love you for all the effort you are putting in. I know it must be hard, but have faith, it will get easier

infiniti

Oh how tough and heartbreaking this must be for you!

If you can't get to a meeting, might I suggest some reading for you? "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. And I would also recommend that you get some organization literature from either AA or NA. You could probably relate to NA better. You can buy literature online from their website - www.NA.org - the website for the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. Even if you can't get to a meeting you can learn some coping skills on your own. Then, perhaps, if things settle down for you, you can consider some meetings.

I wish you the best. I know it's hard.

Dignity

By the sounds of things you ARE a survivor BG. Hopefully you get out a bit to make some friends in your community that can help you deal. Call social services and share your story. Its amazing how some people step up to the plate to help those in need. I wish you luck and send you hugs~

hope2be

Please know you are not alone. We are all with you. I will keep you in my prayers/thoughts.

Callie

I agree with Dignity. You've already beaten so much, you will be survive this. One day at a time. Do you have anyone to help you with the kids? Maybe someone to watch them for a while and take some time to clear your head, get out of the house for a while, set some goals?

I know all too well that 'end of the world' feeling. But it DOES get better. There IS life on the other side of addiction.

beautifulgirl

Thank you all very much.

When there is no one else to cry to I come and I write here.

I actually have a trust issue with all that has happened to me so far and I am scared to let people help me. I do not want to be looked down upon or for anyone to think I am a bad mom and to take my kids away.

The state considers me to have too much income anyway to qualify for assistance at this time.

I did contact an agency to get a housekeeper/nanny. If I can find someone to help me so I can breathe, take a rest, and maybe get some counseling that should make things a bit better.

Dignity

Yes BG~~~Counseling would probably do you a world of good. I wish you luck with the agency you contacted. so for now~~the site is the best and will give you support anytime. Hugs`

laurie6781

(((((BG)))))

You are a survivor!!!!!! No doubt about that.

I suspect the hair fall out is due to the stress you have been and are under. The next time you are at the any store that has vitamins, get some Folic Acid. As we women get older we seem to need more of it. That will not only help your hair but your nails will grow better also. It really works.

As to coming here, you post as often as you need to, want to, or don't want to. We may not be there in person but we are certainly with you in spirit. When you are feeling down, just picture your living room full of us, lol

Sending good thoughts and prayers to you and the children.

Love and hugs,

beautifulgirl

Thanks Dinity, Infiniti, Hope2be, Callie, Someguy71, and Laurie.

Laurie, You are right. At times when things have been really bad I have thought at least I have my hair. I have very long hair down to my bottom but it has gone from wonderfully thick to thin enough to see my scalp in areas. I will go get some vitamins with folic acid. That is a wonderful idea. I am also glad to think of you all in my living room with me. That is a super nice thought. Thanks.

newnormal4me

Beautifulgirl, please know that you are not alone at all. I am going through nearly the exact same situation, of course a little different, but nevertheless the same. I also am financially, emotionally, lovingly taking care of my children...I have two and work out of the home full time. I am sometimes strong, but sometimes an emotional basketcase. I just try and do the best that I can.

My AH is currently out of the home as well. Thinks I'm living in the lap of luxury, when every dime I make is barely maintaining our lifestyle...a lifestyle originally built on two incomes. He came to our house today raging, and hateful to me, and I lost it in front of my kids. But he is gone now and hopefully we can return to a peaceful state.

Today I think I may be able to finally let the man go. It has been so hard, I have held on so long, but I can't take his hatefulness and blaming anymore. He made this bed, and he needs to sleep in it. There is nothing that can take away the hurt of being treated this way though...and I'm trying desparately to hang on to myself. I imagine myself someday being as strong as others here. I'm reading codependent no more, which is helping me a lot I must say.

Sorry if it seems I hijacked. I unfortunately relate to everything! Hang in there and I will do the same. ****{HUGS}}}

beautifulgirl

Thanks Angel, You do know what I am saying being you are going through a similar situation at the same time. It is really good to know you are sometimes going through similar motions and emotions and gives me inspiration that as you get through it I can too and vice versa.

barb dwyer

I'm sorry to intrude, but something you said
made me have to push in to the thread for a minute -

about the hair falling out part and the tired all the time.

I almost died from thyroid failure.

And being tired all the time, and hair falling out
was the beginning symptoms
and I chalked it up to stress.

I hope you'll consider having your thyroid function checked.

I just had to throw that in because it went undiagnosed for two years
and I was near death before it was found.
It's been more than two years getting it back on track.

Tired,
achy bones
hair loss
weight gain or loss
feling like there's sand in your eyes...
depression
confusion, forgetfulness,
tripping (from dragging feet when walking)
and clumsy behavior
are also in that list.

all are early signs of thyroid disfunction.

Thanks for letting me throw these two cents in.

YOu're not alone, and I'm glad
you can comehere when there's noplace else
you feel comfortable.

THanks again!

beautifulgirl

Thanks Barb, You could be right. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism about 2years ago. I took medicine routinely for over a year and then stopped. I better go back on it. Before I was on it I lost 95 lbs. Since I have been off I have gained 20 lbs back, I am losing my hair badly, I am extremely tired, my bones are achey, and I am bruising very easily. However, I am abusing myself with very little sleep, eating poorly, and overworking myself so it may not be my thyroid or may be a combination.

Alexis0000

You don't have nobody, you have all these amazing people on this site. If you've been threw that much i have no doubt when i say it will indeed be ok . I can relate to some of what you're feeling but not nearly all of it, feel free to message me if your thread doesn't satisfy your need to talk to someone. Good luck

katie44

You are a survivor BG.You need to share with someone. Keep coming back here. Counselling is a great idea, although you will need to find someone that you like and connect with. You and your family are in my prayers.

Kindeyes

bg
We are here for you.
gentle hugs

mooselips

bg,
The best thing is the door is open 24/7 here, someone is always around to put on coffee, and sit and listen to any concerns you are feeling.

It's a good thing to be able to talk freely about any concerns, or feelings you are experiencing.


Hugs and hugs....

By the way...you're doing a good job, you know.

coffeedrinker

beautifulgirl,

i just wanna let you know, you ARE being heard. i suggest coming here every single day, just reading and posting whenever you have the urge to do so. in fact PLEASE post often! i think you will feel more of a connection after a short while, and you will feel the support of us here, and that can only be good.

one thing i know is true, is that nothing stays the same. kids grow up, people change....it's constant.
there will be a break one day.

peace,
christine

squeaky69

Not only will it be ok but you seem stronger than most women and I applaud you for it. Don't give up give back and that is what you do with your children. P.S. It will be ok