First day here - addict 17yo son
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Dallas area, TX
Posts: 11
First day here - addict 17yo son
We just put our son in rehab for the second time. Last year in February, we woke him up and took him to rehab for prescription drugs and pot. He was 16 then and had been using for at least 2 years.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years and we have 3 kids - he is the middle one.
He was in rehab for 111 days and then moved to a sober living facility. He pretended to be sober for several months although he now admits to smoking pot within a week of being there. He went to AA/NA, talks the talk, knows what to say - he even fooled the counselors/staff at the house who are LCDC and LPCs and some are even recovered/ing addicts themselves.
I took him on a pass to my 78yo mom's house for a few days before Thanksgiving thinking no place on earth could be safer because she lives 10 miles from the nearest store! He, of course, dug around until he found some cough syrup with coedeine and stole it. I suspected something was up b/c he was sleeping a lot, but, of course, he explained it away by saying his psychiatrist had changed his meds and he was "transitioning" which was true, so believable. I took him back to the sober house later that week and he proceeded to go to his "sober" high school on Monday and buy some oxyconton.
Sober house gave us 2 weeks to either pick him up or take him back to rehab. It was a wonderful place, but obviously can't have people active in their addiction living there.
He went back willingly with no fuss, but his counselor there says he is just saying what they want to hear because he knows how to play the game.
I am just so sad because, naively, I thought when we took him to rehab, he would be good to go when he was done. I know that was ridiculous, but I have never dealt with anything like this in my life. We do go to Al-anon and I am going to a Family's Anonymous meeting with a friend tonight. I have not found the Al-anon group I go to very helpful at all. Just not the right fit?
We are exhausted - emotionally and financially. This is the last time we can send him to rehab. I don't know where he will go for aftercare or how we will pay for it. We know he can not come back to this suburban town where drugs are rampant.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years and we have 3 kids - he is the middle one.
He was in rehab for 111 days and then moved to a sober living facility. He pretended to be sober for several months although he now admits to smoking pot within a week of being there. He went to AA/NA, talks the talk, knows what to say - he even fooled the counselors/staff at the house who are LCDC and LPCs and some are even recovered/ing addicts themselves.
I took him on a pass to my 78yo mom's house for a few days before Thanksgiving thinking no place on earth could be safer because she lives 10 miles from the nearest store! He, of course, dug around until he found some cough syrup with coedeine and stole it. I suspected something was up b/c he was sleeping a lot, but, of course, he explained it away by saying his psychiatrist had changed his meds and he was "transitioning" which was true, so believable. I took him back to the sober house later that week and he proceeded to go to his "sober" high school on Monday and buy some oxyconton.
Sober house gave us 2 weeks to either pick him up or take him back to rehab. It was a wonderful place, but obviously can't have people active in their addiction living there.
He went back willingly with no fuss, but his counselor there says he is just saying what they want to hear because he knows how to play the game.
I am just so sad because, naively, I thought when we took him to rehab, he would be good to go when he was done. I know that was ridiculous, but I have never dealt with anything like this in my life. We do go to Al-anon and I am going to a Family's Anonymous meeting with a friend tonight. I have not found the Al-anon group I go to very helpful at all. Just not the right fit?
We are exhausted - emotionally and financially. This is the last time we can send him to rehab. I don't know where he will go for aftercare or how we will pay for it. We know he can not come back to this suburban town where drugs are rampant.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
welcome to sr - you have come to a wonderful place for encouragement, wisdom and advice - i am so sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation - there will be others along shortly - my prayers are with you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 105
I also welcome you to SR~~~Its a long, crooked walk we travel with drug addicted children. Your smart to not take him back into your home. I have done that twice and neither time stopped my son from finding drugs again. We are travelling the route again and praying for a long time rehab here but I know he will not be moving back in with us at any time. Its sad but they must hit a botton that none of us want to witness I guess...Hugs to you and stay strong so just maybe your son can repair before he's older.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Hi & Welcome. I hope you find some comfort in knowing most of us have been where you are presently.
There's a posting written by "Jon", whom I believe began this wonderful site. It's on a sticky somewhere, but being a newby, I can't recall where. I have copied/pasted on the first page of my Daily Journal to remind me what & who I am dealing with. The manipulation & lies made me crazy, feeling like I was living in the twilight zone.
You're not alone...huggs
There's a posting written by "Jon", whom I believe began this wonderful site. It's on a sticky somewhere, but being a newby, I can't recall where. I have copied/pasted on the first page of my Daily Journal to remind me what & who I am dealing with. The manipulation & lies made me crazy, feeling like I was living in the twilight zone.
You're not alone...huggs
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I'm so very sorry about your precious son and the pain you are going through.
I suppose if I were in your shoes (and I do have an addict son) I would talk to the counselors at the rehab and ask for their guidance. Tell them you have no more money for further treatment or sober living, nor will he be allowed to come home, so what do they suggest in this case? Let the counselors work with him (not you!) in coming up with a plan for what's next. I know that in my son's case he didn't 'get it' until we detached and cut him off financially.
I suppose if I were in your shoes (and I do have an addict son) I would talk to the counselors at the rehab and ask for their guidance. Tell them you have no more money for further treatment or sober living, nor will he be allowed to come home, so what do they suggest in this case? Let the counselors work with him (not you!) in coming up with a plan for what's next. I know that in my son's case he didn't 'get it' until we detached and cut him off financially.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 34
I hear you about not being able to dish out any more money. I wonder if the local police could scare him by taking him to jail or something? I've heard of police doing this as a wake up call; sort of a down sized scared straight program.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us but (and I say this everytime because it is so true), I am so very sorry for the reasons that bring you here.
You are doing what you can to help your son and yourselves. He is still a minor and you can "force" him to go to rehab. Unfortunately though, you can't force him to get sober if he doesn't want to. It's very frustrating.
I hope you'll stick around here and learn from others experiences and take comfort in knowing that there are a lot of other people who are walking this path with you. Keep taking care of yourself.
gentle hugs
You are doing what you can to help your son and yourselves. He is still a minor and you can "force" him to go to rehab. Unfortunately though, you can't force him to get sober if he doesn't want to. It's very frustrating.
I hope you'll stick around here and learn from others experiences and take comfort in knowing that there are a lot of other people who are walking this path with you. Keep taking care of yourself.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I am the mom of a 19 year old heroin addict who has 4 mo. in recovery.We sent her to rehab wen she was 17, got out, relapsed, booted her the minute she turned 18(out of love).She was out for 8 mo. using heroin and decided she wanted treatment..even after her 2nd rehab she drank the 1st week in sober living, begged to stay and has to my knowledge been sober since.
Addicts think they can just use this or that..it's the disease.So add being 17,18,20 years old to that mix..disaster.
I go to alanon and it really helps keep me on track.I SOO sympathize with the being legally responsible, yet utterly powerless over their behavior...that was the hardest part for me.Once they turn 18 you have alot more options.
I will not let our daughter live here..it's not good for her or us..she needs structure and others in recovery, not her mommy at this point.We pay for the sober living and she just started cosmetology.
As parents of minor kids dealing with addiction it is an unbeleivable strain because you legally cannot just let them go fall on their face which is pretty much wat it takes for them to want to stop. Your son sounds like he's not'done " yet.But the seeds for recovery have been planted and when HE wants it, he knows where to go.
Feel your pain and frustration..been there just recently and never want to go back.
Addicts think they can just use this or that..it's the disease.So add being 17,18,20 years old to that mix..disaster.
I go to alanon and it really helps keep me on track.I SOO sympathize with the being legally responsible, yet utterly powerless over their behavior...that was the hardest part for me.Once they turn 18 you have alot more options.
I will not let our daughter live here..it's not good for her or us..she needs structure and others in recovery, not her mommy at this point.We pay for the sober living and she just started cosmetology.
As parents of minor kids dealing with addiction it is an unbeleivable strain because you legally cannot just let them go fall on their face which is pretty much wat it takes for them to want to stop. Your son sounds like he's not'done " yet.But the seeds for recovery have been planted and when HE wants it, he knows where to go.
Feel your pain and frustration..been there just recently and never want to go back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Welcome to SR, nothing more painful then being the parent of a drug addict. Our 23 drained us financially. At 17 went in to his first rehab - cost a fortune. Same story told everyone what they wanted to hear. We were running around trying to fix him. We have come along way since then. There are so many knowledgable people here, that have been where you are. Keep coming back and a great support system. " drug addicts will find drug anywhere" doesnt matter where they live. I feel your pain, prayers to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Beaufort, NC
Posts: 5
new and wondering if rehabs work?
I am so sorry to hear your story. Mine is shorter, my 21 yo has had drug problem for couple of years likely self-medicationg depression and anxiety.
She has failed a few outpt attempts and now says she WANTS inpatient treatmetn after a brief 6 day stay in one place.
But inpatient is very expensive and we fear this is Not the last page in the story. Are a little reluctant to spend all our savings on this one rehab stay in a dual-diagnosis facility, and if it fails we have nothing left to pick her up with. Not to mention deal with any other crises,
OTOH, she says she wants this, has seen the light during her brief stay.
So...how do we know which facilities have good recovery rate? Or is it more due to the person than the facility?
She has failed a few outpt attempts and now says she WANTS inpatient treatmetn after a brief 6 day stay in one place.
But inpatient is very expensive and we fear this is Not the last page in the story. Are a little reluctant to spend all our savings on this one rehab stay in a dual-diagnosis facility, and if it fails we have nothing left to pick her up with. Not to mention deal with any other crises,
OTOH, she says she wants this, has seen the light during her brief stay.
So...how do we know which facilities have good recovery rate? Or is it more due to the person than the facility?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by givemetennis 
We are exhausted - emotionally and financially. This is the last time we can send him to rehab.
I resembled this. My daughter's adiction had the potential to bankrupt us from a financial, emotional and physical standpoint.
I don't know where he will go for aftercare or how we will pay for it.
I put my own future financial security in deep doo-doo to give my daughter every opportunity to learn and practice skills of recovery. She was not ready.
If all it took was money, addiction could be cured. If all it took was loving parents, none of the parents here would be here.
[/COLOR]We know he can not come back to this suburban town where drugs are rampant.
A 17 year old is going to do what he is going to do. Short of physical retraints you have no control over his choices. Having said this, take a look at his privileges.
Do you pay for his cell phone?
Do you give him access to a car?
Do you give him money for anything?
Does he have a key to your house?
Do you protect your assets? By this I mean, your credit cards, ATM card, bank accounts, checkbook ( stealing checks from the middle of the deck is common stuff) ? How about your physical stuff that would be easy to pawn. I am talking jewelry, coins, appliances, here.
Decide in advance what you will/will not do if he steals from you and/or is arrested for a crime.We parents tend to get caught up in the" how can I press charges against my child" thing. We parents tend to believe that we cannot ruin our kid's life by calling the Police. The reality is that it's the kid's choices causing the problem. Kids know their parents are less likely to call the Police /press charges and so become easy victims of crime.
If he gets arrested for a crime are you going to bail him out? Are you going to hire an attorney to defend him? Just how far will you go to deny him the opportunity to own the consequences of his choices?
Define your boundaries and communicate them to him. Boundaries do not seek to control other people's behaviors. Boundaries let go of the outcome.
A simple boundary is that if someone steals from me, I will immediately call the Police and press charges. I do not make exceptions for family who steals from me.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by cac
.
So...how do we know which facilities have good recovery rate? Or is it more due to the person than the facility?
So...how do we know which facilities have good recovery rate? Or is it more due to the person than the facility?
There are free rehabs. You can check with your state and county health departments and the Salvation Army.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Beaufort, NC
Posts: 5
GREAT POST outtolunch. in hindsight wish we had been 'tougher' sooner. we're still learning though. so hard to not give yr child the best treatment and support. But maybe that's not always the best
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cac
So...how do we know which facilities have good recovery rate? Or is it more due to the person than the facility?
Rehab does not cure addiction. Rehab can teach recovery tools to highly motivated guests. It's substantially easier to stay on the straight and narrow in rehab, than in the outside world, where one has to cope with life as it is, instead of how they want it to be. Addicts, like all of us, are just one lousy decision away from self destruction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Dallas area, TX
Posts: 11
Outtolunch,
We took his cell phone away last year.
We have never allowed him to have a driver's license b/c of drug use.
At the sober house, they required that he have a money card. We put $50 on it a month.
We have already learned the stealing ways of an addict. When he is home: My husband sleeps with our car keys in his pockets. My purse is next to my pillow. He had forged numerous checks right before we sent him to rehab 2/2010.
After he stole a diamond drop that was given to me by my mom in 1983 for college graduation, we put all valuables in our safe deposit box.
He has not been in our home for more than 2 nights in row (probably 8 days total) since 2/23/2010. He went straight from rehab to sober living house then straight back to rehab.
We took his cell phone away last year.
We have never allowed him to have a driver's license b/c of drug use.
At the sober house, they required that he have a money card. We put $50 on it a month.
We have already learned the stealing ways of an addict. When he is home: My husband sleeps with our car keys in his pockets. My purse is next to my pillow. He had forged numerous checks right before we sent him to rehab 2/2010.
After he stole a diamond drop that was given to me by my mom in 1983 for college graduation, we put all valuables in our safe deposit box.
He has not been in our home for more than 2 nights in row (probably 8 days total) since 2/23/2010. He went straight from rehab to sober living house then straight back to rehab.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cac
GREAT POST outtolunch. in hindsight wish we had been 'tougher' sooner. we're still learning though. so hard to not give yr child the best treatment and support. But maybe that's not always the best
I am coming at this from a " lessons learned" standpoint. I most definitely did everything in my power to prevent/cushion consequences for my own daughter. That was my own role in all of this.
Not being welcomed in our home may or may not have been the trigger for my daughter to make better choices for herself. At some point, she got herself clean and stayed that way.
Like most parents, I can get wound up in the "what if" scenarios related to the future. Being an almost daily reader here, serves as a constant reminder to maintain my own balance and focus on what I can control- me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Dallas area, TX
Posts: 11
I do find myself engaging in a lot of "wouda, couda, shouda" thoughts. And, that will really send me spiraling down.
We were visiting him at rehab and the sober living house once a week. His counselor at rehab this time told us not to come. She said we have done nothing but support him and it is time to make him realize that we are serious about not jumping through hoops for him if he continues to use.
On our conference call family session this week, he asked why we didn't come to see him last week. He was upset b/c they can only have visitation (heavily supervised) from 1-3 on Saturdays and Sunday.
He told the counselor on the call that he knew we would come because he "knows" us and proceeded to give me a shopping list of a couple of things he would like me to bring. Right then, I decided not to go. He's not the only hard head in this family!
We were visiting him at rehab and the sober living house once a week. His counselor at rehab this time told us not to come. She said we have done nothing but support him and it is time to make him realize that we are serious about not jumping through hoops for him if he continues to use.
On our conference call family session this week, he asked why we didn't come to see him last week. He was upset b/c they can only have visitation (heavily supervised) from 1-3 on Saturdays and Sunday.
He told the counselor on the call that he knew we would come because he "knows" us and proceeded to give me a shopping list of a couple of things he would like me to bring. Right then, I decided not to go. He's not the only hard head in this family!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
So sorry you are going through this, but so glad you found SR.
I have been with an ad, but her problem came after she was 18. There is almost nothing you can do once they are 18. All anyone expects you to do then is write a check.
2-1/2 yrs ago our beautiful, genius daughter dropped out of college, came home after a bad breakup. She was 19. She stayed out all night, slept all day & partied hard. After 6 months & many talks we kicked her out. She would never return our calls so we kicked her out by cell message. Locked the doors & put her stuff on the porch. We found her car about a week later & took it, hid it at a friends house. We did not see her for months. Then our sons in high school heard where she was staying. It was bad & she was in deep with some bad people who were using her & enabling her. I called rehab centers & the police for advice. Everybody said the same thing, she's over 18, we can get her taken in, but she can walk out in 48 hrs. And she would & we would never see her again. After a long weekend involving police & some very bad men with guns threatening me, we had to come up with a strategy. I called every family member, & close friend and told them what was going on. We used a friends house across the street from my sisters house to hide out in. Her dad played "good cop", texted her that he just didn't think it was safe for her to be without her car & it was at my sisters house. If she wanted it go pick it up before they got in from out of town at 1:00. All the men hid at my sisters house & the women at my friends house. When the car dropped her off, she went to her car & tried to start it (it had the battery disabled). Then the men stepped out and ushered her into the house. We had a long and tearful intervention. A contract for her to sign. I then took her to a cabin we had rented in the mountains, for her to spend a week getting cleaned up & thinking straight. She slept a lot, glared at me, but at the end of the week I had gotten information on a facility. I called, she talked, we flew out the next day. When we were picked up at the airport, the lady asked if this was her first time in rehab? I was in shock, you mean we might have to do this again? Financially & emotionally we couldn't do it again! She was there for 30 days (at $20,000) & then to a sober facility for 90 days. At the end of 90 days she moved out with a friend and discovered that even though they met in AA, she was still partying. She called me wanting money to help her get her own place. I refused & offered to fly down, rent a truck, mover her back home. After a few months of adjustment she has finished school, works full time, & has her own condo. Her biggest problem at 21 is finding peers who don't drink & party. It has severely limited her social life. I find this sad. She has two dogs who are our grand dogs.
I am now going through something similar with my husband. He is now in rehab. His counselor told him last week he needed an anchor, something that would motivate him, stabilize him. Something other than work.
For our daughter that was very true. We bought her two min dachsunds. They are her life. When she was depressed, they were there. After she was doing well we allowed her to spend time with the rest of the family & she loved the being accepted.
She worked her program. That was huge for her also.
Now that I am going through problems with my husband, I found this site. I really could have used it with my daughter. I layed in bed & cried for days. I was also depressed, confused & alone. The people here will help you. Don't isolate yourself & go to meetings yourself!
God Bless you....I'll add you to my prayers!
I have been with an ad, but her problem came after she was 18. There is almost nothing you can do once they are 18. All anyone expects you to do then is write a check.
2-1/2 yrs ago our beautiful, genius daughter dropped out of college, came home after a bad breakup. She was 19. She stayed out all night, slept all day & partied hard. After 6 months & many talks we kicked her out. She would never return our calls so we kicked her out by cell message. Locked the doors & put her stuff on the porch. We found her car about a week later & took it, hid it at a friends house. We did not see her for months. Then our sons in high school heard where she was staying. It was bad & she was in deep with some bad people who were using her & enabling her. I called rehab centers & the police for advice. Everybody said the same thing, she's over 18, we can get her taken in, but she can walk out in 48 hrs. And she would & we would never see her again. After a long weekend involving police & some very bad men with guns threatening me, we had to come up with a strategy. I called every family member, & close friend and told them what was going on. We used a friends house across the street from my sisters house to hide out in. Her dad played "good cop", texted her that he just didn't think it was safe for her to be without her car & it was at my sisters house. If she wanted it go pick it up before they got in from out of town at 1:00. All the men hid at my sisters house & the women at my friends house. When the car dropped her off, she went to her car & tried to start it (it had the battery disabled). Then the men stepped out and ushered her into the house. We had a long and tearful intervention. A contract for her to sign. I then took her to a cabin we had rented in the mountains, for her to spend a week getting cleaned up & thinking straight. She slept a lot, glared at me, but at the end of the week I had gotten information on a facility. I called, she talked, we flew out the next day. When we were picked up at the airport, the lady asked if this was her first time in rehab? I was in shock, you mean we might have to do this again? Financially & emotionally we couldn't do it again! She was there for 30 days (at $20,000) & then to a sober facility for 90 days. At the end of 90 days she moved out with a friend and discovered that even though they met in AA, she was still partying. She called me wanting money to help her get her own place. I refused & offered to fly down, rent a truck, mover her back home. After a few months of adjustment she has finished school, works full time, & has her own condo. Her biggest problem at 21 is finding peers who don't drink & party. It has severely limited her social life. I find this sad. She has two dogs who are our grand dogs.
I am now going through something similar with my husband. He is now in rehab. His counselor told him last week he needed an anchor, something that would motivate him, stabilize him. Something other than work.
For our daughter that was very true. We bought her two min dachsunds. They are her life. When she was depressed, they were there. After she was doing well we allowed her to spend time with the rest of the family & she loved the being accepted.
She worked her program. That was huge for her also.
Now that I am going through problems with my husband, I found this site. I really could have used it with my daughter. I layed in bed & cried for days. I was also depressed, confused & alone. The people here will help you. Don't isolate yourself & go to meetings yourself!
God Bless you....I'll add you to my prayers!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
